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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959680">If The World Was Ending</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_alternate_world/pseuds/an_alternate_world'>an_alternate_world</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Buddie Big Bang 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Big Bang Challenge, Buddie Big Bang 2020, Canonical Character Death, Embedded Images, M/M, Major Character Injury, consent issues (not Buddie), domestic violence (not Buddie), toxic relationship (not Buddie)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:13:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>121,694</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_alternate_world/pseuds/an_alternate_world</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie doesn't realise how badly he's destroyed his friendship with Buck until his former partner has swapped stations, changed phone numbers, and moved homes without warning. It's nearly impossible to track Buck down and it's clear that Chris is suffering too. After Eddie is injured on the job, he has to start piecing together the broken pieces of who he is with the help of family and friends. Under those sorts of circumstances, a chance to repair his fragile friendship with Buck might be possible - but it won't be easy when Buck has a new boyfriend.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Buddie Big Bang 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1806502</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>714</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>751</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Buddie Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm starting this with a series of shoutouts to people that have helped get this off the ground.</p><p>Firstly, to Zel. Thank you for all the brainstorming we did way back at the start of the Bang process and then the ongoing brainstorming to work out new scenes and ideas to keep it flowing. And probably also being my shoulder to weep on when it hurt me to write it.</p><p>Secondly, to my beta and partner-in-angst-riddled-crime, Nicole (chasingoblivion on Tumblr). We both know this (literally) wouldn't be the length that it became without your series of screenshots of things to address in the rewrites, but I'm trusting your judgement that it is a heartbreaker which is stronger for all the additions. Thank you for finding all my little mistakes and being so supportive. I am truly blessed you reached out last year and to have developed a partnership with you amid all my writing things - even if the Buddie fandom may well hate us for the angst I've started churning out...</p><p>Thirdly, to my artist for the Bang, Maddie (pan-buck on Tumblr). Thank you for claiming this angst-riddled demon that was sitting unclaimed for such a nerve-wracking week and then throwing ideas at me to improve it, editing some of the little things, and making me think of extra layers to weave into it during the rewriting. Your cheerleading was such an awesome support in pulling this thing together and all your many gifs and images truly complement the fic. I can't wait for everyone to see ALL the art woven throughout the fic....<br/>The link to Maddie's amazing art post to squeal over with me is <a href="https://pan-buck.tumblr.com/post/622198255346941952/pan-buck-if-the-world-was-ending-by">here</a>.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 2,016<br/>
<strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/><p>His skin feels like it's been three sizes too small for days now, every part of his system electrified with hope and anticipation and no small amount of absolute terror. He's thought about this, imagined this, <em>dreamed</em> about this for weeks now and now that the day - scratch that - now that the <em>night</em> has arrived, he's hyper-aware of every tiny detail. He can feel the scratch of his sweater against his skin and the weight of the jacket across his shoulders. He can feel every shallow breath that doesn't quite reach his lungs. He's bitten his bottom lip raw, tasting the sour tang of blood more than once when he peels too much flesh off.</p><p>Every second seems to last an hour and every hour seems to last a year while he wipes away the evening at Bobby and Athena's. He's bounced around to everyone so many times he's stopped counting who he's seen but he's pretty sure Hen is sick of him and Athena is about ready to swat him like a bug.</p><p>The hours until midnight have never felt so far away. For someone that routinely works straight through midnight, he's used to seeing it. But this? <em>This</em>? He's been waiting for <em>this </em>midnight for what feels like weeks. Maybe months. And now that it's here, he's so restless with anticipation and anxiety that he could probably vibrate out of his skin and into the next plane of existence.</p><p>When he checks his watch for the thousandth time in an hour and realises it's fifteen minutes until midnight, he becomes even more fixated on the time. He gulps the last of his drink and his eyes flash around the gathering until he sees who he needs and wants.</p><p>He tunnels through the groups milling around to where Eddie and Hen and Chim and Maddie are standing near one of the trees in Athena and Bobby's backyard. Hen rolls her eyes as he approaches, probably preparing to remind him that he only spoke with her ten minutes ago, but he steels himself against being insulted because she's not who he's interested in this time.</p><p>Eddie's laughing at something Chim has just said, his eyes glittering in the fairy lights strung across the awning. His dark jacket contrasts with the sky-blue shirt, and the colour of the shirt only heightens the tan skin that disappears into a line of buttons. Buck's fingers tremble, the desperate urge to touch growing stronger as he approaches, so he shoves his hands in his pockets and tries to wander over as casually as possible.</p><p>"Hey, baby bro," Maddie greets him, like she hasn't seen him a dozen times that evening, circling her arm around his waist and tucking under his arm to stare up at him. "How are you?"</p><p>Having her against him temporarily dampens the antsy urge to keep moving but he's not sure he's meant to pretend he's okay. He's not sure she'd believe it even if he said as much.</p><p>"I can't believe it's nearly the end of the year," he says, toes wiggling in his shoes.</p><p>"It's been the end of the year for almost a <em>month</em>," Chim points out but Buck doesn't really care about details like that. It's New Year's Eve. <em>That's</em> the part he cares about.</p><p>"We were just talking about New Year resolutions," Hen announces, something like a smirk playing on her lips. "You got any, Buckaroo?"</p><p>Buck's eyes drift from her to Chim and to Maddie, who all look at him with something knowing that only adds to the crawling sensation shivering through his veins. Then his gaze lingers on Eddie for a moment longer than strictly necessary before he tries to force himself to remember there are three other people in the group.</p><p>"I'm trying to keep my options open this year," he says, dropping a kiss to the top of Maddie's head as she gently squeezes the arm around him.</p><p>Being this close to Eddie again, who he's almost studiously avoided all night compared to everyone else, he can feel the buzzing under his skin erupt again. It's spread across his skin, makes him feel charged and alive and sick with nerves, and there's an urge to reach out that he has to forcibly restrain himself from doing because there are other people around and he can't do that. Not yet. He's been reaching out and pulling away from help a lot this year, getting caught in the currents like when the tsunami crashed over him and Chris almost five months ago. He's mostly terrified of the rejection but it's been different lately and he thinks, maybe. Maybe tonight. Maybe with a new year on the horizon, that can change.</p><p>Bobby's voice echoes across the backyard, the announcement that there's five minutes until midnight in LA making Maddie squirm from under his arm to grab Chim's hand and scurry inside. Hen fixes him with a look that does nothing to relieve the butterflies that have invaded his stomach and throat and then she's gone too, saying she needs to find Karen.</p><p>Which leaves Buck with Eddie.</p><p>Buck alone with Eddie.</p><p>Buck staring at Eddie.</p><p>Buck trying to find words to say to Eddie.</p><p>"So." He rocks back onto his heels and then forwards again, fumbling through all his imagined and rehearsed and dreamed scenarios because the nerves are absolutely getting the best of him right now and his tongue seems to be sticking to the roof of his mouth and his heart might just punch a hole through his lungs and ribcage. "So uh- What- What about you? Any, uh, resolutions?"</p><p>Eddie shrugs, raising the bottle of beer to his lips to take another sip. Buck tracks the liquid that enters Eddie's mouth, then gets distracted by the curl of Eddie's fingers around the neck of the bottle, and then realises Eddie's eyes are focused entirely on him.</p><p>They're intense. And dark. And twist his stomach into knots.</p><p>"Not particularly," Eddie says, his tone completely neutral, his response entirely non-committal. Despite all the staring and the body language, Buck can't get a read on what Eddie's thinking and he tries very hard not to pout or bite his lip or wrinkle his nose in protest.</p><p>"Did you...um, want to go inside to watch the TV at midnight?" he says and Eddie looks towards the house, swilling the bottle a couple of times before emptying the last of it.</p><p>"I mean, we already watched the ball drop in New York three hours ago so this is just a sort of formality, right?" Eddie says and Buck starts to feel the smallest nag of a problem. He dismisses it, sure it's his overactive imagination, determined to deny any warning signs because he's almost certainly overthinking everything. "I'll take off soon anyway. Have to pick up Chris from Abuela's in the morning."</p><p>Buck nods, having missed the kid at the party because Chris probably would've been a great person to sit with and soothe all his urgency. Yet he's also selfishly glad Eddie's there without his son because he probably would've left with Chris a while ago and without a fear that Chris could interrupt them then Buck can finally muster the confidence to-</p><p>"I- I don't like all the loud noises either so it's not a good idea for me to stay for long," Eddie explains and Buck's eyes snap back to him, realising the difficulty those words would have caused in the past. It momentarily distracts him from the building excitement emanating from the house, the crescendo of chattering. He suspects the five minutes has slipped to two. Maybe less. After spending all night checking the clock, he's running out of time.</p><p>He licks his bottom lip, feeling the roughened and raw surface, and tries to swallow past the dryness in his throat. He inches half a step towards Eddie, freeing his hands from his pockets even though his fingers still shake. If he sees Eddie's eyes widen, he doesn't stop long enough to question the reasons why.</p><p>"So listen, I've been thinking-"</p><p>"Buck-"</p><p>It takes him a moment to realise that as he's crept closer to Eddie, Eddie…hasn't actually gotten any closer to him. Every step Buck's taken forward has been matched by Eddie backing up, his hands slightly raised towards his chest in something defensive, something afraid.</p><p>And Buck freezes.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><p>There's an excited whoop from inside but it's swallowed by the silent curtain that blankets both of them.</p><p>He stares at Eddie, blinking rapidly, as he tries to process something he'd thought and imagined and dreamed with a sick sort of dread before denying it could ever have been possible. There's a wary look in Eddie's eyes, one Buck has seen before when Ali had broached the possibility that he stop being a firefighter after the truck crushed his leg. It's one that makes his heart skip beats for terrible reasons. But he can't fathom why because he'd thought- After all the flirting and touches- After looking after Chris when he was injured- After all the evenings spent drinking beers and trading stories- After the Christmas party last week-</p><p>He can't even begin to turn the kaleidoscopic lens to clear the distortion from his vision.</p><p>He can't possibly have misread <em>everything</em>?</p><p>"Eddie, I'm-"</p><p>"No."</p><p>Eddie shakes his head and the action makes Buck's heart fall out of his chest. Any words Buck had carefully pieced together for weeks die in his throat as he looks at Eddie, at the way Eddie is shifting restlessly on the spot and his eyes are darting over Buck's shoulder, and he realises he's been wrong.</p><p>Someone starts a countdown and it dawns on Buck that he's going to start the new year in tears.</p><p>Only they're the despairing kind, not the overwhelmed with happiness and relief kind.</p><p>His heart, halfway on its journey from his chest, shatters on the floor in fragments at his feet.</p><p>"But I thought-" He hesitates, and Eddie frowns in obvious confusion and Buck realises <em>oh</em>.</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>He was wrong.</p><p>He'd been so stupid the whole time.</p><p>His previously married best friend <em>is</em> straight.</p><p>He could thump his head into a wall and chant idiot until he was hoarse.</p><p>Idiot.</p><p>Idiot.</p><p><em>Idiot</em>.</p><p>"I'm not-" Eddie's mouth moves around some silent words and Buck looks at the floor, ignoring the burn of his eyes because he can't possibly reveal to Eddie that this is destroying him worse than any sort of vision of this situation he'd conjured during the last few months. "-interested."</p><p>And that… Honestly, that's probably <em>worse</em> than just hearing Eddie's not gay. Or bi. Or whatever label he'd want to use for himself that Buck thought existed with all the ways Eddie's looked at him and talked to him but he's been wrong the whole time.</p><p>He's a fucking <em>idiot</em>.</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>It sounds as stupid as he feels but he can't think of anything else to say. The shattered feeling he'd already been struggling with seems to unravel within him when Eddie walks away. The countdown approaches <em>5 </em>and Eddie's <em>walking away.</em></p><p>He thought he'd be breathless with anticipation and hope and excitement but this… Now he can't breathe for reasons he'd never wanted to consider could even be a possibility.</p><p>He finds a dark corner of Bobby's backyard where he can hide behind a tree, where he can be sheltered from view of anyone that might glance into the backyard to see if he got to follow through on his plan, and curls up against the trunk. There are tears already brimming past his eyes, spilling down his cheeks, choking air from his lungs as he drowns in the heartbreak and the stupidity and the realisation that he's not only ruined any chance at a relationship, but he's also exposed his feelings to his <em>best friend</em> and thus utterly annihilated that friendship too.</p><p>It's so crushing that the only level of devastating despair that comes close was when he realised he'd lost Christopher among the water.</p><p>And this, he thinks, might almost be worse.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The original idea behind this chapter came from Wolfie's prompt on the Discord. The rest of the fic became a thing unto itself....</p><p>The title is from JP Saxe's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jO2wSpAoxA"><em>"If The World Was Ending"</em></a>.</p><p>It will update each Saturday night, US-time.</p><p>Come scream at me on my <a href="https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,691<br/>
<strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/><p>Eddie doesn't even realise the gravity of what's happened until it's too late.</p>
<hr/><p>It starts with Bobby swapping their teams around.</p><p>Bobby claims it's because it's a new year and it's good to shuffle assignments but Eddie's more at home with medical disasters in Afghanistan – torn limbs, shrapnel wounds, internal bleeding – than the stupidity of people in Los Angeles. Every time he watches Chim enter a rescue with Buck at his side, Eddie struggles not to fidget because that's meant to be <em>him</em>.</p><p>After three shifts of starting to feel like he's lost his mooring, Eddie realises Buck hasn't been eating at the table during shifts.</p><p>Where Captain Chimney had protested Eddie's attempt to grab some pizza slices and eat elsewhere, Captain Nash permits Buck to grab a plate and vanish downstairs. Hen usually trails after him, and Chim's gone most lunches and at least one dinner. It leaves Eddie alone at the table with Bobby, both of them sitting and eating in an awkward silence that makes every crunch, every slurp, every gulp more pronounced as they struggle with small-talk. Eddie's pretty sure he's not the only one who feels relieved when the sirens ring, saving him from more lacklustre poking at his food and staring at the empty seats opposite him or feeling the vacant air beside him where someone usually sits that has – for so long – felt like a natural extension of himself.</p><p>It's a fortnight before he realises Buck doesn't talk to him or look at him during shifts anymore either. It's not until Chris asks why he hasn't seen Buck since Christmas that he realises that actual <em>weeks</em> have passed and when he approaches Buck during their next shift to ask him if he'd like to hang out with Chris, Buck's eyes fall and he scurries in the other direction and Hen appears from practically nowhere to follow him and then the penny drops.</p><p>Eddie might be slow on the uptake, and foolish about his thoughts and feelings and reactions, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise that Buck's avoiding him and Hen's either being overprotective or running interference. He knows he hurt Buck, knows that the way his voice had cracked was a poor cover for the way his heart must've splintered, and Eddie wishes he could take it back, wishes he could have a do-over because maybe he got it wrong, and maybe he should have said something different, and maybe he's losing his best friend.</p><p>He knows he hurt Buck but he'd thought, maybe naively, that they would be able to work through it. They'd laugh it off over some beers, or tell Hen and Chim who would crack jokes at their expense, or complain about something to Bobby and he'd roll his eyes in fond exasperation.</p><p>But…obviously not.</p><p>Chris still wants to see Buck though and Eddie doesn't know how to deal with that. He stares at his phone, starts typing numerous messages only to erase them over and over. At least twice, he sits in his truck with the engine running as he debates showing up at Buck's apartment. Sometimes he watches Buck leave at the end of a shift and wonders if he should run after him.</p><p>But he doesn't want to make a scene, doesn't want to say something he can't take back when what he's done already seems to be completely irreparable.</p><p>In the end, he finds the coward's way out.</p><p><em>Carla</em>.</p><p>Chris must've said something to her because when she brushes a kiss to his cheek and tells him there's a chicken and pasta dish cooking in the oven after a hellish shift, she mentions Buck and Chris in the same sentence and he pauses, takes a longer moment to process the words as he sorts past all the noise of the calls to hear her in the corridor.</p><p>"You'd take him?" he echoes dumbly and she nods.</p><p>"Chris misses him. I didn't realise you were too busy to take Chris yourself so you should've said something sooner!" she says, a light scold in her voice that covers how fractured Eddie's starting to feel without anyone to talk to again. Buck cutting him off has inadvertently drawn the shutters around Eddie's capacity to share his feelings again and all he can do is blink at Carla and agree that it sounds like a good plan.</p><p>So the playdates between Buck and Chris resume every other day when they aren't on shift but it's always Carla ferrying him around, because Eddie keeps finding excuses about buying groceries or going to the gym or running an errand. When she drops Chris home, Eddie listens to how thrilled Chris is and what he did with Buck and what movie they might've watched and how glad he is to see him again and how much he'd missed Buck.</p><p>It causes an ache in Eddie's chest that no amount of rubbing his sternum can resolve.</p><p>And then, in the early days of February, Chris returns home and drops a bomb that flings shrapnel into Eddie's face.</p><p>"Buck's dating someone," Chris announces over dinner, nose wrinkled as he pokes at his mashed potato like it's done something to personally offend him. Perhaps it has. Perhaps Eddie should have boiled the potatoes a little longer so the mash wasn't so lumpy. But he can't even think about that right now because he feels like he's being stabbed in the heart with the news that Buck's dating someone and he's not even sure why he cares so much. Buck's barely acknowledged him for a month. And Eddie deserves it.</p><p>"Oh?" He tries to keep his voice light and he's thankful that he's talking with his son, who is beautiful and smart and funny and kind, but is still young and doesn't always recognise the nuance in tone which suggests someone is disintegrating before his eyes.</p><p>"Yeah. He kept talking about a person called Cameron with Carla when she was picking me up. He's going out to dinner tomorrow night." Chris sighs, looking miserable as he props his cheek in his palm and fixes Eddie with a stare that paralyses him to the spot. "Are you gonna date someone again, Dad?"</p><p>And Eddie…doesn't know how to answer that.</p><p>Everything with Shannon is still too raw, and too fresh, and maybe it always will be.</p><p>He can't answer that because then he'll think about the memory of Buck staring at him with such earnest hope that had left Eddie feeling suffocated with fear.</p><p>So he finds something else to talk about and Chris doesn't ask again.</p>
<hr/><p>He overhears more about Cameron when he passes Buck and Hen planning a Valentine's Day date in search of a snack. Buck's curled onto one end of the couch, a pillow tucked to his chest, and Hen's nursing a mug of coffee, and they're both rather loudly brainstorming places to go. From the sounds of it, Eddie guesses the relationship has to be fairly new but Buck seems to be all in, willing to do something silly and ridiculous, like he hadn't been…preparing to kiss Eddie barely six weeks ago?</p><p>He knew Buck's attachments could be intense before burning out quickly. He knew about Abby, and Taylor, and Ali. He knew Buck had slept around before joining the LAFD, and Chim had regaled him with some of the stories of Buck's early shifts one night when neither of them had been able to sleep. Eddie knew Buck's relationships tended to be better termed as <em>flings </em>because they'd all come and gone in fairly rapid succession but this is… This is something Eddie doesn't want to listen to, doesn't want to know about.</p><p>He grabs an apple and a banana and returns downstairs.</p><p>When Valentine's Day arrives and he's alone, staring at something terrible on the television screen while he tries to pass the time until he's tired enough to sleep, he pretends he doesn't feel lost and bitter and angry at himself for all that he's lost without even realising he had something so important he could lose.</p>
<hr/><p>For a change-over of shift where all the trucks and ambulances are accounted for, it's eerily quiet. He knows something's different as soon as he enters the station, something too muted about the floor and an emptiness in the locker-room and a chill that pierces the fleece beneath his jacket. He frowns and looks around, recognising the way all the hairs at the back of his neck stand up – once upon a time, it meant raising his guard for an imminent attack. Here, though? In the 118? He's not so afraid of a missile hitting the ceiling.</p><p>It's not until he gets upstairs and surveys the random guy sitting at the kitchen table that he really starts to question whether it's not a matter of <em>what</em> is missing but <em>who</em>.</p><p>He almost does something ludicrous, like check under the kitchen table or peer over the couch but, deep down, he knows it's futile. His heart sinks as he notes how Chim and Hen pointedly avoid looking at him.</p><p>"Where's Buck?" he says, his voice quiet and controlled which is at odds with how it feels like his whole world has just tipped off its axis and rolled away. Bobby's eyes flicker towards him as he adds some spices to whatever he's cooking, but it's only momentary, like he's acknowledging that Eddie spoke without really observing his stance or recognising his tone.</p><p>"Changed his shift rotations," Bobby says simply, and Eddie's gaze darts from Bobby, to Chim, to Hen searching for confirmation or contradiction. Chim and Hen stare at the floor like they aren't acutely aware of the way Eddie is falling apart in front of them, clutching the balcony railing behind him for something to grip onto to disguise how his knees waver.</p><p>"For- For how long?"</p><p>He can tell by the way Bobby's eyes sweep over him, to the others, to the new guy, that this isn't just a one-off change. This is not a temporary reprieve. This is…very possibly permanent.</p><p>His stomach roils at the thought that Buck has left and he's left because of <em>him</em>.</p><p>"Hey. So I'm John," the new guy says with a fake sort of salute which is badly crooked and definitely shows he has no idea what he's doing. Eddie can't decide whether the Army Veteran in him hates John more for that – is he trying to be cool? does he know about Eddie's military history? is he trying to be respectful? – or because he just isn't Buck.</p>
<hr/><p>It's the longest 24-hour shift of his life with back-to-back calls rolling through almost constantly and when he catches brief breaks, he takes the opportunity for a nap before the next blare of the alarm.</p><p>It's not until he's clocking off that he finally fumbles his phone from the pocket of his jeans before he even bothers changing. His fingers hover over the screen, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he searches for the words to say. Is he meant to apologise? Is he meant to plead? Is he meant to extend an olive branch?</p><p>He struggles over the words, thumbs sluggish, but he sends the message and moves to start changing when his phone almost immediately pings. He's surprised Buck had his phone on him and for a brief second or two, he lets himself believe Buck had been waiting for him to finish his shift, to message, to demand what's going on, and maybe that means he-</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Your message could not be sent.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>He frowns, taps the exclamation mark in a bubble, and tries to send the iMessage as a text. It wouldn't be the first time his phone has glitched and-</p><p>A second later, his phone buzzes again with the same message.</p><p>Something knots in his chest, spreading a cold unease to his gut. He's acutely aware of the unsteady skipping beat of his heart, the shallow attempt at an inhale. His fingers move against the screen as he tries to call Buck for the first time in weeks. Maybe if he can just talk to Buck, if he can find the right words to say, if he can hear his voice and cry through an apology. They might not have talked much since New Year but this? He didn't expect Buck to just-</p><p>"I'm sorry, your call could not be connected. Please check the number and try again."</p><p>He's reasonably sure his heart stops and he leans his head against his locker as he lowers the phone from his ear and closes his eyes, trying to remember how to breathe in and breathe out. The seminars at the VA when he'd first got out hadn't prepared him for this. He can't fathom that he's messed up everything so badly that Buck has changed his shifts and changed his number, effectively cutting Eddie off completely. He can't fathom that the person he's called his closest friend since joining the 118 is just...gone.</p><p>He punches the locker beside his head several times, the echoing clang of metal shattering the relative silence of the change room, and his hand aches as he shoves his remaining items of clothing into his gym bag and nearly runs from the station.</p><p>"Hey man, where's the fire?" One of the guys on the next shift is walking in as he rushes out and he barely spares James a glance as he rummages through the side pocket of his bag for his car keys.</p><p>He tries not to speed to Buck's apartment because he doesn't want to get pulled over by Athena, and he doesn't want to run a red light and have an accident, but he's completely distracted throughout the drive because he's trying to rehearse the words he might say to avoid it getting even <em>more</em> out of control. He's not an idiot. He knew Buck had wanted to kiss him at New Year, which meant Buck had deeper feelings and Eddie… Eddie hadn't known what to do. He hadn't known how he felt.</p><p>Honestly, he still doesn't know how he feels - it still feels like he hasn't processed all his anger and grief about Shannon - but he hadn't wanted his friendship with Buck to disintegrate like this. He never thought Buck would disappear on him like this. How is he meant to get in touch when Christopher wants a play date? Who is he meant to call when it feels like his whole world is unravelling at the seams?</p><p>He enters the code for Buck's apartment building to get through the front door and repeatedly jabs at the elevator button until the car arrives. His fingers tap in his pockets during the entire ride to the fourth floor and he has to restrain himself by merely walking very quickly to Buck's door.</p><p>He stands outside the door and realises he's forgotten all the words he'd rehearsed during the drive. He's not sure what to say. He's not sure what state of mind Buck might be in. Maybe Buck will see him and slam the door in his face.</p><p>Panic surges through him at the thought Buck might do <em>that</em>, so he knocks, maybe a little rapid, maybe a little haphazard, but he can feel his pulse fluttering in his neck because Buck can't possibly hate him like <em>that</em>.</p><p>He can hear shuffling movement inside and the panic swells but so does the hope as he searches for any sort of words he should say when the lock clunks and he thinks he's-</p><p>He frowns.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>He looks the old lady over, the way she clutches the handle of the door and peers at him with no comprehension in her gaze. "Uh…" He hesitates, bites his lip again. "I- I was looking for Buck?"</p><p>"Buck?" She looks as confused as him and Eddie thinks he might throw up. "I'm sorry? I don't know who that is."</p><p>He checks the number beside the door. He'd be able to find Buck's door in a fire or a blackout, knows the exact number of steps from elevator to handle, but he checks anyway and yes, it's definitely Buck's apartment. It's an apartment he knows almost as well as his house and he can't understand who this woman is and what's going on and why she doesn't know-</p><p>"He- Um- Maybe you know him as Evan?"</p><p>Her face lights up and Eddie's momentary burst of relief is quickly extinguished. "Oh! Evan! What a nice young man he was!"</p><p>"<em>Was</em>?"</p><p>"Yes! He helped me move in last week," she says with a wistful smile. "Such a helpful boy. So tall and all those muscles! I never could have moved the couch on my own and all my family is interstate, you see. He was ever such a dear!"</p><p>Eddie can't tell if his heart is racing or it's stopped all together. He wonders if he needs to call 911. Maybe he should call Bobby. Bobby has to know what's happened, right? Buck can't have cut them <em>all</em> out, right? "He's- He's not here?" he says, afraid to gain confirmation even as she seems befuddled by his question.</p><p>"Heavens no, son. He sold up and moved out!"</p><p>He does his best to smile at the woman but it's brittle. He thanks her and takes half a step away but she's still at the door and observing him.</p><p>"Can I call someone for you, kid? You don't look so good."</p><p>"I-" He grasps the wall beside him, back to remembering those breathe in, breathe out steps. He swallows and tries to paste on some sort of convincing smile that she can't possibly believe. "I'll be… I'll be okay," he says and he can feel her scrutinising eyes follow him to the elevator.</p><p>He stares at the closed elevator doors for a long, long time as he tries to figure out what he's meant to do now. He doesn't work with Buck anymore. He doesn't have Buck's number anymore. He doesn't know where Buck lives anymore.</p><p>And Eddie's not sure what he's meant to do anymore.</p><p>He descends in the elevator and exits the apartment complex in a daze, fingers curling around his phone as he wonders if everyone else knows Buck has disappeared or if Buck has just cut <em>him</em> off. He looks at the rectangle of electronics and glass and plastic and he's so hurt and furious and terrified that he hurls it at the brick wall beside the entrance.</p><p>The phone explodes in a shower of shards. Some of them glance off his skin and staring at the broken pieces and realising he now needs to buy a new one doesn't make him feel any better.</p><p>His hands tremble because he's not sure anything else ever <em>will</em> make him feel any better.</p>
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</div><hr/><p>He spends two days tearing at his hair and pushing down the tears. When his son is finally asleep, Eddie stares at his new phone and lets the silent tears roll down his cheeks. He's not sure he's felt a comparable agonising sense of loss and loneliness since the night he came home after Shannon died.</p><p>When the next shift starts, he's in his uniform faster than any shift before and locates Chim and Hen upstairs.</p><p>"Do you know where he is?" he demands, keeping his voice lowered but as calm and steady as he can because he needs answers, he needs to fix this, he needs-</p><p>"Yes," Hen says, her gaze fixed on her mug of tea.</p><p>"He's starting over with Cameron," Chim adds, meeting Eddie's stare but looking almost as lost as Eddie's felt for days. "He- He's cut Maddie off too. Says he needs some space."</p><p>And that… That can't be because of <em>him</em>, surely? He can't have fundamentally hurt and broken Buck to the point he now needs to carve his sister out of the picture, can he? Buck, who was frantic to find Maddie barely a year ago after Doug kidnapped her, who has dropped everything to rush to his sister's side, has…told her he needs <em>space</em>?</p><p>"But that…" The words die in his throat as he shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair for the millionth time in as many days. "Buck wouldn't do that," he says, and his voice is smaller than he wants it to be and he can see the way the sparkle in Chim's eyes dim.</p><p>"It's not our choice to make," Bobby says from behind him and he flinches in surprise, too lost in his fear and panic to have noticed his Captain and John approaching from behind him. "He wants a fresh start and he wants his privacy respected. We have to give him that."</p><p>"Don't you think it feels a little off?" Hen murmurs, her eyes drifting from her mug to Chim, to Eddie, and finally to Bobby. She looks miserable and tired, and Eddie's starting to feel like they're all as surprised as he is by Buck's decisions.</p><p>"Buck's old enough to make his own decisions," Bobby points out and if the mood didn't feel so melancholic, Eddie could imagine Chim cracking a joke about Buck's supposed age.</p><p>"What about Chris?" he says, tugging at the end of his sleeves and trying to think about how the hell he was meant to tell his son-</p><p>"Carla might still be in touch with him," Chim mumbles and the alarms ring and force them into action. The conversation might be aborted but feeling like his life is out of control, feeling like he has no one left to call on when everything goes wrong… That feeling stays with him.</p>
<hr/><p>"Do <em>you</em> know where he is?" he says when he gets home and leans against a wall to observe Carla at the kitchen table, glasses poised at the end of her nose and fingers curled around a pen while she works on a crossword puzzle.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>"I do," she says, pursing her lips as she inscribes another word on the page like it isn't making him want to tear out his hair and scream at her for answers or information. "He made it clear that I'm only to call him in case of an emergency with Christopher or if Chris wants to see him."</p><p>"What-" He hesitates, swallows around the tears that threaten to choke him all over again. "What about <em>me</em>?"</p><p>She turns a very sad pair of eyes on him and pinches her glasses off her nose. "He hasn't been happy, Eddie. Not since Abby left, not since Ali broke up with him." She rises from her chair, approaching him cautiously until she can pat her palm against his chest. "We can't hold him back if this will make him happier."</p><p>Her logic is flawed, Eddie knows it, but he can't develop a coherent response as she packs up her belongings and hoists her bag over her shoulder. She pats his cheek gently, the lines of her usually-smiling mouth drawn down.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Eddie," she says and maybe her apology is worse than anything else anyone had said on the shift about Buck's absence. Maybe her apology means she knows he's being torn apart by this. Maybe it's an acknowledgement of how empty and cold his life feels without Buck's warm presence permeating the air.</p><p>Carla remains true to her word though and Chris still gets to see Buck. It's inconsistent, and she insists she'll drive him there – though where 'there' is she refuses to elaborate. He tries asking Chris a few times but Chris just shrugs and says they're often at a park but he doesn't know where it is.</p><p>It's not until about the fourth time that Chris is dropped off by Carla, something hunched in his shoulders as he walks the path to the front door, that he realises something's wrong. He makes a note of it, waits until the next time, and then realises Chris is more subdued than he ever used to be after seeing Buck. Spending time with Buck used to mean laughter and cuddles and jokes. It's why he'd left Chris with Buck so much when he was recovering from his leg injury, or the tsunami. They'd been good together, built a bond he thought would be unbreakable.</p><p>But as he gazes at his son's miserable expression as he smacks pieces of Lego together on the floor, he thinks that bond might have broken.</p><p>"Buddy? What happened with Buck?"</p><p>Chris shrugs, tiny fingers picking up Lego bricks and fitting them together before he throws them at the floor and lets them shatter apart. It's a side Eddie's not sure he's ever seen in his son. "Hanging out with Buck isn't fun anymore."</p><p>Eddie feels his stomach clench as he sits slowly on the couch, hands folded together to disguise how they tremble. It's something he hasn't been able to get rid of for weeks now. "Why not?"</p><p>"He's not…" Chris waves his hand, evidently struggling for the words with the way his forehead creases. "He's different."</p><p>Eddie wants to push – different <em>how</em>? different in a way Eddie should worry about? different in a way he should call Maddie or Bobby about? – but he's not sure what that would achieve. Chris might know something's changed but he's still too young to understand the complexity of human emotions, especially in someone like Buck. If Eddie feels like he doesn't understand Buck right now, how is Chris? And even if there <em>is</em> something to worry about, what would Maddie or Bobby be able to do about it if they didn't have Buck's number or his address?</p><p>"Dad?"</p><p>He lifts his eyes from his hands to look at Chris.</p><p>"Will Buck be upset if I stop going to see him?"</p><p>His breath catches in surprise, prickles of hurt making his eyes burn as he stares at Chris move pieces of Lego around without any sort of grand plan of what he wants to design. He's not sure how to tell his son that he can't tell Buck any of this, that he can't just pick up the phone and call him like they used to. It'll force Carla into being some sort of messenger pigeon and he suspects she'll never tell him how Buck reacts to hearing Chris' request. He knows how much Buck has always meant to Chris, and he thinks Chris means almost as much – if not more – to Buck. If this had been six months ago, Buck would've been crushed to hear that Chris doesn't want to see him anymore. If this had been six months ago, Eddie would have been scared of how Buck would react and whether he'd be a danger to himself.</p><p>Now, though… Now he wonders if maybe it makes it easier for Buck to continue his new life without any of the old ties. Maybe this is what he wants. Maybe this is what Eddie just has to learn to accept. His best friend is gone and he's made it clear he doesn't want any of them in his life anymore. It hurts, like yanking his heart out of his chest with his bare hands would hurt, but he has to respect what his son has asked because he can't force Chris to keep seeing Buck either. He couldn't force a connection. Then Chris would just grow to resent him.</p><p>"He's an adult, Chris," he says, though the words are strangled because his throat is so tight with all the emotions that he feels, and he can only imagine how this will impact Buck and that just adds to the waves of pain. "He- He'll respect what you want. I- Are you sure you won't be upset?"</p><p>Chris clips another two pieces of Lego together before he turns his sad eyes towards Eddie, something too certain that this is the right decision chilling Eddie to the core. "I'll be fine, Dad. He doesn't want me there anymore."</p><p>And that… He really wishes he could dial Buck's number and ask what the hell is going on.</p>
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    <strong>~TBC~</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like I should say in the note here that the rest of this fic is in Eddie's POV, I think probably because 'Tread Lightly' was so much of Buck that I needed to try someone else. Hopefully that's okay...</p><p>Come scream at me on <a href="https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> for breaking your heart, if you need to. I might also be trying to do some mini ficlet writing sometime soon, perhaps, if you have something you'd like to prompt...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,907<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
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<p>It's embarrassing that it takes him a week to realise that if Buck's changed his shifts, then Eddie can just stay later or arrive earlier to catch the other teams arriving or leaving. But Buck never shows and Eddie starts to feel like a creepy stalker, sitting in his truck outside the 118. It makes his skin crawl that there might be parallels between him and Doug, watching Maddie's apartment, spending time with Chim to get closer to him, and so after a couple of weeks of watching and waiting, he stops.</p>
<p>There's some downtime between calls on the next shift and while Hen and Chim show some of the video games to John, who sucks even more than Buck did when he started playing them, he approaches Bobby's office and knocks lightly against the timber frame to draw his boss from the paperwork spread in front of him.</p>
<p>"What can I do for you, Eddie?"</p>
<p>He hesitates, eyes dropping to the floor as he tries to steel himself against whatever he might hear, and looks back at Bobby. "I- I've noticed Buck's never coming in after us, or leaving before us," he says, hoping it doesn't come across as weird as it sounds. "You said he changed shifts but-"</p>
<p>He pauses at the look on Bobby's face, the way his lips purse and his brow furrows and he rubs the bridge of his nose.</p>
<p>The sick churning in his stomach returns.</p>
<p>"What? What haven't you told us?" he says, some of his words perhaps lost in a cheer from Hen past his shoulder.</p>
<p>"He transferred," Bobby says, and for a moment Eddie thinks yes, he knows this. He knows Buck transferred. That's why they aren't on the same shift anymore and they have John and-</p>
<p>And then he reads into the loss and worry in Bobby's eyes and realises it's more than that.</p>
<p>"He transferred <em>stations</em>?"</p>
<p>Bobby nods and Eddie runs a hand through his hair, pinching at some of the strands so that the pain anchors him back to the present and he doesn't throw up his lunch. "Apparently the 118 was too far from his new place with Cameron so he needed to change."</p>
<p>He stares at Bobby, struggling to comprehend that this happened and wasn't announced. "You know where he went?"</p>
<p>"I do."</p>
<p>"And you're not going to tell us?"</p>
<p>Bobby tilts his head, one eyebrow arching in a silent challenge, and Eddie gets it. No, of course not. Not if they were trying to respect Buck's privacy. Not if they were trying to allow him to make a fresh start.</p>
<p>A month passes and Bobby makes some off-hand complaint to Chim about finding it difficult to convince Buck to stop by for Friday dinner or Sunday lunch, depending on the rotations. Eddie tries not to act too surprised that Bobby must have some sort of contact with Buck again, but when he hears Chim reply that Buck still isn't talking to Maddie, that they haven't seen each other since January, he feels like he should put his hand up and say it was his fault Buck left and destroyed their family. He feels like he should suggest that <em>he</em> transfer to some new station and bring Buck back. They all functioned better with Buck in their lives, and he was at the 118 before Eddie, so as the last in he should be the first out.</p>
<p>He glances across at John, loudly slurping his way through a bowl of soup.</p>
<p>If nothing else, he just wants to work with a partner that he doesn't want to strangle because he's not Buck and he never will be.</p>
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<p>He finds new routines, which are probably the same as his old routines, where he leaves Chris with Abuela when he has an overnight shift and where he calls on Carla for help getting Chris to school when he has an early shift. It's a struggle to make it work, and he misses the extra set of eyes and hands Buck provided, misses the way the three of them could hang out so he wasn't so alone dealing with Chris, but he has to keep going, has to soldier on, because that's what he's always done.</p>
<p>Chris stops asking about Buck, and Eddie tries to stop thinking about him, because the pain that lances through him always steals the breath from his lungs when he wonders what Buck's doing, or how he's doing, or why he's doing all this. He can only hope he's happy, that the fresh start he'd craved is everything he'd hoped it would be. When he sees Maddie at various gatherings, he can tell from the constant sparkle of tears that she's not okay with losing her brother like this.</p>
<p>When the anniversary of Shannon's death hits, it knocks him back several steps. He begs off his shift, loads Chris onto Abuela, and escapes to a gym where he can spar with someone. The sound of his gloves hitting pads, or glancing off flesh, isn't satisfying anymore but it helps soothe the angry lion that coils around his shoulders even if he spends half an hour sobbing in his truck afterwards, wondering what he's meant to do for an entire day without his son, without his wife, without his best friend.</p>
<p>Like last year, he ends up on the beach with a bottle of whiskey and staring at the sunlight glittering off the ocean. It's the same ocean as last year, clear and blue and welcoming, yet this same water had nearly stolen his son and best friend only a few months later. And now he <em>has </em>lost his best friend, somewhere out in the universe, somewhere at a different station in Los Angeles, and he's left to sit here, alone, with all this grief that threatens to drown him like the ocean in front of him could do. Tears roll down his cheeks because even without her letter, he can still hear her words echo in his head. She wrote a letter to Chris about leaving but had she ever stopped to think about leaving <em>him</em> anything? It feels selfish to wonder if he'd mattered to her at all. She'd pushed her way back into their lives and then tried to turn around and flee again.</p>

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</div><p>His phone buzzes and he considers ignoring it, but it's Bobby's name flashing and he forces his thumb to swipe across the screen.</p>
<p>"Hello?"</p>
<p>"Hey."</p>
<p>Eddie swallows, fingers coiling around the neck of the bottle, at the gentle steadiness of Bobby's voice.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry I didn't realise the date sooner," Bobby says and Eddie's eyes scrunch shut, fresh tears stabbing at tear ducts. He wouldn't have thought he had any tears left after today. "I thought maybe you were just unwell and then I- Anyway, I didn't realise and I'm sorry. How are you holding up?"</p>
<p>He manages a broken sort of laugh, his lungs clenching around his heart, and he can hear Bobby's soft sigh. "I didn't think it would still hurt so much, Cap."</p>
<p>"It's the first year. It's always hardest-"</p>
<p>"Is it?" He lifts the bottle to his lips, steals another couple of mouthfuls, and realises he's never going to be able to drive home. He probably should've thought of that before now. "So next year, I won't feel like this is killing me all over again?"</p>
<p>"Eddie…"</p>
<p>He shakes his head, pushes the bottle back into the sand, because drinking like this makes him foolish, and arrogant, and spiteful, and it's part of why Shannon had left him the first time. "Sorry. That was- I shouldn't take this out on you."</p>
<p>"You're hurt, Eddie," Bobby says quietly and Eddie just wants to know when he'll stop hurting, when he'll stop wanting to tear himself apart because all he ever does is make mistakes that lead to other people getting hurt. In Afghanistan, in his relationship with Shannon, in his friendship with Buck. "Where are you?"</p>
<p>He rubs his cheek against his sleeve, soaking the tears away even as he knows it's a pointless exercise. "Santa Monica beach. The pier is a bit of a speck, I'm so far south. But I- You know I came here last year? And then only a few months later, Buck and Chris were here when the tsunami hit. And now all I have is Chris."</p>
<p>"I know you miss Buck."</p>
<p>He chokes on a laugh, almost decides to fling his phone into the ocean because Bobby's using that low tone and slow voice when trying to de-escalate a situation. He's heard it too many times on calls. Hell, Eddie's used it too.</p>
<p>"He was my <em>best friend</em>, Cap, and now he's just-" He waves his hand around pointlessly, knuckles faintly bruised from the sparring earlier. "I'm just not enough for anyone."</p>
<p>"Eddie-"</p>
<p>"No, it's true. I wasn't enough for Shannon, and then I wasn't enough for Buck. Who's next? You?"</p>
<p>"Eddie, it's <em>not</em> true. You spoke to Frank about this. What happened to Shannon-"</p>
<p>Eddie ends the call and switches off his phone, his hands shaking with anger, and pain, and anxiety. All day, all he's been able to think about is Shannon's crumpled body on the crosswalk, her bright yellow shirt, the fan of her hair against the pavement, the flutter of her eyes when her body had started to collapse in the ambulance. He doesn't need more reminders. He just needs to forget. He just needs it all to go away.</p>
<p>He drinks more, and he cries more, and half an hour passes before he hears the crunch of footsteps behind him as the sand shifts. He almost tells whoever it is to go to hell, that it's a private party for one, but there's a firm hand at his shoulder which stops him, which draws his swollen eyes away from the glimmer of light on ripples of water.</p>
<p>"You know, I could arrest you for public intoxication," Athena says, eyebrow arched as she takes in the bottle of whiskey and almost certainly his dishevelled state. She's clearly on shift, and he's embarrassed to be seen like this by her, by <em>anyone</em>. He tries so hard to maintain control, to keep the façade raised, that he can only imagine how Bobby will approach him on his next shift.</p>
<p>He presses his hands to his face, rubs sand across his skin and tries to avoid rubbing it into his eyes. "Bobby called you?"</p>
<p>"He did." She squeezes his shoulder and runs her hand down his back. "He had a feeling you wouldn't be able to drive home and requested a welfare check."</p>
<p>"I'm okay, Athena."</p>
<p>"No, you're not," she says, shifting slightly so that she's sitting beside him, moving the bottle to the other side of her and out of his reach. Her arm wraps around his shoulders, tugging him into her side, and he can feel the tenuous grip on his emotions faltering. "And that's okay, Eddie. It's okay to be sad today."</p>
<p>A sob escapes him before he can cover his mouth to suppress it, and she doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away, just keeps her arm around him and provides some shelter from the storm that sweeps through him.</p>
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<p>Days kaleidoscope into weeks which blend into months.</p>
<p>He only hears bits and pieces about Buck in the ensuing months, fragments of gossip shared between Hen and Chim, or gleaned from Maddie, or guessed at from Bobby's stubborn silence. He knows Buck's still with Cameron, and he knows he's still distant from all of them, and he knows he lives somewhere past the Hollywood sign in the sprawling valley of north LA. It's not much, and it's a distance from all of them in the south-east, but it's something.</p>
<p>Maybe that's why it leaves them all staring with equally dumbfounded expressions when Buck arrives at Bobby and Athena's for the Fourth of July party. Eddie hadn't been keen on going, the erratic explosions throughout the day and night sure to leave him on-edge, but Chris had begged to see Harry and Denny and Bobby had insisted Eddie needed to be there because it was a family thing and Eddie wasn't sure how he could turn that down.</p>
<p>So when a strange hush descends on the party when he's in the middle of talking to Hen and Albert, he follows their gaze to where Buck's lingering in the doorway, his hand clasped in another man's, and forgets whatever topic they'd been discussing. His eyes skip over Buck, taking in how he seems a little smaller, his shoulders a little stooped, his eyes slightly shadowed, but it's probably Eddie's imagination because he hasn't seen Buck in so long – none of them have – and Eddie knows how awkward and uncomfortable Buck had to be feeling to just…<em>show up</em> like this.</p>
<p>And then, of course, there's the examination of the guy that hangs off Buck's arm, who is shorter than Buck, with dark hair and light eyes and pale skin. There is clear definition in the muscles of his arms beneath his shirt, but Eddie doesn't think he's a firefighter. Something about the set of his shoulders, something about the way his eyes move around, too cold and too assessing.</p>
<p>Eddie's honestly not sure what he'd expected. Maybe naively, he'd assumed Cameron was a girl's name, like Cameron Diaz. Maybe he'd just assumed Buck felt something for him but it was a one-off thing, that he wasn't really gay, or bi. Maybe Eddie had been too ashamed to ask or find out.</p>
<p>"Did you know Cameron was-?" he begins as he returns to Hen, whatever had previously been on his mind forgotten.</p>
<p>"A guy?" She shrugs. "Yes. It came up when we were discussing Valentine's date ideas, because I kept suggesting things I thought a girl would like and he told me. I'm not sure how many other people knew though."</p>
<p>"I didn't know," Albert says and Eddie and Hen look at him, wondering how much Albert would truly be told about anyone he hadn't met. Albert pulls an apologetic face and scurries away, and Eddie and Hen eventually drift away to conversations with other people.</p>
<p>It's inordinately difficult to keep his expression neutral and continue engaging in the party though when his eyes keep darting towards Buck, attempting to gauge how he's doing when he seems to have retreated to a corner with Cameron and seems ambivalent or avoidant of engaging with too many other people. It's almost enough for Eddie to wonder why he even bothered coming, and maybe Buck had expected some enormous welcome, some sort of gracious bestowing of affection on him after his many months of absence. Instead, everyone seems to be awkwardly moving around, unsure whether they should move closer to Buck to talk to him or stay away because he's not interested.</p>
<p>His only saving grace is that he's not the only one who keeps monitoring Buck.</p>
<p>"You seem worried," he says as he approaches Maddie, gently curling his arm through hers to link at the elbow. She bites her lip and rubs at his elbow, attempting a smile at him that doesn't quite hide the concern that shimmers in her eyes.</p>
<p>"I haven't seen him in…in a while," she admits, and Eddie's not exactly sure whether that means a week, a month, or longer. Time has lost meaning since Buck disappeared to live with Cameron and he's stopped paying attention to calendars just to make it hurt a little less. He covers her hand with his and squeezes lightly. "He- He looks good, right? You think he looks okay?"</p>
<p>Eddie glances over his shoulder at where Buck's talking to May, his hand laced through Cameron's, and thinks Buck looks undoubtedly tired. Maybe he's just come off his shift rotation, and maybe his new station is busier, or maybe it's smaller and they're undermanned, or maybe he's just had a rough few days of sleep. It's impossible to tell with Buck.</p>
<p>"He's- I haven't seen him since March," he says eventually, because he's not sure how Buck's meant to look to him anymore. The realisation that it's four months since he last laid eyes on someone he called his best friend causes new daggers of pain to tear through him, reminding him how Buck hadn't gotten in touch on the anniversary of Shannon's death. And though he'd held his phone all day, he didn't have Buck's number to get in touch on the anniversary of the truck bombing.</p>
<p>Maddie turns her hand to loosely grasp his fingers. "I wish I understood what happened. One day he was okay, and the next he- He stopped talking to me. Like a switch."</p>
<p>Eddie swallows, the confession that it's his fault weighing sourly on his tongue. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, because she'll take it that he feels bad for her rather than recognising he's to blame for the loss of her brother.</p>
<p>She flashes a smile at him even though it's clearly etched in sadness around the edges. "We have to give him time, right? Respect his privacy like he asked and hope that means he's happy."</p>
<p>He nods but he's unconvinced, and he knows she doesn't believe the nonsense she's spouting either. He presses a kiss to her hair and leaves her with Chim, deciding that another beer – or maybe something stronger – would help settle his discomfort at being in the same space as Buck and yet feeling he was completely out of reach. He wasn't like May. He couldn't just sidle on over and start up a conversation. It felt like it would inevitably lead to a fight and he didn't want that. He hadn't wanted to come to Bobby and Athena's before but now he feels distinctly unwelcome, like he doesn't belong, and it's a difficult sensation to have trickling down his spine and coiling in his gut.</p>
<p>He's reaching for some juice to pour into a cup for Chris when he glimpses a shirt out of the corner of his eye. He recognises the pale green cotton and fights the tension that settles across his shoulders.</p>
<p>"Hey. I don't think we've met?" the guy says, his light eyes – almost a cold, steel grey – flashing over Eddie with curiosity. He extends his hand, a smile that borders on a smirk pulling at one side of his mouth. "I'm Cameron."</p>
<p><em>I know</em>, Eddie resists the urge to sneer. Instead, he dredges up the best sort of smile he has – the one that's usually reserved for when Abuela or Tia or his mother try to set up with someone, and meets Cameron's stare. "Eddie," he replies, grasping Cameron's hand and shaking it firmly, searching for a weakness, determined to convey he can be a threat if he needs to be and he's not a pushover.</p>
<p>Cameron looks puzzled when he releases their hands, returning to gathering a fresh beer. "Eddie? I don't think Buck's ever mentioned you. How do you know him?"</p>
<p>And Eddie… He's not sure if his mouth falls open or his teeth grit together or both. How can Buck not have mentioned him to Cameron? They've been dating almost six months, if Eddie's rough calculations are anything to go by. Had he really meant so little to Buck that he wasn't even worth mentioning or, worse, had he meant so much that Buck didn't want to talk to him anymore?</p>
<p>The thoughts swirl around his head even as he answers simply, "We used to work together."</p>
<p>"Oh. At the 118?" Cameron nods, twisting the cap of a beer and reaching for the bottle of lemonade to pour a glass. "Yeah, Buck's talked about that place. I'm glad he was able to transfer out."</p>
<p>It's difficult for Eddie not to squeeze the plastic cup of juice so tight that it crumples and spills sticky liquid over his hand and the drinks table. <em>That place</em>? What was wrong with the 118? How had Buck painted the station to his boyfriend? Was he ignorant to the family that missed him?</p>
<p>"Anyway, best get these back. Nice meeting you, Edward," Cameron says and Eddie's partway to opening his mouth and correcting the guy when he turns and wanders away and Eddie's left to seethe about the casual assumption of his full name. His hand feels vaguely like it's coated in slime from where he'd grasped Cameron's palm, and it feels like there ants of disgusting creeping and crawling across his shoulders, but it's probably just him and his paranoia.</p>
<p>Bobby engineers the barbecue where they don't have to sit at the table, which provides some blessed relief from needing to be too close to Buck. He catches Cameron looking at him a couple of times but they keep their distance and Eddie stays close to Hen and Karen while he eats.</p>
<p>"You can say hi to him if you want," he says when he catches Chris' longing stare towards Buck.</p>
<p>Chris shakes his head, tearing his eyes away from where Buck's chewing on a bread roll, and returns his attention to the sliced pieces of sausage and salad Eddie left on his plate. "He doesn't wanna talk to me anyway."</p>
<p>He frowns but it's Hen who beats him to responding. "Buck loves you, Chris."</p>
<p>"I know," Chris says, stabbing at a piece of tomato, "but he loves Cameron more."</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure what the connection between those two ideas are but it clearly makes sense in Chris' head. He can tell Hen and Karen are equally confused, exchanging looks between them and with each other, and the conversation shifts to other topics but he's still thinking about it when he gathers the plates to clear them in the kitchen. There's a squeak of shoes against the floorboards and he turns, freezing when he sees Buck, who had evidently almost tripped over his own feet. Eddie wonders if he can scrape the scraps faster.</p>
<p>"Hey," he says, clearing his throat of the lump with some repeated attempts at swallowing.</p>
<p>Buck stares at him, hands shoved in his pocket. It's a sign that he's anxious, and Eddie hates that he makes Buck anxious. "Hi."</p>
<p>"It's, uh… It's been a while," he says, fighting to keep his tone even. He sets the plates and utensils on the stack beside the sink and turns to look at Buck.</p>
<p>But despite the way Buck hides his hands, the expression in his eyes has a cold sort of distance. He looks at Eddie, but he also looks <em>straight through</em> Eddie too.</p>
<p>"Yeah." There's nothing warm in his voice, and Eddie notes a tic at his jaw when he grits his teeth together. There are so many mixed signals of anxiety, and fury, and hurt, and Eddie's struggling to categorise them, struggling to determine how to navigate this absolute minefield of a conversation. "How's Chris?"</p>
<p>He glances past Buck to where Chris has spent most of the party on the floor of the living room with Denny and Harry playing video games. "He's good. Been spending a lot of the holidays with the boys."</p>
<p>Buck nods and his eyes shift away. It's clear his attention is already wandering, his interest in the conversation evidently already fading, and Eddie wishes he knew how to fix this.</p>
<p>"Evan…" The use of Buck's first name escapes him before he'd even made the conscious decision to say it and the icy blue eyes snap back to him again. He tries not to close his eyes to avoid looking at someone he thought he knew so well, someone he's longed to see for months, someone he tried to track to the ends of his capabilities when he left so abruptly. "Are you okay?"</p>
<p>Buck's face shifts and something cracks in the expression, something vulnerable and afraid and miserable. He opens his mouth to say something, maybe to insist he's fine or maybe to say he's not, but then he seals his lips shut again. A second later, Cameron appears at his side and winds his arm around Buck's neck. In the span of a few heartbeats, Buck's eyes have flattened and his lips have pressed together and he's turned back into an alien that Eddie doesn't recognise as a person he worked alongside for eighteen months.</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>"Catching up on station gossip?" Cameron jokes, his grin exposing too many teeth so he looks like a shark, and Eddie decides he doesn't like him. Cameron makes him uncomfortable. The way Buck closes himself off makes Eddie uncomfortable.</p>
<p>"Nothing of <em>interest</em>," Buck snipes and it's those words that are his undoing. More than anything else, those words are what make Eddie falter. His eyes widen at the bitterness in Buck's tone, the chill in his words, and he wonders if this is what Chris had referred to when he talked about Buck being different. Maybe Buck had been so hurt, so furious, at Eddie because of what happened at New Year that he'd taken it out on Christopher.</p>
<p>It makes an anger flare in his chest, his hands clenching, because if Buck has made Chris ever feel unwelcome, unwanted then he'll-</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure what he'd do, but the reality is that the longer he stares at Buck, searching through all the words he could possibly say, the more he realises he has no words for this situation. This Buck, this blue-eyed, blonde-haired man that he'd trusted his son with more than anyone else, isn't someone he knows anymore.</p>
<p>It hits him like a sledgehammer and he's not sure why it takes until now to occur to him but now it does: his best friend is gone.</p>
<p>He gathers Chris into his arms a short time later, asks if his kid wants to escape the party before all the loud noises start. He knows he uses it as an excuse to get away from Buck, knows that every time he sees Buck and Cameron together it feels like there are daggers piercing his heart and lungs and stomach, but his son also knows him, know how much he hates the fireworks and explosions even if he doesn't completely understand why the noises affect him so terribly. And Chris is such a sweetheart that he agrees without question or protest, letting Eddie lift him and be carried around on his hip while they say their goodbyes.</p>
<p>Eddie sees Buck, asks Chris if he wants to say goodbye, but Chris says no and so they don't even bother saying farewell to Buck.</p>
<p>He's not sure if Buck had acknowledged Chris during the party and he's not willing to ask on the drive home. He wants to, wants to know if Chris has mustered the courage to acknowledge someone he called his hero, but he can't. He can't get rid of the way Buck had looked at him out of his mind. He tries to leave all his memories of Buck behind him the further he drives from Bobby and Athena's house.</p>
<p>He tries to pretend that the reason he ends up in tears, clutching a pillow against his chest after he's put Chris to bed, is because of the erratic boom of fireworks.</p>
<p>He tries to pretend it's not because he feels so empty and alone with the realisation he's ruined the best thing he had in Los Angeles.</p>
<hr/>
<p>By the end of the month, Christopher's sporadic nightmares return. Maybe he should have predicted it when the one-year anniversary of the tsunami approaches. Eddie wakes up every time, folding Chris into his chest and rubbing a hand down his back. He wishes it didn't hurt so much when Chris asks through his sniffles if they can call Buck, if they can check he's okay.</p>
<p>"We can't right now, bud," he murmurs, humming lullabies until Chris' panicky breaths settle.</p>
<p>When the day finally dawns, he can't help but spend a lot of the day wondering how Buck is handling the anniversary. He takes Chris to one of the memorial services, cradling Chris on his hip while silent tears trickle down his tiny face. It hurts him to see but Chris insists he needed to be there, needed to see if they could find Buck among the crowds.</p>
<p>It leaves him tongue-tied most of the way home and by the time they return and Chris asks if they can watch movies, he realises Chris has been almost silent for a couple of hours. He runs his fingers through the blond curls, his attention constantly drifting away from whatever is on the screen in front of them.</p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p>He peers down at Chris, cradling his cheek and running a thumb across his tiny nose and along some of the glitter of tears that linger on his face. "Yeah, bud?"</p>
<p>"What do you think Buck's doing today?"</p>
<p>He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but he doesn't know. He glances at the TV, naively hopeful that he'll find the answers there, and then looks back at Chris and shrugs. He can't even try to guess. Maybe Buck's got a shift, or maybe he's coiled at his home with Cameron wondering what Chris is doing. He aches with the knowledge it's his fault that there's this gulf between them, that his rejection of Buck has destroyed the very best parts of his life.</p>
<p>"I don't know, mijo," he murmurs, kissing Chris' hair and squeezing him closer, "but I'm sure he's thinking of you today too."</p>
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<p></p><div class="center">
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    <em>
      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Maddie was very insistent that, for art-making purposes, we needed to figure out a face for Cameron. We eventually settled on Sterling Beaumon. The manip in this chapter was a quick thing made by me. There's a gif Mads made (if you've looked at the art post) which will be in a later chapter. If you're anything like Nicole, you start swearing and spitting on the spot at the sight of anything I send that could be a Cam image.</p>
<p>Are we starting to see any breadcrumbs? Maybe. Maybe not. They'll make more sense later on ;) Screech at me below or find me on Tumblr where I've been filling <a href="https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/post/622783386752303104/101-fluffy-prompts">fluffy prompts</a> if you want to request something to make up for wrecking your heart here...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 2,483<br/>
<strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/><p>Chris returns to school and the routines with Abuela and Carla begin again. Sometimes he needs to call Pepa and beg her to take Chris for a while, just because he needs some additional time before he tries to be a single parent. Sometimes Hen collects Chris for a playdate with Denny, and sometimes Bobby picks him up to take him and Harry out, but it's still hard to find much time where Dad Mode is switched off and he can catch his breath and unscramble his head. He'd be lying if he hadn't thought about returning to El Paso, about listening to his parents' pleas to come home and join a firehouse back in Texas. Without Shannon, and now without Buck, it feels like there's not much truly tying him to LA.</p><p>The only reason he continues resisting the urge is because he could imagine his mother's grin that he'd come home, or his father's insistence that he quit being a firefighter because it was too risky when he was all Chris had and it was smarter re-join the family business. He tries to remind himself it's the right decision that there's physical distance between them, that he's old enough to make his own decisions without them about how he lives his life and what job he has. They hadn't been pleased when he enlisted in the army, and they hadn't been pleased when he'd uprooted his life to LA, and they hadn't been pleased when he'd signed up to the LAFD.</p><p>Their high hopes for him have been what he has striven to avoid ever achieving.</p><p>August melts into September, the shifts continue to roll past each other, and Eddie climbs into the truck on autopilot when the alarms blare. John continues to sit where Buck used to and even though it's been almost six months, it still feels wrong to see John every shift. It still feels like he's an imposter, a placeholder, someone on a temporary assignment rather than a permanent one. Maybe it's because Eddie had had to work without Buck last year when his leg was broken, and he'd known that in some distant future Buck would return. Maybe he continues to believe that now.</p><p>And John… The guy's alright, Eddie supposes, in an abstract sort of sense. He's responsible, he's experienced, and he's not going to make reckless decisions that Eddie has to correct or question. He has less energy than Buck, although Eddie's not sure anyone can truly keep up with him, and he's not a target for Chim and Hen's jokes which means there's a lot less laughter around the 118. The cold sort of despondency has faded but it's not the same.</p><p>"Four-alarm fire call at Universal Studios," Bobby says, the urgency in his tone drawing Eddie to attention. A four-alarm is serious and the way that Bobby's shifting in his seat to look at them in the back, the sparkle of concern in his eyes, suggests it's plausible this will get worse. "We're going in as a squad on rescues and you need to stay together in your pairs. Eddie and John, Chim and Hen. Check you've got additional batteries for torches because it's going to be dark inside the attraction. Radio if something seems to be off and get the hell out of there, alright?"</p><p>"Cap?" Chim says, fiddling with his radio to ensure it's tuned to the same frequency as the rest of them. "Do they think it'll get worse?"</p><p>Bobby's lips are a grim line. He doesn't need to respond to the question.</p><p>Eddie starts fiddling with the clasps on his jacket and his helmet because chances are they'll have to move fast. A four-alarm call to Universal means absolute chaos. There will be screaming children separated from frantic parents, sheer panic when people fail to follow directions to marshal in the correct areas, stampedes that can contribute to fractures, fear which leads to crush injuries… And that's not even accounting for the actual reason for the four-alarm call, which must be a massive inferno already.</p><p>Dread sits heavy in his stomach.</p><p>The only thing he can determine might be a grace is that it's a weekday, and schools are back, and it's not peak tourist season for the rest of the world to visit, so crowd numbers must be reduced.</p><p>Eddie can see the acrid smoke billowing as the truck winds along the road and he exchanges looks with Chim, Hen and John. He has no doubt this will turn into a five-alarm fire and then it'll be all hands on deck from across the city.</p><p>They jump from the rig once it stops amid the rest of the engines and strap oxygen tanks to their back, checking the gauges and the buckles while moving through the tide of escaping people. He hears Bobby bellowing behind them, directing the crowd where to go, and Eddie's eyes dart across the sea to find John. He pulls his partner closer to his side, falling into step behind Chim and Hen as they trudge towards the castle. Flames leap from windows and towers, bits of exposed metal revealing the carcass of an attraction that drew people from all over the world.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>"What are we looking at?" Chim yells at a Chief who seems to be directing LAFD traffic in and out, pointing stretchers in one direction or another.</p><p>"Numerous still strapped into seats. Plenty injured in the rush to escape. It's dark and it's twisty and there are concerns about the structural integrity," the man says, his jacket emblazoned with <em>HARRELSON</em> across the back. He gestures at a pair of firefighters escorting an older man and a kid to the right. The older man is coughing, clinging to the firefighter, while the kid's left arm is clearly broken. Soot smears his terrified face and Eddie aches for him, wonders where his family are and if they're okay. "The staging area is towards Waterworld because it has the best fire protection from all the pyrotechnics they use for the shows. Now go!" Harrelson shouts above the hubbub. "Find vics, save vics, don't get hurt. It's that simple today."</p><p>They nod and move towards the ride, Chim and Hen grasping at each other while Eddie tugs his mask over his face to block out the billowing smoke. As he approaches the iconic castle, he remembers why he's always resisted bringing Chris to a place like this. His kid can't move fast and if something went wrong, these places of fun quickly turned into places of terror and death. He'd already experienced that sort of panic when the tsunami hit the pier. Eddie wasn't sure his kid would ever leave the house again if he experienced something like this.</p><p>Bobby had been correct when he'd said to pack extra batteries because once they enter, their torches struggle to cut through the haze of smoke in the snaking corridors to allow for people to line up for the ride. There are plenty of LAFD uniforms already crawling over vics, triaging them just inside the entrance of one of the rooms, and they look like they're among attempted escapees who probably turned and ran blindly in the dark. Deep beneath the groans and crackles of the mechanical ride on fire, Eddie can hear the screams for help and the pleas for rescue even if he's not sure how to get to anyone inside this labyrinth.</p><p>It feels like he's walking into hell.</p><p>Chim and Hen find an unattended vic further on, someone clutching at the wall with one hand and coughing violently into the other. Eddie thinks the vic is male but it's hard to tell in the gloom and it doesn't matter as Chim and Hen stay to help and he and John continue on. He's not exactly sure where they're meant to start, and it would help if they knew how many had been rescued or needed to be rescued. If no one had any sort of figure, then vics were easy to miss during a rescue op and quickly became casualties instead.</p><p>They eventually arrive at the platform where people get into four-seater chairs and he can see a dim line of emergency lights amidst the jostling of people being guided out by a series of LAFD uniforms. He taps John's shoulder and shines his torch in that direction.</p><p>"Follow the lights? See who we find?" he radios. John's helmet jerk as he nods, gesturing to Eddie to lead the way.</p><p>He tramps into the darkness, following the metal platform that has temporarily cleared of the rush of people and starts sweeping his torch over the empty chairs, searching for anyone else who might still be stuck, checking for anyone else who may have walked part of the way and then collapsed. The ride is a veritable maze in the dark and it looks like it doesn't have a lot of light at the best of times. Among the smoke, he quickly loses his bearings of which direction is the ultimate out and he knows that's a bad sign. He can still hear shrill calls though so he pushes on, following the source of the noise, until he turns a corner and finds a chair with four trapped people sobbing for help.</p><p>"John."</p><p>"On it."</p><p>He waves at the group as he approaches, torch flashing over their faces. "Hi. I'm Eddie." He assesses the two younger women and the two kids in the ride, who look unscathed but terribly frightened. "This is John. We're going to help you out."</p><p>"Oh my God, we thought we were gonna die," one of the women sobs, reaching towards him like he's going to lift her straight through the metal and off to safety.</p><p>"Please help us," whimpers one of the kids, a little boy who can't be much older than Chris. His eyes are white and wild, his fingers clutching the restraints against his chest.</p><p>John flashes the torch over the back of the ride. "Here," he says and together their hands move over the emergency lever that unlocks the restraints. One of the women shrieks and one of the kids starts sobbing again, but both John and Eddie have their scissors out and cut through the belts quickly.</p><p>The little boy throws himself into Eddie's arms once he's free and he's got too much gear on for this to be comfortable, but he pats the kid's back anyway. "Alright, kiddo. You're all good now," he comforts, untangling the tiny limbs to hand him off to one of the women. "Follow the lights and you'll find more LAFD members who can lead you out, okay?"</p><p>The four nod and race in the direction Eddie had pointed.</p><p>"You reckon we shouldn't escort them out?" John says behind him when Eddie resumes walking.</p><p>"We've come all this way in to help one group when we can still hear others?" John has to be able to hear the screams and the pleas. "If all we keep doing is going back and forth, it's a waste of our time and our energy ferrying them out. We'll be exhausted and deplete oxygen tanks. Better to see if we can save many before we turn ourselves around to-"</p><p>There's a rumble that takes him back to the earthquake, where the floor shakes and the ceiling groans. He reaches for the wall, clutching at anything he can find until it passes. For a fleeting second, he thinks of Buck and rappelling through the hotel room to save Ali, but he can't afford to pay attention to it because the terrified screaming has gone up a notch. He waves his torch around to check for any sign of damage but all the walls seem to be painted black and nothing seems visible. It's a terrible design flaw and it's going to get people killed. Harrelson had mentioned concerns about structural integrity but he's not sure how anyone is meant to tell if there are cracks.</p><p>"You good?" he calls to John, fingers at his radio to provide an update to the outside.</p><p>"For now," John agrees and they continue forward while Eddie explains the situation and their approximate location.</p><p>"<em>Help</em>!"</p><p>He stops when John's hand grabs at his jacket, realising there's a sheer drop in front of him. The platform they're on stops, and they have to either descend a ladder or use some rappelling gear to get to the ground. Stuck in the middle of some giant globe-shaped space are several chairs, each with people flailing in desperation when they see the torch light pierce the darkness.</p><p>"<em>Shit</em>," he mutters as he surveys the scene. The equipment they've got is useless for rescuing any of these people and maybe no one else has even made it this far yet. His fingers fumble at the radio again. "Mayday, mayday. This is Eddie Diaz from the 118. We've found at least a dozen vics trapped in a central, mid-air location. We need ladders and ropes and a hell of a lot more light. Do we know where the source of the fire is yet?"</p><p>"Relaying your information to the Chief now, Eddie. No confirmation of the fire's location but we're now at a five-alarm." Bobby's voice crackles back through the darkness but there's no joy in hearing the update that this situation is getting worse and they're somewhere in the middle of it. Eddie can only stare in abject shock and horror at the sight in front of him, realising there's nothing he can do until more backup arrives.</p><p>There's another quiver in the floor, another shudder that surrounds them, and the closest chair jerks in front of them. The two young guys trapped inside have white knuckles from how tightly they're gripping the restraints. They look so close Eddie could almost imagine clutching their hands and hauling them to safety, but the drop to the floor is severe if the timing or angle is off and he shouldn't risk-</p><p>"Eddie, maybe we should-"</p><p>There's a screech of metal that cuts through the shouts of a dozen people. Then there's a deafening sort of <em>boom</em> which flows through Eddie's feet to the top of his head. The floor seems to give way beneath him, turning into an undulating series of waves like he's on an inflatable bed, and his feet slip from the platform. He falls into what seems like an endless abyss of blackness until his body hits the ground. There's a microsecond of pain that takes his breath away, that flares something white and hot and agonising through his brain, and he tries to reach for his radio, tries to provide an update, but the blackness that surrounds him rapidly infiltrates his brain until he's no longer aware of the calamity of noise and devastation that occurs above and below and around him.</p>
<hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The Hogwarts manip was made by me because that image was just so strong in my head that I neeeeeeded it to be made and shown and shared.</p><p>If you thought the angst was over, buckle up. Drop a comment below or come yell at me on my <a href="https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>.</p><p>And now.....<em>*flees*</em></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,349<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He stirs with a moan because shifting against whatever he's laying on pulls at his ribs and his leg. There's a steady beeping somewhere to his right which is causing a stabbing pain behind his eyeballs. His throat feels like he swallowed half the desert and he struggles to concentrate on any particular thought that slips and slides behind his eyelids because everything seems so far away and fuzzy.</p>
<p>When he finally manages to crack his eyes open, his blurry vision swims around the white room to take in the figure surrounding him. Even though nothing is clear, he struggles to form a weak smile when his vision settles on Abuela beside his bed.</p>
<p>"<em>Nieto</em>," she breathes in wonder, like it's an awe-struck prayer. She captures his hand and squeezes tightly, and it brings a new sort of ache to his awareness. "Dios mío, we have been so worried."</p>
<p>He can barely flex his fingers against hers because it requires too much concentration, too much energy, and there's a sense of exhaustion etched so deep in his bones that he feels like he needs to sleep for a week. His attention drifts around the stark white room again, taking in the TV against the opposite wall and a framed picture of some flowers on another wall that looks to lead towards the hospital corridor. Everything looks so painfully generic that he's not sure where he is.</p>
<p>"H-How long was I o-out?" he whispers, his throat so rough that he can't manage to infuse any actual tone behind it. She kisses the back of his hand, smooths her thumb against his knuckles.</p>
<p>"Almost a week, mi amor." She touches his palm to her cheek and he tries to curl a couple of fingers against her soft, lined flesh. She flashes him a smile when she feels the twitch. "Your Mama and Papa are getting coffee but they should be back soon. They'll be so relieved."</p>
<p>He tries to nod but his head spins too much. He has to close his eyes and breathe, but it hurts to inhale too deeply. The shallow breaths he's forced to take aren't particularly good at settling his nerves but it's the best he's got. "W-Where's Shannon?" he asks, slowly opening his eyes again to look at her. "Is she w-with them?"</p>
<p>There's a flash in her eyes, a dipping of her brows that's unmistakable even if he doesn't understand what it means. "Shannon?"</p>
<p>"Yeah… She… She should b-be here, right?" he says, his eyes darting around the room as if she'll materialise out of thin air. And then it occurs to him, the most obvious of reasons why she isn't here. "I-Is she w-with Chris?"</p>
<p>His Abuela strokes his hand, drawing his attention back to her. "Cariño, do you know what happened? Do you know why you are here?"</p>
<p>He frowns like it's a stupid question, because there'd be after-action reports and if he's been out almost a week then his parents and his grandmother would have been provided the redacted version so that they didn't ask too many questions of the military.</p>
<p>"We w-were taking fire," he says slowly, piecing together the fragments of what he can recall. He shudders at the burst of staccato gunfire that echoes in his ear and sounds too loud and too close even though it has to be miles away if his Abuela is sitting by his bedside. "The helicopter crashed. We were hit by a- Wait. Mikey and Paul- I- W-Where's P-Paul? And I- W-What about R-Ralph?"</p>
<p>There are tears shimmering in his Abuela's eyes, her lips pressed together in a thin white line. It's a look he's seen before when the Commander reports on a patrol that hasn't made it back, a look he's seen before when friends realise friends won't see loved ones back home again. Her expression tells him the devastating news more than words could have, although if he thinks about the images that dance across his mind, he probably could have guessed the status of his team for himself. He can still see the twisted limbs of Mikey from the window, blood saturating his fatigues.</p>
<p>"I'll be right back, nieto," she says abruptly, kissing his cheek and running fingers through his hair before she leaves in a flurry. The door clicks behind her and he can't see through the closed blinds to the corridor to determine where she goes or who she talks to but at least five minutes tick by before she returns with a man in a white coat over his emerald green scrubs.</p>
<p>"Mr Diaz! How wonderful to see you're awake. I'm Doctor Teo," the man introduces as he pulls the clipboard free from the end of Eddie's bed. "Is it alright if we have a chat and I run some checks?"</p>
<p>He's hardly in a position to say no so he shrugs one shoulder and looks between the doctor and his grandmother. Abuela catches the look and excuses herself, says she'll be right outside to give him some privacy and talk to his parents when they return with their coffees. It's not until after she's gone that he realises he still doesn't know where Shannon is.</p>
<p>"So Eddie, let's start with the obvious. Can you tell me what year it is?"</p>
<p>He looks at the doctor like he's an idiot. "2015," he says flatly.</p>
<p>The doctor flashes him an apologetic smile, like he knows it's a stupid question, but he nods and makes a note on the chart in front of him. "And what brings you to the hospital?"</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>He glances towards the ECG beeping steadily on one side of him and the IV of fluids and medicines on the other. He knows the others in his team are gone. The look on Abuela's face had said as much. He's returned home as one of the lucky ones, even though he's not sure why he lived when the others didn't. "I g-guess my luck in Afghanistan finally ran out after an RPG hit us."</p>
<p>Teo nods so much he looks like one of those bobble heads on a dashboard. He scribbles some more details and Eddie wonders what it says, whether it's something he should ask his Abuela to read back to him later. "Do you know which hospital you're in?"</p>
<p>He shrugs and glances at the minimalistic decorations in the room. "I know my p-parents and Abuela are h-here but based on this? I could b-be back in El P-Paso or I could be in a f-field hospital in DC, for all I know."</p>
<p>"Yes, it is lacking in some decoration," Teo agrees, returning the chart to the end of Eddie's bed and moving towards his right side to assess the numbers on the ECG. It's hard for Eddie to look at the screen for too long, his vision still blurry, but it seems like the numbers are normal enough considering the circumstances. "Alright, Eddie. I'd like you to follow this light for me, alright?"</p>
<p>Teo withdraws a pen that, when twisted, emits a small glow, Eddie knows his eyes waver slightly as he follows it, the light affecting the pressure he already feels in his head that spells a forthcoming headache.</p>
<p>"Alright, excellent. Can you tell me if you're feeling any pain?" Teo asks, storing his pen in his pocket and then touching light fingers beneath Eddie's jaw and across his temples to apparently examine his head.</p>
<p>Eddie knows there's a dull ache across his torso but it's not until the doctor actually points out that he should focus on the pain for a moment that he notes the constant throbbing of his left leg.</p>
<p>"My s-stomach hurts," he says, wincing when Teo tilts his neck to the left. "Ribs. My leg." Saying the word makes a burst of panic spike his heartbeat, and the ECG gives a particularly loud and harsh beep of warning. "Do I still h-have my leg? <em>Both</em> legs?"</p>
<p>"Yes," Teo says calmly, gazing at him with certainty and confidence which soothes Eddie's anxiety and helps him relax into the thin hospital mattress again. "All fingers and toes are accounted for, Eddie. I promise. Tell me about the pain in your leg? How bad is it?"</p>
<p>"Uh… A f-four?" he guesses, staring down at where it's covered in a swathe of blankets. He can immediately tell his left leg is larger than his right, that the heaviness in his limb isn't just tiredness but a significant cast. "What… What's wrong with it?"</p>
<p>Teo's fingers shift to his shoulders, lightly examining his collarbones and then moving to his ribs where Eddie recoils several times when certain spots feel like he's being stabbed with a hot poker. He's embarrassed that he whimpers with pain and Teo apologises but continues the examination.</p>
<p>"Your leg is broken," Teo says, peeling the sheets and blanket down and loosening the gown that covers Eddie's chest. Eddie marvels at the blossom of colours across his flesh, the vivid reds drowned by the mottled purples. In a couple of places on his stomach, there are patches that look almost black. "Some broken ribs and internal bleeding as well, and you're going to be feeling that for quite a few more days. There was, uh- We're monitoring your lungs. How is your throat feeling?"</p>
<p>Eddie swallows and realises it's just as difficult as it always was. "Dry."</p>
<p>Teo nods, folding the gown closed and covering the blankets over him again. "I'd like to get a few other scans done to check how you're healing, but it's great to see you awake again. You were in pretty bad shape when you got here."</p>
<p>It's cold comfort when he feels like he's scrambling for information and he suspects the look on his face says as much.</p>
<p>Teo excuses himself and Eddie shifts against his pillows in an attempt to find a comfortable position with the broken ribs. He doesn't remember getting those but there's a lot he can barely remember. Maybe after the helicopter had crashed he'd been more injured than he thought, running on so much adrenaline that it had dulled the pain? And his leg… When had he broken it? Or maybe he'd been shot by the insurgents and taken out, left for dead?</p>
<p>He stares at the ceiling with a puzzled frown, circling his recollection of the attack for answers yet failing to recall that he must've been treated in the field or that he's been medevac'd home. There are so many gaps and he'll have to ask his parents or Abuela. Shannon would probably know too, although he suspects she'll just sit by his bedside and sob at how close she'd come to losing him.</p>
<p>He looks at his hands and then realises why something feels so strange. His left hand is empty of the ring. Even more strange, there's a string of words around his left arm that he gazes at, translating the Spanish automatically, but he can't remember getting the tattoo. And that's…strange, right? He should be able to remember that.</p>
<p>The door opens again and his eyes lift to Abuela and his parents. He tries for a reassuring smile but it wobbles when his mother bursts into tears and rushes over to fold him into an awkward hug.</p>
<p>"My baby, my baby," she sobs, holding onto his neck even as he tries to mumble a complaint that it's jostling his ribs and the bruises.</p>
<p>"Mama, I'm okay," he soothes, grasping her arm in the hopes she'll stop fussing over him. He supposes when he's the only survivor from his helicopter, she's allowed to be a bit broken up. He hasn't cried yet about the loss of his team. He assumes he's still processing because he still feels numb and raw and empty. "Te quiero, Mama. I'm okay."</p>
<p>She decorates his face in kisses and he feels like he's six years old again, freshly fallen out of a tree with scratches and grazes, and tries not to flush under the embarrassment. When she releases him, his father scoops up Eddie's hand and holds it.</p>
<p>"Me alegra que estés bien, mijo," he murmurs, his gaze steady on Eddie's, and Eddie squeezes his father's fingers and notes the additional lines around his eyes, the extra dusting of grey in his hair. He hadn't noticed during the Skype calls but clearly his deployments are aging his father faster than anyone is willing to acknowledge or tell him about.</p>
<p>He looks from his father, to his mother, to Abuela. The room still feels empty.</p>
<p>"So, w-where <em>is</em> Shannon?"</p>
<p>The twitch of his father's hand in his is unmistakable and his mother isn't as good at hiding her emotions as his Abuela. He immediately feels sick, his heart pounding in his chest and the ECG traitorously beeping extra loud. His fears about what she'd do every time he signed back up for another tour have finally come true.</p>
<p>"She- She left, d-didn't she?" he whispers, shutting his eyes as the pain washes through him like an ice bath that chills him all the way to his toes. She'd threatened it last time he was home, screaming at him to stay, insisting it was too hard to raise Christopher alone, sobbing that he couldn't keep risking his life in a war that was never going to end and expecting her to be there, waiting for his body to come home in a box.</p>
<p>He just...hadn't thought she'd actually go through with it.</p>
<p>"Nieto…"</p>
<p>Abuela's hand touches his foot through the blanket but he shakes his head, struggling to breathe around the heavy block of hurt and sadness and loss in his stomach. The ECG beeps louder, some sort of warning chime adding to the cacophony in his head. It betrays him in the worst way, exposes how he's falling apart on the inside even as he fights for control on the outside. So Shannon has left. He almost dies and she's finally decided she's had enough. No wonder he hadn't had any mail from her in more than two months. No wonder she'd kept being too busy for Skype calls longer than about three minutes to show him Christopher's pixelated face and wobbly wave and then she was gone again.</p>
<p>When a sob sticks in his throat and he tries to suck in a breath, pain explodes through his torso. He can't hide the weak cry of agony as he rips his hand from his father's to press against his side. He hears the door clatter, and the call of his mother's voice, but it's distant and hazy because he wants to cry about losing Shannon but he can't, and then he wants to cry about how much pain he's in but he can't do that either. Everything hurts too much, physically and mentally and emotionally, and he's splintering at the seams.</p>
<p>Doctor Teo bustles inside again.</p>
<p>"Eddie? Eddie, can you hear me?" Fingers at his jaw tilt his head towards the doctor and he wants to say <em>yes</em> but the pain piercing through him is so bad he can't catch his breath. "I know it hurts, Eddie, but I need you to try to steady your breathing for me. Can you open your eyes?"</p>
<p>The darkness makes sense when Teo says that and his eyes flutter and his vision seems to swirl in vague impressions and patterns. He can see a blonde woman in pale blue scrubs beside the doctor but then another shooting pain streaks down his spine and he clenches them shut, groaning again as he tries to twist away from the pain. Which just makes everything else hurt.</p>
<p>"C'mon, Eddie. Focus on me, focus on your breathing. We can't go for four but we can breathe for two or three. C'mon."</p>
<p>But even as he's coached through some breathing exercise, it's impossible to focus on anything but the excruciating pulse of his heart and the sparks that light up his head and the agony of knowing Shannon's left him and maybe he'll never see Christopher again, maybe he'll never get to see his son grow up, maybe he'll-</p>
<p>His arm gets tugged at a little roughly and something cold rushes through his veins and it briefly shocks him out of the pain before he returns to the choked sobs, curling his hand uselessly against air.</p>
<p>"We've given him some morphine for the pain which should take effect pretty quickly, and a mild sedative. Do you know if he's prone to anxiety?"</p>
<p>Teo's voice sounds like it's coming from the end of a long tube, far away and echoey, and he hears the buzz of his Abuela's voice responding but he can't make out the words through the blare of the alarms on the machines. It reminds him of something else, something he can't quite place, but he's too shaken and dizzy to try to place it.</p>
<p>It feels like it takes too long, and yet it doesn't take long at all, before everything starts to feel very slow and very hazy and very unreal. The beeping of the ECG sounds less like it's going to explode and his head lolls on his shoulders.</p>
<p>He manages to get his eyes open for a brief flicker around the room, the tension across his shoulders slipping into the mattress, and he watches through unfocused eyes as Teo smiles at him, cups his cheek. "Is that helping the pain, Eddie?" he asks but Eddie's tongue feels too large in his mouth to think about responding.</p>
<p>Past Teo's arm, he can see the door is open to the corridor. There's a blur of three figures in navy blue outside with blobs for features. There's a weird ripple of déjà vu, like he's looking at something or someone he should understand, but then it all fades away as the pain relief finally sweeps through him and drags him to a terrifying blackness.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Days pass where he drifts in and out of consciousness, lost in the pain and fading through dreams he can't hold onto when he's awake. He's rarely truly <em>alert </em>but there are a lot of doctors who visit him, doctors who ask him questions about what he remembers, where he is, how he ended up in the hospital, how he'd rate his pain. Sometimes he opens his eyes and the ceiling is moving and it takes him a minute to realise he's being wheeled somewhere for another test, but he doesn't remember if he got the results for the last scan. Sometimes he falls asleep in the machines, and sometimes the thumping and banging and clicking reverberates through his skull and takes him to another place where he startles awake, claws at the blankets, screeches to be let out.</p>
<p>When he's awake enough to ask, he searches his parents and Abuela's eyes for an explanation for the looks they keep exchanging that he doesn't understand. He asks where Shannon is, or where Chris is, or if his sisters will visit. There are silent conversations that swim over his head before his mother explains he's in a hospital in Los Angeles and his sisters are still in Texas. Her words distract him, leaving him searching for why he'd ended up evac'd to the other side of the country. A broken leg, broken ribs, bruising… All those things could be treated at any sort of base hospital and he could easily be treated in El Paso.</p>
<p>"Why am I in LA?" he asks, his brow wrinkled as he stares at her and she glances <em>again</em> at his father, clearly weighing her words and driving him crazy.</p>
<p>"You need your rest, darling," she murmurs, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles, carefully avoidant of the cannula in the back of his hand.</p>
<p>"What about the tattoo then? Why do I have that?" he tries, desperate to gain some sort of answer amidst all his uncertainty, but his mother hushes him, shifting from the hard plastic chair to the edge of his bed and smoothing fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>"Don't fret about that right now. You have broken bones that need to heal, okay?" she says and Eddie might be drugged to the eyeballs, and he might still feel pain, but her deflections prove he's right. Something else is going on and no one is telling him.</p>
<p>When he drifts to the surface again, his Abuela is reading beside the bed. He shifts his hand towards her, alerting her that he's awake but only just. He thinks he remembers flashing lights but he's not sure if it's a dream or a memory or he was taken for another scan that he wasn't alert enough to process.</p>
<p>"Abuela?" he says, his voice a sleepy mumble as she closes her book and looks at him.</p>
<p>"Si, nieto?" Her hand slides beneath his, her palm warm when he feels so cool all over and he holds onto it like somehow he can siphon some of the warmth.</p>
<p>"Is there… D'you know who the blond guy is that visits late at night?"</p>
<p>Her eyebrows furrow. "Blond guy?" she repeats, sounding as confused as he always feels.</p>
<p>He hums, lidded eyes flickering open for a moment to look at her, his free hand making a vague gesture towards the door. "He's tall. Blond. He- His face caught the light a couple nights ago and I think he has a fading black eye because there…there was like a bruise or something near his eye?"</p>
<p>"<em>Oh</em>," she exhales in surprise, a small quirk in her lips as she squeezes his hand. There's something quiet and calm about her smile but her eyes flicker with so many things Eddie doesn't understand but tries to pay attention to, even as his attention already drifts towards that place of sleeping again. The energy required to heal his battered body seems immense. "You- You've seen him?"</p>
<p>He hums again, thinking about the strange man that had been watching him from the doorway to his room. When he'd stirred because of a pain in his leg, he'd felt a flash of pure terror at being watched so closely by someone he didn't know. His mouth had opened to call for help, yet something about the guy watching him didn't seem like he was in danger. He'd closed his mouth and watched as the man had darted from the room when he realised Eddie was awake.</p>
<p>It wasn't the first time Eddie had woken to the stranger being nearby, either. He'd seen him in the corridor a week ago, gazing through the blinds, long after visiting hours had ended. Lingering in the doorway had been new, almost bold, and closer than he'd expected. It felt like it should be creepy, something that made his skin crawl, but mostly it was something else that confused him, that someone was hovering around but hadn't said anything.</p>
<p>Eddie hasn't seen him in a few days, but he's still thinking about him, still trying to work out who he is.</p>
<p>"You don't need to be afraid of him," Abuela says, lifting his hand and kissing his palm, drawing his eyes open for a brief moment as he hovers on the edge of sleep. "He is your guardian angel, Eddie."</p>
<p>Eddie doesn't understand her words but he tries to promise himself that the time he sees the guy, he'll ask him something before he flees.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Eddie wakes to the sound of quiet, hitched sobs and it takes him a minute to realise that the awful sounds filling the room are coming from <em>him</em>.</p>
<p>He opens his eyes to the darkened room, fingers twisting into the gown covering his chest, and searches the space until he spies the huddled shadow in the armchair in the corner. It's the middle of the night, or maybe it's in the early hours of the morning. Eddie's sleep patterns have become completely erratic, partially due to the medications to keep his pain to a minimum and allow his body to heal, partially because he can be awake for an hour or two and the next thing he knows, he's out like a light. But he knows this time it's incredibly late or extremely early because the light filtering through the window to the outside world is artificial and the sounds beyond his room are hushed in a way that they never are during the day.</p>
<p>"Hey," he whispers, swallowing when he hears the startled gasp, the sniff, the rustle of clothing that indicates the man is unfurling himself from the chair. He's not sure what to say but he latches on to the only thing he can think of. "Abuela… She said you're my guardian angel but…but angels aren't meant to cry, right?"</p>
<p>There's another sniff, a shaky exhale, a broken sort of laugh that tugs at Eddie's heart. "M-Maybe this one does."</p>
<p>He thinks it's an odd concept to consider, that an angel can cry. He knows there are all sorts of fountains where angels and cherubs cry but he feels like an <em>actual</em> angel shouldn't be so sad. It speaks of a pain that Eddie wishes he could take away.</p>
<p>"I- I should g-go. I didn't mean to-"</p>
<p>"Stay," he breathes without thinking, reaching a hand blindly in the dark when the man stretches out and stands. Panic rips through him because maybe talking means the guy won't come back again. It already seems like he's terrified to be there and even more terrified to be caught. Eddie doesn't want him to go. Eddie doesn't want to be alone. "Please, I- There's so much I don't understand."</p>
<p>And that, at least, seems to make the guy pause.</p>
<p>"Like what?" he says, something tight and wary in his tone.</p>
<p>Eddie's heart squeezes at all the questions that his parents and Abuela haven't answered lately despite his insistence, all the looks exchanged between doctors and his parents when they visit several times a day to ask him the same questions, all the scans he keeps being sent for and all the results that keep being concealed from him. He's not an idiot. There's something wrong with him when they keep shoving the top half of him into the machines despite the fact his leg was broken in multiple places (that, at least, he's seen the x-rays for). He's a medic and he knows there's something that everyone around him is deliberately avoiding and it's eating him up inside.</p>
<p>"I- I guess, I-" He scrunches his brow, struggling to sort through all the questions that flood him. He starts with the most obvious, because maybe this guy can't give him answers about Shannon or Chris. "Who are you?"</p>
<p>There's a huff that sounds like an attempt to cover up something else, some shuffling footsteps as the shadow gets closer. He can't see the guy's face in the limited light but Eddie doesn't feel afraid when the man sits on the edge of the bed, a light hand resting against the cast on his leg.</p>
<p>"What do <em>you</em> remember, Eds?"</p>
<p>And it's something the doctors keep asking him, every day. He's starting to suspect they're deliberately deflecting and it's driving him crazy because he wants to stand and yell at them, wants to go for a walk around the ward, wants to find a balcony where he can inhale fresh air rather than feeling so trapped inside his hospital room, trapped inside his own head.</p>
<p>It takes another minute before the soft use of a nickname filters through and there's a familiarity, a care in its use that he doesn't understand because he doesn't know the guy. He frowns into the darkness, struggling to remember if maybe this guy was someone who had hauled him out of the line of fire, if this guy had pulled him to safety and helped him get back to base, but the nickname is like he's meant to <em>know</em> this guy and he just…doesn't. There's nothing there other than an urge to hold onto him and plead for answers.</p>
<p>"We- I know we were in the helicopter when an RPG took us out," he explains, his voice emotionless because he's said this story so many times lately that he doesn't have any feelings left. "We came under…under fire and I- I know the other guys are gone. I know I'm the only one that…that made it." He swallows, his fingers curling towards his palm as he struggles with the confusion which swims through him all the time. "But I- I don't understand why I'm in LA. Wouldn't they just send me home to El Paso to recover?"</p>
<p>The guy sighs and Eddie can hear the way it fractures a little in the middle. Something tickles the back of his mind, something that informs him that the pain the other man is trying to conceal isn't being hidden very well. He's not sure how he knows that detail about a stranger but he does, tries brushing his hand for him in the dark to make a connection.</p>
<p>"P-Please, I- I just need answers."</p>
<p>"Eddie." There's a pause, a shift against the mattress. "It- It's not for me to tell you all of this."</p>
<p>Eddie shakes his head, the frustration clawing at him again, the urge to learn and understand and know forcing all the other questions past his lips. "You know though, don't you? You know what's going on? D'you know what my parents and Abuela aren't telling me? Do you know where Shannon is? Does she have Christopher? Is he safe? Are we divorced? What-"</p>
<p>"Eddie."</p>
<p>The voice is calm and firm and cuts through his tirade. The man scoots up the bed, fingers finding Eddie's hand in the darkness and folding around it like he's as delicate as glass. And Eddie… He's seized with feelings he doesn't understand when he knows he recognises the press of the hand, the callouses against his palm and fingers, the gentleness in the touch but he also realises it's completely foreign. It's the worst sort of feeling, the worst sort of déjà vu, and an unbidden tear slips down his cheek. If crying weren't so painful, he'd probably start.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, Eds," the man says, his voice softening and turning sad. Eddie recognises that voice. It's the same one his mother uses when she looks towards his father and makes a silent plea that he doesn't understand after Eddie's asked her a bunch of questions. It occurs to him that they're all in on it. Everyone. Everyone around him is hiding something from him and he can't stand it anymore. He can't stand feeling like he's losing his mind.</p>
<p>He rips his hand away and folds it into his chest, his heart thumping uncomfortably inconsistently against his palm. "Leave," he says, clenching his eyes when he realises he's going to cry. He needs the guy out of the room, needs him to leave and never come back until he's ready to provide some answers. "You're no better than anyone else. You're useless to me."</p>
<p>"Eddie-"</p>
<p>"I told you to get out." His voice wobbles and he hates it, hates that he's falling apart in front of someone he doesn't know but who clearly knows him and he doesn't understand, he doesn't understand, he doesn't <em>understand</em> any of this and he just needs to dissolve into the jagged pieces. "I'll call a nurse and they can call security and-"</p>
<p>"Okay, okay." The guy's weight leaves the bed and his feet scuff as he retreats to the door, another unsteady sigh filling the darkness. "I- For what it's worth, Eddie, I really am sorry you got hurt like this."</p>

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</div><p>Eddie gets a brief glimpse of his face when some of the muted light from the ward flashes across it when he opens the door. There's a devastating sort of pain carved into his expression, a look that Eddie's unfamiliar with, but even as he reclines into his bed and tries to stifle his sobs, he knows that he's seen that look before.</p>
<p>He just can't remember where.</p>
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<p> </p>

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    <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
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  <em>*...slinks off to go and hide in the bomb shelter for the foreseeable future...*</em>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,046<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>It occurs to him in the early hours of the morning after hours of staring at the ceiling and thinking about the mysterious stranger in his room. There've been two nurses who have checked in on him in the intervening time, taking his temperature and his blood pressure, and then disappearing again, and Eddie's been awake for the longest stretch of time since he woke in the hospital.</p><p>He's not sure why he hadn't realised it sooner. Maybe there are too many medications running through his bloodstream, clouding his judgement and his comprehension of his surroundings. Maybe there have been too many questions distracting him from his real concerns because his pain has been well-managed. Maybe there has been a real difficulty focusing on anything for long, his attention wandering frequently, and all he's left with are melancholic feelings of misery and confusion.</p><p>Once it does dawn on him, he's forced to wait until the doctor's rounds begin. It's a woman this time, one he thinks he saw a few days ago, or maybe a week ago. She's surrounded by a hoard of interns with notepads and pens as she runs through his broken leg, broken ribs, internal bleeding, and how he's healing so far, what his rehabilitation plan looks like to get back on his feet.</p><p>"What about the plan to get my memory back?" he says and she pauses, her eyes widening a fraction, and he knows he's right. He knows what everyone has been avoiding discussing in his presence.</p><p>"Everyone, take a break," she announces, shooing the interns out and shutting the door behind them. She returns to his chart, flicking through some of the documentation, before fixing him with a look that has a clarity he hasn't seen in anyone else. It's comforting, if not daunting, to realise he might finally get the answers he's craved.</p><p>"Does this mean you've remembered something?" she prompts.</p><p>"No." His throat tightens as his eyes drift to the ceiling, her words as much a confirmation that there's a whole new reality to face. It leaves him cold, and his shoulders shiver slightly. "It's just a- It's the sensible explanation for why I'm not wearing my wedding ring, or why I have a tattoo I don't remember getting, or why I can't remember why I'm in LA and none of my family seem affected by any of that," he says, laying out his theory and hoping she'll correct him, offer something concrete that soothes the anxiety that has kept him awake since the man left.</p><p>"That's a very sensible explanation," she agrees, pulling over one of the plastic chairs. She sits in it, folding her hands into her lap. "What would you like to know, Eddie?"</p><p>He starts with the obvious question now that he's putting the pieces together, the one that scares him the most. "What year is it?"</p><p>"2020," she says calmly, steadily, her eyes not wavering from his. It winds him even worse than the pain he'd felt from the broken ribs two weeks ago. <em>Five years?</em> He's lost <em>five years</em> of memories and his parents and grandmother have been keeping that from him? He feels sick as he wonders if Shannon really had left him like she'd threatened and she's moved away with Chris and in an entirely different state. They have to be divorced. Maybe she's married. She could have another kid with someone else by now. Chris must be nearing a double-digit birthday. And Eddie can't remember any of it.</p><p>"What happened?" he says, because clearly this wasn't an RPG attack in Afghanistan. Clearly everything in his brain is scrambled and he can't be trusted to remember anything reliably anymore.</p><p>"You were in an accident," she says and it's too vague to give him any real answers. "You suffered a significant head injury. A combination of a serious fall, blood loss and hypoxia. We- We suspected there would be some cognitive deficits if you woke up."</p><p><em>If</em> he woke up. It makes it sound like he'd surprised them all.</p><p>He swallows, the chill of anxiety swirling through his gut, tracing around his heart, leaving his hands trembling by his sides. <em>If</em> he woke up. And then he did, but he's lost five years of his life. He's not sure how to digest the information. It might just take him five years to process it.</p><p>The doctor touches a hand to his, cradling his palm in hers and offering him a sad smile. "I'll be honest, because I'm not sure anyone else has told you the truth about any of this. Recovery is going to be a long process and you might not get everything back, but we don't expect your loss of memory to be all-encompassing and permanent. Pieces will return to you, Eddie. You just have to give it time."</p><p>A tear spills down his cheek because she's preparing him for the worst. There's not much hope in her tone and now he understands the broken expression on his mother's face, the stoic silence of his father in the corner, the wobble in his Abuela's voice.</p><p>"How much time?" he whispers, afraid of the answer, and she shrugs, which doesn't help him at all.</p><p>"Everyone recovers differently," she says, folding her other hand carefully around his, providing the only spot of comfort when it feels like the world is crashing down around his head. "There'll be rehab for your leg, and we have excellent therapists to help you process what you remember and the frustration you will inevitably feel because it won't be enough."</p><p>His eyes return to the ceiling, pinpricks of pain as tears pool on his lower lashes before sliding free. She stays a little while longer, then apologises that she has to return to her rounds with the interns, says she'll send someone to visit him later.</p><p>Once she's gone, he presses the button for the nurse and he doesn't even look at her as he tells her he doesn't want any visitors for the day.</p><p>"Are you sure? Maybe if-"</p><p>"I don't want to be surrounded by <em>liars</em>," he snaps, and he knows he was too harsh and too bitter and he regrets it straight away when he looks over at her, with her wide eyes and parted lips. He deflates, eyes dropping towards his broken leg, anxiety rippling through him when he starts wondering what accident he endured. "Please? I- I just need a day without them. Maybe two."</p><p>She hesitates but nods, leaving his room and closing the door.</p><p>He can tell when his parents arrive a couple of hours later. He can hear the shrill sound of his mother's voice as she demands an explanation for why she can't see her son, and someone's low murmur that extinguishes her shouts. He's not sure what's said, or what happens beyond his room, but he's left undisturbed by his family and it hurts, and it adds to his fears, but he's not sure how he could face them.</p><p>He looks towards the window as fresh tears drip free.</p><p>It occurs to him that there's so much about his life that he doesn't know now and when he needs someone, <em>anyone</em>, he's not even sure who he's meant to call for help.</p><hr/><p>A new doctor stops by in the afternoon, dressed in slacks and a grey button-down and a white coat. So many white coats.</p><p>"I'm Angus, but you can call me Gus," he says, holding out his hand to Eddie and looking hopeful when Eddie drags his eyes from the window to stare at him. He doesn't make a move to lift his hand, doesn't even know if he can find the words to respond, so he just blinks. "I thought maybe we could have a chat about how you're feeling?"</p><p>It feels a little like the shutters have come down as the day has worn on, his emotions packaged up and shoved away, his thoughts blanketed by silence, his heart skipping with anxiety, his lungs catching with the realisation that there's almost two thousand days of his life that are just <em>gone</em>.</p><p>He returns his gaze to the window, too afraid to see the reaction in this new stranger's face. "Did the accident I was in kill my wife and son?" he says, tracing patterns through the leaves of the tree outside his window that have danced in the breeze all day.</p><p>The plastic chair scrapes against the floor as Gus sits beside the bed. "Why do you think they're dead, Eddie?"</p><p>He swallows around the despair that has made his throat tight for weeks. "No one will answer where Shannon or Chris are. I- I just need to know. Are they dead? Was it my fault?"</p><p>There's a weighted pause and Eddie squeezes his eyes shut when he realises this doctor is calculating every answer too. "The accident wasn't your fault," he says eventually. "And honestly? I'm new to your case so I'm not sure about your wife and child, but I know they weren't with you when it happened."</p><p>It's an answer without an answer, information without substance. It's irritating, but maybe it's comforting. Maybe somewhere beyond these four walls, Shannon and Chris were living a happy life in another state, blissfully unaware that he'd forgotten almost their entire existence.</p><hr/><p>He spends three days staring out his window and Gus stops by every day, guiding his memories in new directions, searching through what he actually remembers rather than allowing Eddie to just spit out the same story over and over about Afghanistan. With Gus' gentle insistence, he tries to focus on the pieces that haven't made sense since he woke up. Like the blond guy, whose name hovers just beyond his grasp and who hasn't returned. And that trio in the corridor, whose faces sharpen occasionally so he can see one's a white guy, and one's an Asian guy, and one's a Black woman, and they're so familiar to him but he doesn't remember why. He can remember being dressed in navy clothes and soaked in water but he can't remember any defining features of the clothes when Gus asks him and he certainly doesn't understand why he's drenched to the bone. In the middle of a nightmare, he wakes with the imprint of a yellow shirt covered in pink flowers that's stained in blood on his retinas but he doesn't understand what it means.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>He has another memory of a grey shirt stained in blood and he doesn't know why he keeps remembering so many items of clothing soaked in blood but it freaks him out. When he tells Gus, the man just bobs his head in gentle encouraging motions and says that they're all good signs, that the memories aren't 'lost', they're just difficult to access.</p><p>The door opens for another early morning check of his blood pressure and temperature and his eyes drift towards the nurse who has entered. She's the same one he snapped at about keeping his family out of the room and he still feels like he owes her a better apology than the one he gave her.</p><p>"Who are my emergency contacts?" he says in lieu of a greeting or an apology. They're the first words he's spoken to anyone who wasn't Gus in days and maybe it surprises her almost as much as it surprises him.</p><p>Her eyes are wide as she peels apart the Velcro on the blood pressure cuff. "I- I can check once I'm done with this?"</p><p>He nods and lets her fuss around him, checks the numbers when the machine is done inflating the cuff at his arm and beeps. Despite all his anxiety, the numbers are all within normal ranges and he suspects that even with a significant head injury, the hospital will be running out of reasons to keep him soon enough. He needs answers. He needs to know where he lives, who he might live with, how he gets around. He'll need to call his Abuela, and his parents, and he'll need to start letting them back into his life because he'll need them.</p><p>"I'll be right back," she assures once she's swiped his forehead to gauge his temperature and he mumbles a thank you, letting his attention wander back to the window.</p><p>There are fears buried in his soul he can't express to anyone, fears that maybe he's forgotten so many things that he won't be able to cook for himself, or he won't be able to get around wherever he lives because of his injuries, or he'll never be able to return to work. He knows enough about head injuries from the army to recognise that the longer the amnesia lasts, the less likely he is to be able to return to whatever job he had before this happened. He runs the risk of chronic headaches, and blurred vision, and dizziness, and poor decision-making. He'll be more prone to concussion and he'll require more therapy, more scans, more check-ups.</p><p>Gus had talked through some of his options, some of the ways that different therapies can help his brain heal and he can recover some of what he's lost, but Eddie had requested some of the scans of his brain yesterday. Gus had returned almost an hour later with an iPad to show him some of the CT and MRI results and Eddie had pointed at the blotches near his temporal and frontal lobes.</p><p>"Yes, that is what is driving the issues you're experiencing," Gus had confirmed and Eddie had examined the pictures with an abstract sort of interest until he realised he didn't care, that knowing what his brain looked like didn't get rid of the reality of the situation. The best he could hope for was that the blotches would shrink, that gradually he would get enough fragments back to continue living his life.</p><p>It was a cold and stark reality to be left alone with.</p><p>The nurse re-enters the room with a notepad, an uncertain smile on her face. "I found your emergency contacts. You have an Isabel Diaz, Bobby Nash and Evan Buckley listed."</p><p>He processes the information slowly, unsurprised that his Abuela is listed if he's living in Los Angeles. But the other two names are attached to people he doesn't remember even though they nag at him, like he <em>should </em>remember, like they <em>matter</em>. It's exhausting to have so many pieces that don't fit together anymore.</p><p>He tests the names on his tongue, probably looking slightly ridiculous to the nurse, and decides <em>Bobby</em> sounds more familiar than <em>Evan</em>. Evan doesn't sit right, like a shirt that has wonky seams and has an askew button.</p><p>"Can- Can you call Bobby, please? Ask him to visit when he's next available?"</p><p>The nurse nods and leaves the room and Eddie doesn't know if it's the wrong decision or the right decision to reach out to someone. Maybe Bobby won't give him any answers either. Maybe Bobby will be just as coy. Maybe Bobby won't even be interested in visiting.</p><p>But, he tries to reason with himself, Bobby is an emergency contact for a reason and Eddie hopes that means Bobby will actually show up.</p><hr/><p>He's not exactly sure who he expects to arrive but he recognises the man immediately.</p><p>"You were in the corridor the day I woke up," he says when the tall white guy enters only a couple of hours after Eddie had requested he be called, dressed in jeans and a loose black button-down over a grey singlet. "You- You're Bobby?"</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>Bobby nods, pressing his lips together as he closes the door behind him and then slowly approaches the bed. "How are you, Eddie?"</p><p>It's a loaded question, one Eddie's not sure he knows how to answer, but he watches Bobby enter the room and sink into the plastic chair by the side of the bed and look at him with concern and compassion and something almost fond and he can feel himself start to crumble. It's been days since he's seen anyone other than medical staff, mostly because Eddie's demanded his family stay away, but Bobby, whoever he is, is someone that looks at him like he knows him and it breaks all the walls he's been trying to build.</p><p>"Afraid," he whispers, his eyes shifting from Bobby's to the ceiling as pain burns through them and his vision blurs with tears. "I- There's <em>so much</em> I don't remember, Bobby. I… I don't even know where to begin trying to- trying to remember and to- to breathe when it all gets to me."</p><p>"Hey." Bobby's hand grasps his, something low and soothing in the tone that pulls at him, pulls him away from the brink. "Take your time, Eddie. It's a wonder you even survived."</p><p>He blinks, a tear escaping that he can't be bothered wiping away. He returns his gaze to Bobby, loathe to reveal his vulnerability and yet needing someone who knows him, who cares about him, who maybe loves him, to hold him together for a little while. "I don't even remember <em>that</em>."</p><p>One corner of Bobby's mouth turns up, but it's laced with sadness. "Have you considered that might be for the best?"</p><p>Eddie shakes his head, even though it still leaves him dizzy, because he needs <em>answers</em>. "I know you can't tell me everything. I know that. My psychotherapist guy, Angus? He warned me that information everyone tells me means I'll start thinking I have my memories back but it…it'll be like false memories, that I won't try so hard to get all the pieces back." He hesitates, licks his bottom lip, glances at the hand covering his. "But I- I don't know who I am. I don't remember why I'm in LA. I don't know where Shannon or Chris are and I-" He swallows, the burning pain in his chest intense again for the first time in days as he tries to suppress his feelings. "Bobby, I- I don't know how I'm meant to handle that."</p><p>Bobby's hand squeezes against him. "What if I can get Christopher here to see you?"</p><p>Eddie's breath catches, his lips parting in surprise as he stares at this wonderfully mysterious man in front of him. "You- You can do that?"</p><p>Bobby's gaze is steady and certain, the smile turning more genuine and hopeful. It's more comforting than the uneasy expressions he's seen in his parents or Abuela, and it helps relax him because he realises that Bobby's words mean Chris is alive and it's the first time in almost three weeks that anyone has given him a hint that his son is okay. "I can do that, Eddie."</p><p>And Eddie thinks Bobby is the best person he could've called. "Thank you," he says, his voice cracking in the middle as Bobby's thumb rubs circles against the inside of his wrist, slow and soothing.</p><p>"I'm here to help you, no matter what, whatever length of time it takes," Bobby promises and Eddie clings to it for the lifeline he suspects it is. Tentatively, he starts sharing the fractured bits of his memory with Bobby and hopes the other man might provide some glue to hold them together in some semblance of a picture.</p><hr/><p>Eddie's graduated to being able to move from the bed to a chair and it's painful to sit up, painful to rest his ribs against a pillow in the plastic chair, but it feels <em>good </em>to have hobbled to the chair in the corner with a nurse's assistance. He almost feels like a person again, one that isn't just an invalid that can't move around, and though he's left to wait for what feels like a really long time, the change in view is also welcome. His fingers fidget with the thin cotton of the gown, and the heavy cast on his leg is propped on a stool in front of him, and the nurse had covered him in a warming blanket which helps reduce some of the chill that the fear of all this leaves him with but…it's hard to sit still, even when he's still varying shades of mottled red and green and smudges of purple across his chest.</p><p>When the door finally opens, his heart almost certainly stops. A tiny head of blond curls peers into the gap, red glasses enlarging hazel eyes that quickly scan the room.</p><p>"Daddy?"</p><p>The simple single word takes his breath away and a sob slips past his lips when the door opens further. He forces his fingers to stop moving, forces his undivided attention to the kid that wobbles into the room with his hands curled around his crutches. A woman he recognises but can't name helps Chris with a gentle hand between his shoulder blades and Eddie acts on instinct, shifting forward even though it hurts to hold out his arms to the boy when he's close enough to almost reach.</p><p>"<em>Mijo</em>," he whispers in awe, remembering how Bobby had warned him he mightn't recognise Chris. Yet he does, somehow, amid all the lost memories, know without a shadow of a doubt that this is his son and he loves him more than anything in the entire world. He has a feeling he could be deaf and blind and without his memories and he'd <em>still</em> be able to pick his son out of a room.</p><p>Christopher falls into his outstretched arms, crutches bumping at Eddie's chair, and he's not sure which of them is crying more when Eddie draws him forward. He folds his arms around his son, flinches at the clatter of crutches falling to the floor when Chris lets them go, but he ignores them to brush fingers through his hair, and map the bones of his ribcage and his spine, and examine the point of his elbows and his knobbly knees. He runs his hands over everything he can reach, committing everything he can to memory again and again and again, until he's sure he'll never forget who Chris is, until he's sure he'll remember Chris long after he's taken home and Eddie's left in his hospital room without him.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>"You've gotten so <em>big</em>," he breathes when he releases Chris just a little to start memorising his face, cupping Christopher's cheeks and gazing into his hazel eyes behind the frame of his glasses. He swipes his thumbs over the apple of Chris' cheeks, unwilling to ever wipe the toothy grin off his son's face, and marvels at his son. "You're so beautiful."</p><p>Chris giggles and it's the sweetest thing he's ever heard, and the way his eyes scrunch with joy is the sweetest thing he's ever seen. "I missed you, Dad."</p><p>He wraps his arms around his son again and wonders if he'll ever let him go. "I missed you too, mijo," he says, tucking his head into Christopher's shoulder and inhaling deeply, something familiar in the hints of vanilla and orange soap still lingering on his skin and the fabric of his red shirt. "I've missed you more than anything."</p><p>"And I love you," Chris says, his voice very serious as his fingers curl into the fabric of Eddie's gown.</p><p>And Eddie thinks he might never be able to stop crying as he kisses every part of Christopher's face and Chris giggles again, squirming slightly against the onslaught of love and affection. "Not as much as I love you, buddy. Not as much as I'll love you every day of your life."</p><p>He learns the woman's name in the midst of trying to lift Chris onto his good leg and he begs Carla to bring Chris to see him as many days as she can.</p><p>"I will, Eddie," she assures, not even bothering to conceal the stain of her own tears as she gazes at them from where she's seated at the end of Eddie's bed. "He's missed you so much."</p><p>Eddie cradles Chris against his chest and even though it hurts his ribs, even though Chris' hand is a little rough against the still-fading bruises, he feels a sort of peace that he didn't even know he could feel when his whole world has been in such turmoil. He keeps kissing Chris' hair, keeps skimming hands down his little body to commit his weight to memory, and never wants to let his son go.</p><hr/><p>He's holding Chris against him a few days later, Bobby sitting in a second plastic chair that got sourced from somewhere, when there's a hesitant knock on his door. He fears it's Gus, or maybe Teo, or maybe a nurse, or maybe someone wanting to take Chris away.</p><p>When he looks up, he freezes and feels the wash of guilt when he meets Abuela's eyes.</p><p>"Can I come in?"</p><p>Chris squirms at her voice, his face lighting up, and Bobby clears his throat. "Hey, Chris? How about we grab some juice and let your Dad talk with your Abuela for a moment?"</p><p>Eddie's arms tighten, unwilling to let Chris go when his son's presence has been such a balm to all the jagged edges of his soul, but he can't avoid his grandmother forever. He can't keep hating his family for following doctor's orders in the hopes they wouldn't accidentally give him details that led to false recollections.</p><p>"Dad?" Chris mumbles and Eddie forces himself to relax, to cup Chris' cheeks and stare into his eyes.</p><p>"I love you," he says, determined to say it so many times because he's terrified he didn't say it enough before the accident and he needs to make sure his son knows he's everything to Eddie.</p><p>Chris' nose wrinkles with the bright grin that spreads across his face. "I love you too."</p><p>Bobby tugs Chris into his arms, propping him on his hip and asking him something about some Lego kit thing that Eddie doesn't understand but doesn't care about as he settles his gaze back on Abuela. She fiddles with the strap of her handbag as she inches forward, the corner of her mouth twisted around words she's clearly not sure about saying.</p><p>"I am sorry we did not tell you, nieto," she says, her eyes darting towards him and then back to her hands again. "We were- We hoped it would be a short-term thing. That after you woke and could not remember, we would see you again in a few days and everything would return to normal."</p><p>A tear trails down his cheek because he's starting to feel like nothing will ever return to normal again. Gus has done his best to prepare Eddie for that, to remind him that it's a marathon not a sprint, but Eddie's not sure that's good enough anymore. He's not sure what he has to relearn and he's not sure what he'll be able to do in a week, a month, a year, a decade. He's never been good with uncertainty and no one can give him any.</p><p>"Your Mama and Papa… They would like to speak to you," Abuela continues and it's his turn to look away, to twist his fingers into the sheets that cover his lap. "They are willing to return to El Paso but your Mama- She loves you and Christopher very much."</p><p>"What about Sophia and Ana?" he murmurs, scratching at the cotton sheets. "Are they really in El Paso?"</p><p>"Adriana is still in Texas," Abuela confirms, placing her bag on the chair that Bobby had vacated and gradually moving closer to the bed like she's afraid Eddie will skitter away. It's ridiculous. The cast on his leg weighs a ton. He's slower than a sloth right now. "Sophia lives in Chicago for work. She is married."</p><p>He hates all these pieces about his family that he doesn't know, hates that he's forgotten his own sister's wedding too. He's not sure how he's meant to see his mother or father, not sure how he's meant to request that they help him with Chris or if he's meant to tell them to stay out of his life. Why had he moved from El Paso in the first place? Were his parents helpful or frustrating? He can't remember, and he wants to pull at his hair.</p><p>"I- I don't want to see them right now," he says eventually, rubbing a hand across his chest to diffuse some of the pain beneath his sternum. "But I- I'll call Mama when I get out of the hospital. I just- There's so much and I can't- I know she has to be…be grieving in her own way too and I can't take more…more sadness."</p><p>It's something Gus had said to him a couple of days ago when Eddie had opened up about how having Chris visit was helping him. He hadn't really gotten memories back, maybe bits and pieces of his kid smiling or spinning his kid in a park or watching his kid colour in a picture, but Chris soothed him, kept him grounded, was a comforting weight nestled into his side and was more than willing to lay quietly while Eddie's fingers twisted through his curls. But the thought of seeing his parents, of knowing how devastated his mother had to be by all his lost memories… It was a pill so bitter he could barely swallow it.</p><p>"Okay." Abuela nods, hesitating a moment before she settles her hand against his shin beneath the blankets. "I am here for you too, Eddie. I can help with Christopher, with your leg, when you are home again. This is not something you should do alone."</p><p>The door squeaks as it opens. Bobby returns with Chris, happily sucking on straw poked into a carton of apple juice.</p><p>"We found juice!" Chris announces as Bobby glances between them, settles Chris back against Eddie's side where he was before.</p><p>"I can see that," he murmurs, curving his arm around Chris and looking at his grandmother carefully and then looking at Bobby. There are so many decisions he has to make and he's at a loss when determining the array of options when he doesn't fucking know anything.</p><p>If it wasn't for Chris tucked into his side, he could almost hear the scream of frustration he wishes he could make.</p><hr/>
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      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Eddie getting to hug Chris again... There's just a twig in my eye... Maybe a tree... I'm okay... Promise...</p><p>If you wanna yell at me because I made you teary, you can do so below or find me on my <a href="https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,738<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>He gets discharged a few days later and he should be relieved that after more than three weeks, he gets to see and hear and smell the outside world again. He's not a fan of the crutches because they place a strain on his ribs but Chris handles his crutches like a champ and squeals when he first sees Eddie cautiously moving around the ward to prove he can be discharged.</p><p>"Daddy, we match!" Chris declares and even though Eddie feels like there are irritated storm clouds brewing, he can't possibly stay mad when the grin Chris gives him makes everything seem worthwhile again. Besides, his crutches are only temporary so he feels like he can't complain in the vicinity of his son. They're something to help him when he can't walk with the cast and then to keep the weight off for a while longer after the cast is removed and his leg continues to heal. The pins and rods inside it highlighted the mess he must've arrived in and he's been too afraid to ask if anyone had considered simply cutting his leg off.</p><p>Carla's hands are gentle as she helps him out of the wheelchair to hobble the few steps to Bobby's waiting car. Chris clatters and chatters around him, unaware that he's keeping Eddie's temper at bay, and once he's finally settled in the backseat and Bobby's helped strap Chris in beside him, he weaves his fingers through his son's and tries to breathe through the dull ache throbbing through his leg, his arms, his ribs, his skull.</p><p>"Grammy and Grandpa went back to Texas yesterday," Chris tells him while Bobby and Carla settle in the front seat, and Eddie's eyebrow arches at his son. "Abuela and Tia and I took them to the airport. Grammy told me to say she loves you very much."</p><p>Eddie looks away from his kid to focus on not dissolving into tears, focusing on something, <em>anything</em>, outside the window at the guilt that surges through him. He still feels so hurt, and scared, and angry. Knowing that he's meant to have this cast on until after Halloween, which is still more than a month away, means he has a long time of being stuck at home with only a handful of people he knew he could call on.</p><p>Carla engages Chris in some sort of mindless conversation about school and Eddie drifts in and out of paying attention, his ability to concentrate for long periods of time shot to pieces. Gus had said it would get better but Gus had said a lot would get better and it's been a week and a half of seeing Gus every day and, honestly, Eddie's not sure much of anything has gotten better.</p><p>"Hey, Bobby?" he says suddenly, interrupting some comment Carla had been making. Bobby shifts in his seat at the red light, peering over his shoulder, and Eddie's confronted with an image that he's seen this before. He's seen Bobby look over his shoulder from the front seat of a vehicle. He's seen Bobby look at him with curiosity and concern. For a moment, he forgets what he'd been about to ask because the spiral of his thoughts pulls him a thousand other directions. Then he blinks a little harder and remembers he'd had something he wanted to say. "I- My other emergency contact- They- Do- Do you know who Evan Buckley is?"</p><p>There's an unnatural stillness between Bobby and Carla, a look shared between them that mimics the looks that had been passed between his mother and father before he knew everything he'd forgotten. It's ultimately Chris, tugging at his hand rather insistently, that gets his attention. "That's <em>Buck</em>, silly," his son says with a grin, that then slowly droops. "He doesn't talk much to us anymore."</p><p>"Oh." The light turns green and Bobby starts driving again when the car behind them blares the horn. Eddie flinches at the loud noise that ricochets through his head and distracts him for almost a minute. "Is he- Why- Why is that?" One of his emergency contacts is someone they don't talk to anymore? That doesn't make much sense.</p><p>"None of us really know," Bobby says from the front seat, changing lanes and glancing in the rear-view mirror for a second to meet Eddie's eyes. "He worked with all of us, but uh… Then he changed his shifts, and then he changed his house, and he doesn't come around much."</p><p>"He changed his <em>house</em>?"</p><p>"Transferred," Bobby clarifies and it's still not an explanation but Eddie accepts it for what it is. "He doesn't really talk to most of us anymore. The last time I saw him was the Fourth of July barbecue."</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>He frowns and calculates that must've been nearly three months ago. He wonders if this whole not-speaking thing had gone on for longer than that though and he watches several streets pass, trying to gain some semblance of his bearings or trying to make sense of the bits of information that everyone is still so reluctant to share with him for fear of giving him false hope that he remembers something important. "Is he- Does- Does he have a…a mark near his eye?"</p><p>"It's his birthmark," Chris chirps and that… Okay. So that at least gives a name to the stranger who had been in his room in those early weeks, who his Abuela had called his guardian angel. It didn't give a reason to <em>why</em> this Buck guy was his guardian angel, <em>especially</em> if they weren't talking much anymore, but… at least he has a name for the man now. Ever since he'd told Buck to leave, he hadn't seen him again. He'd felt awful for the way he'd reacted when Buck had obviously been in such pain before Eddie woke up. Maybe he could get in touch with Buck to apologise.</p><p>He falls back into silently reminiscing in a search for pieces he doesn't remember and when he arrives home, he struggles inside his house with Bobby's hand on his back. He's not overcome by any earth-shattering memories as he gazes around the walls but there's a familiarity that is comforting, a smell that he knows is <em>home</em> even if it's a bit musty and he guesses Chris has stayed with Abuela for most of the time he's been in hospital. He moves down the corridor and knows which door is his room and which is Christopher's and what side of the kitchen his fridge is on even though he can't explain why he knows it. Sometimes, that's been the most frustrating part of the amnesia. There are so many big parts he simply <em>knows</em> yet all these fine details that he desperately needs but can't recall.</p><p>Once he eases onto the couch, Carla fusses around him to ensure his leg is propped and Chris snuggles into his side like he has every intention of staying there for the rest of his life. Bobby disappears but Eddie can hear the clatter of pots and pans in the kitchen, the sizzle of food and the scent of onions and meat.</p><p>He noses at Chris' hair, relieved to be home even if his leg is aching and his ribs burn, and trying to ignore how obvious it is that this is a home that doesn't include any trace of Shannon. Wherever she is, she doesn't live with them. He still hasn't been told anything about her and he'd stopped asking once he realised the extent of his lost memories. He felt an uneasy foreboding, a knowledge that he didn't really want to know the answer.</p><p>"Hey Bobby?" Three pairs of eyes swivel towards him as he pokes at the first real meal he's had in weeks. It's delicious, and it's clear Bobby cares, and that he knows how to cook, but Eddie doesn't have much of an appetite because there's too much still noise cluttering up his head. "Can- Can you let, um, Buck know that…that I'm sorry? For what I said?"</p><p>Bobby eyebrows rise, like perhaps he's waiting for more information, or some clarification about the gravity of Eddie's words. When it's not forthcoming, when Eddie has no intention of elaborating because he's not even sure if Bobby can get in touch with Buck, Bobby eventually nods and Eddie resumes prodding at the food.</p><p>"You need to eat, Dad," Chris encourages and he smiles tiredly, rubs a hand to the back of Chris' neck.</p><p>"You too, mijo," he murmurs and tries to pretend like everything about this situation is normal.</p><hr/><p>He's been home a couple of days when he notices the bag on the floor at the end of his bed. He lifts it carefully and starts rummaging inside, shifting through layers of fabric and random items like deodorant and a toothbrush, before he tries a side pocket. Shoved inside is his wallet, which is a relief – at least he now had his address if he got lost – and his phone. Or, at least, he assumes it's his phone.</p><p>The battery is well and truly dead and he has to ask Chris for help locating a charging cord because he has no idea what it looks like. Chris thinks it's hilarious that he can't even remember his phone and Eddie's smile is tight as he taps his fingers and waits for enough charge to hit the battery so that the device will respond.</p><p>When the phone lights up, it buzzes with a flurry of texts – most with hearts and 'get well soon' messages from various family members and names he doesn't recognise – but there's one that sticks out because it's from an unknown number and it came through yesterday, so it's at the top of the screen. He taps it and growls when his phone says he needs a passcode to unlock it.</p><p>"<em>Chris</em>!"</p><p>His son's crutches click in the hallway as he approaches the kitchen table. "Dad?"</p><p>"What's my passcode?"</p><p>Chris snorts. "My birthday."</p><p>Eddie blinks at him. "That's- Okay, I can remember that."</p><p>Chris grins and turns, clicking back to his room to continue his homework.</p><p>Eddie types in the numbers and he's relieved when his phone opens, when the message he'd wanted to read is bigger. He looks closer, reading and re-reading the simple message several times:</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Unknown:<em> which time r u sorry 4?</em></p>
</blockquote><p>He recognises the words even if his phone doesn't recognise the number and he hesitates, remembering how Bobby had said Buck doesn't talk much to anyone anymore for reasons no one knows. Maybe the reason is related to him. Maybe he's got a million times he needs to apologise for. Maybe the relationship he'd had with Buck before, the one that meant he was one of Eddie's emergency contacts, is ruined forever.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>every time i've hurt u<br/>i'm sorry for all of them</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He sends the messages before he can doubt himself and they sit on the screen, taunting him.</p><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>He's not sure if he expected a response but it's the best he can do for now.</p><p>And then he starts the painstaking task of reading and replying to the litany of other messages, making notes on a piece of paper he snags from the kitchen counter of all the names he doesn't recognise.</p><hr/><p>He startles awake from a nightmare that feels too real and too rough around the edges, drawing ragged breaths through his raw throat and scratching the fabric of his t-shirt across his chest. He can remember the terror flashing through him, the crushing darkness, the too-loud screech that still echoes in the silence of his room, and he realises a moment later that his cheeks are damp. He rubs at his face, tugs at his hair, and struggles to free himself from the sheets and blankets. It's tough when it's so dark and he struggles with the crutches, but he has to move so he can dispel all the awful feelings spilling through him, so he can escape a place that only offers fear rather than relief.</p><p>He heats a mug of water to make some tea when his phone buzzes and he frowns at the screen, at the fact it says <em>2:28</em>, and then reads the message flashed across the screen attached to a contact he'd saved as Buck.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>does that mean u remember?</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He sighs, reaches for the cupboard that he knows has the teabags even though he can't explain how he knows that, and taps a response while he dunks the teabag in the mug.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>No<br/>but i was unnecessarily harsh in the hospital<br/>and i'm sorry</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>The reply doesn't take as long as this time.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>ur awake?</em>
    <br/>
    <em>y the hell r u awake?</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He almost smiles until he remembers the nightmare and shudders, sipping from the tea as he leans against the counter because trying to hobble <em>with</em> the tea is a recipe for sending scalding water all over his skin.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>couldnt sleep<br/>y r u awake?</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>work</em>
    <br/>
    <em>only a few hrs to go</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He's not sure what 'a few hours' means nor does he understand what line of work means Buck is awake in the small hours, but he remembers Bobby saying they'd all worked together so he guesses something that involves shifts. He sips his tea, searching for some way to keep the conversation going without trying to be too forward or presumptive. He's texting a guy he must know incredibly well and yet at the same time has no memory of. He's clearly been important in the past and the way Chris glows when Buck is mentioned means he must have mattered. But there's something going on, something that not even Bobby truly knows about, which drove them all apart. He's scared it was him that caused it. He's scared he might have hurt a whole bunch of people with some stupid action in the past that he might never remember.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>do u want to come over sometime?<br/>hang out?<br/>Chris goes 2 school and sometimes carla's here but most of the time it's just me</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>There's no immediate response this time. In fact, after ten minutes, he doesn't get any sort of response and he wonders if Buck has put his phone away and is ignoring him, or if something came up at work.</p><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>He finishes his tea and the warm liquid has at least soothed his frayed nerves enough that he dares to hobble back to bed. He folds into the pillows and blankets, shifting until his broken body is at least reasonably comfortable, and bites his lip. It feels like he's going to do something that's incredibly private, like something that's illicit and <em>wrong</em> and it's ridiculous to feel that way because it involves <em>him</em>, for God's sake.</p><p>He scrolls past all the messages from family and presumed friends, searching for a message thread with Buck's name on it. It's buried on his phone, and when he clicks onto it finds there are undelivered messages dated in <em>March</em>. That's…a really long time to not have spoken to an emergency contact. And then, heart in his mouth, he starts scrolling back to read through a friendship he doesn't remember.</p><p>The sun is sending shards of gold through his curtains and his eyes itch and he's still nowhere near done but his texts with Buck… They're playful and friendly, and at times he'd almost venture to say they're <em>flirtatious</em>. They've traded memes and photos, and there are plenty of plans made for coffee or lunch or dinners, sometimes when Eddie says Chris will be there and sometimes when Eddie says he can be without Chris for the night. There's a patch later in the year with silence, almost three weeks of nothing, and he doesn't even realise until he notices the change in tone in the messages which had felt abrupt until he'd checked the dates. There's a significant amount of worry from Eddie, and a certain degree of ambivalence or distance from Buck, and then he hits late April and his heart just about stops.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>im so sorry abt Shannon, Eds<br/>if u need me for anything, *anything*, im always here for you<br/>ive got your back<br/>always</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He discards the phone and buries his face in a pillow when the sobs overtake him. He'd had a feeling about Shannon, something deep and nagging and terrifying, and he knows he can't be certain from the abstract words of Buck's texts, but it fills him with some sort of conviction that he's right, that she's gone, and she has been for a while.</p><p>And Buck… The tone of those texts is completely at odds with the texts during the subsequent months. A lot had happened last year, and it's clear from the message chain that Buck had meant an awful lot to him. They'd shared a lot of time and memories and thoughts with each other, a lot of photos and laughs and food.</p><p>So maybe something messy happened last year between them, or maybe something even messier happened this year which led to the undelivered texts and then the radio silence.</p><p>It's easy to convince himself that it <em>is</em> something to do with him.</p><hr/><p>Eddie hadn't realised that being released to his home could be just as infuriatingly boring as being stuck in the hospital room, but he's reconsidered everything he knew and thought he knew in the past few days. Abuela had visited yesterday, reminding him gently that he still hadn't called his mother, and Carla had visited with several Tupperware containers of food, but he's been restless and wishing he was less injured so he could paint the walls, or change the furniture, or reorganise everything around him.</p><p>By the time he's put Christopher to bed and rehearsing some of the words he might say to his mother over the phone, his attention wanders away from whatever is playing quietly on the television and is maybe why he startles so badly when his phone buzzes on the cushions beside him.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>is it 2 l8 to come ovr?</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He chews the inside of his cheek and checks the time. It's after ten but he's not tired. There are too many things in his head, too many fragments of memories that lurk on the edge of his recollection now that he's read through as many of the messages with Buck as he can bear to read. He's remembered a whole lot of water and he'd noticed some of Christopher's drawings pinned to a corkboard a couple of nights ago. He'd hesitated before asking about them, which was how he'd learned about the tsunami.</p><p>Chris' eyes had been huge behind his glasses, blinking back tears, and Eddie had manoeuvred as best as he could onto the bed to be able to hold Chris against his side. It answered some questions and created many more and only some of them could be answered by Googling the tsunami disaster that had engulfed Los Angeles over a year ago. How had Chris been caught in a tsunami? Why had he been there? Who had saved him?</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>no<br/>im awake</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>There's a knock at his front door fifteen minutes later and it surprises him that Buck arrives so quickly. It leaves him with more questions that he probably won't ask as he limps to the door with his crutches.</p><p>He's not sure whose eyes skip over the other for longer once he gets the lock open, and then it's like they both realise the other is staring and mutually decide to look anywhere else.</p><p>Which is…awkward.</p><p>"Fair warning, rehab's gonna suck," Buck says, his voice deceptively light, and Eddie inches out of the way, moving carefully backwards to allow Buck entry to the house as his eyebrows rise.</p><p>"Yeah? Broken a leg before?"</p><p>The amused look on Buck's face slides into despondency and Eddie knows he said something he wishes he could take back. He wants to press forward, wants to wrap his hands around Buck's shoulders and plead for forgiveness, but he feels stuck to the spot.</p><p>"Something like that," Buck whispers, glancing into the hallway and rocking from his heels to the balls of his feet a few times. "Can we…um… I- I should probably just...uh...stay outside."</p><p>Eddie's eyebrows fall as he looks at the wicker chair on his porch. It's probably not great for his leg when he's meant to keep it raised but if Buck doesn't want to come in…</p><p>"Sure," he says, shuffling another few steps and carefully lowering himself to the seat. He rubs at his chest, at the ribs that continue to ache, before realising Buck's still standing and rocking back and forth on the spot. "Buck?"</p><p>Buck twitches at the sound of his name and Eddie's unable to keep the frown from falling over his face. He was guessing that was how he addressed Buck because of the way they'd interacted via text messages last year but maybe in person he used Evan?</p><p>"I really am sorry," he says, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth as he observes the anxiety that's clearly rattling through Buck's limbs even though he suspects Buck thinks he's doing a great job of hiding it. "I think- I feel like I've hurt you this year, or maybe it was last year. I might not remember all of it right now but if I haven't apologised to you then…then please know that who I am now is very sorry for whatever stupid thing I did before."</p><p>Buck huffs, shoving his hands into his pockets even though Eddie already knows they're trembling. "I was the stupid one," he mumbles, staring at Eddie's door. Eddie's not sure if it's just a trick of the light that Buck looks so pale. "I should've known better."</p><p>He opens his mouth, closes it, searches for the right sort of words to say amid the mess in his head. "Will… Will you tell me what happened?"</p><p>Buck's eyes snap towards him, a strangled sound getting stuck in his throat. "No." He shakes his head so violently Eddie almost worries it'll break off. "No, I- I shouldn't even be here. I-"</p><p>"Hey." Eddie shuffles along the chair so he can get closer to Buck, close enough that he can tap him with one of his crutches like Chris often does when he realises Eddie's staring at something no one else can see. "You can… You can tell me anything, you know. I've got your back."</p><p>Buck looks at him with so many emotions and all of them look like he's a second away from breaking into tears. It pokes at other memories, other times that he knows he's seen Buck distraught even though he's lacking the context for what caused the expression on his face. Buck's lower lip wobbles, his eyes look particularly shiny, and then he ducks his head to shield his face in shadows.</p><p>"Fuck, I've missed you so much," Buck says, as quietly as breathing, and maybe Eddie would have missed it if he hadn't been so acutely focused on every element of Buck that he was carefully cataloguing and trying to process against some sort of broken processing machine. Buck sniffs, wipes a hasty hand over his face, and inhales a rattling sort of breath. "Why couldn't you sleep the other night?"</p><p>The way Buck simultaneously seems to unravel and then clamp down on his emotions is like no one else Eddie can ever remember talking to, which is significant considering his time in the army. From their text conversations, Eddie doesn't think it's always been like that. He <em>knows</em> Buck used to confide in him. He <em>knows</em> Buck used to share what was bothering him.</p><p>"Had a nightmare," he says, looking at his hands in his lap. They curl into fists as he breathes in and then releases it slowly, searching past the glimmers and the darkness to speak what's nagged at him for days. "Shannon… Shannon's dead, isn't she? A- A car accident?"</p><p>Buck clears his throat in evident surprise. "You- You remembered that?"</p><p>He closes his eyes and lowers his head into his hands as the nightmare he'd hoped had just been a bad dream turns into a fragment of memory he could really do without. He doesn't even realise he's sobbing until a hand presses against his back, drawing him into a hug. His arms slide under Buck's arms, fingers fisting into the fabric of Buck's shirt, and he attempts to stifle some of his crying by burying his face in Buck's neck.</p><p>Buck's arms stay firm around his shoulders, one hand cradling the back of his neck and the other rubbing soothing circles into the wings of his shoulder blades. As he cries, he remembers other meaningless fragments of crying – crying in his bed, on the couch, holding Christopher, holding onto someone else - but this crying, crying for his wife almost eighteen months after she died, crying for her because he thought it was a nightmare rather than a memory of her death, feels more raw and visceral than the other times because he can't get a handle on it, he can't find his way out of everything splintering inside him at the thought that she's gone and he<em> doesn't remember</em>. When had he last seen her? What had their last conversation been about? Were they together at the time? Separated? Divorced?</p><p>"Eddie? Eddie, hey, c'mon." Buck peels his face away from the pale column of his neck, cradles his cheek and wipes at the tears staining his face. Buck's eyes might be shadowed in the dim light of his porch but Eddie thinks they shimmer with tears too. "C'mon, man. Breathe in with me and out with me, yeah? Let's not have an anxiety attack, okay?"</p><p>It seems wise and he listens to Buck, listens to him encouraging a regular breathing pattern, feels the steady hand smoothing a circle into his chest, gazes into the blue eyes until some of the waves of hysteria, some of the desperation spilling through him, begins to dry up.</p><p>His hands loosen a little, fingers sliding over Buck's sides to snag at his waist. He feels the muscles under Buck's skin tense and Eddie freezes, unsure what he did that contributed to such a reaction. "S-Sorry."</p><p>Buck shakes his head, his touch falling away from Eddie and moving out of his grasp before he can react. "I- I should- I-"</p><p>Eddie can't stand, can't grab Buck, and he wants to smack his head into a wall at how quickly loneliness and loss sweeps through him. He stares at Buck's anxious withdrawal, desperate to claw his way back to that place where he'd felt safe for a few heartbeats.</p><p>"Buck..." His hands shake as he struggles with the exhaustion from the breakdown, realising there's something he should've asked earlier. "Buck, why- Why did you ask to come over?"</p><p>Buck glances at him, his head bowed and arms folding over his chest. "This- I- I was- I saw my sister and I- I just- I should g-go home and-"</p><p>"Buck?"</p><p>Buck shakes his head again, something shuttering in his eyes, and Eddie attempts to get to his feet, wavering on the crutches because he still hasn't figured out how to balance properly.</p><p>"<em>Evan</em>?" he tries instead, a plea in his tone, and Buck looks at him with fear and pain.</p><p>"I can't do this," Buck mutters and then he's gone, fleeing down the stairs and closing himself inside his car. Eddie watches the Jeep reverse out of his driveway and speed down the street and all Eddie can do is slump into the curve of his crutches.</p><p>It's a slow journey through the hallway back to his room. He peels his shirt over his head to examine the fading bruises and then nestles among the pillows, his eyes struggling to close when his brain is racing.</p><p>He's not sure he gets much sleep that night. He doesn't know what Buck used to be like but he knows enough about people to know he's not okay, that he had come over for a reason and that he desperately needs someone to look out for him.</p><p>He's not sure who else knows it.</p><p>Worse, he's not sure if anyone will listen to him if he tries to explain how he has an inexplicable feeling about someone he doesn't remember knowing.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I mean you all keep saying you wanna see Eddie and Buck like you don't know how much that'll just cause pain........</p><p> </p><p>  <em>.....*slinks off into the shadows*.....</em></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,291<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>His restless sleep and constant return to thinking about Buck is his excuse for why he doesn't call his mother until the middle of the morning. It's Chris who reminds him when he's foraging for something for lunch.</p>
<p>"Abuela brought food over yesterday, Dad."</p>
<p>Eddie blinks, every time he realises he's forgotten something else stressing him out that his amnesia is getting worse. "Oh yeah…" He digs the container out of the freezer and bites his bottom lip when he recalls what he'd promised his grandmother yesterday.</p>
<p>"I… Uh… I'm just going to sit outside for a bit and call your Grammy," he says, leaving Chris in front of the cartoons and hobbling to the patio. He sits on the chair for a long few minutes, gazing at his phone, trying to work up the courage, trying to remember everything he wants to say, but he knows it will probably be pointless. His mother will say something and derail all his thoughts. So before he can second-guess himself further, before he can talk himself out of calling, he swipes his fingers over the phone.</p>
<p>It rings once, twice, three times, and then it clicks with a connection.</p>
<p>"Eddie?"</p>
<p>His breath catches and his eyes close because he feels like a little boy on the verge of being scolded again. "Hey, Mama."</p>
<p>"Oh Eddie," she breathes, her voice choked with the same emotions that probably strangle his throat. "I've missed you, baby. How are you?"</p>
<p>"I- I still don't remember everything," he admits, scratching at a thread on his jeans. "I'm- I'm sorry I stopped you from seeing me and that I said go home."</p>
<p>"Honey, no," Helena murmurs, and he can imagine her running her fingers through his hair, stealing away his fears. "You were hurt. I'm sorry too. The doctors-"</p>
<p>"I know. Abuela told me."</p>
<p>"Of course." She pauses, and he gnaws at his bottom lip. "Eddie, you know we're all here for you. If you need us to come there and help you, or if you want to move back home to El Paso-"</p>
<p>He struggles under the weight of all the emotions that flood him, the irritation at her presumptive tone. "I don't know where home is anymore, Mom," he says, casting his eyes around the backyard and not knowing whether it matters to him anymore but knowing that El Paso doesn't fill him with warmth and hope either. "I want to stay here. At least for now. It's- There are people I matter to here and maybe I'll remember more about my life being surrounded by them."</p>
<p>She sighs. "Eddie…"</p>
<p>"Please, Mom. You can't ask me to leave everything behind."</p>
<p>"You don't even <em>remember</em> it, baby."</p>
<p>He flinches and she must hear his inhalation because she rushes to apologise but it's too late. The damage is done, the barb has been embedded, and it stings.</p>
<p>"I'll let you know if I remember it," he mumbles, and she's halfway through another apology when he ends the call. Hurt makes his breathing ragged and he presses the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to hide the tears before they start.</p>
<p>"Daddy?"</p>
<p>He twitches, trying to steady his breathing and his heart rate. "Yeah, bud?"</p>
<p>"Do you need a hug?"</p>
<p>He sniffles, shifting in his chair until he can see Chris hovering in the doorway. He wonders how long his son has silently been standing there, maybe hearing far too much of his conversation, maybe realising the relationship between him and his mother was still fraught. Abuela would be furious that they hadn't repaired things.</p>
<p>"A hug would be great." He shifts to his feet and limps back towards the house. "How about we put on a movie?"</p>
<p>Chris stares at him with wide eyes that Eddie suspects see too much. "Okay, Dad. I love you."</p>
<p>Eddie manages a brittle smile, running his fingers through the curls. "I love you too, kiddo."</p>
<hr/>
<p>He tries to ask Carla about Buck when she's there a couple of days later to help Chris get ready for school but she deflects his questions more masterfully than he would have given her credit.</p>
<p>"Buck doesn't talk much to me either," she says, packing Chris' lunch into his backpack and adjusting the weight distribution of his many books. "He's moved on, Eddie. We have to let him be happier with his new partner."</p>
<p>He tilts his head at her, lips pressed together as he processes all the information alongside all the bits of memory. "He's dating someone?"</p>
<p>"For most of the year," she confirms, zipping the bag closed and placing it next to hers. "It's about time he was with someone who makes him happy, Eddie. He wanted space and we have to give it to him."</p>
<p>Eddie wants to rip out his hair and yell at her to see what he saw, because the Buck who showed up at his house at 10.30 at night isn't <em>happy</em> and something is <em>wrong</em>.</p>
<p>But Carla won't listen to him.</p>
<p>So he tries Bobby next, and then he's surprised that Bobby seems more receptive to his concerns.</p>
<p>"Why do you think something's wrong, Eddie?" Bobby asks as Eddie pushes the pasta around his plate.</p>
<p>"It's a...feeling," he says with a shrug, staring at Bobby across the table. "I know it sounds ridiculous-"</p>
<p>"It's not ridiculous." Bobby always seems so calm and receptive to everything he says. Mostly Eddie's just grateful not to have his worries be dismissed. "You have good instincts, Eddie. You always have."</p>
<p>He…has?</p>
<p>He works through all the pieces he's learned and the bits he's remembered as his attention wanders between the plate and Bobby, head tilting as he appraises the man in a new light. "Are you my boss?"</p>
<p>Bobby's lips twitch into a faint smile. "Eat your lunch, Eddie. I'll look into Buck, okay?"</p>
<p>And Eddie knows he's right, knows he has another piece of the endless puzzle, and twirls some more spaghetti onto his fork.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Gus shows up in the early afternoon when he's been helping Chris with his homework, surprised that his ability to calculate Math problems or make suggestions about his Science paper still seem to be valid. For all the things he can't remember, perhaps he can become an elementary school teacher.</p>
<p>Then he thinks about his difficulty concentrating on anything and realises he'd never be able to tolerate the behaviour of a roomful of children.</p>
<p>"Hi." He shuffles on the spot, jerking his head towards the corridor. "Come on through."</p>
<p>Gus follows him through the house and Chris waves at him, a smear of red marker across his face that Eddie can't even account for. He doesn't even remember when Chris had been using the markers.</p>
<p>"Hey, bud? Can you hang out in your room a little while so Gus and I can chat?" Eddie says, balancing on his crutches while he rubs his hand along the back of Chris' neck. Chris' eyes swivel from Eddie to Gus and back again.</p>
<p>"Okay…" Chris gathers his crutches and stares at Gus a moment longer. "Don't make my Dad cry."</p>
<p>Gus chuckles. "Not planning on it, Chris."</p>
<p>Chris seems satisfied and clatters away to his room while Eddie looks towards Gus again. "Do you want some coffee?"</p>
<p>"I'm good." Gus gestures towards the chairs so Eddie sits, accepting Gus' hands on his ankle and behind his knee to lift his leg onto another chair, relieving some of the pressure he's always feeling and why he's so desperate to get the cast off. "You've been home at least a week now. How are you, Eddie?"</p>
<p>He thinks about the phone call to his mother, his visit from Buck, his conversations with Carla and Bobby, his boredom being trapped inside his house with a busted leg and a bunch of fading bruises. He folds his hands onto the table in front of him, knowing Gus is there to help, knowing that's the whole point of this rehabilitation stuff.</p>
<p>"My mother suggested I return to El Paso," he says and that…hadn't been the way he'd intended to start any sort of conversation with Gus but there it is. The thing that's been pressing on his shoulders with the most weight over the last few days, apparently.</p>
<p>Gus tilts his head. "Oh?"</p>
<p>"She doesn't seem to understand that I want to stay in case it helps me remember because she figures I don't remember anyway." He rubs at a random spot on the timber table. "I hate being here. In this house, I mean. I feel like I can't leave and I feel like I'm useless and I'm not being a good enough father to Chris. I'm so-" He gestures vaguely, struggling for all the words like always once his emotions start to get the better of him. "Everything is such a mess, Gus. There's so much I don't remember about him and his life, and I-" He hesitates, his gaze darting towards where Chris should've gone to his room and he hopes like hell his kid is actually out of earshot. "Sometimes I think he'd be better off with my Abuela, or my parents. He… He deserves love, and stability, and people who know him. Not… Not me. Not whoever I am, or whoever I'm meant to be."</p>
<p>Gus props his head in his hand, keeping his gaze steady. There doesn't seem to be judgement in his eyes, which is…reassuring. Eddie knows if he'd said any of this to Abuela or Carla or Bobby, he probably would've gotten shouted into a corner. "What makes you think you don't love him and provide stability and know him, Eddie?"</p>
<p>It's…not the question he expected, not the question he'd prepared an answer for, and he feels something inside his chest tug his heart out of place. "I'm having nightmares," he says bluntly and one of Gus' eyebrows lifts. "They're- They have bits in them that are memories. I remember Shannon dying in front of me last year."</p>
<p>Something clouds Gus' expression at that, something pitying, and Eddie can tell the other man wants to open his mouth to apologise.</p>
<p>"And <em>my</em> <em>son</em>-" His voice is a little shrill and it breaks in the middle and he tries to quieten his tone, needs to make sure Chris doesn't hear all of this and come out and smack Gus in the shin for upsetting him. "My son was in the middle of that tsunami last year. He was traumatised by it. And I- I researched it. I know what happened. I know how many people were swept away. But I- I don't know where I was in all of it. I don't know where <em>he</em> was in all of it. He wouldn't tell me. And I'm-" He scrapes a hand through his hair, tugging at the ends and turning his gaze back on Gus, circling back to whatever point he'd been trying to make all along. "I don't know him, Gus. He's been through something terrible that I don't remember and he- he deserves better than…than <em>me</em>."</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>Some of the tears he'd been desperately trying to fight brim to the surface as his control falters, as he acknowledges the parts he remembers and the parts he's afraid of remembering. There's <em>five years</em> of information he doesn't know about all the people around him and most of the time, he's still trying to grasp that the person in the mirror is really him.</p>
<p>"I've seen you with Chris," Gus says calmly, lowering his hand to the table. "I've seen Chris with you. He loves you, Eddie. And you love him."</p>
<p>"But it's not <em>enough</em>," Eddie insists as he wipes at his cheeks.</p>
<p>"Why not?" Gus challenges and Eddie doesn't know. He <em>doesn't know</em> but he feels so inadequate, so out of his depth, and his son is so smart, and funny, and kind, and beautiful. He deserves the whole world. He deserves someone who understands him, who values him, who cherishes him. Eddie tries but he just feels like a fraud. "I don't think anyone believes they're a good parent, Eddie. Anyone that does is probably lying to themselves, or they're out of touch."</p>
<p>Eddie isn't sure whether he should keep looking at Gus or fixate on his hands. "Have you got kids?"</p>
<p>"Three," Gus confirms, a fond smile at the corner of his lips. "My youngest is now a teenager and you'd think she would've realised watching her siblings go through this stage that she wouldn't keep testing the boundaries but she does, and then she storms off to her room to yell about it and text her friends, and then when she's calmed down she'll hug her Mom and me and we'll find 'normal' again."</p>
<p>Eddie's attention wanders to the corridor, trying to imagine Chris as a teenager. For a moment, he wants to freeze his kid at the age he is now – full of giggles and sweet smiles and embarrassed pleas. It feels like he barely knows his kid and then his son might turn into someone else he doesn't know.</p>
<p>"My point is we're all doing the best we can," Gus continues, and Eddie thinks that just sounds so simplistic. He wants to do more. He wants to <em>be</em> more. He owes it to his son, who has already been through so much at such a young age. "Talk to him, Eddie. Ask him questions. I know we've talked about the risk of false recollections but if it will help you feel more connected to your son, then do it. We'll talk through whatever you remember afterwards but I need to know you're okay living here. I need to know you're not falling apart."</p>
<p>Eddie wonders why it matters so much to Gus to hear it but he concedes the tiniest of nods, agreeing in principle to talk to his kid more, to ask the questions that nag at him and to listen to the answers. He's afraid of what he might hear but he's more afraid that if they don't start talking, he'll continue to miserably circle his relationships and doubt every expectation he develops.</p>
<p>"I'll call you if it gets out of hand," he promises and Gus at least looks somewhat satisfied by the agreement.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He's running fingers through Christopher's curls while they watch TV later when it occurs to him that he can remember doing this before. It dawns on him that he can remember his decision to move to LA – he'd had a desperate urge to start over after Shannon left, a feeling that he could lose himself in a city so big, a hope for a fresh start – and he can remember reading Shannon's letter while he was deployed that said she wouldn't be there to greet him the next time he came home. He can <em>remember</em>, with the same sort of certainty that he can remember it's Wednesday and that Chris had Art after lunch and that tomorrow Carla will drop Chris at Abuela's for a couple of hours so that he can have some space to breathe where he's not trying to play the role of Father and feeling like a failure every time he has to admit he doesn't know what Chris is talking about.</p>
<p>He <em>remembers</em>.</p>
<p>He hugs Chris a little closer and presses a kiss to his son's hair.</p>
<p>The memories sting and stab but, more than anything, he's glad to be able to remember them.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It's just after four in the morning when he wakes with a rippling of terror coursing through him, something that leaves him cold and breathless. He fumbles for the crutches, limping from his room to linger in the doorway of Christopher's room, and he uses the slow, even inhales and exhales of his son to steady his racing heart. Chris is fine. Chris is okay. Chris is alive.</p>
<p>He hobbles back to his room and fumbles at his phone. The screen is too bright in the inky darkness of his room but he thumbs to the message thread with Buck which has been silent since he showed up.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
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    <em>thank u for not giving up on Chris</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He can't pinpoint why the words matter so much but they sit heavily on his chest and they're stained across his tongue and he can't fathom closing his eyes if he hasn't sent them.</p>
<p>It's stupidly early and he doesn't expect a response, but it comes through anyway.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
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    <em>u remember that?</em>
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</blockquote><p>He wants to tear out his hair because it <em>matters</em>, it clearly matters to Buck that he remembers the words. Buck's awake, again, at some godawful hour of the morning, and Eddie wonders if he's working again or maybe he's just an insomniac. It's almost like extending an olive branch and Eddie doesn't <em>remember</em>.</p>
<p>He wants to scream at the moon for mocking him.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
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    <em>i remember u saved his life</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>There's no immediate response this time.</p>

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</div><p>He sets his phone on the bedside table and stares at the ceiling, flickers of memory like a tattered movie reel playing across his eyes as he remembers shards of ideas related to water, and blood, and climbing, and crushing his son to his chest while staring across a crowd of cot beds at Buck.</p>
<p>There are a lot of parts that don't make sense, a lot of pieces missing to give him the full story, but he knows he's right. He knows Buck saved his son in the tsunami. He knows Buck had been the one who protected his kid. He knows Buck is the one Chris had carefully concealed from the divulging of his memories when Eddie had asked about it.</p>
<p>He knows all the way down to his bones that Buck didn't give up on his kid and for that, more than anything else, he owes Buck his entire life.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Gus texts him and tells him to keep a journal of what he remembers, so on the shitty days he can return to it and realise all the things he's recalled. He's in the middle of recording the latest bits – which are largely irrelevant details like his favourite pizza place or the truck he had before the one that sits in his driveway – when it occurs to him that he must work with other people beyond Bobby. He reaches for his phone and starts searching through other text message chains, trying to determine who was a friend and who was a colleague and who might've been someone he had a random conversation with. He finds a message from someone called Hen that says "<em>See you next shift!</em>" and seeing as that term has come up with Buck and Bobby, it maybe gives him…something.</p>
<p>He looks through the other names of people that messaged him when he was in the hospital and something about the name Chim catches his attention, but the messages are mostly about asking for dating advice or outfit suggestions or trading recipes. It's a weird series of messages and Eddie's not sure he's ever been the smooth, suave kind of person to know a lot about dates – not now that he's piecing together that he'd been separated from Shannon for quite some time before she'd died – but obviously Chim had appreciated his help.</p>
<p>He bites his lip and returns to the message thread with Hen. He gazes at the last message she'd sent that clearly indicated she knew what had happened to him and wonders if she was there when the accident happened.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Hen: <em>I know you won't get this for a while but we're all pulling for you, Eddie xx Sending all the love in the world</em></p>
</blockquote><p>It takes time to find the right words, not sure how to set up a dinner-date with people he doesn't know he knows, and it's different to Buck because Buck had been in his hospital room, and reached out via text first. He knew who Buck <em>was</em>, in an abstract sense.</p>
<p>This is like flinging a message into the void and hoping something comes back to him.</p>
<p>He types the message slowly, afraid perhaps that he's wrong and he'll get shut down.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
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    <em>will u and Chim come over for dinner? bring ur partners. im trying to remember stuff</em>
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</blockquote><p>His phone buzzes half an hour later with a call and he stops staring at the scraps of what he's recorded, at the strange swirls of his handwriting that don't seem recognisable, and swipes at the screen when he sees Hen's name.</p>
<p>"H-Hello?" he says uncertainly, twisting the pen around the joints of his spare hand as he chews his lip.</p>
<p>"<em>Eddie</em>," Hen breathes with obvious warmth and love and affection and he shuts his eyes, remembering the voice even if he can't quite put a face to it, remembering her calm steady presence in terrifying situations even if he can't remember what those were. "It's so good to hear from you."</p>
<p>"You too." And it is, even if there are still so many blank spots, so many obvious details he can't put his finger on, because it's a source of connection and those have been badly lacking for more than a month. Gus had warned him about the isolation of returning home, of the challenges navigating friendships he couldn't remember, but maybe those friendships are easier to maintain than trying to talk to his mother. "I- You got my message?"</p>
<p>"I did. We'd love to come over," Hen says, her voice so bright and delighted that he can't help but smile a little at it, some of his unease fading. "What day works for you?"</p>
<p>He shrugs before realising it's pointless and she can't see it. "I'm literally not going anywhere, Hen. I can't drive and even if I could, I don't know where I'd go. So honestly? It's whenever works best for you."</p>
<p>She laughs and he remembers hearing that too, many times, ringing around a building with a high ceiling, and a backyard, and a couple of apartments. He glances at his notebook and knows he needs to record other details for Gus now. "We have a shift tomorrow, so how about Sunday night?"</p>
<p>He still wonders what everyone means by the use of 'shift' but it nags at him, because there's an implication he's had shifts with her and he knows he and Buck used to work together. They used to work <em>shifts</em>. Did he go back to school after leaving the army? Did he finally decide to ignore the chaos his sisters had endured and get some sort of nursing or medical degree? Is that why they are on <em>shifts</em>?</p>
<p>"Sunday sounds great," he agrees, even though he might just go up the walls waiting for Sunday.</p>
<p>"I'll see you soon and we'll talk more then, okay?"</p>
<p>"Sure," he says and the call disconnects and he stares at the phone, wondering how something with so much power to connect him to people is so useless when he's not sure who he's meant to connect with.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Abuela visits on Saturday.</p>
<p>"I heard your conversation with your Mama did not go so well," she says, a fresh set of Tupperware containers held aloft as she eyes him warily from the front door. "Do you want me to bring these in?"</p>
<p>He tries not to roll his eyes and pull a face at her being inordinately polite and cautious when he's not mad at her, he doesn't have it in him to hold a grudge. He shifts aside on the crutches and waves her in, hears Chris squeal when he sees her, and closes the door behind her. He's spent enough time squinting at his phone to read about amnesia to understand why his family hadn't wanted to tell him, why they'd kept Chris away from the hospital, or why his sisters have kept their distance. It hadn't made it any easier to deal with but he could understand their hope that he'd wake up one day and everything would be back to normal.</p>
<p>Sometimes he lies awake for far too many hours, wondering which he'd prefer. The bits and pieces approach that he's been dealing with has made it somewhat easier to handle compared to how he suspects he'd feel if five years of memories were suddenly dumped back in his awareness. Yet there are still so many questions that he has and no one is willing to answer in case it means he doesn't make that connection independently. He hasn't told anyone yet but he's given up hope that he'll wake up and everything will be restored. His searching indicates that it's simply stretched on for too long for him to ever see a complete return to normal.</p>
<p>"Edmundo." Her hands clasp his cheeks, drawing him away from his despairing thoughts. She gazes into his eyes, like she's searching for a way to help him remember. "I have missed you, nieto."</p>
<p>"Te quiero, Abuela," he murmurs, loosening his grasp on one of the crutches to fold his hand around hers. She kisses the back of his hand and then returns to packaging Tupperware into the fridge or the freeze.</p>
<p>She showers Chris with affection and insists on cooking lunch with whatever she can manage to find still left in his freezer. Eddie doesn't bother protesting, knowing she's a better cook than him or Chris, so he sits at the kitchen table. Sometimes she sings and sometimes he mentions something, some sliver of memory he knows is from the last five years, and he watches her eyes light up and her head bob while he tries to articulate the vague impressions of what he remembers.</p>
<p>It's not much, but he can tell it gives her some hope.</p>
<p>Maybe that's enough for now.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>..<em>*emerges briefly from Witness Protection*</em>..</p>
<p>Well at least you can't kill me for <em>this</em> fic this week........</p>
<p>...<em>*disappears again*</em>...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,617<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>He doesn't tell Chris that Hen and Chim are coming over until after lunch on Sunday. He'd ensured Chris had all his homework completed <em>before</em> telling him, lest he find it impossible to focus on something to do with subtraction, or his spelling words, or the scientific language required for a report on frogs.</p><p>"Is Denny coming too?" Chris squirms with excitement as Eddie thumbs through the menu for <em>Shrek</em>, which was an easy movie to watch while they killed some of the afternoon hours. Eddie can only shrug, because he doesn't have the heart to admit he's not sure who Denny is.</p><p>When he sees the name <em>CAMERON DIAZ</em> flash across the credits, something flickers in his memory, something he can't quite place so he reaches for the notebook on the coffee table and adds it to the list at the back. Gus might've suggested he record what he remembers but Eddie had started a second list of the hazy bits he couldn't put together but might be able to ask someone later. He wonders if Hen or Chim will know the answer for why <em>that</em> name catches his attention, and then he tries not to fixate on it and watch the movie.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>Hen arrives a little after six and Chris squeals when he sees a kid climbing out of the car.</p><p>"Denny!" Chris shrieks and, well, that answers that mystery.</p><p>Seeing Hen also puts a name to the face of the tall woman he'd seen with Bobby at the hospital. He hazards a pretty solid guess that he knows exactly what Chim's going to look like before he turns up.</p><p>"Hey, Eddie," she says, opening her arms to him as she climbs the stairs to the porch. "Are we at the hugging stage of the memory recollection or not?"</p><p>He's not sure what stage he's at, honestly, but he gives her a nod and lets her fold him into an embrace. She's strong and maternal, rubbing a hand against his back without any sort of awkwardness that he's balancing on crutches. When he pulls away to glance at Chris, who is restlessly shifting while he waits for Denny to climb the steps with a shoebox in his hands, Eddie's eyes drift toward-</p><p>"Karen?" he says, the name appearing on his tongue before he's even consciously aware of it. It's like a lightbulb in his mind, like he couldn't possible call her anything else. The other woman looks up at him, a smile on her lips, and Hen loosens her grip to look over her shoulder.</p><p>"Look at that, honey. You're a lucky charm for his recollections," Hen teases and Karen rolls her eyes, ushering Denny up the stairs.</p><p>"He remembers <em>me</em> but he doesn't remember <em>you</em>. What does <em>that</em> tell you?" Karen retorts, wiggling her arms towards Eddie and he wonders if he's huggy with the people he works with. He was never like that in the army, and in his family, Abuela and his sisters were the only three that were excessively affectionate. Maybe his job with Hen is different. Maybe he's different.</p><p>"It tells me we came to the right place," Hen says with a wink and a grin as she follows Chris and Denny into the house.</p><p>Chim arrives a little while later and Eddie's relieved that he was right in his assumption about the man being the third stranger at the hospital. Chim's fingers are tangled in the hand of a shorter brunette with dark eyes, eyes that stare at him with a sort of pain he's only seen reflected in the mirror some mornings and which leave him wanting to find ways to take it all away.</p><p>"Hi." He hesitates, rolls his lips between his teeth and tongue as he tries to attach a name to her face. "You… Um… Your name starts with an M? Or a B?"</p><p>"See? He remembered <em>me</em> immediately," Karen crows from the kitchen table and Eddie hears Hen's laugh behind him. "<em>I'm</em> the special one here and the rest of you are meaningless."</p><p>"Maddie," the woman introduces after shooting a glare towards Karen, extending her hand towards him with a polite smile. "Maddie Buckley."</p><p>His hand grasps hers instinctively before he processes the name completely. His hand tightens in hers as he blinks several times, slotting pieces together as he looks around at all of them. "You're related to Evan?"</p><p>He stares at her and he knows it probably makes her uncomfortable but she and Buck don't look anything alike. Buck's taller than Eddie, and he's blond-haired, blue-eyed, and as broad as a house. Maddie's short, with darker hair and eyes, and a much narrower frame. But… If he looks close enough, he can see a similar sort of look in her eyes to when he's looked at Buck. He can see a sadness in the way they sparkle and he's seen the emotions that race through Buck's eyes to recognise she wears her heart on her sleeve too.</p><p>"Buck's my brother." Her hand squeezes his, thumb rubbing over his hand as her lips draw downwards slightly. "We, um… We haven't been as close this year."</p><p>"You haven't?" He hobbles back to his seat with Maddie and Chim trailing behind him, resuming his spot where he can prop his leg on a chair opposite. He's filled in the time with Hen and Karen by hearing stories about their decision to foster kids and they've managed to carefully avoid all the big issues, all the big questions, that continue to swirl in Eddie's head. He's wanted to ask and at the same time, it feels like he's been catching up with old friends he just hasn't seen in a couple of months. It's felt natural, and he's craved something like that. "I thought- The way Bobby talked, I thought it was just a work thing. That he…he transferred because we had a falling out or something."</p><p>The quiet tension that spreads around the table is unmistakable. He's not blind, either. He sees the shift in body positions to have more rigidity. He sees the way Maddie glances at Chim, but Chim's looking at Hen. It's the same sort of uncertain looks that he'd see at the hospital when he'd ask about Shannon. It's the same look that says they know something but they aren't sure they can tell him.</p><p>"Please," he says, drawing their eyes back to him again. "I'm just trying to understand. I learned he was my emergency contact in the hospital but I-" He pauses, weighs his words and determines that a little white lie might not be the worst thing in the world. "I have the feeling he wouldn't show up if someone called and I don't know what happened."</p><p>Chim snorts and Maddie swats his shoulder and Hen hums, a small smirk on her face that he doesn't understand either, until Karen elbows her and Hen tries to force it off her face.</p><p>"I don't know what happened, Ed," Maddie says eventually, folding her hands into her lap. Eddie wonders if it's his imagination when he sees her lower lip wobble but she manages to maintain eye contact with him. "He was so bright at Christmas, organising a party for everyone, but after New Year, he just… He wasn't the same." She shrugs, like she's trying to convey it hasn't cut her to the bone and left her miserable. "Anyway, he met his boyfriend a couple of weeks later and I guess that was- They started hanging out more and he was- He decided he didn't need to see me as much."</p><p>There's something buried in her words, something he has a feeling he knows if he could just remember it. They sound like they'd been close siblings, a tight bond that had somehow teetered during some sort of seismic shift that had upended Buck's life, or hers, to the extent that it had reduced how much contact he had with his sister.</p><p>"He decided he didn't need to see <em>any</em> of us as much," Hen points out, a little harsh in her tone compared to the other stories she's shared tonight, and Chim and Karen nod.</p><p>"Me too?" He feels stupid for asking but no one calls him dumb.</p><p>"You too," Chim confirms and Maddie pats Eddie's arm consolingly.</p><p>It still leaves a mystery hanging over him but Maddie's words do give him another piece of the puzzle – it was something that had happened after Christmas. Maybe it was New Year, maybe it was the new boyfriend, or maybe it was something else entirely. But it narrows his focus and if Buck ever talks to him again, maybe he'll get other pieces.</p><p>The conversation moves away from Buck and it quickly becomes clear Hen and Chim have their own jokes, almost their own way of interacting with each other. There are codes and clues he doesn't understand, and expressions he can't read. Sometimes Karen and Maddie explain what's going on, and sometimes it's clear they're just as lost as him, but he realises he feels comfortable spending time with them and that's such a strange feeling to have that he hadn't even realised it was comfortable to feel. From time to time, he glances over to Chris and smiles at how his kid is happily playing with Lego towers and various action figures. Sometimes he tunes out of the conversation for long stretches because there are too many stories to process, and other times he tunes in to hear Hen or Chim mention something about a call and Eddie's mind flashes with disconnected images that are meaningless.</p><p>Maybe that's why he startles when a hand touches the back of his. His sudden flinch makes Maddie recoil and drop her glass, and then she's leaping out of her chair to stand, shrinking away from the shards with wide, frightened eyes.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>Karen and Hen are silent and Eddie's eyes swing towards Maddie, and Chim has his hands raised. It takes a moment or two before Eddie realises that Maddie's also darting terrified looks at him too, like she's terrified Eddie's going to explode at her.</p><p>"Mads?" Chim says gently, and Eddie notes how her eyes keep flicking between the broken glass and Eddie. Her chest rises and falls rapidly and Eddie knows what's happening even if he doesn't understand all the reasons why. "Hey. Eyes here, Maddie. Look at me."</p><p>Maddie's cheeks are damp by the time she looks towards Chim. Her eyebrows waver, her breath stutters, and then she moves closer to him and flings her arms around his shoulders. That action seems to spur Hen and Karen into departing the table. They return a moment later with Eddie's mop and dustpan and broom and he tries not to be freaked out that they know where stuff is in his house without asking.</p><p>"S-Sorry," Maddie says once she's calmed down, gesturing at the floor with trembling fingers. "I- I didn't mean to-"</p><p>And the sadness that had been in her tone when talking about Buck before, the pain in her eyes which he'd recognised from Buck's expressions, and just his general understanding of how people worked and operated after traumatic situations… He makes some haphazard guesses and draws some messy conclusions and he hates realising that someone must have hurt her in the past. He wonders if he can hug her later and take some of her pain away.</p><p>"It's okay. It's just a glass," he assured her with a calm smile. "Chris and I break them all the time with our crutches."</p><p>"Daddy broke a mug on Friday morning and he said a bad word," Chris says very seriously from where he's peering over the back of the couch at them. Eddie flushes and the others laugh. Hen asks if he has to put a dollar in the swear jar and even Maddie manages a small smile at that.</p><p>He holds out his hand to Maddie across the table and after a long pause of gazing at him with undisguised fear, she takes it. He squeezes lightly, runs his thumb over her knuckles. "A glass isn't as important to me as knowing you're okay and that you feel safe here," he says gently, maintaining a steady eye contact with her to ensure she understands everything he's saying. Her eyebrows draw together, apparent recognition that he gets it and he's not mad, and a fresh set of tears spill down her cheeks as she nods and squeezes his hand in return.</p><p>"Thank you," she whispers, and he knows his messy conclusions are correct. It tears at the compassionate part of him that someone would hurt her, and it infuriates the part of him that served that he doesn't know who the person is or where they live so he can break the person's nose and tear off their hands because anyone that hurt someone else outside of a war zone wasn't a person.</p><p>"Daddy, are we gonna eat soon?" Chris asks and Maddie giggles and Karen laughs. Eddie limps over to his son and presses a kiss to his hair, squeezing a gentle hand to Denny's shoulder temple before looking at the others.</p><p>"Pizza? Chinese? Thai?"</p><p>It's how they end up with five pizzas spread across the kitchen table and Chris cuddled into Maddie's lap because of a lack of seats. Eddie watches them and thinks about the way his son is so calm and content with her, and he wonders - not for the first time - just how close he and Buck had been. He's still not exactly sure what work they all used to do but his kid is familiar with Buck's sister in a way that he's not even sure his kid would be comfortable with <em>his</em> sisters. They're a family and he's not sure when or how that happened, but he realises for the first time that he's not as alone as he thought.</p><p>The longer he watches Chris with Maddie, the way Chris giggles at some of the things Maddie whispers into his ear, the more he realises his son is helping her relax too.</p><p>Hen and Karen leave first when Denny yawns a few too many times in close succession when it's approaching 9 and Eddie knows Chris isn't going to be fun to get out of bed in the morning for school either. When he lingers in the doorway, Hen's wraps him in a tight embrace and he wishes he had better balance on the crutches to be able to return the hug properly.</p><p>"Don't be a stranger, okay?" she says, holding his cheeks in her hands and gazing into his eyes. "We all love you, Eddie. We know it's tough but we're here for everything you need."</p><p>He's not sure who 'we' is but he nods and she releases him. Karen folds him into a hug and it's a lighter, looser grip. He drops a kiss to the top of her head as she rubs his back.</p><p>"Keep remembering me, alright? I'm the important one," she jokes.</p><p>From the car, Hen yells, "I heard that!" and Eddie snorts a laugh as Karen kisses his cheek.</p><p>"Call me if you need a hand with something and everyone else is working," she says, patting his chest and then dropping her eyes for a moment and grinning. "Or if you need a leg."</p><p>He rolls his eyes and she winks before descending the stairs and climbing into the passenger seat. She and Hen both wave before driving off and Eddie's still got a small smile playing on his lips when he returns to his kitchen table. Chim is placing leftover pizza slices on a couple of plates and covering them with foil.</p><p>"Maddie's helping Chris get ready for bed," he explains and Eddie blinks, looking from Chim to Christopher's bedroom.</p><p>"She…knows how to do that?" he says and Chim's brows draw together.</p><p>"Yeah, man," he says with a shrug like it's obvious, like it's no big deal. "She's done it before."</p><p>And that…confuses him. Just who <em>are</em> all these people?</p><p>"Okay," he says, feeling dazed and unsure if it <em>is</em> okay. He hobbles further down the corridor where he can hear the murmur of Maddie and Chris' voices.</p><p>"I miss Buck," Chris says, and there's a quiet sadness in his voice that Eddie hasn't heard since he was in the hospital. Eddie's heart aches as he peers past the doorway, taking in the way Chris is snuggled into Maddie's side, one of his hands balled against her stomach and fidgeting with her shirt. "Is Buck okay, Maddie?"</p><p>Maddie's hand smooths some of the blankets into place across Chris' chest and then she starts running them through his curls, gazing at him intently. "Honestly, little man? I wish I knew. I haven't seen him since your Dad got hurt."</p><p>Eddie frowns. That doesn't line up with what Buck had said when he'd shown up on his doorstep. He'd never call Buck a liar to his face but then…why had he used his sister as an excuse for showing up at Eddie's place? Unless he has <em>more</em> than one sister. It's entirely plausible but…it's something he thinks he would have remembered, something he thinks he would have picked up before now.</p><p>"Maddie?"</p><p>"Yeah, honey?"</p><p>"Do… D'you think that…that my Dad will ever remember everything?" Chris asks and Eddie swallows away the tears that those words cause because his son sounds so small and broken and afraid, and it takes everything in him not to surge forward and promise his son the world.</p><p>"I don't know, sweetheart." Eddie wishes Maddie would be more optimistic, if only for Chris' sake. At the same time, he desperately appreciates her honesty. He's terrified to give Chris false hope that he'll be okay and then it never happens. "He seems like he's getting some of his memories back, right? That's an excellent sign. I've seen people remember all kinds of things at the strangest of times. We just need to keep talking to him and listening to him, reminding him that we love him, so that he knows we'll be there for him no matter what."</p><p>"I love Dad more than anyone in the whole world," Chris says brightly and Eddie uses that as his excuse to ease into the room. Maddie's head turns toward him and she makes a move to get off the bed but he waves at her to stay where she is. Sitting on the edge of Chris' bed and getting up again is an ordeal he could do without for one night.</p><p>"I hope you brushed your teeth so bright you make your room light up." Chris grins at him and he pretends like he's blinded, which makes Chris giggle. "Those are some <em>very</em> clean teeth, my man. I think they might light up some of the stars."</p><p>"Teeth can't do <em>that</em>," Chris laughs and Eddie raises an eyebrow at him, leaning his weight against the crutches.</p><p>"Who says teeth don't have that sort of power?"</p><p>Chris shakes his head but he's got a goofy grin on his face and even though Eddie knows what he told Gus, even though he still doubts his ability to properly take care of his kid, he knows he couldn't have coped with any of this without Chris and his smiles and his laughter to remind him to find the positives in this situation. He can see Maddie's smiling at both of them too and it feels like a lighter way to end the night, to tease Chris about his ridiculously bright teeth, which might distract Chris from his anxieties about Eddie's poor memory.</p><p>"Are you ready to get some sleep, mijo?"</p><p>Chris hums, stifles a yawn behind his hand, and wriggles a little onto his side. "Yeah, Dad. m'ready."</p><p>Maddie runs her fingers through his curls a few more times, presses a soft kiss to his forehead after Eddie nods at her that he can see Chris is sinking off to sleep without too much fuss, and then they exit the room.</p><p>"I'm sorry for-"</p><p>"Hey, don't apologise for helping out," he insists, extending an arm towards her. She eyes it for a moment, her gaze flicking towards him, and he makes a gesture that leads her to tuck under his arm. It's a bit awkward when he's got a crutch in the way but he manages to press a kiss to her hair and gently squeezes her into his side. "You saved me some time and I appreciate it, Maddie. Thank you."</p><p>She nods and almost looks teary again when she peers up at him. He wonders if she's fragile because she broke the glass, or if it's a Buckley thing, if they're both just prone to exposing their emotions whereas Eddie had been trained to hide everything. There are differences between the Buckley siblings though. Maddie seems open to crying, to exposing when she feels overwhelmed by something. Buck seems to oscillate between showing his emotions and his anxiety and then shutting down and pretending he feels nothing too fast for Eddie to keep up with even if he wasn't on crutches.</p><p>"Hey, can I ask you something?" he says as he releases her and adjusts the crutch beneath his arm so he can scoot down the hallway slowly with her at his side. "Is, uh- Does the name Cameron mean something to you?"</p><p>He hears a surprised laugh from Chim and glances between the other man and Maddie. She's staring at him, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed. Maybe he needs to give her more because she looks like she's trying to determine whether saying something might accidentally give him a false recollection.</p><p>"It's just- I was watching <em>Shrek</em> with Christopher earlier and the name Cameron Diaz stuck out-" he starts to explain before Chim pipes up,</p><p>"Are you sure you fixated on the 'Cameron' part and not the 'Diaz'?"</p><p>Eddie simply glares at him, but Chim looks unperturbed if the shrug is anything to go by.</p><p>"Buck's boyfriend," Maddie says eventually, her voice wavering slightly, her hands knotting in front of her. It's another one of those anxious gestures he recognises from Buck and he wonders if they even realise that they have similar tics. "He- His name is Cameron. You- You remembered Cameron's <em>name</em>?"</p><p>"Not…exactly?" It's always hard to explain to someone new, someone that he hasn't seen before, someone that hasn't sat with someone that's had such a total scramble of their brain. Even so, the name of Buck's boyfriend is another piece of the intricate puzzle he seems unable to solve and he'll savour it. "It more just struck me that there was something familiar about it but I couldn't place why."</p><p>She's still gazing at him with an odd expression on her face that maybe he'd be able to read if he knew her and her story better. "The memory is a very fickle thing."</p><p>The edge of his lips twitch. "Don't I know it."</p><p>He follows her and Chim through the hallway and out the door, and Eddie still has questions about the scar on Chim's forehead and what the name <em>Chim</em> even means – he'd gathered it was short for<em> Chimney</em> but that hadn't been any help either – and why Maddie looks so afraid all the time but he pushes them away because he feels like he needs to know them better before he asks.</p><p>"Thank you for coming tonight," he says when they reach the porch, as he balances on the crutches and gazes at them. "I, um… It's helpful to have other people around because it helps me remember things."</p><p>"Of course," Maddie nods, reaching for his shoulder and squeezing gently.</p><p>"We're always here for you, man. You know that," Chim adds.</p><p>Eddie quirks an eyebrow at him. "I didn't even remember who you <em>were</em>."</p><p>Chim shrugs, not looking embarrassed or fazed by the information. "But you will."</p><p>Eddie feels some of his amusement drop but he tries to cover it up when Chim wraps him into a one-armed hug, rubbing and patting his back.</p><p>"You'll be back in no time," Chim says confidently, dipping his head at Maddie before he jogs down the stairs to the car. She lingers, gazing after Chim as he gets in the car before she focuses on Eddie again.</p><p>"You're afraid you won't remember," she says and there's no guessing in her tone. Eddie's eyes slide away from hers, drifting towards the porch, or the steps, or Chim's car. "Eddie?"</p><p>"I am," he admits, the first time he's come close to telling anyone outside of Gus some of the thoughts and feelings that keep him awake at night. He licks his bottom lip, his heart suddenly pounding in his chest as the confessions tangle the organisation of his thoughts.</p><p>"Hey." Her hand on his shoulder shifts to his cheek, guiding his eyes towards hers. "You might not remember all of us, Eds, but you got to know us once. You can get to know us again. We all love you and anything you need, <em>anything</em> at all, and any one of us that was here tonight will be here for you again, okay?"</p><p>She's quiet and calm and confident, which is the complete opposite to how Eddie feels like he's struggling to keep his face neutral. He's not sure how to reach out to people he doesn't know, and he's not sure how they're meant to help when he doesn't know what he even needs help with. He's felt less alone having a small group over, learning names and picking up scraps of information that help build more of the picture of who he's been while living in Los Angeles, but he still feels like he's lost.</p><p>"I appreciate you helping with Chris tonight," he says eventually and she smiles even though her eyes remain sad, her thumb smoothing over his cheek.</p><p>"If you need a night where he stays with someone so you can have some space, call me, alright? Chris is always welcome to stay at my place."</p><p>It's a generous offer and he's not sure if he'll use it, but he nods anyway and manages to grasp her hand off his cheek to lightly kiss her knuckles. Something more genuinely happy twinkles in her eyes and she curls her fingers around his.</p><p>"Take care of yourself, Eddie."</p><p>"You too, Maddie."</p><p>He watches her descend to the car and gives a little wave as they pull away, then retreats into his house again to check everything has been put away. A neat stack of pizza boxes lingers by the recycling container and the plates of leftover pizza have been left on a shelf in the fridge. He can't help but marvel at the fact he has <em>friends</em> and they seem so genuinely <em>kind</em>.</p><p>He flicks off various lights as he moves towards his room to change into pyjamas and ready himself for bed. When he glances at his phone, it's empty of notifications but he pulls up the messages with Buck anyway. He hasn't had any responses from Buck but he's trying to be gently persistent, trying to keep the lines of communication open. He's not sure what Buck's silence might mean but he's not about to stop constructing the fragile bridge between them now.</p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em>ur sister came over tonight along with Hen&amp;Chim<br/>maybe next time u can join us?</em>
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</blockquote><p>He's not surprised when there's still no response the following morning, but he'll maintain the hope that something might change.</p><hr/><p>There's a knock at the door a few days later when Chris is at school. He's not expecting any visitors so he almost decides not to shift off the couch because of the effort required, because maybe it's a door-to-door salesperson or maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness and he doesn't particularly feel like talking to either of them, nor does he care to hobble to the door for them. But when there's another knock, more insistent and confident like the person on the other side that he's home, he relents and shuffles slowly down the corridor.</p><p>He's surprised when the door swings open and Bobby's standing there in a pale grey knit sweater and jeans. His hand is grasped in that of a shorter woman wearing loose black slacks and a patterned sweater. Eddie's gaze drifts between the two, the name of the woman nagging at him even though he can't quite put his finger on it. Something to do with mythology?</p><p>"Hi?"</p><p>"Chim mentioned you remembered Cameron's name," Bobby says in lieu of a greeting and surprising Eddie. It's not like he'd tried to<em> conceal </em>the name from Chim's hearing but maybe remembering the name had meant more than Chim or Maddie had let on the other night. "I spoke with Athena. She was interested in your 'feeling' and wanted to stop by to talk."</p><p><em>Athena</em>. That was why he'd thought of something to do with mythology. He looks at her, at the slightly shrewd gaze and the pursed lips which remind him of Abuela when he's done something wrong and is about to be scolded and yelled at and maybe beaten around the heat with a handbag. But something about her appearance is familiar. "You- You arrested me," he says slowly.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>"<em>That's</em> what you remember?" Athena says, rolling her eyes even though her lips twitch into a smile as she pivots her attention to Bobby. "<em>That's</em> what he remembers? Of all the possible-"</p><p>"It wasn't…real though, right?" he says, frowning as he tries to sort through the slivers of the memory. He recognises her voice too, an authoritative tone, even if he can't remember exact words.</p><p>"No." She huffs, shaking her head with obvious amusement as she looks between him and Bobby. "You were high."</p><p>"I was <em>high</em>?"</p><p>"We were all high," Bobby corrects, waving his hand in the air like he's trying to dispel the lingering smoke. "You ended up in cuffs for your own protection and the safety of others."</p><p>Eddie blinks. He can't remember <em>that</em> part, just the feeling of his hands behind his back, of Athena hovering around him. Lots of colours? "Was I crying?"</p><p>Athena laughs, her eyes sparkling. "Only a little, sweetheart."</p><p>Eddie can't decide if he finds the fragments of the memory hilarious or the thought of crying in front of someone who arrested him mortifying. He'll think about it later. For now, he shuffles out of the way and jerks one of his crutches towards the hall.</p><p>"Come on in."</p><p>Bobby squeezes his shoulder as he passes and Athena brushes a hand to Eddie's cheek. He follows them to the living room and appreciates that they leave the couch free because he can prop his leg on the coffee table.</p><p>"How <em>are</em> you, Eddie?" Athena asks once he's settled the heavy cast. He lightly rubs at the couple of inches of thigh not encased in plaster, no longer sure if the ache he feels in his leg will ever fade.</p><p>"Good days and bad days." He shrugs and attempts to place a cushion beneath his foot, but he can't reach. Bobby leans forward and does it for him, then tugs the coffee table forward an inch. It helps reduce some of the uncomfortable pressure on his knee and he exhales a breath of relief. He shoots Bobby a grateful look even as his attention wanders back to Athena's question. "I think I'm getting a bit of- of cabin fever, though? I haven't left my house since I got home because I can't drive. I've had visitors but I- It'll be good when I get it off and can move around."</p><p>"Do you <em>want</em> to go for a drive?" Bobby sits across the arm of the chair, a hand drifting across Athena's shoulders.</p><p>Eddie chews the inside of his cheek, eyes drifting towards the crutches. "Even if I can leave, I can't walk much. Chris has got the arm strength to go for hours but I get exhausted so fast."</p><p>"You're still healing from some serious injuries," Athena points out.</p><p>"Driving around doesn't have to mean walking around, either," Bobby adds.</p><p>He knows they're right and he <em>is</em> almost desperate to get out of his house. It's strange to consider driving through Los Angeles, which he probably knows very well, and yet probably won't remember. He wonders how long he's lived here. How soon after he was discharged did he move? How long has it been 'home'? Is that why his mom wanted him back in El Paso? But then...the bonds he had with people here… Those aren't something forged in weeks. He had to have been here for some time.</p><p>"I feel like I'll be a tourist in my own city," he mumbles, glancing down at his hands. "I- I wouldn't mind going for a drive though. If it's not too much trouble."</p><p>"You're never too much trouble," Bobby assures. "How about this weekend?"</p><p>Eddie blinks at him, surprised it could happen that quickly.</p><p>"Chris can come too. We can make a day of it. Harry could come." Bobby turns to Athena. "Are you free? Is Michael?"</p><p>"I'll be working this weekend but Michael might be available," she agrees and Eddie looks between the two of them like he's meant to know who Harry and Michael are.</p><p>"Alright. I'll text him later to check." Bobby looks back at Eddie. "Pick you up at 11?" Eddie shrugs helplessly in agreement because sure, apparently. It's not like he had anything else planned.</p><p>Athena leans forward in her chair, fingers folded beneath her chin. "Now, Eddie. Tell me your concerns about Buck."</p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><div class="center">
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    <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's been a hellish week for me so I don't know what to say here other than slow pieces are good pieces. And also that I love Athena and Bobby a whole lot.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,203<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>Chris is almost vibrating with excitement at the thought of getting out of the house on the weekend – something Eddie can't fault his kid for, even if he's vaguely uneasy about leaving the house – and there's a knock on the door at precisely 11. It makes Eddie wonder if Bobby's been hovering and waiting for the clock to tick over. Maybe he's an expert at timing. Or maybe he wants to prove Eddie can rely on him.</p><p>"I got it!" Chris calls, moving faster and more confidently on his crutches than Eddie. Eddie's watched his kid move and tried to mimic him but there's an ease in Chris' movements that Eddie is yet to master.</p><p>"Are you okay with the-"</p><p>"I can do the lock too, Dad," Chris sighs and he says it with such exasperation that Eddie has to bite down on a smile. He peers to the end of the hallway to see his son twist the key in the lock and then pull on the handle.</p><p>Only it's not Bobby on the doorstep, it's another kid.</p><p>"Harry!" Chris squeals and Eddie connects the name mentioned by Bobby.</p><p>"Hey, Harry." He shuffles along the corridor and gives an awkward sort of wave. Harry holds out a fist and Eddie feels weird about bumping it with his own because it's another example of familiarity he doesn't have.</p><p>"Dad and Bobby are in the car," Harry says, glancing between him and Chris and shifting his weight from foot to foot and flashing a bright grin. "Do you need me to carry a bag?"</p><p>"Oh." Eddie's surprised at how sweet the boy is. He's evidently sized up that Eddie and Chris are a pair of crutch-wielding monsters and offering to help doesn't seem like something he's been to do. He also can't be much older than Denny but he's got an arm around Chris' shoulders like they know each other well, making a joke about a game Eddie doesn't recognise. Eddie wonders again at how integrated his life is with all these people, how often they all see each other. He wonders if he'd considered returning to El Paso since moving here and he wonders why he would've had those thoughts when his kid lights up at every visitor they've had. "Yeah, uh… I left it on the kitchen counter actually so-"</p><p>"I got it if you're good to go?"</p><p>Eddie looks at Chris, who beams and wiggles his feet to show he's got his shoes on. "We're good," he confirms, letting Harry into the hallway to collect the bag while Chris carefully negotiates his way down the stairs.</p><p>Bobby's out of the car and helping Chris with the last step by the time Harry returns with the backpack slung over his shoulder. Eddie gets distracted by the other man that climbs out of the front seat and gives him a thumbs up. He's familiar, like everyone is in an abstract sort of sense, but Eddie guesses they don't work together. The man, he assumes is Michel, doesn't have the same build as Bobby, Hen, Chim and Buck.</p><p>He locks the door behind him and Michael meets him on the second step when it's clear he's on the verge of toppling over the first one.</p><p>"What do you call it when your kid is better at something than you?" he jokes when he gets his right foot settled on the step and rebalances on the crutches beneath his arms.</p><p>"A tragedy," Michael deadpans and Eddie snorts, leaning into the arm around his waist to help him down the remaining steps. Once the concern about falling over is gone, Eddie's better at negotiating the distance to the car with Michael giving him the space to manoeuvre. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it. Chris will be better at computers and phones than you'll ever be."</p><p>He casts a look at Michael that makes the guy laugh and hold his hands up. "How very comforting."</p><p>Bobby laughs and it helps Eddie relax, because even though it's a struggle to remember these people and how they all fit into the jigsaw of his life, there's a comforting familiarity in their interactions that puts him at ease. Even seeing Christopher squished into the window seat in the backseat is strange because Harry's talking to him about something that happened at school and Chris is laughing and asking Harry about a book he was reading.</p><p>"We all buckled in?" Bobby says, checking the rear-view mirror once Eddie's finally managed to sort out his leg and the crutches and get the door closed.</p><p>"All set, Cap!" Michael teases and Eddie catches the way Bobby rolls his eyes and shifts the car into reverse. The nickname tugs at Eddie's memory and even though it's his first time out of the house in weeks, he forgets to pay attention to where they are for multiple blocks because he's still mulling over it.</p><p>Cap… Cap… <em>Cap</em>…</p><p>"So if we're going on the full tourist tour, we thought of crossing Central LA to check out Hollywood and just zig-zag streets and roads and boulevards through the CBD." Michael's voice seeps into Eddie's musings but it's Christopher's small, timid voice that fully dispels them.</p><p>"We aren't going to the pier, are we?"</p><p>He looks at Bobby and then over his headrest to his son, noting the way Chris' forehead is creased in a worried frown and his fingers twist and ball in his lap. What pier? What's wrong with the pier? Why is the pier-</p><p>"We don't have to go to the pier, Chris," Bobby promises and Chris looks at Eddie, clearly still not convinced.</p><p>"Dad?"</p><p>He wants to smash himself in the head with a brick because maybe that will dislodge some vital pieces of his memory so that he stops feeling like such a failure. He could imagine Gus' reaction to <em>that</em> thought. "Of course we don't have to go to the pier, mijo," he says and the lines marring his face finally clear. He wants to pull his son into a hug just so that he never looks like that ever again. He wants to shelter his son from anything that scares him that much.</p><p>"There are so many other things in LA that are better than the pier anyway," Harry says, rubbing his shoulder against Christopher's and his kid breaks into a nervous smile as he meets Harry's eyes and their conversation about some TV show resumes like it hadn't been interrupted.</p><p>"What's wrong with the pier?" he asks Bobby quietly once he knows his son is fully engrossed in the conversation. He knows no one is meant to simply <em>tell</em> him information but this? <em>This</em> is something important. He needs this information to take care of his son. There needs to be some exceptions to that rule.</p><p>Bobby's gaze flicks in the rear-vision mirror to check that the two boys are talking before glancing at Eddie. "He was…there last year when, uh…when something happened."</p><p>He searches through the pieces he's remembered and the pieces he's learned until he finds one that fits. There's only one thing he can think of that would terrify his son so much, one thing he'd been so hesitant to talk about after Eddie had been discharged and seen the artworks pinned to his wall. "The tsunami?" he guesses and Bobby nods. Eddie leans his head back, shutting his eyes and exhaling slowly when he slides some of the flickers from the dream he'd had, the texts he'd sent, the messages he'd received. Much like recalling fragments of Shannon's death and making assumptions about the rest, he's capable of doing that about this too. "He was there with Buck."</p><p>Bobby makes a noise of surprise, his eyes looking towards Eddie again. "How much <em>do</em> you remember?"</p><p>"Not all of it," he admits, sifting through the awareness that he has, all the information he's gathered. "I had a… Sometimes I think they're nightmares? But I- I guess they're really memories, stuff I've gone through that has lost the edge of reality which makes it less believable." He breathes in, holds it, and breathes out. "Chris told me what happened when I saw some of his drawings and then I understood why I had flashes of holding him close, or being surrounded by water." He opens his eyes and gazes out the window again, at the moving images of a city he doesn't know. "And I- I can see Buck's face but I- I don't remember what he said? It's like looking at a movie with muted sound."</p><p>"You know it's Buck's face though?"</p><p>And Eddie realises, perhaps belatedly, why Bobby had been so surprised by the admission. Not because of the tsunami, or the knowledge that Buck had been involved in it with Chris, but because he knew <em>Buck</em>. Buck, who had fallen off the face of the earth this year with everyone he'd met so far. Buck, who hadn't seen his sister since Eddie had been injured even though Buck had evidently lied. Buck, who he's guessing hadn't been in touch with him for almost the whole year even though they'd seemed incredibly close last year.</p><p>"I have photos of him on my phone," he lies, and it almost sounds believable. "Once I knew he was my emergency contact and I saw some of the photos, I put the pieces together." He's pleased at how quickly he develops a cover but he forgets that he works with Bobby. And Bobby doesn't have amnesia. Bobby <em>knows</em> him. Bobby probably knows what Eddie's like when he lies and sees through him like he's a pane of glass.</p><p>Thankfully, Bobby lets it go so maybe the excuse is passable. While the drive continues, while he continues to stare at streets and signs and shops and buildings, Eddie continues to mull over Michael's casual use of the word <em>Cap</em> in the hopes he'll unearth why it seems to mean so much to him.</p><p>He zones in and out, not sure where they are but he can tell when they reach Downtown LA simply because the buildings loom above them and there are more people in suits bustling along streets. It reminds him of Austin, although they don't have to drive over bridges, and at times he feels like he recognises locations. Maybe it's because they're famous landmarks, or he's seen them in a movie, but some of the streets seem more familiar than others. He just lacks the concrete memories attached to the places and-</p><p>Bobby makes a left turn and something explodes behind Eddie's eyes.</p><p> </p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>His fingers are fumbling at his belt before he realises that's dangerous. "S-Stop-"</p><p>"Eddie?"</p><p>"S-Stop the- I- I n-need-" He forces his hands away from the belt to run through his hair and poke at his eyes. Bobby smoothly pulls over and though he has a fight with his crutches and the buckle and the weight of the cast, Eddie doesn't hesitate to throw open the door and almost hurl himself onto the footpath. The car feels too small and he can't breathe, can't think, can't function, can't-</p><p>Once he's out of the car, he can hear the noise of the city clearer. There's a deep hum beneath it all, like an electrical generator whirring close to his ear, but there's also the faint wail of sirens and the toot of horns and the <em>click</em> of heels on the sidewalk and the chatter of people on phones. There are people with their heads bent together, immersed in a conversation, and people who brush past him as he stumbles on the crutches, and a cyclist whizzes by, bell chiming to force people out of his way.</p><p>And Eddie's deaf to all of it, blind to his surroundings as his breath stutters in his chest. His heart thumps fresh scratches into his ribcage, and his stomach clenches agonisingly around the breakfast he'd managed to consume. He grips at the crutches, hobbling a handful of steps until his back hits the glass wall of a building. He tips his head back and stares at the blue sky threaded with wisps of white clouds far, far above and gasps around the terror that circles his torso and squeezes his heart towards his throat as too many things crash into him at once and he struggles beneath the vivid imagery of lights, and sirens, and blood, and pain, and dirt, and screaming.</p><p>"Eddie?"</p><p>He shakes his head, scrunching his eyes so that he doesn't end up crying in front of Bobby, but he's trembling so violently that he doesn't feel sturdy with the crutches either and he feels like the world is spinning beneath his feet and he can't stand, not like this, not when the plaster is pulling him off-balance and when he's barely capable of remembering where he is.</p><p>"Michael, can you-"</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>There are hands beneath his arms and for a moment he recoils against them, too lost in the nightmare that's unfolding behind his eyes, but the hands are more insistent as they shift him. He's not sure how long it takes before he realises he's sitting on the ground and that there's a tiny hand in his. He coughs around the unsteady breathing, around the rawness in his throat. He looks down and spies Christopher silently tucked beneath his arm, fidgeting with a phone he doesn't recognise.</p><p>"M-Mijo?"</p><p>"Hi," Chris says, turning his big hazel eyes upward and squeezing Eddie's hand. "Michael thought hugging me might help you. Are you okay?"</p><p>He's not, and he can't even pretend that he is, and his son is smart enough to know that too. Still, he presses a kiss to Christopher's hair and inhales the lingering scent of shampoo and soap and whatever is unique to his kid to settle him further. He can't tell how long he's been unconsciously clutching his kid, how long he'd been seeing images dance across his eyes of the helicopter crashing, of Humvees overturning in front of him, of a blurry person trapped beneath a red truck, of tasting the sour tang of fear that leaves him feeling so badly chilled he's shivering.</p><p>"Te quiero," he whispers, because he's not sure of a lot but he's sure of that.</p><p>Chris hums against him, smiling serenely like his father didn't just meltdown in the middle of a street. "Love you too, Dad."</p><p>When Eddie thinks he's gotten enough control over his breathing and heart rate to do more than simply sit there, he peers around him and spies Michael sitting on the other side of the building's entrance with Harry. He frowns, looking for Bobby, but the car is also gone from the street.</p><p>He lifts one of his crutches to gain Michael's attention and the man clambers to his feet with Harry in tow. "How're you doing?"</p><p>Eddie's smile is brittle, his eyes drifting to the intersection and feeling a shudder ripple down his spine. He's not certain if something bad happened on <em>that</em> corner or maybe just somewhere in the middle of LA, but he hasn't remembered something so viscerally terrifying in weeks. "Sometimes remembering things isn't all it's cracked up to be."</p><p>"Neither is living it," Michael says and Eddie tilts his head in acknowledgement and agreement. "Bobby's criss-crossing streets and said to call him when you were…calmer. Do you want me to call him?"</p><p>Eddie nods and Chris hands the phone over to Michael, who wanders away.</p><p>Harry hovers uncertainly, fingers tucked into the pockets of his jeans. The bright grin of earlier has faded, replaced with something afraid and uncertain. "That was- Does that happen a lot?" Harry asks and Eddie's eyes drop to where Chris is still staring up at him, so trusting and adoring. He can't help but cradle his kid's cheek and press a kiss to his forehead.</p><p>"Sometimes," he concedes, glancing between Harry and Chris. Harry's lips press together and Chris' eyes waver over his face. "I'm sorry if I scared you, buddy."</p><p>Chris reaches out his spare hand and pats his cheek, a small dimple in his cheek from the smile that drifts over his face. "You're gonna be okay, kid."</p><p>Eddie's lips quirk and he catches Chris' wrist, kissing the palm and then, when Chris giggles and squirms, starts placing noisy kisses over his knuckles and blowing raspberries on random spots up his arm.</p><p>"Noooo!" Chris pleads through his laughter, and it's impossible for Eddie not to smile. His kid's joy helps draw him away from the brink of his distress and helps fortify the bubble of emotions that he can't dissect with so many people around him. He desperately wants to call or text Buck, but he's not sure he can do that either. He's not sure he knows what words to use and he's not sure if Buck would even respond. Yet waiting until he gets home sounds torturous.</p><p>Bobby's car rolls to a stop in front of them a short time later and Michael's strong enough to lift Eddie back to his feet. Harry passes the crutches over and with Michael's help, he manages to get inside the car while Bobby helps Chris buckle in. It's not until he's inside the car that he realises his hands are still shaking. He folds them tightly together in his lap.</p><p>"Whenever you want to talk about it, let me know," Bobby murmurs as he pulls back into the stream of traffic. Eddie merely nods, sealing his lips shut because now isn't the time when Chris is in the backseat and because he still feels so raw around the edges, so absolutely shredded emotionally, that he's not sure if he could find the words.</p><p>Michael adopts the role of tour guide shortly after, pointing out some of the landmarks that Bobby drives past in a curiously posh tone that makes Chris and Harry laugh. Sometimes Chris asks about a detail and other times Harry excitedly mentions something Eddie doesn't understand, but Eddie's thoughts keep drifting to an explosion, and a truck overturning, and his terror over Buck's safety. He's not exactly why he keeps returning to <em>Buck</em> but he has to be important.</p><p>He tunes back into his surroundings and guesses they're heading south from the positioning of the sun. Something fuzzes in his memory when they stop at a red light and he peers closer at the street signs. "Where are we?"</p><p>"Near Halifax and Beverly," Bobby says, glancing at him. "The Farmer's Market and Grove are ahead."</p><p>The Grove… It jangles something. "Can we stop there?"</p><p>"Interested in doing some shopping?" Michael teases but Eddie shakes his head, knowing there's something important that he's missing. Bobby makes another left turn and then a right, and soon he's pulling into a parking lot. It doesn't seem special and yet, somehow, Eddie knows it is.</p><p>To anyone who looks at them, he imagines they must make quite the odd group. Five males wandering around, with Eddie on crutches because of an obviously broken leg. Chris is also on crutches, but moving confidently. Bobby and Michael keep hovering nearby in case one of them starts to look unsteady. Harry keeps skipping ahead to guide the way into the shopping area. Between Eddie and Chris' difficulties, it's probably painfully slow for Bobby, Michael and Harry but they don't complain as they amble around the small garden area and some stalls. Eddie looks around, and looks again, and when he reaches the fountain he pauses and stares and blinks.</p><p> </p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>"I- I've been here before," he says, a frown as he sorts through memories while water jets fine streams into the air and various kids cluster around to point phones at the fountain. "It was…colder. Night-time?"</p><p>He realises Michael and Harry have continued walking but Chris is on one side and Bobby's on the other. Both are gazing at him and he tries not to shrink under their expectant gazes. It's always disconcerting how quickly everyone starts to hope he'll remember more, or remember everything.</p><p>"I- I don't know," he mumbles, struggling to place disjointed pieces of memory into something that makes sense. He still wants to contact Buck and- "I was here with Buck," he says slowly and when he looks at Chris, his son looks hopeful so he guesses he's on the right track. Which also makes him start to realise how many parts of his life must be intertwined with Buck and adds to his confusion about why Buck seems to have become so alienated from everyone this year.</p><p>"That's good, Dad," Chris says, prodding at his foot with one of his crutches to keep him present. "D'you remember why we were here with Buck?"</p><p>He presses his lips together, wishing he could claw open his skull so it would reveal the secrets that seem to lurk so close and yet constantly just beyond reach. It's infuriating and he can feel a spark of anger coil inside his chest at the unfairness of it all.</p><p>"Why were we here with Buck, Dad?" Christopher repeats and he looks again at his surroundings and then down at his son.</p><p>"You were here too?"</p><p>Chris nods and Eddie balances carefully on the crutches so he can run fingers through blond curls and against the back of Chris' neck, trying to place Buck <em>and</em> his son in this location. It helps anchor him, helps keep the burst of fury at bay, but he still can't remember. He's not sure if he was here before or after Shannon died. He can't remember why they came. He can't remember what they all would have talked about.</p><p>"I don't remember, mijo," he whispers and Chris smiles at him anyway, like he's done a good job even though he's remembered so little.</p><p>"That's okay. D'you wanna keep walking?"</p><p>He lets Chris follow Michael and Harry further ahead, and Bobby is an absolute saint in inching along beside him at a far slower pace.</p><p>"I wish I could remember more," he admits, chewing his lip when he feels the weight of Bobby's eyes keep looking towards him. "It's worse than a movie on mute. It's like you get flashes of a scene and then half the movie gets skipped and then you get more flashes from a different film with different actors and <em>everything </em>is silent and you don't know how it fits together."</p><p>"You remember more than you did when you woke up though," Bobby points out, sounding like Gus when he texts Eddie to look through his journal at all the pieces he's recalled. But it's not <em>enough</em>. His son is constantly looking at him for memories and answers. It's not enough when his son is confiding in <em>Maddie</em> that he's afraid rather than talk to his father. "Eddie, you suffered a serious traumatic brain injury and were lucky to survive. You know it'll take time."</p><p>"How <em>much</em> time?" he snaps, the tether concealing his emotions unravelling. He thumps at an abandoned bottle with the end of one of his crutches and it skitters along the concrete among various pairs of feet, bouncing along the trolley tracks embedded in the street. "Maybe I'll <em>never</em> get it all back, Bobby. Maybe I'll never remember everything. I already know I probably won't ever be able to go back to work with you and <em>then</em> what am I good for, Bobby? What am I if I can't work? What am I if I'm just <em>useless</em> and- and I-"</p><p>Bobby's hand closes around his shoulder, forcing his tirade to a stop. He forces Eddie's surly glare to meet a look of calm confidence that accompanies a tone he's never heard Bobby use before. "You're not the first person that's said something like that to me, and I imagine you won't be the last," he says, slow and determined. "You know who you are, even without all your memories. You're a father, and a friend, and a brother, and a-"</p><p>Eddie shakes his head, glancing towards Christopher continuing to walk down the street in pursuit of Harry. "That's not <em>work</em>, Cap. That just shows who I am in relation to everyone else."</p><p>He doesn't realise he's used Michael's term until he feels Bobby's fingers dig in a little tighter. And it's… Saying Cap feels natural, like saying Bobby, in the same way that Evan had sounded wrong when the nurse had told him his emergency contacts.</p><p>"I have faith, son," Bobby says gently. "I have faith and I believe your relationships are more important than any job. You will work again, maybe not with us, but you <em>will</em> find something else. And we will all be there, every step of the way, because we're a family, Eddie, and that's what family does."</p><p>Eddie's not sure if he has any faith left, nor is he sure if he trusts Bobby's judgement, or the claims about being a family, but he nods anyway because he <em>wants</em> to believe it. He resumes the tedious hopping through the street in pursuit of his kid and spends the rest of the afternoon adventure quietly turning over all the new shards of information and seeing if anything else becomes apparent.</p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><div class="center">
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    <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>No specific Buck this chapter but.......an important one nonetheless for recovery progress. I grew to love Bobby so much in this but also Michael? Can he just be more of a sweetheart?? And the sweet bean of Christopher?? My heart just cannot.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,546<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>He can't find the words to text Buck until the next day when Chris is colouring at the kitchen table, and then he's tapping at the screen and sending the messages in rapid succession before he can second-guess himself.</p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em>u have an extraordinary ability 2 survive<br/>im sorry if my comment abt ur leg was painful<br/>y did we go to the Grove?</em>
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</blockquote><p>He stares at the texts for a long time afterwards, wondering if they seem as ineffectual to Buck as they do to him. He waits for the three dots to appear, wondering whether Buck is staring at his phone, or if he's working, or if he's ignoring the messages. Buck still hasn't replied to his messages from a week ago and it worries him that maybe he's said or done something so unforgivably wrong again that Buck has tried to erase him.</p><p>His only comfort is that the messages haven't popped up with an 'undeliverable' status which at least means Buck hasn't changed his number again.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>He leaves Chris with his colouring and ventures to one of the chairs outside, his stomach in knots as he dials his mother's number again. The memories he'd had yesterday made his decision clear but he still felt a lot of anxiety about telling her.</p><p>The phone rings for so long he almost doubts she's going to answer but then she does, sounding slightly out of breath. "Eddie?"</p><p>"Hey, I- Uh- Is it a bad time?"</p><p>"No, I was just out in the garden and had to run inside." She audibly heaves some deeper breaths and he's not sure whether it helps him relax or just amps him up more. "It- It's good to hear from you, sweetheart. How are you?"</p><p>He fidgets with the hem of his t-shirt. "I've- I've remembered bits and pieces," he says carefully, listening to her voice catch in obvious hope.</p><p>"Oh?"</p><p>"I'm not coming home to El Paso," he says in a rush, aching at how he has to deflate her excitement so quickly. "I'm- I know LA doesn't exactly feel like home right now but there are memories here that maybe I can recover. There are <em>people</em> here who are willing to help me recover. I- I can't just leave all that."</p><p>She sighs and his eyes slip closed, knowing that disappointed sigh from too many childhood shenanigans that got out of hand. "But <em>we</em> are your family, Eddie. We can take care of you <em>and</em> Christopher."</p><p>"I know you <em>can</em>," he says, fighting to keep his breathing even, fighting to remember that this is the right decision to make. "But this is where I want to be. We have a life here and even if I don't remember it all, then I can still remember what happened yesterday, and last week. We can make a new life."</p><p>"Eddie-"</p><p>"Please, Mama," he says, his voice breaking. He tries to shove it away, tries to swallow around all the tangles in his guts that squeeze the air from his lungs. "I want to be <em>here</em>. I need you to understand that."</p><p>"I do, baby," she murmurs, and he can't deny that it sends a rush of emotion through him that makes his eyes prickle and his fingers tremble. "If Los Angeles makes you happy, I can't force you to return here. You're old enough to decide what's best for you and Christopher."</p><p>He feels like there's a <em>but</em> hanging off the end of that sentence, and he waits a really, <em>really</em> long time for her to continue. When she doesn't, he realises she's essentially giving her blessing for him to stay and, perhaps, trying to put to bed the discomfort that has stretched between them since he woke up.</p><p>"Thank you," he whispers and she hums, and he can almost imagine the small, contented smile and sparkle in her eyes.</p><p>"Jag älskar dig, min älskade son."</p><p>His lips twitch into a small smile. "I love you too, Mama."</p><p>When the call ends, he considers texting or calling Gus before resolving that it's Sunday. The call with his mother went better than he ever could have expected and it frees a lot of the tension from his chest, the weight on his mind, and the swirling sickness in his gut. He doesn't need Gus right now. He's already got everything he needs to keep him settled for the day and he was sitting at the kitchen table with a bunch of markers.</p><hr/><p>His phone buzzes on Wednesday as he finishes lunch. He'd been thumbing through news reports so when it vibrates, he almost drops the phone to the table in fright. When he sees Buck's name across the top of the screen, he drags at the slider and lifts the phone to his ear.</p><p>"Hey," he says after a long pause where it seems Buck isn't going to be the first to break it. He bites his bottom lip, scratching a nail against the table when he hears the unsteady exhale on the other end.</p><p>"Hi." Buck sounds small and nervous and Eddie closes his eyes, as if that might help him focus better on the nuances in Buck's tone and jog some part of his memory into recognising what Buck might be thinking or feeling.</p><p>"How are you?" He wonders if it's his imagination that he hears Buck sniff, the faintest of unsteady breaths hissing over the line.</p><p>"I-" Buck hesitates, labouring over his words. "I'm sorry I- I haven't texted you."</p><p>Eddie shakes his head. "You're not under any obligation to reply, Buck. It's okay."</p><p>"No, it-" Buck clears his throat and Eddie wishes he could actually see the other man. Listening doesn't provide enough context for what his face looks like, for reflecting how he's doing. Eddie's not ignorant about how Buck didn't answer that particular question. "I- I should do better," he says and it's barely a whisper. Eddie almost misses it except that he's paying such close attention. He adds it to his list of things that make him concerned about Buck which he should pass along to Athena.</p><p>He opens his mouth to ask what Buck means, or to challenge him, to deny it, to insist Buck already does so much. He's afraid, though, that if he pushes Buck to explain himself that he might just push him away.</p><p>"I remember going to The Grove in winter," Eddie says instead, biting the corner of his lip as he dredges up one of the memories that's been bugging him for days, flimsy details around the edges and central pieces missing like always. "I know Chris was there with us. But I- I don't know-"</p><p>"It was my suggestion," Buck interrupts, quiet and sad. "I- I researched it as a place to take Chris and then it- it became a tradition."</p><p>He's halfway through stringing together all the words that come after 'why' when enough pieces fall together that he can make a guess. "It was Christmas?"</p><p>Buck makes a little "Mhm" and it fills Eddie with relief that he has some more information.</p><p>"You- You really care about Chris, don't you?" he says and he can hear the way Buck's breathing catches over the line before he can hide it.</p><p>"Yes," Buck whispers.</p><p>Eddie swallows at the emotion he can hear in Buck's simple, single word. He opens his eyes and looks at the length of the table in front of him, feeling lost and alone. "You should see him. I'm sure he'd love-"</p><p>"You made it clear he didn't want to- to see me anymore," Buck cuts in and there's a strain in his voice that hadn't been there before. Eddie feels a stab of pain in his eyes but he refuses to consider he'll cry at the words. <em>He</em> was responsible for separating Buck and his son? "The message came through Carla but- but it was…clear enough and I- I was s-surprised it…it took that l-long, honestly."</p><p>Eddie swipes a hand over his face, smearing the first drops of tears across his cheeks because hearing Buck breaking down tears his heart into ribbons. He doesn't understand why he would do that. He doesn't understand why Buck would care about Chris and Eddie would pull them apart. He doesn't fucking <em>remember</em> anything and he's so fucking-</p><p>There's the shattering sound of ceramic and he recoils when he realises it was his fault, when the unbidden slam of his fist breaks the plate in front of him. He hears a whimper in his ear and he tries to slow his breathing, tries to focus on Buck reaching out for the first time in more than two weeks before he loses him again.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he says, staring at the scattered pieces of his plate in a diminishing rage that is quickly turning into misery. "I- I'm <em>sorry</em>, Evan. For everything. I-"</p><p>"It was my fault anyway," Buck mumbles and before Eddie can try to correct him, before he can even open his mouth to disagree or ask how it was Buck's fault or what it was that was Buck's fault, the connection clicks and Buck's gone and Eddie's almost tempted to hit redial. Except if Buck wants to shut him out again, pushing might just hasten the process.</p><p>Whatever has developed between them since he woke up, unable to remember anything and Buck was caught visiting him in the hospital, is clearly fragile. He suspects it wouldn't take much to destroy completely.</p><p>And he really, <em>really</em> doesn't want that to happen.</p><p>He realises the shards of his plate have sliced at his hand so he forces himself into the kitchen, fumbling around for some sort of first aid kit to clean himself up before Abuela or Carla bring Chris home. He feels like a mummy, wrapped in bandaging and plaster, and he'll probably have to ask someone to clean up the broken plate for him because he simply can't make that many trips from the table to the bin without either exhausting himself or falling over.</p><p>But he still feels furious and sad and his hands are shaking with all the complicated feelings that he's struggling to process. He doesn't want Chris to see him like this, doesn't want <em>anyone</em> to see him like this, and fumbles a text message to Gus before trying to huddle onto the couch so at least he can't destroy anything else. It's at least half an hour later when his phone buzzes again.</p><p>"Hey, Eddie!"</p><p>His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth. "Hi…"</p><p>"Not doing so well today, I take it?"</p><p>The thin streams of tears he hasn't been able to stop since he laid down were evidence enough of that. "Just- It's not just Chris I let down when I can't remember him properly. It's other people too. My family. My friends."</p><p>"They know though, Eddie. They understand."</p><p>"No, they really don't," he snipes before he forces himself to take a breath. "I know you're trying to help, Gus. I know that's what you're assigned to do. But even <em>you</em> don't understand this."</p><p>Gus' sigh echoes over the line. "You're right, Eddie. I don't know what it's like to go through what you're experiencing," he says gently, like he's trying to lull Eddie's anger into something more subdued, "but you're not the first person I've had with post-traumatic retrograde amnesia and you won't be the last. <em>That's</em> why I'm assigned to you, because I know it feels tough and frustrating and scary but I also know you can create new memories and continue your life and livelihood with those family and friends that you're so worried about failing. I know those family and friends will still love you and support you."</p><p>Eddie squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block out more tears. "What if they get tired of having to explain everything I don't remember?"</p><p>"Oh Eddie." Gus clicks his tongue and a small sob of unstifled anxiety escapes Eddie because he's just so fearful of losing everyone a second time and never being able to grasp the importance of what he'd lost. "Friends come and go all the time, you know that. It's part of life."</p><p>"But…" He thinks about Buck, about his need to keep Buck and Bobby in his life, and the others who have been so kind to him – Athena, Karen, Hen, Maddie, Chim. "I- I don't know what to do…"</p><p>"Have you looked at your journal recently?"</p><p>No. Not since he recorded the slivers of memory he'd had about Buck at the Grove, about a truck overturning, about the mashing up of memories between Los Angeles and somewhere in an Afghani desert.</p><p>"Don't forget there's so much you <em>have</em> remembered," Gus soothes and all Eddie can think is that it's just not good enough.</p><hr/><p>Eddie assumes that Carla must notice his despondency when she collects Chris for school over the next couple of days because the next thing he knows, Bobby shows up at his house every other day to drag him out of his house with little to no warning. Most of the time they sit in a silence that isn't quite comfortable and isn't quite awkward while Bobby drives and Eddie gazes out the window, searching for roads and corners and locations that might spark some recollection.</p><p>"I wasn't at the pier, was I?" he says on one such journey, a week since he'd last heard from Buck and a week since he'd spoken with Gus. He'd debated pushing, sending Buck a text about something inane, but he was still stuck on the fact he'd pulled Chris and Buck apart. He'd considered asking Chris for information about that decision but what if Chris loved Buck too and then Eddie had separated them and his kid blames him too? What if Eddie is responsible for wrecking the best things in his life and he can't even remember it? He's not sure how he'd process those feelings.</p><p>"When the water hit? No," Bobby answers and the way he says it makes Eddie think that's only <em>part</em> of an answer, <em>part</em> of a story, but he nods anyway because he'd already guessed as much. He doesn't feel any trepidation about going near it, no deep-seated fear that makes him queasy.</p><p>"Can- Can we go?"</p><p>Bobby glances at him as he slows for a red light. "You sure?"</p><p>He shrugs, looking across at Bobby with his best attempt at a sarcastic smile. "You got a better suggestion, Cap?"</p><p>Bobby's lips turn up and he checks his mirrors. When the light turns green, he makes a lane change and then turns a corner and Eddie marvels at how easily Bobby is able to navigate the city without checking a map or his phone GPS. "You're getting awfully comfortable using that, you know."</p><p>"It feels right," he mumbles, leaning back in his seat.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"I don't know how to explain it. It's- I asked the nurse to call you as my emergency contact rather than Buck because I- When I said <em>Bobby</em>, it meant something but <em>Evan</em> didn't?" He looks back out the window, at the passing streets, and recalls how many times Abuela has poked at bits he might have remembered that are largely meaningless to him. "It's like I- I figured out that red was Chris' favourite colour or that something stuck in my brain when I saw the name Cameron, without attaching it to anything of significance."</p><p>"That sounds tough," Bobby comments, and Eddie thinks that's probably the understatement of the century. "You had a referral to a therapist, right?"</p><p>Eddie sighs, reaching a hand to his temple and tracing over his hairline like he might be able to heal it with some sort of magical touch. He can feel a bunch of ridges, and a couple of spots still feel raw. "Yeah. Gus. He's- He tries to put things in perspective when I'm feeling overwhelmed by it but- Talking isn't- The military teaches you to bury it."</p><p>"You're not in the service anymore, Eddie."</p><p>"I know that, but…" He tugs at his ear absently, scratches at the hinge of his jaw. Opening up to Bobby scares him more than Gus, but he's not sure why. Maybe because he expects Bobby has the capacity to get everyone else in his life involved. "I'm- I worry that I'm...letting everyone else down because I can't remember enough."</p><p>"Eddie-"</p><p>"I know, Bobby. I know. I've spoken to Gus about it," he continues before Bobby can distract him, looking for a way to reassure Bobby that he's not entirely lost and damaged by his own thoughts. "Some habits or...beliefs are just...tougher to break when you have to be in control of yourself all the time. I need to be in control for Christopher and I-"</p><p>Bobby huffs a quiet laugh which interrupts Eddie's ramblings and draws his eyes towards Bobby. "You said something like that last year," Bobby explains, and Eddie's eyebrows can't decide if they want to rise or frown. He can feel them wiggling on his forehead. "The control thing. It was- Sometimes it's unnerving what you say. You say you don't remember and yet you have the same sorts of thoughts, the same sorts of anxieties."</p><p>Eddie's brow finally decides on furrowing as he watches Bobby navigate the roads. "What was out of control last year?"</p><p>Bobby looks at him, a look that suggests it should be obvious, and it dawns on him without a word even needing to be said.</p><p>"Buck," he says, thinking about the explosion he could remember, the tsunami he had fragments of, Shannon's death, Christopher's fear when talking about the tsunami. "Chris. Shannon. <em>Me</em>."</p><p>"That's not-"</p><p>"What did I do?" he interrupts, his voice wavering and he realises his hands are shaking again in his lap. There's too much fear, uncertainty, irritation, concern. "To be in control? What did I-"</p><p>"Eddie." Bobby's hand reaches across the console to close around his arm, firm but not exactly reassuring as Eddie's thoughts trip over themselves in a desperate attempt to remember the gaps. "Your choices weren't great but you moved past them."</p><p>"I need to know," he pleads, the words cracking as he feels the anxiety of knowing he messed up – <em>badly </em>– swirl within him. Maybe that's why his relationship with Buck became so fraught? Maybe that's why everything changed? Maybe that's why- "P-Please, Bobby, I-"</p><p>"You were fighting," Bobby says, his eyes still on the road even as his fingers circle Eddie's wrist, the pads soft against the inside of his arm. "Illegal rings. There was an...incident. After you got hurt, I wondered if maybe you'd had a ticking time bomb in your head for months, if maybe there was a...a weakness from being hit and concussed so many times that it's why you developed amnesia."</p><p>Eddie opens his mouth to say something before he realises he has no idea what he's meant to say. A sob sticks in his throat while a tear streaks down his face. He still doesn't know what the 'accident' was, still doesn't know how he got so badly injured, but what if Bobby's right? What if he'd ruined his brain because of something absolutely <em>stupid</em>?</p><p>"But- But <em>Christopher</em>?" he sniffles, seizing upon other details that don't add up. "I- Why would I risk <em>him</em>?"</p><p>"I don't know," Bobby admits, squeezing his wrist and then returning his hand to the wheel. "I had the feeling you were in so much pain and you didn't feel like you could reach out to anyone."</p><p>Eddie curls his hands into his chest and promises to give Chris the tightest possible hug when Abuela drops him off this afternoon, the only way he knows how to apologise for possibly ruining his kid forever. "I thought you said Buck made all his life changes this year?"</p><p>"He did?"</p><p>"Then…" Eddie frowns as he tries to recall what he's learned with the odd segments of memories he hasn't understood yet. "Then why didn't I talk to <em>him</em> last year? He must've been important to me, right? To be my emergency contact? Why didn't I reach out to him?"</p><p>"Ah." Bobby nods, the lump in his throat bobbing and a sad smile flickering across his face when he glances at Eddie. "Those are pieces of information I don't think I should be giving to you."</p><p>"<em>Bobby</em>."</p><p>Bobby shakes his head, gaze already returned to the road. "You'll either remember it, or you won't. Last year was an awful year for both of you, Eddie, and maybe not knowing is better than knowing."</p><p>Eddie balls his fists under his chin, a surge of anger making him want to hit something again.</p><p>"I know you want to know," Bobby murmurs, a regretful sigh passing his lips. "Sometimes I find myself thinking that if I'd realised something was wrong earlier, maybe I could've prevented Buck swapping rotations and transferring stations. Maybe we could have been able to talk about it. You're not the only one who thinks he hasn't done enough."</p><p>And Eddie desperately wants to shove his hands into his hair, tug tufts of it out, and scream into a pillow because what had <em>happened</em>? What had he <em>done</em>?</p><p>He sinks into the chair, fixing his wandering attention out the window while tears steadily slide down his face because he's not sure how to stop it.</p><p>When they pass the pier, he has no reaction to it. It's not like the pictures he remembers seeing but he supposes that's because what was there was destroyed by the tsunami. It looks smaller, reinforced with steel rather than timber, and next to the entrance there's a memorial statue which looks like speckled blue glass with a silver plaque embedded in it. But he doesn't react to the pier with fear or nerves, not like Chris had reacted at just the <em>thought</em> they might venture near it.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>They continue driving south along the boulevard and he glimpses the sparkling glint of sunlight on the rippling water as it approaches the shore. He watches some of the waves curl and then crash, spilling white foam against the sand, memories hidden just beyond the reach of the tide.</p><p>"Can we stop somewhere?" he says and Bobby agrees, driving until he chances across a parking spot along the street.</p><p>Eddie presses the crutches beneath his arms and climbs out of the car, hobbling towards the fence and listening to the rush of the water, and the shouts of children playing, and the ring of bicycle bells, and the cry of seagulls soaring above. He blinks away tears as something unravels in his chest, something that aches until it burns, something that has him grabbing at the fence when it threatens to topple him over when fragments start to form a distorted picture.</p><p>"Shannon was pregnant," he whispers in terrified realisation, the breeze sweeping off the water and carrying away his words. He bows his head when he feels the wave of hysteria crest inside him, fingers clenching around the crutches. Shannon was pregnant, and he knew it had to be his kid, and he could've had another child with her. She'd been in Los Angeles with him because he could remember being on the beach with her, the sand beneath his toes while she told him. He could remember staring at a sunset in tears. It has to mean she'd been there recently enough, and it had to mean he'd been in Los Angeles longer than he thought. And he thought he could almost remember Chris playing in the sand, but maybe that had been another occasion. Maybe they came to the beach regularly. Maybe they went to the beach without Shannon. Would Chris want to venture near the ocean after surviving a tsunami?</p><p>Bobby's hand touches his back as he sags under the memory of Shannon's shy confession that she was pregnant, and the devastation ripping through him has an agonising intensity which leaves him struggling for breath.</p><p>"In and out, Eddie," Bobby reminds him but it's too much because the longer he stands there, staring at the ocean and the way the sun shines off it, the more pieces he remembers about…about reading <em>something</em>, something in Shannon's looped handwriting, and crying, and he doesn't remember the words but he remembers the feelings that had shattered him while he'd read it, the feelings that had left him collapsing in on himself which can only mean she had gone and he can't- he <em>can't</em>-</p><p>"Cap," he fucking <em>whimpers</em>, like a child younger than Chris, and Bobby haltingly guides him to one of the bench chairs that line the jogging/cycle track along the beachfront and once he's seated, once he's no longer trying to focus on keeping himself upright with the crutches, the tentative parts of his emotions that he keeps trying to hold together start snapping. His crutches clatter to the ground, abandoned and forgotten, as Bobby's arms wrap around him because he's crying so hard he can't breathe.</p><p>"Let it out," Bobby murmurs, his grip strong. Eddie's ribs protest the sobs, and the twisting, and the thundering of his heart in his chest, but he can't find it in him to stop. "Let it out, Eddie."</p><hr/><p>He's lolling in and out of awareness on the drive home, utterly spent by the worst breakdown he can recall since waking up without any understanding. He manages to text Abuela, begging her to keep Chris overnight.</p><p>She replies with an agreement, asks if he's okay, and he nearly starts crying again. He doesn't want to be alone but he also doesn't want anyone near him like this.</p><p>His fingers tremble as he explains he had some other memories return and just needs a night without Chris.</p><p>She sends a bunch of heart emojis and more silent tears drip down his cheeks.</p><p>"Do you want me to call someone?" Bobby asks as Eddie stares at the front of his house.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"I'm not sure you should be alone, Eddie."</p><p>Neither is Eddie, but he doesn't know who to call. This isn't something he wants to reach out to Karen, or Hen, or Maddie about. Maybe Buck, but whatever is between them after he woke up isn't like that.</p><p>"I need space, Cap," he says, his voice hoarse as he digs his teeth into his bottom lip. "I need to- I need to just have some time."</p><p>Bobby wraps a hand around his arm again in an attempt to offer comfort, and he helps Eddie out of the car and up the stairs. Eddie almost thinks Bobby <em>is</em> going to stay but then he gives one last rub to Eddie's back and grants him the space to enter his house alone. The silence and emptiness is eerie and uncomfortable, and it's even clearer now how few touches there are of Shannon in the house. Had he scrubbed her from every surface to erase her from his heart? Had she even lived here? Had he moved after she died?</p><p>He hobbles through the house, fumbles to get his shoe off, and then sinks into his bed. He burrows among the blankets, and the pillows, and lets more painful sobs rip through his throat.</p><hr/>
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    <em><strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For those who were around while I was writing this, <em>this</em> is the chapter that always brings me to tears. It was this chapter that made me step back and go work on ATO for a while at one point, because Eddie's grief was just...so so strong and I couldn't handle it. Poor bean. I made him hurt badly...</p><p>There is more Buck next chapter, though whether that's a good thing or not you'll have to tell me next week.........</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,432<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>He's still heaving broken sobs at intermittent periods the next morning, clutching a pillow against his chest long after the sun has poked golden tentacles past his curtains. He may have slept for brief snatches of time, exhausting himself with all the crying, but it was restless and he tended to wake himself up with fresh tears each time.</p><p>Distantly, he hears the door click open and he freezes, sniffling and wiping at his cheeks when he hears Carla's voice carry through the corridor.</p><p>"Eddie? Chris? Did you forget to set your alarm again?"</p><p>He hadn't messaged her.</p><p><em>Shit</em>.</p><p>He tries to sit up, tries to swallow away the scratch in his throat. "I'm here," he calls, hearing the click of her shoes as she approaches.</p><p>The smile on her face vanishes when she sees him, evidently appraising his swollen face and haggard appearance.</p><p>"Chris stayed with Abuela last night," he explains and she peels off her shoes to leave them by the door.</p><p>"Oh baby," she coos, scooting onto the bed and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. She guides him to lay his head on the pillow again beside her. "Has it been like this all night?"</p><p>He nods, a fresh stab of hurt flaring through him because he can't imagine this is going to fade any time soon and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He doesn't even know if it's something Gus can help with. He squeezes his eyes shut, a ragged breath passing his lips. He doesn't even know how to answer her.</p><p>Her fingers comb through his hair, nails scraping lightly at his scalp. "It's alright, sweetheart," she murmurs when his control starts to crumble again. "It's alright."</p><p>Carla spends most of the day with him, even though he knows she's only meant to be there to help get Christopher to school. She tries to encourage him to eat half a sandwich, or some soup, but the best he can manage are some sips of water which he's pretty sure just spill out of his eyes a short while later.</p><p>He's not sure why the memories from yesterday are hitting him so hard but he thinks it's because he knows Shannon was pregnant and then she'd died. Maybe this is what Bobby had meant yesterday when referring to Eddie's need to be in control. Maybe this is why everything has been out of control. Maybe he hadn't grieved last year. Maybe he hadn't let himself feel all of this.</p><p>He startles when a tiny hand touches his shoulder and he blinks open eyes that feel like he's rubbed them with sand and glass to look at crinkled hazel eyes behind red glasses.</p><p>"Daddy?"</p><p>He swallows, trying to sit up and opening his arms to Chris. Chris leans his crutches against the bedside table and crawls onto the bed, folding into Eddie's arms and twisting small fingers into his shirt. "Hey, mijo," he whispers, his throat too raw to think about trying to inject any real sound behind his words. He runs his hand through Christopher's curls, presses a kiss to his forehead, and tries to inhale against all the pain of loss and loneliness.</p><p>Chris wraps another set of fingers around Eddie's arm, head tilting back to meet Eddie's eyes. "What happened? What did you remember?"</p><p>His attempt at a smile wobbles at how perceptive his kid is and he has a feeling it's going to cause him problems as Chris gets older. There's movement from the edge of his vision and he glances to the side, catching Abuela and Carla peering past the doorframe. He tries to ignore them in favour of tracing fingertips over the soft curves of Chris' face, soaking in the dimple that appears in Chris' cheek when he smiles shyly. He wishes that smile erased some of the pain his kid keeps going through because of his stupid brain.</p><p>"Some- It was some stuff about your mom," he says, because he's not sure why he should hide that from Chris. Had Chris grieved the loss of his mother? Had they talked about it? Had they seen anyone for it?</p><p>Chris' eyebrows lift in obvious surprise and his eyes turn shiny and his lower lip quivers. "I miss mom," Chris admits and it just about breaks Eddie's trembling grip on his tears all over again.</p><p>"I do too, buddy." He clutches Chris against him, trying to draw comfort from his presence, but he can tell that it's failing. When he feels the bed shift and he peers past the blond curls, it's Abuela's hand that smooths through his hair and he starts sobbing again like a child.</p><hr/><p>He's hovering somewhere just beneath the veil of sleep but he still reacts to his phone buzzing, fingers blindly curling around it on the bedside table an hour or two after he'd gotten Christopher to bed. He blinks against the glare of the screen for a moment, the small letters of the message blurry after so long without sleep and so long where all he's done is cry.</p><p></p><blockquote>
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</blockquote><p>He doesn't know <em>how</em> Buck knows that Eddie's falling apart but he evidently does. He's already sent through a "<em>please?</em>" before he can doubt himself for his decision or his desperation. He struggles to sit up, fingers tugging at the t-shirt that he hasn't changed since yesterday. He's not hungry, despite Abuela's attempt to entice him to eat dinner, but the glass of water Carla had left remains by his bed so he sips at it and rubs a hand across his face to try to wake up, or try to get rid of the crust of tears that seem stuck to him, or try to-</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>He tilts his head and frowns, hearing the scrape of a key in his front door for the second time that day. He scrabbles for the crutches beside the bed, lifting himself to his feet and limping to the door of his room to peer warily down the hall.</p><p>"Buck?" he breathes when the unmistakably tall and broad shadow shuts and re-locks the door behind him, toes off shoes, discards keys on the table by the door with a muted jangle. He can feel his heart shuddering around emotions again as Buck easily moves through the corridor towards him, like he knows the layout of Eddie's house so well he doesn't need to flick on any lights.</p><p>"Hey," Buck murmurs, like he hasn't been a distant figure for weeks, like he hadn't hung up in obvious distress more than a week ago and then vanished again. He trembles when he feels Buck's knuckles drag down his cheek, shutting his eyes to the intimacy of the action that he doesn't feel he deserves. Everything he's trying to piece together about his life seems to suggest he'd hurt Buck somehow, maybe shutting him out with all the street fighting, or amidst his grief about Shannon, and it had driven a wedge between them. "C'mon, Eds. Let's get you back to bed."</p><p>Buck slings an arm around his waist and guides him the handful of hops back to the mattress. Eddie's not sure what he expected once he managed to get himself situated but Buck settles against him, folding one hand into Eddie's and brushing the other through his hair and down to the nape of his neck.</p><p>He sniffles, breath hitching, because he knows he doesn't deserve Buck's gentle kindness. He doesn't deserve Buck's care and warmth.</p><p>"How'd you know?" he whispers, fighting to retain the urge to speak when all he wants to do is cry again. In the limited streetlight spilling through his curtains, he thinks he glimpses a twitch of Buck's lips.</p><p>"Abuela called and said I needed to be here." Buck's thumb rubs circles into the back of his neck, which helps reduce some of the overwhelming urge to cry for the first time in more than twenty-four hours. He wonders if Buck knew how to do that, how to disarm his emotions so easily, or it was just a lucky guess.</p><p>And then he remembers Buck's words.</p><p>"<em>Abuela</em>?"</p><p>Buck hums in obvious amusement, fingers squeezing over the curve of Eddie's neck and shoulder and then returning to skimming through his hair. "Got my number off Carla, apparently. And you don't argue with Abuela, Eds."</p><p>Eddie huffs around the smallest of laughs, tucking Buck's hand closer to his chest simply because he can, simply because he never wants to let go. The tranquillity that starts to settle over him because of Buck's presence is as foreign as it is welcome, and the casual affection keeps the devastation at bay. He wants to fold into Buck's arms, huddle against the breadth of his chest and inhale deeply, but that's probably too much, probably too far.</p><p>"So Shannon, huh?" Buck prompts, his tone making it clear he cares, that he wants to get Eddie talking. Eddie thinks the tension that fills his muscles would be visible from the moon. Buck must feel it too because his hand returns to the back of Eddie's neck, massaging lightly, eking out some of the hurt from his soul again.</p><p>"Did- Did you know she was pregnant?" He can tell by the way Buck's breathing shifts that he didn't.</p><p>"Shit, Eddie…"</p><p>He can't stop the fresh tears that start to silently trickle down his face. "I just- I- I don't know how to deal with all these- these pieces of the past that I've probably already dealt with before but-"</p><p>"I don't think you have." Buck's hand is steady against his skin, his voice quiet but determined. "Last year was- A lot happened right after Shannon died and it- I'm not sure you gave yourself the chance to process it because then there were other things to deal with."</p><p>The ball of pain that has sat inside his chest since yesterday rattles at Buck's words. He remembers the shift in the text messages that he'd read, the way any life and happiness in Buck's words had been extinguished soon after promising to be there for Eddie.</p><p>"There was a bombing," he says, muddling his way through memories to put them into some sort of sequence, realising he'd had so many pieces but didn't know how to organise them into a timeline. "You got hurt."</p><p>"You- You remembered that?"</p><p>Eddie nods, squeezing Buck's hand against his chest when he feels it tremble, hears the way Buck's breathing shortens. "Bobby was driving through the city and turned a corner and it all just- I could remember all the- the terror and the rage and the worry about needing to get you away from a truck and to safety." He bites the edge of his lip, tries to remember how to breathe in and then exhale regularly. "It was- My clearest memory is…is what I thought landed me in hospital in the first place and it- I can't really separate the two."</p><p>"Afghanistan?"</p><p>He hiccups and Buck hushes him, the lightest graze of lips against his forehead as he presses closer to hold Eddie tighter. "Did I- Did I ever tell you?"</p><p>"No." Buck's thumb drags circles around some of his knuckles. "I know you won a Silver Star but you never-"</p><p>"I did?" Fuck, why can't he just <em>remember</em> this?</p><p>"Yeah, Eds. So we all knew it had to have been some pretty bad shit and we never pressed," Buck explains and Eddie tucks his head against Buck's shoulder, seeking more comfort even though he's still convinced he doesn't deserve it. There's a safety with cuddling against Buck, an overwhelming awareness that he can trust Buck to protect him and keep him calm. "D'you… How much have you remembered about the bombing?"</p><p>"Just…flashes, or… It's like impressions?" he says, feeling the soft puffs of Buck's breath against his forehead. "There were a lot of lights?"</p><p>Buck snorts. "Yeah, it made the news."</p><p>"Wait, really?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>That means he could Google it, like the tsunami, but…was that cheating? Was that giving him false recollections? Maybe if he understood what had happened, he could better understand what had created the gulf between him and Buck and start trying to fix it…</p><p>"So you said a lot happened. Was the tsunami- It was later?"</p><p>"A few months," Buck confirms, and Eddie starts to gather a better picture of the sequencing, and how Bobby had said he'd been searching for control last year with the fighting. If Shannon had just died, and then Buck had been badly injured, then Eddie wouldn't have known how to process properly or who to go to when he started falling apart. Then the tsunami would've engulfed his son and Buck in terror and forced him to cover more of how he felt. All he can do is shake his head slightly, unwilling to cry more.</p><p>"Has this year been- been better?" he says before realising Buck's not been in his life enough this year to know the answer to that.</p><p>"Are you forgetting how <em>you</em> nearly died this year?" Buck points out and he closes his eyes at that because it's another thing he doesn't remember, another detail he's not familiar with yet, but it's a comment he's heard enough times to be freaked out by it. "Sorry, that was insen-"</p><p>"It's okay." He tilts his head into Buck's hand against his neck and noses gently at the inside of his arm. He can hear the catch in Buck's breathing even if he doesn't fully understand why. "I feel like I have so many more things I need to apologise for than you, even if I don't remember all of the reasons."</p><p>"Eddie-"</p><p>"No, I mean it." He releases Buck's hand so he can place his palm against Buck's chest, feeling the soft cotton of whatever shirt he's wearing, the thump of his heart, and it stifles the protest. "I know- I know I'm a mess right now, Buck, and I know everything is broken between us and in my head but I- I keep thinking about how I kept Chris from you? That's- And I don't understand how or why I'd do that. You're one of my emergency contacts at the hospital, you come over and hold me together when I'm falling apart and I- I know you're important to me. I know you <em>matter</em> and-"</p><p>"<em>Eddie</em>." Buck's voice cracks and Eddie hesitates, fearing that trying to piece together his thoughts was just breaking the two of them further. "Please, I- This isn't about me. It's about you, and Shannon, and-"</p><p>"But it <em>is</em> about you," Eddie counters, gripping the fabric covering Buck's chest in his fingers and wishing he could hold onto his memories with such certainty. "Shannon's <em>dead</em> and you're <em>alive</em>, Buck. I don't know what happened between us but you have to realise you're the only person in my life I'd want to be here right now and-"</p><p>"No-" Buck sniffles, his hands loosening even as Eddie holds on tighter because he's not letting this go, he's not letting Buck pull away from him again and vanish for another two weeks. "Eddie-"</p><p>"<em>Listen</em> to me." He clings to Buck with all the strength he has left in his diminishing muscles, fully prepared to hold on even if Buck tries to stand up and shake him off. "<em>Please</em>, Evan. I need you to know I'm sorry I wasn't there. You <em>saved</em> Christopher's life but maybe you needed Chris or me this year and we weren't there to see that <em>you</em> needed saving and-"</p><p>"I <em>loved</em> you," Buck bursts out, the words so surprising and sudden that the determined shove he gives finally forces Eddie's hands to release him. Eddie's frozen, eyes wide and staring into the shadowy darkness that Buck moves around in. He doesn't flee the room though, so Eddie tries to take that as a small positive because Buck can move faster than him. His car would've left the driveway before Eddie had even made it to his bedroom door.</p><p>Tentatively, he reaches for the lamp on the bedside table and they both squint against the light but at least he can see Buck. He can see the way his hands are folded under his armpits, and his shoulders are hunched, and his eyes are shaded with fatigue. The grey hoodie makes him look even more sad and defeated, and Eddie just wants to reach out and erase the pain in his expression.</p><p>If nothing else, Buck's confession – involuntary though it may have been – confirms what Eddie's been suspecting since he'd started learning who Buck was to him: Eddie was to blame for Buck's absence this year.</p><p>He hesitates as he looks at Buck, terrified that he's going to say the wrong thing and Buck will leave. And he wouldn't be surprised if he changed his number again and moved to a new state and Eddie never saw him again. He wouldn't be surprised and maybe it's what he deserved.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he whispers, because it's all he has, because it's all he thinks that even matters. He tries to sit up, tries to rub a hand over his exhausted face and process all the conflicting emotions and fragments of memories that make him feel like he should just rip himself into shreds. "Buck, I'm so-"</p><p>"You just walked away," Buck says, gesturing at him even though his gaze is on the floor, his brows drawn together as his shoulders quiver. And maybe seeing Buck crumple is worse than anything else. Maybe seeing how Buck had held onto his pain for <em>so</em> many months, seeing how Buck can cover up how he feels in so many layers… Eddie had thought Buck and Maddie wore their emotions on their sleeve, ready to be pierced by anyone, but he was wrong. Buck wears his heart on his sleeve but conceals all his feelings deep inside. "You just <em>left</em> and I was- I'm- I- I know I w-wasn't enough but I thought maybe… A-Anyway I w-was wrong and you… I- I'm…"</p><p>Eddie curses his inability to just get to his feet and easily walk over to Buck, to draw Buck into his arms and take away all the hurt and the anxiety that clearly rattle his frame, but he starts moving anyway because he can't bear to think he just <em>sits</em> there while Buck dissolves in front of him.</p><p>"<em>I </em>was wrong," he insists, prepared to cut his own leg off if that meant being able to get to Buck easier. He wobbles to his feet with one crutch, limping the small distance of his bedroom floor towards where Buck is folded into a corner. "You <em>are</em> enough, Evan. Everything I know you've done for me and Chris? Every way you've cared for me since I woke up?" He reaches a hand towards Buck's face, index finger catching beneath his chin to draw the shimmering blue eyes upwards. "I was a fool to let you think you didn't matter to me."</p><p>Buck hiccups and his eyes dart away when tears spill free, but he doesn't pull back from Eddie's touch. Eddie cautiously curves his fingers against Buck's jaw, thumb skimming over his cheek, and watches as Buck's expression falters. The way his eyelashes flutter against the touch is both new and familiar to Eddie and he aches for all the other times he might have provided comfort, and all the other times he might've broken Buck's heart.</p><p>"I hurt you," he says, quiet but absolutely confident that he probably shattered Buck and he can't fathom how or why Buck has come back into his life after that. It increases his belief that he doesn't deserve Buck. "I don't know how I could ever walk away from you but that version of me obviously didn't appreciate you enough and I apologise for it. I'll apologise a thousand million times until the end of my life."</p><p>Buck looks at him with such vulnerability, such pain, that it steals Eddie's breath from his lungs. "What… What happens if you get your m-memories back and remember w-why I didn't-"</p><p>His thumb touches Buck's lips, stopping the words before they can taint the room even further. "Whatever I remember from <em>before</em> won't erase what I've learned <em>after</em>," he says, his determination to make Buck believe him overwhelming.</p><p>He watches the way Buck's brow furrows, the way he obviously tries to reconcile his emotional turmoil of the past with whatever half-assed attempt at an apology Eddie is making in the present. He notes the way Buck shivers at the finger on his lips, the way blue eyes drop towards his hand, and he realises too late what Buck had meant by <em>loving</em> him. He'd obviously felt so much more than just being <em>friends </em>and Eddie feels his heart stutter at the realisation. He watches Buck's throat bob, the way his eyes drift back to Eddie's face, and the fear in Buck's expression should scare the hell out of him because he knows he has to be the reason why it's there and he doesn't know what he's meant to say to get rid of it or fix any of this.</p><p>"What- Will you- Will you tell m-me what you've learned?" Buck says, his voice as fragile as glass and Eddie wonders if the way his heart pounds against his chest, the way his skin has to be shifting with each brutal pulse against his ribcage, is visible to Buck's eyes.</p><p>He smiles tentatively, slowly dragging his thumb off Buck's lip and back to brushing over his cheekbone. "All I know is- is that I feel better when you call or you text or you show up," he says, uncertain if it's enough as he gazes back at Buck and tries to remain steady on the crutch. "Whatever I eventually remember, or whatever I never regain… I can't see how feeling better with you in my life will change, Buck."</p><p>Buck stares at him, his eyes flicking back and forth like he's searching for, and Eddie's not sure what it is and he wants to ask but…he's not afraid of being assessed, he's not afraid to expose how little he knows about who he is. He <em>is</em> afraid Buck might turn and flee, or that Buck might kick the crutch from under his arm which leaves him so off-balance he breaks the other leg, but he's not afraid of Buck glimpsing how much he means to Eddie – mostly because Eddie still feels like he doesn't consciously <em>know</em> Buck because of his fragments of memories and at the same time he <em>does</em>, he knows Buck's presence all the way down to how Buck is engraved in his bones and etched in his heart in ways deeper than any conscious memory. The ways he wants Buck in his life, the feelings he has to reach for him all the time, are completely different to the thoughts he has towards Bobby, or Carla, or Hen, or Maddie, or anyone else he's meant. There's a sense of security and peace, a confidence and a desire that he's not sure how to articulate. He's not afraid to want Buck even though there are massive gaps in his memories.</p><p>He's so focused on staring at Buck that he notices the split-second way Buck's eyes drop to his mouth, the smallest lapse in his concentration, and for a moment it feels like the crutch might've been kicked out from under him anyway.</p><p>"Buck…" he breathes and Buck's eyes snap towards him again, and there's a horrified crumpling in his expression as he tries to pull away. "Hey, no. Don't- I'm not-"</p><p>"I know," Buck mumbles, trying to shake Eddie's grip off him. "I know I can't. I- I shouldn't- I-"</p><p>But Eddie holds on tighter, almost using his hold on Buck as a second crutch to hobble closer. Buck's eyes widen because he's not an idiot, and Eddie knows what he's doing.</p><p>"Eds-" Buck shakes his head, even as Eddie deliberately drags his thumb across Buck's mouth and catches at his bottom lip, watching the way Buck shudders and the rise of his chest shortens when he tugs it free of his teeth. "Eddie, you don't- You didn't w-want this."</p><p>He snorts, as unbecoming as it is, and smiles wryly at Buck's agitated expression. "You're not gonna believe this, but I don't remember."</p><p>Buck has been so still that the way he starts shaking with laughter quickly sets Eddie off too, destroying at least some of the tension and anxiety in Buck's eyes. Buck's lips have tilted in a hesitant smile and his eyes seem to have lightened slightly, up until the point that he traces his thumb over Buck's birthmark and down the curve of his nose and some of the amusement fades and gets replaced with something that seems desperate in other ways.</p><p>"Eres hermoso, querido," Eddie murmurs, and Buck's nose scrunches. "Quiero besarte y sé que quieres besarme," he says, gaze fixed on Buck even as the other man's hands cup his cheek and tug at his waist to hold him still because he's undoubtedly wobbling on the crutch. "¿Es esto lo que salió mal la última vez?"</p><p>"<em>Eddie</em>," Buck whimpers, somewhere between a whine and a warning. "That's not <em>fair</em>. You can't start hiding behind <em>Spanish</em>."</p><p>The corner of Eddie's lips twitch into a smile, his eyebrow raised in a silent challenge even though he's not actually sure what he's issuing. He can tell Buck's resolve is faltering. And Eddie's okay with that if it means he can make amends for some epic fuck-up in the past, if it convinces Buck he truly cares and needs him to stick around.</p><p>"No me estoy escondiendo," he says slowly, memorising the look in Buck's eyes which is so much better than the wary and weary ones. Everything feels like it's balancing on a knife's edge, like one wrong move, one wrong step, and he could tumble into the abyss. If using Spanish was a way to talk to Buck, to keep him here rather than send him away, maybe he needed to use it more often. "Perdóname por todo lo que he hecho."</p><p>Eddie uses his grasp against Buck's jaw to tilt his head, lifting his face and feeling the thrum of Buck's pulse beneath his fingertips. He doesn't understand everything he feels but he thinks it's clear Buck is attracted to him and Eddie… He's not naive to feeling some sort of spark, some sort of magnetism, that lures him closer, that makes him wonder what could be.</p><p>He very deliberately lowers his gaze from Buck's eyes to his lips, making sure the look is evident, and watches Buck's lips part around a hitched breath. Then he meets Buck's eyes again and waits, counts off the seconds that are surely among the longest seconds of his life, as Buck hesitates.</p><p>"Evan…" It's barely a breath, barely an exhale, but it seems to spur Buck into action because then he's surrounded by heat. There's a feverish determination in Buck's mouth that he hadn't expected and he hisses slightly when the hand at his waist flexes, tender ribs still unused to touch. Buck must misread the signal because then his tongue is darting over Eddie's lips, teeth nipping at his flesh, and he's pretty sure he nearly loses his balance because his head spins dangerously with a surge of blood and a lack of oxygen. His hand slips from Buck's jaw to his shoulder in search of something more stable, but it seems to break the spell that fell over them because Buck's mouth falls away. At least his hands continue to grasp Eddie so he doesn't fall over.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><p>His heartbeat thunders in his ears and he's not sure which one of them has more erratic breathing when Buck's forehead presses against his, eyes closed as he inhales and exhales in unsteady pants. His lips are so close to Eddie's mouth, and Eddie's sure he can still feel the weight of Buck's tongue against him, that Eddie can't help but steal another kiss. Buck muffles a curse and leans back slightly which throws Eddie further off balance. He clings to Buck's shoulder, the unsteadiness getting worse when his leg starts to shake with the effort to keep him upright.</p><p>"C'mon," Buck mumbles once he realises, guiding him back to sitting on the bed. Eddie sighs at the reduction in pressure on his leg but his hands quickly move to snag at Buck's waist, twisting into the grey hoodie because he's unwilling to let him go now that he has him, now that he knows something is changing and it would be so easy to lose Buck for good. "Eddie, you-"</p><p>"Stay," he pleads, drawing Buck between his legs and frightened he's on the cusp of having Buck flee and then maybe he'll never see him again. "<em>Stay</em>, Evan. Please."</p><p>Buck huffs and helps lift his casted leg onto the mattress and some of the pain recedes. He wants to ask how Buck knows what to do when he remembers Buck would know exactly how heavy the damn thing is. But Eddie's fingers remain curled into Buck's shirt and he tugs the other man onto the bed, trembling faintly when he realises how <em>safe</em> he feels to have someone bigger and broader hovering above him.</p><p>"I can't stay," Buck says, even though the way he says it suggests he wants to do nothing else. His knuckles brush against Eddie's cheek, his weight carefully settled across the mattress. "I- I have to get home and-"</p><p>"Just for a little while?" Eddie doesn't want to think about where Buck lives, that 'home' means Cameron and Cameron brings shadows into Buck's eyes. He doesn't want to think about what Buck feels for Cameron, and that he's interfering in those feelings and that maybe he had his chance and he blew it. He'll hate himself for his selfishness later but right now, Buck's here and Buck's warm and Buck's all he wants. And he needs Buck to know that too.</p><p>He tips his head towards Buck and he can see the indecision, and the muttered resistance, but he can feel the way Buck relents, kissing him until Eddie can't breathe. His tongue and teeth teasing at Eddie's lips, drawing tiny gasps of need. At some point, Eddie's hands steal under Buck's hoodie and his shirt, his fingers napping the grooves of Buck's abdomen, palms feeling the clench of muscles in his belly. He draws a groan from somewhere deep in Buck's chest when his nails scrape along the curve of his spine, dipping into the dimples of his lower back.</p><p>Buck breaks the kiss but only so that he can mouth at Eddie's neck, and his nails dig into Buck's back. Buck's hips twitch against him and he can feel the firm press of jeans against his thin sweatpants. A shiver ripples through him, a moan spilling past his lips because he's not sure how long it's been since he-</p><p>But then Buck's pulling away from him, shaking his head, and it's like a bucket of ice water has been tipped over Eddie. He's not sure if it's the loss of body heat or the way he can physically see Buck folding in on himself, shuttering away his feelings as he stands, that terrifies him most.</p><p>"I <em>can't</em> do this," Buck insists, eyes flashing anywhere but Eddie as he fixes the fabric across his shoulders. Eddie can see the pinked flush in Buck's cheeks, and the red curve of his lips, but his heart is almost certainly blackening into a ground lump of coal in his chest as he watches Buck start to disintegrate in front of him. "I have- I h-have to go and I- I'm sorry but I- I c-can't- I shouldn't have- I- I just- I'm-"</p><p>"I know," Eddie says, the nauseating guilt and horror of how utterly fucking <em>stupid</em> he's just been making him close his eyes while he tries to swallow around fresh sobs. "I <em>know</em>. You have Cameron and I was- Fuck, I shouldn't have done that, Buck. I'm so sorry that I-"</p><p>His words echo in the silence of the empty room when he opens his eyes and Buck has gone, like a ghost.</p><p>There's a slightly-too-loud slam of the front door in the middle of the night that he hopes doesn't disturb Christopher.</p><p>And he knows there's no coming back from this.</p><hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <em><strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Translations (apologies to the Google Translator for inaccuracies......):<br/><em>"Eres hermoso, querido." - You are beautiful, dear<br/>"Quiero besarte y sé que quieres besarme." - I want to kiss you and I know you want to kiss me<br/>"¿Es esto lo que salió mal la última vez?" - Is this what went wrong last time?<br/>"No me estoy escondiendo." - I am not hiding<br/>"Perdóname por todo lo que he hecho." - Sorry for everything I've done</em></p><p> </p><p>..........................and now we run awaaaaaay.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 6,280<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He stumbles through a couple of days in a blur, forcing himself to shower and to make meals for Chris but barely mustering much of an appetite to do anything better than prod at whatever he'd put on a plate. He tries to provide smiles for Chris, tries to cover how he feels like he's been hollowed out and he's now just a husk, but he thinks Chris is smart enough to know he's barely keeping it together.</p>
<p>"Daddy? Can I be a ghost for Bobby and Athena's Halloween party?"</p>
<p>Eddie blinks towards Christopher sitting with his homework in front of him, his tongue poking past his lips as he concentrates on a book report. Eddie sets his phone carefully on the table, having alternated for days between reaching for it and wanting to snap it in half so he can lose Buck's number. He's lost count of how many times he's hovered over <em>Delete Contact</em> like that might somehow make the pain in his chest any easier to bear. He's lost count of how many times he's started thinking he should move back to El Paso, or maybe anywhere else, for a fresh start where he can push Buck out of his mind, and he can let go of whoever he's been with Bobby, and Hen, and Chim.</p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p>Chris' words flicker into his awareness again but then there's something else, something that nags at him. <em>You're just gonna keep, uh, ghosting me?</em></p>
<p>He flinches at the reverberation of Buck's words that don't match anything in front of him, the presence that continues to haunt him and pierce his heart and lungs and stomach at alternating times to make it impossible to breathe.</p>
<p>A tiny hand touches the back of his and he stares at big hazel eyes, struggling to remember how to get oxygen through his system. "Y-Yeah, bud. Of course," he says, shoving the thoughts and feelings and memories and words and pain somewhere deep enough that it can't hurt anymore. "I- I'll ask Abuela to pick up some fabric, okay?"</p>
<p>Chris nods, still staring at him with a maturity he shouldn't have yet. Eddie wishes he could hit himself over the head a few more times until he forgot what it is to feel. He turns his hand over, presses his fingers into the gaps of Chris', and squeezes lightly. "How's your book report looking?"</p>
<p>Chris flashes him a smile and wanders back to the other end of the table to start reading it, and Eddie loses himself in the sound of the words long enough that it helps make other voices in his head fade away.</p>
<p>"Can I draw now?" Chris asks when he finishes reading the report and Eddie nods, reaching for his phone again. It's a weekend, and he shouldn't, but…that was the whole point of this, right? He couldn't control when he gets flashes of memory, and he can't control how it affects him. Gus might disagree but…he's still learning how to handle that.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>today's not a good day</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>The message sits for an hour, then for two, and Eddie adores his kid but it's a struggle to keep him entertained on the weekend when Eddie can't take him anywhere and there's only so many movies he can handle watching. Mostly because he can't concentrate on the stories, his attention lapsing in and out, and by the end of almost half of them he ends up with the dull throb of a headache behind his eyes.</p>
<p>When his phone finally buzzes with a call and he sees who it is, he kisses the top of Chris' head and limps toward his room to mostly close the door for some semblance of privacy.</p>
<p>"Hey, Eddie."</p>
<p>He sits on the edge of the bed, struggling with the waves of despair that keep washing over him. He's barely slept or eaten in days and he's exhausted by his inability to keep any sort of control.</p>
<p>"Hi…"</p>
<p>There's a long pause, weighted with the expectation that he'll start talking, but he can't find the words to explain any of it. He's ashamed, and he's miserable, and he hates himself.</p>
<p>"Why isn't today a good day?" Maddie eventually prompts, gentle and curious. She deserves better, Eddie thinks. She and Buck both do.</p>
<p>"D'you think I should leave?" he asks and she emits a small noise of surprise.</p>
<p>"<em>Leave</em>? What do you mean, <em>leave</em>?"</p>
<p>He shrugs, poking at the hard ridge of the cast beneath the loose sweatpants. "You know. Go somewhere else. Start over. Leave everything behind."</p>
<p>She's quiet for another long pause and then, "Why do you want to leave, Eddie?"</p>
<p>"I don't-" He huffs when he feels a tear roll down his cheek and swipes it away. He doesn't want to start crying now. He's sick of crying. He doesn't think he should have any more tears left to cry for the rest of the year at this point. "I didn't say I <em>wanted</em> to leave, I asked if I <em>should</em>."</p>
<p>"Okay. Why do you think you <em>should</em> leave?" she amends and he closes his eyes, sorting through all the thoughts that keep flaring in the middle of the night when he can't sleep and searching for where to begin.</p>
<p>"I'm- Everyone had a- a life before I arrived in Los Angeles and they- they'll still have a life if I leave."</p>
<p>"Eddie…"</p>
<p>"I just keep- I'm tired of…of hurting people," he admits, his voice cracking traitorously in the middle. "Like maybe Chris would be better with my parents and I just- I go somewhere no one knows me and…start again."</p>
<p>"You'd leave <em>Chris</em>?" she says and his stomach squeezes with sick chills at the thought of it but…maybe if that would be what was best for his kid, if that could give him a shot at a better life than a father who can't remember his favourite food, or his favourite park, or his favourite movie… "Eddie, what's really going on? This isn't- What's happened?"</p>
<p>He can't tell her he kissed Buck. He can't tell her he's responsible for hurting Buck, for dividing Buck from everyone else this year <em>including</em> her. He can't tell her he's ruined it all over again because he got hopeful, or needy, or reckless. He can't tell her because then she'll hate him like Buck hates him, and she'll probably tell other people, like Chim, and then Hen and Karen will find out, and Bobby and Athena, and then he'll have no one except his immediate family. And even they might hate him by the end of all this.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, I- It's a- I shouldn't have bothered you," he mumbles, shaking his head because the guilt creeps up his throat and threatens to strangle him. He ends the call as quickly as he can and then switches off the phone, his hands shaking as he buries them in his hair and tries to breathe with some semblance of steadiness when all he wants to do is sob. In, out. In, out.</p>
<p>He's not sure how long he sits there, only vaguely aware that there's a distant chiming, and some chatter, and a series of clicks, and a breath of his name.</p>
<p>"Eddie." Fingers curve around his wrists, firm but certain as they peel his hands from holding his head. "Hey. Look at me?"</p>
<p>His eyes waver until they meet dark brown and he hiccups, fingers twitching uselessly.</p>
<p>"Do me a favour?" she says, settling his hands in his lap and holding them there. "Recite the alphabet backwards." He frowns, the question sticking in his throat and she squeezes his hands. "Trust me. Alphabet backwards. It starts with Z."</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>He manages to whisper "Z" and then has to run through the alphabet to figure out y, and x, and w. He mixes up the u and v and she shakes her head until he corrects himself, and by the time he's reached k, his heart feels like it's less likely to explode and his lungs feel less like they've forgotten how to work and he's more aware of the tears on his cheeks and the constant pressure of her hands against his as she maintains steady eye contact.</p>
<p>"Hi," Maddie says, releasing one of his hands to cup his cheek, to hold his head up when she probably senses he'd rather look anywhere but directly at her. "I'm sorry if you didn't want me to drop over but I was worried about you."</p>
<p>"I'm s-sorry…"</p>
<p>"That you worried me? Don't be. I'm glad I trusted my gut and came." She scrapes some strands of hair off his face before shifting from being crouched in front of him to sitting on the bed beside him, a loose arm wrapping around his waist and her other still tucked around his hand. "I've got all day, Eds. We can sit, we can talk, we can not-talk. But I need you to know there's nothing you can't tell me, nothing you can say, that'll make me leave right now."</p>
<p>He doubts that but he wisely decides to keep his mouth shut on <em>that</em>. "I don't know where I- I b-belong," he says, looking towards their linked hands in his lap. "I keep… The people I- I care about keep being h-hurt and I….I don't want that anymore."</p>
<p>"And you think leaving will hurt us less?"</p>
<p>He shrugs. Maybe. He's starting to feel like staying isn't helping. He's starting to feel like Buck would be better off without him around. He's starting to feel like Los Angeles would be better off without him too.</p>
<p>"Eddie, you're part of the family. You belong here."</p>
<p>For a moment, he thinks she's alluding to knowing something happened with Buck but…no. There's something deeper in her words, something he doesn't understand but something he'd sensed at the dinner with her and Chim and Hen and Karen.</p>
<p>"I don't… I d-don't remember you."</p>
<p>She squeezes his hand and presses her cheek against his shoulder. "We don't care. <em>We</em> remember you. We <em>love</em> you." Fresh tears pool in his eyes as her thumb rubs against his hand. "We've already lost so many people this year and last, Eddie. You can't expect me, or any of the others, to let you go without a fight."</p>
<p>He dares to look at her, dares to meet her shiny brown eyes, and struggles against the way all his words are knotted in his throat. "Even… Even if it's my fault?"</p>
<p>She frowns and gazes at him. "We all make mistakes, Eddie."</p>
<p>Maybe if she knew what he'd done, she'd understand. Maybe if she knew what he'd done, she'd agree he needed to leave the state.</p>
<p>Chris is thrilled that Maddie stays during the evening and scrounges through his fridge to find something for dinner but Eddie struggles to engage with her attempts at conversation and he's not ignorant to the way Chris' lips are drawn, and his eyes are sad. When he puts Chris to bed, his kid clings to him as Eddie strokes fingers through the curls.</p>
<p>"I love you, Dad," Chris says, so many times that afternoon and evening Eddie's almost lost count.</p>
<p>"I love you too," he echoes, even though he's no longer sure he has a heart left.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Are you looking forward to finally being free?"</p>
<p>Eddie belatedly realises that the question is directed to him and he tries to cover up his lapse in concentration with a smile and a sip of his wine like that's what he'd been doing all along.</p>
<p>Karen sinks onto the chair beside him as he repeats, "Free?"</p>
<p>She gestures towards where his leg is propped on the table in front of him and he tries to shift his attention to her rather than where his eyes have kept wandering in search of Buck. Buck's studiously avoided him all afternoon, a hand almost permanently clasped in a shorter man's who has to rise on tip-toes to whisper something in Buck's ear that makes him smile. Only Eddie's conscious that it's a smile that lacks confidence, it lacks heat, and he keeps getting distracted about why. He's afraid it's because <em>he's </em>there and Buck has to know that, that he's afraid of giving anything away, or maybe that he's disgusted in Eddie's behaviour. He wonders if Buck would agree that he should leave because Maddie had been so adamant that he should stay.</p>
<p>Karen's fingers touch his arm and it draws him away from his musings, realising that he still hadn't responded to her question.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I- Uh… It'll be good to be able to- to walk or drive and feel a bit more human again," he agrees, before his focus slips again to wonder if Athena and Bobby have been closely watching Buck too. There'd been a couple of times he'd noticed Maddie staring across the room, a creased look between her brows that he doesn't like but also doesn't understand.</p>
<p>"Don't work yourself too hard during rehab." Her words draw him away from where Cameron is saying something else to Buck. He needs to stop watching so closely. His life doesn't include Buck, that much has been obvious. He meets Karen's eyes and she's watching him with a narrowed, assessing gaze. "Listen to me, Eddie. We don't need you going down because you push yourself too hard and too fast."</p>
<p>She speaks like it's happened before but he's not sure if it's a reference to something he's done or someone else. He almost glances back at Buck, thinking about his broken leg, before trying to force himself to give Karen the attention she deserves.</p>
<p>"My leg will sort itself out," he mumbles with a shrug. "My memories on the other hand… I'm not so sure about that anymore."</p>
<p>Karen's thumb rubs over his arm and he tries to cover his sigh of miserable frustration with another sip of wine. "I'm sure if you stopped to think about it, you'd realise just how much more you remember than you did after you woke up."</p>
<p>"My therapist has made me record things."</p>
<p>"See? And how's that been going for you?"</p>
<p>He looks at the wine like it holds the secrets to the universe. "There are still so many things I don't remember that it- it feels stupid to record a Chinese take-out order."</p>
<p>A smile teases at her lips but he knows she can't comprehend how there are so many pieces he can't remember, so many details that seem crucial to understanding who he is and how he fits with all these people at the Halloween party. He knows no one can truly understand how his life has been turned upside down and inside out, and he doubts they ever really will.</p>
<p>"Well," her voice lightens, a small squeeze of his arm, "if you asked <em>me</em> about everything that happened in the last five years, I wouldn't be able to tell you about every one of those…what, almost two thousand days? All the hours, all the minutes, all the seconds that make up a year… At some point they start to fade into a bit of a mashed-up mess and only the big events remain."</p>
<p>He tilts his head in acknowledgement because she has a point. It's something Gus had broached a few times and something Eddie had thought about quizzing Hen or Chim or Maddie or Bobby to find out whether there were huge swathes of the last five years they couldn't remember either. Maybe the big events, like Shannon dying or Buck surviving all these near-death experiences, are what matters. Maybe he shouldn't recall all the minor bits.</p>
<p>"Besides, there would be lots of things from the past five years that people here would kill to forget," she adds and when he looks at her, he realises she's looking elsewhere. He follows her gaze to Maddie and he has questions and assumptions but he shoves them down. He'd made some guesses after her reaction to the broken glass. He could appreciate why someone might want to forget that.</p>
<p>"I feel like…like I won't be who I am if I don't remember," he admits, scanning his eyes over the mingling groups, before looking back at her.</p>
<p>"You're not that different to who you were before, Eddie," she says, though her eyes flick to the glass in his hand and something twitches in her grin. "You used to drink beer at these sorts of things, though."</p>
<p>He snorts and a glimmer of a smile tilts his lips. "Felt more like sitting and sipping this. I'm still a beer man at heart."</p>
<p>She laughs and Hen joins them for awhile, offering him a distraction from continuously looking towards Buck. Chim wanders over to lean against the arm of a chair and there's something so familiar, something so comforting about the sensation that creeps through him. He guesses they must've hung out frequently although any concrete memories are faded around the edges and distorted in the middle.</p>
<p>When the light starts to fade, Michael, Hen and Karen take Harry, Denny and Chris to tour the neighbourhood for Trick or Treat. He kisses the head of his little ghost, an awful attempt at a costume when it's mostly a white sheet over his head with two eye holes and a Sharpie smile, but Chris seems to be enthusiastic about it so Eddie watches until he reaches the end of the driveway before using the opportunity to hobble outside to where Bobby has been by the barbecue for most of the afternoon to say hello, or talk, or apologise for melting down at the beach.</p>
<p>"Smells go-" His eyes catch on the fairy-lights strung across an outside wall and the rest of the words stick in his throat as he wavers on the crutches. The lights blur out of focus and pain pricks his eyes and his heart thumps unsteadily in his chest because he can remember another time, another place, another set of fairy-lights dissolving above him while he blinked away tears and heard words as clearly as he can hear them now.</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>
  <em>I'm not pregnant.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I was just late.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I can't fail him again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I think we should get a divorce.</em>
</p>
<p>He recoils at the hand that touches his shoulder, a shudder ripping down his spine at the memory that leaves him feeling exposed all over again with the realisation that everything he thought he'd recalled at the beach wasn't even a fraction of the truth. He'd barely stopped crying at the realisation that Shannon was pregnant and now he remembers that she <em>wasn't</em>? Why couldn't he have remembered this one <em>first</em>?</p>
<p>Except…her voice continues to swirl around his skull as her decision to leave him was clarified. <em>She'd wanted a divorce</em>. She'd wanted a divorce and he had almost certainly gone from being high and happy and hopeful with the news she was pregnant to dropping with devastation that she desired a divorce and then…sometime after that, she'd died.</p>
<p>He can't tell what memory he'd have preferred first.</p>
<p>"Eddie." There's a pressure against his arm, steadying the wobbling crutch, and a different pair of brown eyes swim in and out of focus in front of him. His chest aches as he heaves some more unsteady breaths and he needs this to stop happening. He needs to stop feeling like the world is splitting apart at the seams at the most unexpected of moments.</p>
<p>He feels unhinged as he tries to look at Bobby. "Cap- I need- I- I c-can't-"</p>
<p>"I know." Bobby's arm circles around his waist, firm enough to keep him upright when the crutches feel dangerously unsteady beneath his arms. "Is it better if we get you back inside?"</p>
<p>Eddie peers past Bobby's shoulder to the glowing bulbs that continue to taunt him, and nods.</p>
<p>He keeps his eyes on the floor as he returns inside. Bobby's hand is light on his back, providing some support and stability, as Bobby waves towards the left. Eddie eases past the couch and the coffee table to enter a bedroom. "Sit. Do you want me to get you something? Someone?"</p>
<p>He sits on the edge of the mattress, his hands trembling in his lap when he sets the crutches beside him. He longs to ask for Buck but he can't. He's not sure where Buck is. He's not sure if Buck saw what happened. But Buck seems to be pretending they aren't orbiting the same space at the party and he can't make demands like that when he presumes everyone else thinks they aren't on speaking terms all year. Although there haven't been any calls or texts for over a week again, so maybe they officially <em>aren't </em>on speaking terms again.</p>
<p>He shakes his head, grateful that Chris is having fun gathering candy and can be shielded from all this until Eddie's got it under control. "I just… I need a- a minute," he mumbles and Bobby's hand squeezes his shoulder again.</p>
<p>"Take all the time you need, Eddie," Bobby offers, giving him the room and closing the door quietly behind him.</p>
<p>He knows Bobby's house isn't the sort of space where he can fall apart and cry, even though more than anything he just wants to slam his fist into a wall, or hurl a whole lot of ceramic at the floor and delight in creating a physical manifestation of the carnage that mirrors his insides. He can't fall apart so instead he tries to remember Gus' techniques of guiding him to examine the new memory, to determine where it would fit into the sequence of his others, allowing his skipping heartbeat and shallow breathing to settle into something more regular.</p>
<p>He spends much longer than a minute in the room, but he has to if he has any hope of stitching the threads of his heart together. He keeps his head bowed and eyes closed as Shannon's voice lingers in his awareness, and it feels like her words are traces of perfume in the air, getting drawn deeper and deeper every time he tries to breathe and reminding him of what she said. He keeps repeating what he remembers, like a whispered mantra, like a broken chant, because perhaps then he'll never let himself fall for someone who can inflict this sort of agonising, soul-shredding destruction on him again.</p>
<p>There's a gentle knock at the door and he raises his head just enough to see Maddie peering inside.</p>
<p>"Hey. Can I?"</p>
<p>He lifts one shoulder in a shrug, not exactly the Buckley he might've wanted but a comforting presence nonetheless. His gaze returns to his hands when he hears the door close, and he can see her moving towards him out of the corner of his eye. She sits beside him, hands clasped in her lap. They're steady and still, and Eddie wants to find that sort of calm again. Too often, he feels like all he ever does is tremble now.</p>
<p>"I think I was a little envious of you, at first," she confesses and it's such an unexpected sentence when he thought she'd start pressing him for what he remembered that he frowns at her. "The amnesia."</p>
<p>He still fails to understand what she's talking about. "How can you be-"</p>
<p>"Because then I could pretend like the last five years hadn't happened." There's an uncertain smile on her lips as he recalls what Karen had said earlier. "I don't know what you know but if I could forget, then I wouldn't know I'd killed my husband. I could forget how scared I was of him, how scared I became of everyone, including myself. I could forget I lost touch with my baby brother for more than three years because of it, and maybe protect him from himself better too."</p>
<p>It confirms Eddie's suspicions from the dinner but as much as he'd wanted to hurt whoever had hurt her, the thought had never crossed his mind that <em>she </em>might've killed him. He appraises her in a new way, realising that it's somewhat reassuring that her ex-husband is gone, that he can't physically hurt her anymore. She might be shorter than almost everyone else except the kids but there's something dark and fierce in her expression that makes her seem almost formidable.</p>
<p>Her words are an olive branch, allowing him an insight into her thoughts that he didn't give her when she showed up at his house. He hesitates before reaching out to touch her hands, and she responds by loosely folding her palms around his fingers. "You- You're not envious now, though?"</p>
<p>She shakes her head, her thumbs pressing small circles into his palm and knuckles as she watches him. "You get a flash of memory and it's like you're right back there again, don't you?"</p>
<p>He nods, the realisation dawning on him of how her own traumatic memories continue to impact her daily life when he thinks about the broken glass, or her gratitude when he'd reached for her hand once Chim had calmed her down, or the expression in her face when he'd thanked her for helping Chris get ready for bed. He's not an idiot. He'd been in combat. He knew about the PTSD statistics in veterans. And what she'd been through… It had to leave scars too.</p>
<p>"You already struggle enough with the memories."</p>
<p>Her hands continue to rub shapes into his skin, providing him enough comfort to help smooth some of the jagged edges of his heart and soul. "I don't- I don't know if I'd survive having bits and pieces come back to me so suddenly it was like it was happening all over again. I don't think I could keep living with Chim if I remembered something about Doug that was-"</p>
<p>His brain trips over the name and his hand clenches in hers. "He kidnapped you." His eyes appear to scan the carpet but mostly it's scanning through another catalogue of memories that are choppy and unclear and disorganised. "Chim got hurt and Buck was so scared for you and he- Did he go with Athena? To look for you?"</p>
<p>He meets her tearful eyes, a shiny trail on her cheek before she wipes it away. "See? You know more than you think. That's why we still love you. That's why we still need you around."</p>
<p>He doubts it, doubts his presence could really do more good things than harmful, but he untangles his hand from hers so he can wrap an arm around her shoulders. He feels as protective of her as one of his sisters, even if the danger had passed, even if the guy was dead. "I'm so sorry you went through that, Maddie."</p>
<p>She waves away her tears with a choked attempt at a laugh even as she leans into him, even as she places a gentle palm against his chest to hold onto his shirt. "It was a couple of years ago now, Eddie. I've done all the therapy you can think of and it's only a problem some of the time. I always thought I wanted to forget but now… Now I'm not so sure."</p>
<p>He understands her indecision, even though he'd give up everything if it meant he could remember again. He lowers his chin to rest on top of her hair, feeling the emotions that had crashed through him because of the latest memory of Shannon start to retreat. He thinks he can inhale more air, sucking it deeper into his lungs. It helps to steady some of the dizziness even though he still feels lost.</p>
<p>"You know," he says with something like a wry smile on his lips. "I feel like all I keep doing is apologising to the Buckleys." She peeks up at him, a small frown dipping her brows. "You and Buck."</p>
<p>"You've apologised to Buck?" She peels away from him slightly, her hand loosening against his chest so that she can fix him with a curious stare. "You've <em>spoken</em> to Buck since this happened?"</p>
<p>He's not sure if he's mis-stepped<em>,</em> if maybe she hasn't spoken to Buck as much as he'd thought, or if maybe he's put his foot in his mouth and started chewing on it. He still won't tell her about their most recent interaction because he's pretty sure she'd either hit him or leave to seek out Buck and hit <em>him</em>. "A… A few times?" he hedges, unsure whether he's meant to say it's been in person or via text messages and calls.</p>
<p>"Wow." Her lips press together, eyebrow quirking, and he thinks she's trying to swallow her emotions. "I didn't think he was actually speaking that much to anyone from the 118."</p>
<p>Her use of the number tugs at something else in his memory but he can't focus on that right now because it doesn't give him anything usable and probably will just distract him from the conversation about Buck. "I think… I think maybe that fact I forgot everything was a- that he felt like it was some sort of…of restart button, maybe. That whatever had happened in the past was… I couldn't remember it so it was like a fresh start. But he- he's- I think he's…hurting."</p>
<p>She gazes at him, her eyes assessing. "You feel that too?" she says cautiously.</p>
<p>He's terrified to say more, to admit his role in hurting Buck, to even so much as <em>hint </em>at kissing him a little over a week ago, so he just nods. She dabs at her eyes with trembling fingers and he tucks his arm around her shoulders tighter again.</p>
<p>"I thought it was just me being an overprotective sister," she mumbles and he rubs a light hand down her back. He understood the urge to be protective of your siblings. He could remember trying to threaten his sisters' boyfriends, even though they'd been older. It hadn't gone well, but he'd still felt the need. "I- I guess I'd just figured last year caught up with him and maybe he…he needed his space, that I needed to stop interfering and let him live his life."</p>
<p>"It's not your fault," he assures quickly but she doesn't look convinced when her eyes meet his. "It's not. I- I know some of it is mine."</p>
<p>"<em>Yours</em>?"</p>
<p>He can't tell if she's shocked or horrified and he can't look at her for too long, hesitating over the words that would divulge too much information. He knows how much his sisters seize on gossip, how much they squeal when someone admits to being kissed. He doesn't know Maddie well enough to gauge how she'd react and he doesn't want her confronting Buck at the party in front of Cameron either.</p>
<p>"I told you, lots of apologies," he says with a shrug and her eyebrow arches again, because it's not an answer and they both know it. He bumps his shoulders against hers, lightly squeezes her with the arm around her shoulders. "That's- I think I hurt Buck and that's why I know it's not <em>your</em> fault. It's- It's part of why I think I- I should leave."</p>
<p>"Eddie…" She shakes her head, gripping his hand within hers and the dark ferocity is back. "Don't leave because of something you're not sure about."</p>
<p>He can't tell her that he's absolutely <em>certain</em> he's hurt Buck so he just concedes her point with a slight incline of his head, acknowledging her words, pretending he hasn't felt the sting in his chest and the chill all over his body every time he's looked towards Buck during the party. Whether that's because Buck has never looked at him, or because Cameron's always within reach, Eddie's not sure.</p>
<p>She still looks unconvinced by his words, like she wants to ask more, but maybe she knows or respects that there are some secrets Eddie isn't going to share because he'll also shield Buck from being harassed by her interest. "Do you want to come back?" She checks her watch. "Chris should be back any minute, which means dinner shortly after. How are you feeling?"</p>
<p>The thought of going outside again, of seeing the fairy-lights, or remembering Shannon's words like a haunting echo… He doesn't want to face any of it but he can't hide away either. Not when Chris needs him. Now when Chris wouldn't understand.</p>
<p>"Let's go," he says with the deepest inhale and exhale that he can manage before rising again with the crutches.</p>
<p>He trails after Maddie and sure enough, Chris returns with Denny and Harry barely five minutes later.</p>
<p>"Dad! Look what I got!" he cheers, lifted down the stairs by Hen's hands beneath his arms and swinging his pumpkin container towards Eddie.</p>
<p>He cuddles Chris into his lap on the couch while his son unpacks his haul and revels in the assortment of candy that he'll probably still be eating at Christmas because Eddie will figure out how to carefully ration it. He can't explain to his son that holding him helps relax some of his frayed nerves, but Chris' warmth and enthusiasm and laughter helps him remember how to breathe again, how to find some sort of peace amid the unease. He brushes a myriad of kisses to the curls because even if Eddie decides to leave LA, he'd be stupid to offload his son to his parents. He needs Chris in his life to have any prospect of remaining sane.</p>
<p>Bobby calls everyone to dinner when Chris finishes repacking the candy and Eddie gives him a little push towards the outside while he diverts towards the kitchen to grab a beer. He's searching for a bottle opener when he hears a pair of footsteps behind him and for a second he thinks maybe Buck's come to say something because there's a fraction of a few seconds of privacy and-</p>
<p>"You're looking a bit worse for wear compared to last time I saw you."</p>
<p>He frowns, not knowing the voice and yet knowing immediately who it is as he shuffles on the crutches. He meets Cameron's light eyes, failing to fully recall their previous encounter but immediately disliking the smirk at the edge of Cameron's mouth, the calculation ticking behind his gaze. "Sorry, I don't-"</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><p>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. The story I heard was you were lucky to make it out." Cameron approaches him and Eddie freezes, thinking the other guy is going to hit him simply because he knows what he did with Buck was wrong. "I guess it was fortunate Evan was there too to dig you out, huh?" Cameron continues straight past him though, grabbing a bottle of cider and a water from the fridge. "Pity about your partner though," Cameron says nonchalantly as he shuts the fridge door. "Guess you can't save everyone."</p>
<p>Eddie stares at Cameron and has the horrible sensation of ice sliding down his spine. He knows Cameron has to be talking about the accident but he doesn't know <em>who</em> Cameron is referring to and he doesn't know how Buck being there has anything to do with what happened. Cameron smiles at him, the smirk now more of a sneer, and departs the kitchen like he hasn't just inverted Eddie's world for the second time that night.</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure how long it takes for him to gather his thoughts, how long it takes before he stops shaking against one of the counters as he tries to recall all the pieces that seem lost, but it's Hen who finds him. He still feels like he's reeling with the implications of Cameron's words. His partner? Pity? <em>Buck</em> dug him out? From where? Why?</p>
<p>"Eddie?" Hen's hand touches his arm and he lifts his eyes to her, unable to even remember why he'd come into the kitchen. "Are you coming outside?"</p>
<p>He glances around him, notes the beer, remembers the food. But the thought of eating right now leaves him feeling queasy and his fingers curl around the crutches a little tighter.</p>
<p>"I- I'm not hungry," he whispers and she frowns at him.</p>
<p>"Come outside anyway," she encourages and he follows her to where there's a spot beside Chris with a blank plate that reminds him of the blank spaces in his memory. She helps him into the seat and then sits beside him, a gentle press of her fingers against his leg helping to keep him from falling apart when surrounded by people he barely knew.</p>
<p>He folds an arm around Chris, using his kid as an anchor against the storm raging through his head and his heart and his lungs, and forces himself to steal the occasional mouthful of a tomato or piece of sausage just to keep up an appearance that he ate something. He can feel eyes on him, but he's not sure which direction they come from. He can sense attempts to lure him into conversation, but he can't concentrate on who's speaking to him amidst all the noise.</p>
<p>The storm is still raging after Chim has helped him up the stairs and inside his house, and the storm is still raging after Maddie's helped Chris into bed, and it's still raging after they'd both left and given him tight hugs, and it's still raging when he stares at the ceiling and feels new tears decorate his face because he suspects Cameron's words are meant to imply his partner died and he's torn between the abyss of nothing in his memory and the staccato of gunfire, the blood covering his hand, as he struggles to keep his team alive in a desert far away.</p>
<p>He thinks the storm might rage for a long time because he knows there's absolutely nothing to tether him.</p>
<hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
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    <em><strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In the rewrites, Maddie became a far bigger character to offer support to Eddie's aching soul and this chapter really highlights that. Her and Bobby both became such integral parts of Eddie's journey, particularly because Buck wasn't always available.</p>
<p>If you read <em>Tread Lightly</em>, then you'll probably already have seen my note about be gentle with the comments this week. It's been awful and I'm still trying to process/recover. I wouldn't mind a Chris cuddle! Give me my sweet bean!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 7,104<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Gus collects him from the house in the middle of the day to return him to the hospital, where he undergoes more scans on his head and x-rays on his leg. The results and reports from the scan will take time to compile, but the x-ray satisfies someone from orthopaedics that the cast can be removed.</p>
<p>He wrinkles his nose at the pale skin beneath it, the wastage of muscle clear, and there's a scar snaking up the length of his leg and a pink blob of scar tissue around his knee.</p>
<p>"It <em>will</em> fade," Gus says as Eddie touches fingertips to the scars. His mind flashes toward Buck, wondering whether he has something similar.</p>
<p>The orthopaedic doctor is swapped for a physiotherapist, who spends an hour showing him different exercises he needs to do at home to improve his range of movement, to encourage his knee to bend. She straps his knee into a brace to reduce some of the weight he puts on his leg and then encourages him to stand properly for the first time in two months.</p>
<p>His back feels hunched and his spine aches and there's a dull throbbing in his leg, but she claps when he can hold his stance for nearly thirty seconds before he has to sit again on the bed.</p>
<p>"It will take time," Gus says and Eddie's about ready to whack him with a crutch.</p>
<p>He can't deny that his leg feels fifty pounds lighter though, and there's a sense of freedom that brings something that's almost a smile to his face as he limps out of the hospital and back to Gus' car. As Gus drives him home, he texts Bobby and Hen and Karen and Chim and Maddie the news and gets varying degrees of emojis, exclamation marks, and congratulations in response.</p>
<p>"You'll have home visits twice a week to ensure you're moving and that the recovery of your leg is on track. You should be able to drive short distances in about two weeks once you can prove you've got better control over your ability to put pressure on your foot."</p>
<p>He nods as Gus reels through information, his thumb still hovering over the screen as he debates texting Buck. Would Buck be pleased? Would Buck be overjoyed? Or would Buck not care?</p>
<p>He ends up shutting off his phone and staring out the window as he catches bits and pieces of Gus' talk, accepting that whatever door to rebuilding a friendship with Buck has been slammed shut in the fortnight since they kissed.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Buck's right, Eddie thinks as he grits his teeth and tries not to scream at the latest physical therapist forcing his knee to bend further than he's independently managed so far.</p>
<p>Rehab <em>does</em> suck. Rehab is <em>agony</em>. Rehab leaves him breathless and in tears and utterly <em>exhausted</em>.</p>
<p>And Eddie can't even text him to ask him how to cope with it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The removal of the cast, the slow progress in rehab exercises, does at least have one key benefit – he earns driving privileges.</p>
<p>Driving offers the independence he'd lacked, even if he relies on the GPS to direct him everywhere and even if he has to use it to get home again because he can't remember any addresses or locations or directions. He drives to the beach on his own and stares at the ocean, and he drives to the cemetery where Shannon is buried when he begs Bobby for the information. He has to ask for directions for her burial plot and once he finds it, he manages to lower himself to the ground by the headstone. He traces fingers into the carved grooves of her name, of the date of her death, and lets the tears slide down his face. He's determined to bring flowers next time to replace the spindly bits of nothingness that would probably crumble into dust if he touched them.</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><p>When he leaves the cemetery, he decides to get his own groceries for the first time in more than two months. His eyes are still red-rimmed and he's still sniffling occasionally as he moves through the grocery store, pausing at random items that flicker impressions without words. It's as he approaches the checkout that something more real flares to life, and he turns his head to the right to try to focus on the ghosts of a memory flickering on the edge of his awareness. He can remember yelling, the anger that flared hot beneath his sternum, but he doesn't remember why. He doesn't remember who the person was. He doesn't remember what had made him so mad.</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><p>"Sir?"</p>
<p>He reels at the boy scanning his groceries, eyes flashing over his shoulders again like he can see the phantoms standing there. He's sure they're mocking him. He's sure they're hurling abuse behind the silent wall that traps them from being recalled.</p>
<p>"Sorry," he mutters, pulling his wallet out of his pocket to hand over some cash.</p>
<p>He uses the cart as a walking frame, limping slowly to his car and loading groceries into the backseat. Maybe if he moved back to El Paso, he'll stop feeling like his connection to LA was fraught with ticking time bombs. Maybe if he moved somewhere else completely, he'd be able to let go of all the places that hint at a life he can't recall living.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Bobby informs him in the middle of doing more knee curls that have his hands bunched into cushions so that he doesn't pierce the skin of his palms with his nails that the shift rotation means the team is working Thanksgiving. He offers Eddie a place at the table but Eddie's not sure where the table is, and he's not sure if he's ready to visit his place of former work. He scratches at the denim covering his leg, wondering if his skin has always been so sensitive to fabric, and says Abuela will have something prepared anyway.</p>
<p>"You're always welcome if you change your mind," Bobby insists but he shakes his head because he can't stand the thought of feeling like a stranger in his own place of work. He's not sure if that feeling will ever fade, if he'll ever get enough pieces back to feel like he belongs, and so the ending to the call feels laced with more awkwardness than usual. There's nothing he can really do about it though, and he hardly blames Bobby for how he feels or what happened that means he can't be working <em>with</em> Bobby on Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>He calls her later that evening once Chris is asleep, gritting his teeth around more careful stretches of his knee.</p>
<p>"It is late, Edmundo," she admonishes, like he doesn't know she stays up late watching stupid telenovelas and gossiping with Pepa.</p>
<p>"I had a- a question." He hesitates, waits for her encouraging hum, and forces a breath past his lungs when he extends his knee again. "Bobby called. He- He's working on Thanksgiving."</p>
<p>"You know you're always welcome here, nieto." Her tone implies that it's obvious he can come, and her words aren't even a question or an invitation. There's the weight of expectation, an understanding that he's not able to actually <em>ask</em> and she doesn't have to actually <em>offer</em>. "You can say hello to uncles and aunties and cousins."</p>
<p>Eddie knows it's important for Chris to be surrounded by family even if he's not actually thrilled by the prospect of all the noise and the teasing about events and issues and gossip from recent years that he won't remember and younger cousins he may not recognise. He forces a smile to his lips, thanks her for allowing him to come, and listens to her gush about all the plans she's been making with Pepa.</p>
<p>It doesn't make him feel any more comfortable but he doesn't let her know that.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Chris had been pinging around the walls all morning with excitement at seeing his aunts, uncles, and cousins. Eddie had been trying to keep him contained but eventually he gives up encouraging Chris to sit still, or draw, or make another Lego tower, and decides to go to Abuela's early. He can always help set up tables, or cut vegetables, or contribute <em>something</em> and his son can find new people to entertain him.</p>
<p>"Alright, let's go," he announces and Chris cheers, his crutches clicking across the floor as Eddie limps after him. He buckles Chris into the truck and then has a crushing realisation – he doesn't actually know where Abuela lives and he doesn't know how to get there.</p>
<p>He considers banging his head against the steering wheel but that would freak Chris out too much.</p>
<p>"Hey, buddy?" His hand thumbs over the screen as he texts Abuela and Pepa, hoping they're not so busy or noisy while preparing food that they don't hear their phones. He really doesn't want to have to call them within earshot of Chris. "Let's, uh… How about we go to the store? See if we can get something to take with us to Abuela's?"</p>
<p>Chris doesn't realise that Eddie's playing for time when he agrees to the plan, so Eddie tries his best to remain upbeat when inside he's scrambling. He doesn't know which other family members might be going, isn't even sure which contacts he has in his phone might be living in Los Angeles. Sophia was in Chicago, Adriana was in Texas. A lot could have changed in five years which made it impossible to know who to text for help. Would Bobby know where Abuela lived? Would Buck? Would Buck even <em>respond</em> if Eddie texted him?</p>
<p>He encourages Chris to take his time wandering the store, checking his phone every five steps for a message and seriously starting to consider a call when Chris' voice pulls him away.</p>
<p>"Is something wrong with your phone, Dad?"</p>
<p>He shoves his phone in his pocket and tries to smile at Chris, eyes scanning over the packet mixes of cake and muffins like that's what he'd come to buy at the store all along. "Just checking the time, mijo."</p>
<p>Chris stares at him, a tiny frown between his brows like he knows something's amiss.</p>
<p>"Did you find something you want to get?" he says in his latest attempt at a deflection.</p>
<p>"We should take something already made." Chris points at several of the mixes. "The kitchen will be too busy for us to make anything like this."</p>
<p>"Alright, good idea." Excellent, excellent. More time to waste. "How about we look at those, then?"</p>
<p>Chris' gaze is still narrowed but he starts moving towards a different part of the store and Eddie lags behind, checking his phone again. Increasingly frustrated, and absolutely certain he wasn't going to get the answers he wanted any time soon via text, he tries calling Abuela and when it goes through to voicemail, attempts Pepa. Both ring out and he can feel the anxiety building that he's going to ruin this for Chris, and he's so infuriated with himself that he can't remember where his own grandmother fucking <em>lives</em> that he just wants to take some of the cakes that Chris is eyeing off and start hurling them around the store. It might get him arrested, it would certainly be more problematic than slamming his head against the steering wheel, but he hates how something so ridiculously mundane has now become a major ordeal because he never stopped to consider he doesn't have her address.</p>
<p>"I don't know which one to choose," Chris says, tugging at Eddie's shirt and saving him from breaking down in the middle of the store. "Pepa likes chocolate better but Abuela likes vanilla."</p>
<p>"There's nothing that says we can't get both, bud," he says, running his fingers through Chris' curls before he notes the next predicament, and another way to lose some time and get some distance from his kid to make a call. "I- Uh- Neither of us have our hands particularly free for two cakes. Can you, um… Can you do me a favour and grab a basket from the entrance?"</p>
<p>Chris doesn't question the request so Eddie seizes on the opportunity to call Bobby. He knows he's working, and he might not even have his phone handy, but he has to try. He keeps Chris in his sights as the call rings, and then there's a click.</p>
<p>"Eddie? You change your mind?"</p>
<p>"No, I'm going to Abuela's." He shifts a little on the crutches when Chris disappears around the corner of an aisle. "Listen, I need your help."</p>
<p>"Sure, Eddie. Anything."</p>
<p>He hesitates, knowing exactly how stupid this is probably going to sound. "I need Abuela's address."</p>
<p>"You need-" He hears the start of the disbelieving question and scrunches his eyes shut and then Bobby's voice trails away, the realisation obviously washing over him. "Sorry, that- I didn't even think of that."</p>
<p>Eddie grimaces, noting Chris has gathered a basket. "Me either."</p>
<p>"Alright, hold on." There's a crackle in his ear and a muffled, "Do either of you know Isabel Diaz's address?"</p>
<p>"Why do we need her address?" Chim's faint voice reaches the phone at the same time as Hen's confused, "No?"</p>
<p>Eddie feels his heart sink, starting to feel the desperation seep into his fingers because he doesn't know what to do. If Abuela and Pepa aren't answering his calls, if his colleagues don't know, if he can't reach out to Buck-</p>
<p>"Maddie probably knows though," Chim adds and Eddie frowns. Why would <em>Maddie</em> know? "I'll text her. She can call Eddie directly."</p>
<p>"Thanks, Chim," Bobby says, another fumbling sound where Eddie guesses the phone must have been lowered, or partially covered. "So Chim-"</p>
<p>"Is going to text Maddie and she'll call me," he finishes, waving at Chris when his son sees him at the end of the aisle and starts walking towards him. "Thanks, Bobby."</p>
<p>"Of course. Have a good day, Eddie."</p>
<p>"Yeah, you too." The call disconnects and he keeps his phone in his hand, reaching for Chris when he gets close enough to run a hand over his head. "Thanks, bud. You're a champion. So much faster on the crutches than me."</p>
<p>"It's because my arms are stronger than yours," Chris points out with a cheeky grin and Eddie chuckles.</p>
<p>"Are you saying my arms are noodles?" he teases and Chris giggles, extending the basket towards him.</p>
<p>"You don't work out like you used to."</p>
<p>Eddie blinks, grasping the basket and trying to sort through Chris' words until he can find a joke to make rather than asking for more information or exposing how confused he feels. "Well, I don't know if you'd noticed, but I sort of broke my leg."</p>
<p>"Oh?" Chris' eyebrows rise and okay, when had his son gotten so sassy and how could he stop his kid from growing up so fast?</p>
<p>"Yeah. Big cast. Pins. Kind of a big deal," he says, easing one of the cake containers Chris had pointed at earlier into the basket and then reaching for the other to settle on top. "Anything else you think we should take?"</p>
<p>"Nah, we always leave Grandma's complaining about eating too much anyway," Chris says and Eddie snorts.</p>
<p>"Alright, Smarty-pants. Off we go."</p>
<p>He's in the middle of paying for the cakes when his phone chimes with another call and he spies Maddie's name across the screen. He thanks the cashier for helping put the cakes into a cart for him, finding it easier to lean against the frame like a walker than the damn crutches and a basket, and thumbs at the phone.</p>
<p>"Hey." He gives a little wave to Chris who leads the way out of the store and towards his truck.</p>
<p>"Hey, Chim texted you need Abuela's address?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I- I didn't even think about it until earlier."</p>
<p>"Understandable. I've got it so I'll text it to you?"</p>
<p>As much as he's relieved, he's also bewildered that of all the people that might have known where his grandmother lives, it's <em>Maddie</em>. She wouldn't have even been on his radar of people to contact.</p>
<p>"That- That'd be great. Thanks, Maddie."</p>
<p>"Of course. Have fun!"</p>
<p>The call ends and a moment later, the address comes through. He sends her a series of heart emojis in thanks and starts to feel like he can breathe again, like it won't be a disaster that he doesn't know where the hell he's meant to go.</p>
<p>Of course, the panic about obtaining the address had distracted him from the actual reality of where he was going: a giant noisy family gathering.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He doesn't mention to Abuela or Pepa that he texted and called earlier because his intention of arriving early seems to have been matched by everyone else. The house is swarming with relatives and he can't get a word in as his grandmother and aunt draw him in for kisses to his cheeks and hugs before passing him off to other aunts and uncles who he knows and cousins he has varying success remembering depending on their age and how much they might've changed from his last flickers of memory of them. It's incredibly overwhelming to feel so much touching, to be swept into so much noise, but somewhere amidst it all he can hear Chris laughing and chattering away and it reminds him why he'd decided to come here instead of accepting Bobby's offer.</p>
<p>One of his Tias sweeps away the offered cakes to the kitchen. Pepa directs him outside where apparently there's a backyard fire burning for warmth. He casts his eyes around for Chris but his kid has already disappeared with a pack of younger cousins who Eddie isn't going to pretend he recalls, an explosion of chatter between them in English and Spanish making him smile as he heads outside.</p>
<p>He freezes, eyes widening when his gaze sweeps over the assorted group gathered just outside the door.</p>
<p>"<em>Sophia</em>?"</p>
<p>His eldest sister turns toward him, face splitting in a grin as she shrieks and rushes at him. "Surprise!" she squeals, arms tight around his shoulders.</p>
<p>He struggles to maintain a hold on the crutches when he wants to grip her so tightly, and someone must realise because then one of the crutches is withdrawn from under his arms and he can wrap it around her.</p>
<p>"It's been <em>so long</em>," she breathes against his ear and he can't even deny it or correct her, because to him… To him, it feels like seven or eight years, since before his last deployment.</p>
<p>He tucks his face into the crook of her neck and shoulder, tears he hadn't expected to shed today spilling down his cheeks. Her perfume isn't familiar but the soft press of her body is, the way she holds onto him reminding him of a childhood trailing after her shadow. "I love you, Soph," he whispers and she hugs him tighter.</p>
<p>"Love you too, chiquito." She relaxes her grip slightly so that she can cradle his jaw, thumbs brushing over the damp stains and gazing into his eyes. He wants to sob, his hand grasping at her arm and fingers grazing the inside of her wrist, because this… He didn't expect this. He didn't expect to feel breathless with affection and shock at seeing his sister. "I'm so sorry I haven't called. It's- When we heard you were injured, I wanted to be on the first flight out here."</p>
<p>He wants to ask her why she wasn't, but he's not mad. He'd been so overwhelmed in the hospital that he wasn't sure how he would've handled any more than his parents and Abuela, and then eventually Bobby. "It's okay."</p>
<p>"It's not," she insists, almost certainly where he got some of his stubbornness from. "We knew it was bad and then Mama told us you couldn't remember anything from the last few years and I- I thought-" She rises on her tip-toes to kiss his forehead. "I thought maybe you had enough to cope with but I <em>wanted</em> to be here, okay? I wanted you to pick up the phone and call. We both did. We just didn't know when or what would be too much."</p>
<p>Something tugs at his heart when he thinks about how he hasn't called Ana either. Maybe later. Maybe he could call with Sophia, though he could completely imagine all of them ending up in tears.</p>
<p>"Never be afraid to call me." He tugs at her wrist, intending to kiss her palm or her knuckles before he notes the ring on her finger. He remembers what Abuela had said in the hospital which feels like a distant dream sometimes, and he pauses as he gazes at it and then meets her eyes. "Is… Is he here?"</p>
<p>Her smile is radiant. "Probably bullied into the kitchen." Maybe she sees something in his face because the smile slips, her fingers curling to hold onto his hand. "You…don't remember."</p>
<p>He swallows, another wave of sadness and fury swirling through him as he tries to find something, anything, some semblance of a memory of a wedding that wasn't his own to Shannon.</p>
<p>"I'll show you photos later," she says, squeezing his hand and lifting his eyes back to hers. "I have so many on my phone, Ed."</p>
<p>He kisses her knuckles as he'd originally intended and she pats his cheek. "Now, where is your adorable little rascal? Auntie Soph needs some cuddles from her favourite nephew."</p>
<p>"He's your <em>only</em> nephew," an uncle calls from the barbecue and various family members chuckle.</p>
<p>He glances around for his second crutch and she gathers it from leaning against the table, following him back into the house where Chris is in Abuela's little family room talking in a pile of young cousins. He positively <em>squeals</em> when he sees her, holding up his arms as she steps around various small arms and legs.</p>

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</div><p>"Auntie Fia!" Chris chirps, arms locking around her neck and legs anchoring around her waist as she lifts him with a mocking groan at how heavy he's gotten. "I didn't know you were coming! Dad didn't tell me."</p>
<p>There's a sparkle in her eyes when they meet his, a smile at the edge of her lips. "Dad didn't know."</p>
<p>He wonders when she decided to come, if it was the plan all along or if she got a very late call from Abuela when he decided to attend Thanksgiving here. He wouldn't put it past Abuela. He also wouldn't be surprised if someone had surreptitiously filmed the whole thing and already sent the footage back to relatives in Texas.</p>
<p>She presses noisy kisses to Chris' hair and he squeals and Eddie gets his turn to snap a few photos of Chris grinning, of Sophia's head tipped back with a laugh, of the way Chris nuzzles into her shoulder and holds onto her like he's a koala that will never let go.</p>
<p>"You know, it's <em>almost</em> enough for me to agree to have my own," Sophia teases after she relocates Chris to the floor and picks her way through the limbs again to pat Eddie's cheek. "<em>Almost</em>."</p>
<p>Eddie had wondered – how could he <em>not</em> wonder, when so much had been forgotten? – but he'd been afraid to ask. "What's stopping you?" he asks instead as he follows her.</p>
<p>She snorts. "Aside from the crying and the poop and the whole growing-an-alien-inside-me thing?" She shakes her head and peers into the kitchen. "Babe? Come say hi to Eddie."</p>
<p>"Eddie's here? Why didn't anyone tell me?"</p>
<p>And Eddie blinks, because he recognises the voice, and it's the second time in less than half an hour where he's struck dumb, frozen to the spot, as he takes in the brown-haired, brown-eyed, six-and-a-half foot Marcus.</p>
<p>"Sarge," Marcus salutes, a lopsided grin on his face, as Eddie looks between his former soldier and his sister.</p>
<p>"Knight?" he says, trying to keep a smile from breaking out. "Really? You chose <em>him</em>?"</p>
<p>Sophia rolls her eyes, arm sliding around Marcus' waist. "Yeah, you said that last time too."</p>
<p>He knows she means it as a joke but it still stings, and there's a flash in her eyes when she realises, but Marcus clears his throat.</p>
<p>"So do I hug you or?"</p>
<p>"Come here, you ass," he mutters, holding out an arm and Marcus folds him into an embrace almost tight enough to crack some more ribs if Eddie hadn't squeaked out, "Didn't you hear? I'm breakable now."</p>
<p>Marcus laughs, patting his back before pulling away and waving a hand at the crutches and the brace. "Gotta say, brother. You look like you've been in a war."</p>
<p>Eddie flips him off. "You, and <em>only</em> you, can make that joke."</p>
<p>Marcus looks inordinately pleased as he slings his arm around Sophia's shoulders and his sister shakes her head, but there's a smile playing on her lips that shows she's happy and that's worth it. "Beers?"</p>
<p>Eddie nods. "Please."</p>
<p>He returns outside simply because the backyard is bigger than the rest of the house and one of the younger cousins scurries to get him a chair and it's not until he's actually sitting that he realises how much he's grateful to sit. His arms ache, and his knee hurts, and he very carefully bends it. He's in the middle of straightening it when two more chairs scrape beside him and Marcus passes him a beer.</p>
<p>"Soph?"</p>
<p>"Got caught with an auntie." Marcus rolls his eyes and clinks the neck of his beer with Eddie's. "Gives us some time for you to tell me how you've really been. The unsanitised version."</p>
<p>Eddie wrinkles his nose and lightly kneads at his thigh around the straps of the brace, trying to loosen some of the knots of pain that linger beneath his skin. "Which part? Because I can deal with the physical aspect."</p>
<p>Marcus leans forward, hands clasped around his bottle of beer. "So it's the memory part?"</p>
<p>"You'd struggle too," Eddie points out but Marcus simply shrugs and sips a mouthful.</p>
<p>"Forgetting some of the shit we saw doesn't seem so bad, Sarge."</p>
<p>And…well. There was that to consider, he supposes.</p>
<p>"I remember most of that. It's the <em>after</em> that that's missing."</p>
<p>"Ah." Marcus shrugs again and leans back in his chair. "And you think that's worth remembering?"</p>
<p>Eddie stares at him. "You don't?"</p>
<p>Marcus fixes him with a look, one that has seen too much, one that conveys he knows Eddie far too well. Years in the corps did that, he supposes. Shared stories, shared campfires, shared meals. "You got discharged to spend time with your family and, like all of us who have that fantasy when we're being shot at and think of home, didn't realise just how tough it was going to be."</p>
<p>Eddie forces himself to focus, absorbing every word Marcus said because maybe it would help fill in gaps, or provide explanations.</p>
<p>Marcus shakes his head, perhaps knowing what he was trying to do. "You lost Shan, Sarge," he says and Eddie wonders if that is ever going to get any easier to hear. "I know you're probably missing the good parts but you've lost a lot of the bad parts with reintegration into civilian life. I wouldn't mind forgetting that sometimes."</p>
<p>Eddie wonders what Marcus did after being discharged, and he wonders what <em>he</em> did. Marcus said he hadn't realised it was going to be tough – but <em>how</em>? What had he done? Maybe Marcus is right. Maybe those are parts he doesn't want to know. Maybe those are parts he's better off having lost.</p>
<p>"Anyway, how are your friends taking it? How's Buck?" Marcus says, breaking into Eddie's musings in the most startling of ways. "I'm guessing he must be pretty handy to have around, huh? Helping you and Chris out, providing tips on strengthening your leg?"</p>
<p>Eddie's tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth as he tries to sift through all the possible answers, all the possible explanations for how Marcus knows about Buck. His sister, certainly, but he's so confused that he's almost grateful when Sophia reappears and sits in Marcus' lap. It makes his fingers twitch, brotherly urges of old never far from reach, but she runs some fingers through Marcus' hair and Eddie watches as Marcus leans into her affection, the lines around his face appearing to soften when he smiles up at her. It's clear they love each other, and it's another thing Eddie adds to his list of what he wishes he could remember.</p>
<p>"Did I interrupt boy talk?" she teases when the silence stretches between them all. Eddie's still pinging around responses and reasons.</p>
<p>"I asked about Buck," Marcus explains and Sophia's face lights up.</p>
<p>"Oh yes, how <em>is</em> Buck? Did he declare his undying love for you over your bedside?"</p>
<p>He stares at her in surprise, then to Marcus who is grinning like they know something he doesn't know. He hates it. <em>Hates</em> it.</p>
<p>"I… Uh… Buck- Buck's in a relationship with someone else," he says, watching as Sophia's face falls into a puzzled frown and Marcus' smile fades.</p>
<p>"For how long?" Sophia demands, something else sparking in her eyes that promises retribution.</p>
<p>He fidgets with his bottle. "Most of the year, I think," he mutters, lifting the bottle and swallowing several mouthfuls while Sophia splutters.</p>
<p>"Most of the <em>year</em>?" Her fingers toy with the shirt covering Marcus' shoulder.</p>
<p>"Damn, bro. What did you <em>do</em>?" Marcus adds.</p>
<p>It's his turn to splutter at the presumption in their words. "<em>Me</em>?"</p>
<p>Sophia's spare hand pinches the bridge of her nose. "Ay, Dios."</p>
<p>"You two were like…" Marcus folds his middle finger over his index, crudely twining them in a way that makes Eddie's cheeks feel warm which might be why he finds the cold beer in his hands super interesting to look at and drink. "I didn't even know you two broke up."</p>
<p>Eddie's mouth is undoubtedly agape when his eyes flick up to look at his sister and brother-in-law. Just who had Buck been to him? What had they known? How had they known it?</p>
<p>"We- I don't think we were ever together?" he says instead.</p>
<p>Sophia's still pinching the bridge of her nose when she replies, "You're telling me you weren't with someone you and Chris and Abuela never stopped talking about?"</p>
<p>Well… That answers at least some of the questions he had.</p>
<p>He shakes his head and she mutters a curse in Swedish, probably because anyone around would reprimand her if it had been in Spanish, and she extricates herself from Marcus' lap to stalk back into the house. Eddie's not sure if it's something he said, or didn't say, but it adds to the confusion he's felt in the month since he kissed Buck. Buck had already expressed his love, and then he'd followed it up with Eddie walking away. <em>Why</em> had he walked away? Why would he walk away from someone that loved him? From someone his family thought he was dating?</p>
<p>"Don't hurt yourself over there, Sarge," Marcus murmurs, patting his uninjured knee but also giving him the time and space to ruminate over the mysteries that had invaded his life.</p>
<p>He inevitably gets drawn into other conversations during the course of the afternoon but none stick with him the same as hearing Buck's name fall from Sophia and Marcus' mouths. There's one that feels like he's been torn open in front of them, when the discussion turns to who is the best cook in the family and who is the worst.</p>
<p>"Eddie," reply several aunts and at least two uncles when the latter question is posed.</p>
<p>"<em>Hey</em>."</p>
<p>"Remember when he used baking soda and the wrong flour and then wondered why the cake didn't rise?" an aunt giggles and the others erupt into laughter but Eddie struggles to muster a grimace.</p>
<p>"Don't forget when he dumped sugar in the casserole rather than salt," an uncle says to more howls.</p>
<p>The icy sensation stabs him in the guts and tears through his belly, and usually his balm is to find Chris but when his sister and Marcus are around, maybe he can find shelter with them. He lifts his crutches beneath his arms, intending to enter the house and be <em>anywhere</em> but listening to this.</p>
<p>"Or there was that time he- Hey, where are you going?" another uncle says when he spots Eddie on his feet.</p>
<p>He forces the tears away, casting a look over the aunts, uncles and cousins who are gathered and willing to poke fun at him. He knows teasing is their way of showing affection but this… This is different. It always will be.</p>
<p>"Oh." Tia Laura covers her mouth and then swats at her husband, and her sister. "Edmundo. We didn't think."</p>
<p>Her words seem to make the others realise the implications of their words and it only hastens his urge to leave. "It's okay," he says, feeling brittle as he smiles at them. "I needed a fresh drink anyway."</p>
<p>It's quiet behind him when he leaves but he hears a fresh eruption of laughter by the time he's limping through the house and figures they'll either poke fun at him behind his back or find a new topic. Nothing lingers for long. He decides to divert to the bathroom because at least that will give him a few minutes respite, where he can lean his head against cool tiles and gather his thoughts.</p>
<p>"Uncle Eddie?"</p>
<p>He pauses, casts his eyes over his shoulders at a little girl that's probably six and whose name he has no chance of knowing. He's not even sure who she's related to.</p>
<p>"Yeah, honey?" he murmurs, shuffling on the spot until he can face her. Her long brown hair is tied into a braid over one shoulder and she fidgets with the hem of her green dress.</p>
<p>"Are you gonna go back to saving people when your leg's better?" She turns big hazel on him, reminding him too much of Chris, and all he can do is gaze at her. <em>Saving people</em>? He tries to slot that piece alongside all the other pieces he's learned or remembered.</p>
<p>"I don't know, sweetheart." Whoever she is, he's not going to scare her with the fact his head is a mess. "We'll see how I feel when my leg's better, right?"</p>
<p>She nods, smiles shyly at him, and then darts away like she hadn't just asked a reasonably simple question that left Eddie reeling. Maybe he should have attended a family thing earlier. Maybe he wouldn't remember anything, but he'd certainly learn a whole lot.</p>
<p>He returns to the party eventually, hovering close to his big sister because she offers him a feeling of security and stability that he hasn't felt in months. Sophia doesn't seem to mind, leaning against his chair and running her fingers through his hair while they listen to whatever is going on around them. It helps keep his discomfort at bay and having Marcus around is also helpful, because they can swap stories of an older time that excludes others rather than so many of the recent stories that exclude Eddie.</p>
<p>There are too many of them to fit around a single table so several plastic tables are arranged and it's a long process while they eat to go around the group and say what they're thankful for this year. When it circles around to them, Sophia fixes her eyes on him across the table.</p>
<p>"I'm thankful for my little brother," she says and he reaches across the table for her hand and squeezes it tightly.</p>
<p>Chris mumbles something so quietly that Marcus nudges him. "Speak up, kid. Some of us have got hearing damage." Eddie rolls his eyes at his friend when Marcus winks at him.</p>
<p>"I'm thankful for Buck," Chris says, only a little louder and stabbing his fork onto the plate.</p>
<p>Eddie stares at him, because of all the things… "Why are you thankful for <em>Buck</em>, mijo?"</p>
<p>Chris' eyes move towards him slowly before they return to the plate in front of him. "He saved you."</p>
<p>Eddie's still staring when Sophia squeezes his hand and helps shake him out of it. It reminds him of what Cameron had said, that Buck had been the one to dig him out, and along with the little girl earlier asking him if he'd return to saving people… He pieces together the information about <em>shifts</em> and a <em>family</em> and calling Bobby <em>Cap </em>and how Athena is a cop but he's not scared of her. His eyes move from Chris, to Sophia, to Marcus, and back to his sister again.</p>
<p>"I was a- Was I a first responder?" he says and he can tell by the way her hand tenses and her mouth parts that he's right.</p>
<p>"You asking or telling?" Marcus says as he spoons more potato salad onto his plate but it doesn't matter. Sophia had never had a good poker face.</p>
<p>The realisation surprises him. Shannon had always hated the risks and dangers when he was deployed, and he senses from the conversations he has with everyone that he'd moved to LA without her. If he'd been a single parent with Chris, why would he sign up to a job that entailed hazards? At the same time, it occurs to him that the 'accident' that everyone has talked around might not have been an <em>accident</em> at all but a major injury while he was on the job. Maybe that's why he hasn't been hassled about showing up to work. Maybe that's why he's not had to deal with any bills. If he was injured in the line of duty, everything's being taken care of out of his hands.</p>
<p>He's so distracted that when going around the table reaches him, he fumbles through what he's thankful for – family, his friends, his <em>life</em> – and he keeps checking Chris has enough food, that it's sliced into small enough pieces, but he's still mulling over what he's learned and what he knows. Had he used his military medic training to become a paramedic? Or maybe he'd swapped a rifle on his hip for a Glock and he worked within Athena's world? But then what sort of TBI could he have gotten as a police officer that would leave him like <em>this</em>? He doesn't want to ask for more information but it sits there, that awareness that he'd been responsible for saving lives and had nearly lost his own in the process.</p>
<p>After eating, Sophia curls up next to him and draws Christopher into her lap.</p>
<p>"You ready for this?"</p>
<p>He wrinkles his nose, knowing there's no way in hell he's ready for this, but he relents anyway. She taps at her phone and then he holds it in front of them.</p>

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</div><p>"Soph- OH MY GOD!" Ana screams when her video connection must pick up who else is in the frame with her sister. Chris giggles while Eddie grins, leaning his head on Sophia's shoulder as he watches Ana's phone bounce all over the place as she screams and flails her arms.</p>
<p>"What? Adriana, what is-"</p>
<p>"Sophia is with Eddie and Chris! Look!"</p>
<p>The picture changes angle and flips a couple of times and then Eddie sees his mother for the first time since he was in the hospital. She covers her mouth with a gasp, eyes clearly filling with tears.</p>
<p>"My babies," she whispers and Sophia chuckles and wraps an arm around Eddie's shoulders.</p>
<p>"Hey Mama. We thought we'd surprise you."</p>
<p>"I am surprised. And Christopher too! How are you, nieto?"</p>
<p>Chris scrunches his fingers in a shy wave at the screen before pressing them back to his face. "I'm okay, Grammy. I miss you."</p>
<p>"I miss you too. C'mon, let's go find Gramps. Ramon! Come see!"</p>
<p>The phone continues to move as his mother searches for his father and Eddie starts to notice parts of the house. He frowns, adjusting the angle of his chin to examine the images closer.</p>
<p>"Did they move?" he murmurs in Sophia's ear and she inhales in surprise before nodding.</p>
<p>"Once we'd both gone to different states and a spare room for Chris wasn't needed, they downsized," she whispers back before brightening when Ramon Diaz fills the screen. "Hey Papa. How are you?"</p>
<p>"I'm good, mija. Are you with Marcus in LA?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, we came to surprise this gordito," she teases and Eddie elbows her in the side. She laughs and pinches his shoulder. "Have you eaten?"</p>
<p>"We have finished cleaning up, yes." Ramon's eyes look over the screen. "I must hand back the phone to your sister. Apparently she needs to see more of Chris."</p>
<p>Chris tilts his head against Sophia's chest, one set of fingers bunching against Eddie's arm. He loosely tangles their hands together and rubs his thumb over Chris' knuckles as Ramon's image vanishes and Ana's replaces it.</p>
<p>"Okay, I'm stealing all three of you. Marcus can survive without you, right?" Ana practically spins through the house.</p>
<p>"Why are we leaving Marcus out of this? He can come too," Sophia points out but Ana shakes her head.</p>
<p>"Siblings and favourite nephews only." She reaches some sort of family room area and flops onto the couch. "That's the rules."</p>
<p>"If you're trying to guilt me into having a baby-"</p>
<p>"I would do no such thing, hermana," Ana insists. "We know you and Marcus could never produce someone as adorable as Christopher so-"</p>
<p>Sophia squeaks with indignation while Eddie laughs and squeezes Chris' hand.</p>
<p>"I miss you, Auntie Ana," Chris says and Ana's bottom lip juts out in adoration. "You should come visit."</p>
<p>"I would if I could, baby. You know that. Work is tough to get time off, though."</p>
<p>"But we're <em>family</em>," Chris protests, like it's that easy.</p>
<p>"I'll see what I can do, okay?"</p>
<p>It sounds like something she says a lot and Eddie gets the impression she doesn't usually follow through. Not that Ana was never a girl of her word when they grew up but…Sophia always wanted to get out of El Paso, to live somewhere bigger and more exciting. He's not surprised she ended up in Chicago just like he's not surprised he moved away from the prospect of working with his father to come out to LA.</p>
<p>"Now, talk to me. Tell me how much Eddie cried when he saw you and how shocked he was when he saw Marcus."</p>
<p>He casts a withering glare at the phone and both his sisters and Chris laugh. He wonders if his older sisters will ever stop teasing him just because he's the baby of the family.</p>
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      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>All hail my artist, Maddie, who made a far better Diaz Sibling Facetime manip than I with the very limited photos available of the actresses who played Sophia and Adriana at the end of Season 2.</p>
<p>This chapter was among the last to get written, from memory. I had a placeholder for it but I struggled to work out how it all fit together. And then once I started getting it down, it became one of my favourite moments because so much family, so much sisterly teasing, so much love. I still hope we get more Sophia and Adriana in canon one day!! (Or at least references to them....)</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 7,867<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<p><strong>Warnings:</strong> This chapter deals with domestic violence and issues of consent. Please be gentle to yourself if these may be triggering.</p>
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<p>He still feels like he's skimming clouds after spending so much time with Sophia and Marcus, the unexpected reunion providing warmth and smiles that he'd savoured. It had been difficult letting Sophia go at the end of the party, her flight early the next morning to return to Chicago precluding any further catching up, but he promised he'd call and she'd promised she'd FaceTime and there was, at least, a bridge between his sisters and him again.</p>
<p>Chris is almost asleep on his crutches as Eddie guides him through the house, wishing he could just carry him to bed but knowing that's a terrible idea that his physio would kill him for next week. He smooths the blankets over Chris once he's tucked in, watching the sweet smile on his cheeks fade as he drifts off to sleep.</p>
<p>"I love you more than the whole world," he whispers, nudging a kiss to his forehead before he limps out of the room to start his own preparations for bed.</p>
<p>It's not until he withdraws his phone from his pocket that he realises he has a text from Maddie. It's from hours ago and maybe it's too late to respond when it's after eleven.</p>

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    <em>Did you hear from Buck today? He didn't show up to TG dinner.</em>
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</blockquote><p>He's not sure why she expects Buck would have gotten in touch with <em>him</em> – maybe she thought they were on a better footing after his words at Halloween – but he hadn't heard from Buck since the kiss and he's not convinced that'll change any time soon.</p>

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    <em>no<br/>was i meant 2 hear from him?</em>
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</blockquote><p>Her text comes through as he's brushing his teeth and he thumbs at the screen with his left hand.</p>

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    <em>I don't know.<br/>I just thought I'd ask.<br/>How was Abuela's?</em>
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    <em>i'll tell u tomorrow if you aren't working<br/>we need sleep</em>
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    <em>I can read texts during my breaks.<br/>Sleep sounds good.<br/>Goodnight Eddie x</em>
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    <em>night xo</em>
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</blockquote><p>He's still floating, able to feel the embrace of his sister's arms around him when he folds into bed, and he can still feel the grip of Marcus holding him upright, the booming laugh as they swapped stories Eddie wasn't sure he'd ever be able to laugh at, but Maddie's text keeps him awake at least an hour longer than he'd expected.</p>
<p>If Buck hadn't shown up to Thanksgiving dinner, where was he?</p>

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<p>There's a subtle change in his days now that he can message his sisters when he wants to complain about his leg hurting, or when he wants to ask them something he's partially remembered, or when they want to make him laugh so they send stupid pictures and memes. Contact with his sisters provides an outlet for his thoughts which is different to messaging Bobby or Maddie, because he doesn't fear them getting fed up with his shitty moods but he also knows they'll tell him to scrape his ass off the floor and curl his knee five more times like the physio said, and they also provide some much-needed levity when he's sour and furious that he can't remember something.</p>
<p>The 'something' that nags at him the most, and which neither Sophia or Ana are willing to provide answers to, is why Marcus thought he and Buck were ever together. He keeps circling back to Buck's words about loving him, about walking away, about the desperation in the kiss more than a month ago when he'd finally broken Buck's resolve, and he can't understand how or why he would have walked away. If Buck had meant that much to him, and if he'd meant that much to Buck, why had he left? It wasn't like he was afraid of being with a man. It might've been a lot of sneaking around in the military, a lot of meaningless hook-ups cloaked in shadows in Afghanistan, but he'd never put any sort of definitive label on his feelings and inclinations. It was more difficult after he was with Shannon, and especially after Chris had been born, but… Why had he walked away from Buck? A blind man would've been able to see he was sinfully attractive.</p>
<p>And then, tangentially related to his musings about his relationship with Buck, are Chris' words at Thanksgiving about Buck saving him and Cameron's to do with digging him out. Remembering he was a first responder is a start, and he resists the temptation to start Googling what might have happened that led to his injuries. Maybe it was like Buck making the news. Maybe it was like the tsunami. Maybe everyone is right – he's better off not remembering everything.</p>

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    <em>thank u for saving my life<br/>i hope u r ok</em>
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</blockquote><p>The texts go unanswered but he feels better for sending them, and he's tempted to text Maddie to learn if she's heard from Buck in the ensuing week since Thanksgiving. Maybe he was just searching for some space, or maybe he'd gone on a trip with Cameron. If he's still working – Bobby had said something about moving to a new house – then maybe he has lots of shifts, or they've been slammed and Buck's exhausted. It's not Eddie's place to know, it's not his right to interfere. He suspects he's wrecked Buck's life enough.</p>
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<p>It's Sunday afternoon when his phone rings and he frowns at <em>ATHENA</em> emblazoned across the screen.</p>
<p>"I'll be right back, bud," he promises, pausing the movie and hauling himself off the couch to provide some distance between small ears and important conversations. He taps at the phone as he hobbles towards the kitchen, figuring he may as well get some juice while he's up. "Hello?"</p>
<p>"Hi, Eddie." Athena sounds like she's in business mode and he pauses, brow scrunching as he glances towards the device on the side of his face. "Have you heard from Buck lately?"</p>
<p>His brow deepens and he forces his feet forward some more steps. "Why would you think I might've heard from him?"</p>
<p>"Something Maddie said, that you'd been in touch since you woke up."</p>
<p>He opens and closes his mouth a few times, searching for what to say that won't rat him out for monumentally screwing up. More than anything, he thinks he's selfishly protecting himself from the ire of the small group of friends he has. If something goes wrong, if that friendship disintegrates because they discover he'd broken Buck's heart, Eddie's not sure he'd feel enough ties to Los Angeles to stay. Would he go to Chicago to be closer to Sophia and Marcus? Or would that be painful too? Maybe he'd just pin a map to the wall and throw a series of darts at it.</p>
<p>"Eddie?"</p>
<p>"Sorry." He shakes away the distraction and tries to focus. "I… Um… No, I- I haven't heard from him since- Well, it was before Halloween," he admits, biting his lip to search through the many possible explanations. "We didn't talk at your party but, um… It was before that."</p>
<p>She hums and he leans against one of the kitchen counters, shifting his weight to reduce some of the pressure on his leg. "Alright. Thanks."</p>
<p>He hesitates, something itching beneath his skin that Athena is calling after Maddie had already expressed some concern, but he's too much of a coward to ask. He's too afraid to expose that he cares, that he's invested in Buck being okay, in case that leads to a whole lot of questions he can't answer. He doesn't know what they were like before when they were around their colleagues and friends. Had Maddie made the same assumptions as Marcus?</p>
<p>It dawns on him that maybe that's why she knew where Abuela lived – that Buck had shared the information with her. More than anything, it adds to his bewildered feeling of just how merged his life was with Buck. Maddie knew his Abuela's address, and his sister and brother-in-law thought they were dating and in love. Had Sophia met Buck? So far, he hadn't been able to get a read from any of her cagey text messages.</p>
<p>"Let me know if he gets in touch, alright?" Athena adds and he nods instinctively, because he's more afraid of Athena being pissed off at him than almost anyone else except maybe Buck's sister. He's not sure what Maddie would be like if she got mad but he can imagine what his sisters had been like when Shannon had left him with Christopher.</p>
<p>"Sure."</p>
<p>The call disconnects and Eddie looks at his phone, switching to his message chain with Buck and skimming through some of the words like he's meant to find a clue in them, like maybe they're an acrostic poem spelling out a very long hint of where he is or what's going on.</p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p>Right. Juice. Movie. Chris.</p>
<p>"Yeah, bud. Just getting some juice!"</p>
<p>He shoves his phone in his pocket and gathers two plastic cups, carefully manoeuvring them with the crutches but knowing that at least if he dropped anything, he'd just need a mop. Chris is right where he left him, fingers bunching into his shirt.</p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p>He lowers the two glasses to the coffee table before sitting, opening his arm to Chris who immediately snuggles back into his side. "Yes?"</p>
<p>"Do you ever think you'll stop being sad?"</p>
<p>He blinks at his son in stunned surprise. "What- I- What makes you- I'm not <em>sad</em>," he says but Chris looks up at him, eyes wide behind his glasses.</p>
<p>"It's okay. I know you don't remember lots." Chris pats his chest, his cheeks dimpled with a smile. "But you don't have to be sad about it."</p>
<p>"I…" He gazes at his son in consternation and he's vaguely terrified at just how easy it is for his son to see through him. He brushes a kiss to Chris' forehead, cups the back of his head in gentle fingers and rubs his thumb over the swell of his cheek. He debates keeping these parts of him hidden, shielding Chris from his thoughts, but maybe his son needs to know. Maybe he's been trying to pretend they're a family when the reality is they're like two strangers cohabitating. "Sometimes I feel I should remember more, though. You deserve a father that remembers."</p>
<p>Chris' brows dip into a frown, his lips pursing together around a pout. "<em>You're</em> my Dad."</p>
<p>"I know, buddy, but-"</p>
<p>"I love <em>you</em>," Chris continues and Eddie decides to shut up, smoothing his thumb some more over the soft skin of his cheek. "It doesn't matter what you remember, Dad. It matters that you're here."</p>
<p>Eddie feels the burn of tears as he tucks his arm tighter around Chris' shoulders, nuzzles kisses all over the top of his head. "I'm so lucky I have you."</p>
<p>Chris giggles, fingers wiggling against Eddie's chest. "Can we go back to watching the movie now?"</p>
<p>He asks it like he hasn't just left Eddie on the precipice of emotionally unravelling over how gorgeous and sweet his son is. Regardless of if he stays in LA or not, he's taking Chris with him. The thought of leaving Chris with his parents in El Paso… It doesn't even bear thinking about.</p>
<p>"Of course, kiddo." He squeezes Chris and then gathers the remote to press 'play' again. He strokes his fingers through Chris' hair while they watch, marvelling at his son for so many reasons he couldn't begin to name them. His heart simply wants to burst with love and affection.</p>
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<p>His phone buzzes across the bedside table and he stifles a groan. For once, he feels like he'd been sleeping fairly dreamlessly and the disturbance is very unappreciated. His hand darts out from under the pillow, groping and fumbling for the irritating device and swiping blindly at the screen when it's too bright for his bleary eyes to look at.</p>
<p>"H'lo?"</p>
<p>There's a series of stuttered breaths in his ear and even though his focus is still tipping between the balance of <em>sleep</em> and <em>wakefulness</em>, he feels concern fizz down his spine that helps scatter a few of the cobwebs from the recesses of his mind.</p>
<p>"Ed…" The small whimper of his name is almost lost among the panting breaths, and Eddie's heart clenches as he grips the phone against his ear tighter. "I w-woke you up- I- I'm- I'm s-sorry- I d-didn't mean to, I j-just-"</p>
<p>Any remaining blurry veil between the dream and reality lifts rather rapidly when he hears the significant distress crackling over the line. He slowly sits up in bed, trying to get his brain to work faster so he doesn't make a mistake in handling this conversation. "Buck? Hey, slow down for a-"</p>
<p>"I should g-go. I- I d-didn't- I'm s-sor-"</p>
<p>"<em>Evan</em>," he pleads, rubbing a hand over his face to increase his alert level and terrified by Buck getting in touch when it's- He squints at the clock on his table. <em>1:12</em>. Jesus. Alright. Focus. "Stay with me, okay? What's wrong? Where are you?"</p>
<p>The silence that greets him is deafening. He'd start panicking that Buck had hung up if he couldn't still hear the erratic breathing. It's not comforting to hear how badly Buck is struggling for breath, but he hasn't hung up. That seems important right now.</p>
<p>"I'm here, Ev, but where are <em>you</em>? I'll meet you anywhere," he insists and the hitched half-breaths add the tiniest element of a <em>sob</em> to it. He's fairly certain that his heart rips free of his chest and pools at his feet because this is a side he's not seen or heard from Buck since he woke up. Too often, it's been Eddie falling apart in Buck's arms and he feels woefully out of his depth. Most of his military training wasn't even useful for navigating these sorts of conversations. "C'mon, Buck. Please tell me where you are?"</p>
<p>"I-" Buck sniffles, coughs around another series of breaths. "You- Y-Your- Your d-driveway…"</p>
<p>Eddie's already on his feet before he's made the conscious decision to move, throwing on his bedroom light and the hallway light even though it dazzles his eyes to have so many lights on. He needs the lights on, though, so that he doesn't stub a toe or walk into something Christopher has left in the corridor. More than anything, he needs it to be a beacon to entice Buck inside. He flicks the lock on his front door and opens it, spying the crumpled shape folded into the driver's seat of the Jeep parked behind his truck. His heart lurches in his chest and he ends the call, discarding his phone to the table by the door.</p>
<p>There's a cool breeze and the thin cotton of his t-shirt provides useless protection but he can't be bothered putting on shoes or obtaining a jacket or changing. It meant wasting time, taking his eyes off Buck, and Buck might be gone by the time he was better dressed. He descends the porch steps carefully, moving slowly towards the car because he didn't grab one of the crutches, or the walking stick the physiotherapist had insisted he use, and his leg was out of the brace so he could sleep without as much discomfort. Once he's hobbled close enough to the Jeep, he can see pale fingers clutching a dark rectangle and he wonders if Buck's even realised he'd ended the call.</p>
<p>"Buck?" he calls, moving towards the passenger side and rapping lightly against the glass. Frightened eyes peer from behind trembling hands, the streetlight washing all the colour from Buck's face. "Hey, man. Do… D'you wanna come inside?"</p>

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</div><p>Buck's eyes swivel from Eddie to the house and back again. He looks like a deer in the headlights, which seems an unfortunate comparison considering his nickname is<em> Buck</em>. He makes no discernible attempt to move though and Eddie bites his lower lip, weighing up his limited repertoire of options.</p>
<p>"Or I can join you in your car, if you want?" Eddie suggests, watching Buck through the window and calculating what he could do if Buck wouldn't open the doors. Maybe he shouldn't have discarded the call so easily, but he can't think about that now because he's more fixated on what's brought Buck to his house in the early hours of the morning in such a state.</p>
<p>Buck's eyes shift towards the house again and Eddie takes that as a sign of what he wants but isn't yet allowing himself to have. Chewing at his lip, wondering if it's entirely the wrong decision to make, Eddie retreats to the porch steps and settles himself on one that's high enough that he can stretch his leg in front of him and waits. He's not dressed to wait in these conditions, and he might have to wait until the sun comes up, and by then he might be a block of ice, but he'll wait. He'll wait as long as it takes.</p>
<p>He waits probably close to twenty minutes before he hears the click of Buck's doors unlocking, the clumsy fumble of unsteady fingers on the handle as he gets the door open. It takes every ounce of Eddie's willpower to stay where he is instead of standing, instead of moving towards Buck and folding him into a hug. He can't afford to spook him and scare him back into the car now. Not when he's climbing out and shutting the door behind him as quietly as he can on the empty street, shoving hands inside the pockets of the overly large, dark hoodie that he's wearing with the fabric up and shielding his head. He looks strange in the outfit, smaller inside the ocean of fabric, more like a scared little boy than the capable and tall man Eddie knows he is.</p>
<p>"Hey," he tries again, gentle but encouraging when Buck's swollen eyes meet his. "Can… Can we go inside before I freeze?"</p>
<p>Buck visibly hesitates but his eyes also skip over Eddie's frame, presumably noting the t-shirt and sweatpants and realising that being cold is a given when it's the end of the first week of December. He manages a small incline of his head and Eddie stands slowly, gripping the bannister of his stairs to steady himself, resisting the urge to approach Buck in favour of retreating into his house. He keeps looking back at Buck, checking that the other man is following him. Even though Buck's obviously distressed, Eddie still hears Buck slide the lock of the door into place while Eddie uses the wall to balance his movements through the house.</p>
<p>He extinguishes the hallway light in favour of one of the floor lamps in his family room, softening the harsh glare slightly as he sits on the armchair and waits for Buck's shuffling footsteps to join him. The other man surveys the room like he's never seen it before and then sinks onto the empty couch, folding his right leg into his chest and wrapping his shaking arms around it.</p>
<p>"I can make tea? Or hot chocolate? There'll be coffee too if…" Eddie's words trail away when Buck shakes his head, eyes staring at the television but seeing something else entirely. It's a look he recognises, one he's seen in Chris and Maddie's faces, one he saw in Marcus' only recently when they'd talked about some of the horrible parts of life. He wonders if maybe Buck had a nightmare about the tsunami or the truck and had unravelled so thoroughly that he'd turned up <em>here</em>, of all places, for help.</p>
<p>It's at least another ten minutes before Buck's tremulous, "Will you hold me for a bit?" fills the void between them. Eddie looks up from where he's been examining the scratches and grooves in the coffee table, trying to grant Buck the silence and the space to process whatever was flashing through his head and simply just…being there. Buck still looks raw and rattled when he glances, more afraid than Eddie's ever seen, and his blue eyes are red and his face is flushed and he looks nowhere near Eddie.</p>
<p>"Yeah?" He's terrified that getting too close to Buck will drive him away again, send him scuttling back to his Jeep and down the road, but Buck gives a jerky sort of nod which makes fresh tears dribble down his cheeks. Eddie carefully shifts from the armchair to the couch, resituating himself beside Buck. His fingers barely graze Buck's shoulder when he flinches and Eddie freezes, hand hovering just above Buck's arm. "Are you sure you-"</p>
<p>"P-Please, Eddie? I n-need you t-to- to-"</p>
<p>"Okay, okay. I've got you," he soothes, because even though there's an obvious line of pain along Buck's brow which makes Eddie doubt this is actually what Buck wants, Eddie's not going to deny Buck anything right now. He circles one arm around Buck's back, the other folding around his coiled leg. He has to shift a little to get comfortable when his own leg is hardly cooperative with the idea of <em>bending</em> but eventually he has Buck leaning into him, one hand tangled into Buck's hair to cradle his head against Eddie's shoulder. "This- Is- Is this okay?"</p>
<p>Buck nods, a fresh sob spilling past his lips. Eddie instinctively tightens his grip, determined to shield Buck from everything and everyone if he must, and Buck whimpers, a hand tangling into Eddie's t-shirt to cling to him.</p>
<p>"I've got you, alright?" He brushes his lips against the top of Buck's head because he's never seen this side of Buck before and it scares him. Yet it feels instinctively okay to make promises, to assure Buck that he'll be safe here. Maybe that's what Sophia and Marcus had been alluding to at Thanksgiving. Maybe holding each other through all the shitty times had been how he'd survived in LA for so long, because right now he's willing to make the solemnest vows to never let Buck go if that's what it takes before the other man feels like he can stand on his own again. "I'm not going anywhere, querido. Take as long as you need."</p>
<p>The words seem to crack something inside Buck until there are more pitiful sobs, interspersed with heaved, desperately broken breaths, and several miserable whimpers, and a lot of sniffling. Eddie ensures his hold is firm although he has to loosen it a few times when Buck makes noises like he's in pain, and he skims his fingers through Buck's hair from time to time, whispering reassurances that Buck's safe here, and he's okay, and he's not alone, and every so often reminding him to try to inhale and exhale with some sort of regularity.</p>
<p>He wouldn't bother guessing how much time has passed before he starts to feel like Buck's cried himself out, the sag of body weight into him which is more than just for comfort. Eddie's hand in Buck's hair shifts to his jaw, tilting his head slightly to look at his tear-stained face and the hollow red eyes. It's the eyes that scare him more than anything. He's seen Buck anxious, and he's seen Buck afraid, but he's never seen him looking so utterly hopeless and defeated before.</p>
<p>"How're you doing?" He's still no closer to understanding any of the breakdown but he wonders if he can press gently enough and get some answers.</p>
<p>Buck swallows, his lips hesitating around words, and Eddie wonders why. Fear? Nerves? Pain? Fatigue? He knows he absolutely messed up with kissing Buck but had he messed up at other times which made Buck feel like he couldn't talk about what was wrecking his mind?</p>
<p>"I- I'm s-sorry I w-woke y-you," Buck mumbles, his voice hoarse and his eyes dropping.</p>
<p>Eddie gives the slightest shake of his head. "Don't be silly." He kisses Buck's forehead like he would for Chris after a nightmare, fingertips tracing over the birthmark at the corner of his eye and above his brow. "My door will always be open to you, Buck. No matter what, you should know that." The slightest of smiles tugs at his lips before he can stop it. "Even if it's not open, you have a key."</p>
<p>His awful attempt at humour falls flat because Buck's lips don't even twitch. He seems to use it as an excuse to burrow further into his arms though, which is at least better than tearing himself away. "I- I'm s-sorry…"</p>
<p>"I don't mind being woken up, Buck. I never will, okay?" He strokes his fingers back through Buck's hair, knowing that the compact way he's folded his long limbs must cause him some sort of pain.</p>
<p>Buck's breath continues to escape him in broken shudders but Eddie puts up with the silence and the uncomfortable twist in his back because Buck's shown up, actually <em>reached out</em> when he wasn't okay, and after Eddie's epic fuck-up of almost six weeks ago, he knows that's…not only a huge change, but also speaks to how monumentally bad whatever Buck has been through that he turned up <em>here</em> of all places. Eddie's certain he doesn't deserve to be the one comforting Buck, but he'd never turn him away either. The fragile friendship he thought he'd severed was still far too delicate to do anything but follow Buck's lead.</p>
<p>"Hey." He loosens one arm so he can place his hand over Buck's shaking fingers, thumb brushing against the skin. He has so many questions but if Eddie knows anything about Buck, he knows he'll quickly crawl into himself and refuse to provide any answers if he's not careful. "Do- D'you want to try to get some sleep, maybe? I'm sure I have some clothes you could change into."</p>
<p>He notes the tension that returns to Buck's muscles but he refrains from commenting on it, instead waiting for Buck to process the suggestion and make a decision.</p>
<p>"I- I d-don't want to…to i-impose like that…"</p>
<p>Eddie lightly squeezes his hand and the lack of reference to 'going home', the lack of need to leave, isn't lost on him when he's trying to grapple with everything. "You are <em>never</em> an imposition to me, Buck. I'll sit here until the sun comes up if that's what you need right now, but I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to let go."</p>
<p>It takes at least a minute before Buck nods, separating his fingers just enough that Eddie can slide his into the gaps and hold on. He takes that as a good sign. He takes that as Buck accepting the offer.</p>
<p>He nuzzles against Buck's head as he holds him and waits, using his palm against Buck's back to note the way his heartbeat and breathing gradually slow into a rhythm that almost matches Eddie's. And it might be early in the morning – easily after two by now – but he's in no rush to return to bed or sleep. He knows that whatever has shaken Buck so badly that he's turned up like <em>this</em>, will take time to pull out of him. It will certainly take Buck time to determine what he wants and even longer to actually ask for it.</p>
<p>So he waits, and he concentrates on his breathing, and he listens to Buck's raspy breaths in case it sounds like he's on the verge of spiralling again, and he stays still and as calm as he can given the circumstances that he doesn't understand.</p>
<p>"C-Can… Can I…use y-your shower?" Buck asks eventually, sounding so small and vulnerable and breakable. Eddie almost considers saying <em>no</em> just because he doesn't want to let Buck out of his sight but that's an entirely different issue. Buck might sound almost like a distraught child, but he's not. And Eddie has to be able to trust Buck.</p>
<p>"Of course you can." He squeezes his fingers against Buck's. "I'll get you a change of clothes?"</p>
<p>Buck nods and Eddie doesn't miss that he shivers when their hands slide apart. Eddie pads to his bedroom, not fretting over his decisions for too long as he rummages for some clothes he thinks will fit Buck. There's a navy t-shirt that he thinks is probably wide enough to fit across the broader shoulders and a pair of sweatpants that have enough elastic to stretch around Buck's waist.</p>
<p>The bathroom door is already closed, a thin strip of light beneath it, by the time he exits his room. He leaves the clothes on the floor in front of the door and knocks lightly.</p>
<p>"Clothes are right outside," he says, keeping his voice low because he doesn't want to disturb Chris. He can only imagine the million questions his son would have. "Extra towels are under the sink. I- I'll be in my room, okay? Take as long as you need."</p>
<p>He doesn't expect a response, nor does he receive one, so he starts to return to his room before remembering he left his phone by the door. He shuffles through the corridor to collect it and then finally sits on his bed, running a hand over his leg to eke out some of the coils of pain and discarding his phone to the bedside table. He can hear the rattle of his pipes so he knows when the water is running, which is how he also knows when the shower turns off. He calculates the time it would take Buck to obtain a towel and dry off, and he's reasonably accurate when he hears the bathroom door open and just as quickly close again as Buck collects the clothes.</p>
<p>He's completely inaccurate in his guess about how long it takes for the door to open again, and he knows far too much time has passed. He almost decides to stand, to move back to the bathroom and check if everything's okay, but he reminds himself about <em>space</em> and <em>boundaries</em> and forces himself to stay still.</p>
<p>When he finally hears the click of the door and the burst of light in the corridor vanishes, he sits up straighter and holds a pillow to his chest. Buck's feet are slow, the whisper of skin on the floorboards betraying his uncertainty as he approaches Eddie's room.</p>
<p>Eddie's not exactly sure what he'd expected from Buck's uncertainty but his breath still stops, his muscles locking him into place, and his eyes widen when Buck inches into the room. Blue eyes are fixed on the floor, the t-shirt a little too tight around the biceps and the sweatpants several inches short at the ankle, but that's only a blip on the radar of what he's really focusing on.</p>
<p>"Buck…" He discards the pillow, urging his legs to stay still even when all he wants to do is rush over to Buck and wrap him in an armour of blankets. But he's afraid he'll scare Buck into a full-blown retreat. "Cariño, what <em>happened</em>?"</p>
<p>The dark fabric of the shirt across Buck's shoulders against the pale walls betrays that he's shaking again as he hovers just inside the door, his arms folded around his waist like he's attempting to make himself smaller and smaller. "It- It looks w-worse than it i-is."</p>
<p>And Eddie doubts that because the bruises on Buck's upper arms, disappearing beneath the sleeves of the shirt Eddie's loaned him, look absolutely awful. It's the spots around his neck that Eddie knows are definitely not hickeys which are even more terrifying. He gives up his attempt at staying still to rise slowly, creeping towards Buck with his hands raised to limit how threatening he might appear to someone that's clearly had a traumatising night.</p>
<p>"Will you let me check you over?" he pleads, because his brain is screaming and flashing warning lights behind his eyes and he needs to silence it if he has any hope of settling his panic.</p>
<p>"I- I'm o-okay," Buck mumbles but he doesn't seem as certain as Eddie would like, and it's not even remotely convincing when he's standing there looking like <em>that</em>. "I- I just…b-bruise easier, Eddie. It- It's not-"</p>
<p>"<em>Evan</em>." He pauses in front of Buck with at least three feet separating them, eyes tracing over the smears of colour on his neck that are fingerprint-shaped. The urge to <em>protect</em> like he would with Christopher takes his breath away, and he'll absolutely destroy whoever has hurt Buck like this. "Will you let me check you over, <em>please</em>?"</p>
<p>Buck makes a small shrugging motion that seems to be an uncomfortable acceptance, so Eddie closes the distance between them with a final couple of slow steps. He starts with examining Buck's arms because that seems to be the least scary option of where to touch. Buck tenses anyway when he lifts the sleeves, and it's easy to establish that they're hand-sized marks when Eddie's fingertips skate over them.</p>
<p>"Are there others?" he whispers and he sees the way Buck's eyes shutter closed, the way his chest rises with a hesitating breath. Eddie can tell he doesn't want to say <em>yes</em> but he also doesn't want to lie. He barely restrains his sigh of pain and fury at whoever has broken such a beautiful man like this and he's determined to put him back together again, whatever it takes. "Can I see, querido?"</p>
<p>Buck picks at the hem of the shirt, pulling it aside to reveal the angry splotches of colour that stain his waist. Eddie's afraid to touch them when Buck's trembling so badly, so he simply lets his hands hover over the radiating flares around Buck's side and decides that the knowledge that there <em>are</em> more bruises has to be enough for now. The bruises don't look bad enough for any ribs to be broken so he nods.</p>
<p>"Okay. Thank you for letting me see," he murmurs, and Buck's quivering fingers drop the fabric to cover the bruises. Eddie turns his attention to Buck's neck and he understands now why Buck had been wearing the hoodie with the fabric over his head. It had concealed all this far too well. "I'm going to check your neck now, okay?"</p>
<p>Buck's throat bobs and he gives a tiny dip of his head. Even so, he flinches when Eddie cradles his jaw and grazes one of the spots on his throat. Eddie thinks it's more from fear than actual pain but it still tears him apart. He lets his instincts take over as he checks for possible spinal injuries and damage to Buck's throat, years of training in the military and whatever he'd done as a first responder making it feel almost natural. He follows the paths of colour around Buck's neck, tracing an index finger down the column of his throat to where the blotches of colour disappear beneath the collar of the shirt. Buck whimpers, tension invading his whole body when Eddie peels the collar aside and spies more splashes of colour spread across his shoulder.</p>
<p>"<em>Evan</em>-"</p>
<p>"Don't," Buck pleads, his blue eyes opening and revealing his terror.</p>
<p>The look breaks the remaining pieces of Eddie's heart that he'd been holding together with tape and string, because his horror at what has already bloomed on Buck's skin pales in comparison to the look that now fills Buck's eyes. It's worse than the emptiness of earlier, it's worse than the crying. The unadulterated fear makes Eddie's fragile self-control feel like it's splintered.</p>
<p>Buck visibly works to keep himself under control, his lower lip wobbling as he gazes at Eddie with unrestrained anxiety. "I- I'm okay. Nothing- Nothing <em>happened</em>, it- it's- They're just…bruises."</p>
<p>And Eddie doubts that it's <em>nothing</em> too because these bruises are clearly hands, and they've grabbed at Buck's waist and his upper arms and his fucking <em>throat</em> and that's not <em>nothing</em>. They aren't <em>just bruises</em>. He wants to growl about it, wants to ball up his fists and argue, because these speak of something that make him want to pick up the phone to call Athena immediately. But if he gets angry, he knows Buck will flee and he can't freak him out like that. Not when he chose to come here. Not when he's let Eddie place hands on vulnerable places.</p>
<p>He forces the fury away and keeps his fingers light, like handling a baby bird, against Buck's jaw. He stares into the pinked eyes of someone that's obviously frightened, of someone who has gone through a <em>whole lot </em>and resolves that if Buck is here, allowing himself to be seen like this, and held, and cared for, and after everything – after all the pain Eddie has inflicted on him during the past year or more – he can't add more to whatever Buck's been through tonight. He'll burn that bridge in the morning.</p>
<p>"Okay," he relents, brushing his thumb over Buck's cheek when a fresh tear spills free. "I'm here though, okay? I'll listen if you want to tell me."</p>
<p>Buck nods and Eddie guides him to the bed, not entirely sure what they're planning on doing, but Buck seems to have that figured out when he crawls under the blankets and tugs Eddie against him to make Buck the little spoon. Buck's quivering fingers curl around Eddie's arms and Eddie can't help but press a soft kiss to the back of Buck's shoulder, grateful he's able to provide comfort like this when Buck must be internally disintegrating.</p>
<p>"You're safe here, cariño," he promises, leeching a little more tension from Buck's shoulders when he maintains the embrace. "I'm not going anywhere."</p>
<p>He's almost certain Buck's deliberately trying to match his breathing so, for a while, Eddie focuses on keeping his inhales and exhales even. He tries to ensure his arms remain gentle around Buck's frame, not wanting to cinch too tight that it hurts or makes Buck panic that he's being restricted. It doesn't matter that it's the middle of the night, or early in the morning, because when Buck is very evidently not okay, Eddie is wide awake. He's cataloguing every action, every word, every detail that might be required to recall later. He's reconciling everything he's learned and knows about Buck with the version of him that is shuddering in his embrace. He wonders if he shouldn't have agreed to the shower so readily, if there's important evidence swirled down the drain.</p>
<p>Buck releases a breath past his lips, fingers tightening against Eddie's skin for a moment before they relax again. "Cam… Cam f-found out I'd kissed you," he whispers after at least half an hour of laying in silence. Eddie tries to not instinctively curl his arms tighter, tries to keep the burst of fury that erupts within him contained because he would <em>wreck</em> that little fuck. "He- He's always been…jealous, I guess? Or insecure? But it- This was- It was different…"</p>
<p>Eddie presses his palm gently against Buck's chest, feeling the erratic thump of the heartbeat beneath his palm. "Different how?"</p>
<p>Buck lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "He just- He got…<em>handsy</em>, I guess. Kept- Kept saying that I- I was tainted and needed to- t-to remember I was w-with <em>him</em>, no matter h-how much I m-might've wanted to be w-with <em>you</em> and I…" There's a small shake of Buck's head, a shiver rippling down his spine that makes Eddie tuck closer to him. "I froze? I- I don't know. I just- I d-didn't want to and when I shut down, he- he got more…pushy."</p>
<p>Eddie's lips find the back of Buck's shoulder again, decorating a small circle of kisses around the joint and across the wing of his shoulder blade. It helps him keep his breathing somewhat steady because he knows Buck has to be using his touch or his breathing as some sort of anchor amid his turmoil but <em>fuck</em> if he's not feeling like there's steam coming out of his ears as Buck talks. The anger that ignites within him is enough to make him grit his teeth together. He'd track Cameron down and rip his arms from his sockets so he could never hurt <em>anyone</em> again.</p>
<p>"I- I promise you though that- that nothing… Nothing like <em>that</em> actually <em>happened</em>, Eddie," Buck sniffles, fingers rubbing at Eddie's arms like he's trying to offer reassurance or maybe he senses the way Eddie's arms are infused with the urge to <em>destroy</em>. "But he- When he r-realised I wasn't…um…responding, he- he started asking all these…these q-questions about…about m-me, and you, and it- It turned into d-demands and he was- He g-grabbed at my arms to shake me, wanting answers, and I- I just blurted out that I- I didn't l-love him…"</p>
<p>Eddie closes his eyes as the swell of feelings bubble inside him. Even if Buck hates him for it later, even if it's the worst sort of betrayal of his trust, he <em>has</em> to get in touch with Athena about this. He can't let this go. He can't just ignore this. He can't let Buck go back there and be hurt again. Not when he knows Maddie's gone through something similar. Not when Maddie and Athena had expressed concern that they hadn't heard from Buck in a while. If he knew about this and kept it quiet, there'd be no forgiveness. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he didn't keep Buck safe.</p>
<p>"He- He was…w-was so m-mad and I…" One of Buck's hands releases its grip on Eddie's arm, lifting to his neck and it's enough of an explanation about what happened next. "I- My time in basic helped and I- got h-him off and I- I just took off. I d-didn't know where I could go because it was such a- an awful hour to…to flee."</p>
<p>Eddie ponders Buck's reference to 'basic', filing that away against all the other parts about Buck he doesn't remember or know, and lightly smooths his palm against Buck's chest. "I'm so grateful you felt you could come here."</p>
<p>Buck sniffles. "I didn't- I didn't know where else to…to g-go… M-Maddie would probably end up h-having flashbacks and Bobby would storm around and Hen… H-Hen would probably watch me drink t-tea and cry and I… I didn't want to…to be a-alone. I needed… I n-needed <em>this</em>, to…to just be held and…" Buck's fingers curl back around Eddie's arms and Eddie's pretty sure he'll never let go, not for anyone, not for anything. Not if that's what Buck needs of him right now. "I'm not- I won't go back, okay? I promise. I- He- He's never been like <em>that</em> before but I'm not s-stupid. I know it's an escalation and- and I can't. I was- I was just so s-scared..."</p>
<p>Eddie cinches his arms a little tighter, pressing more kisses across his shoulders even when he feels Buck twitch against the bruises that have to sting. "You always have a place here, querido," he murmurs, shifting his hand against Buck's chest to find his hand and twist their fingers together. "If you get scared or I make you feel unsafe tonight, tomorrow, whenever, just say so, okay? I don't want you feeling afraid because I'm holding you too tight or doing something that frightens you."</p>
<p>Buck's lips ghost over the knuckles of his hand before it tucks against his chest. "I- I've never felt unsafe with you, Eddie," he admits, so quiet it's like he's afraid to say it out loud.</p>
<p>"My offer is always there, okay? I want you to feel protected here." He noses at the nape of Buck's neck and kisses that too, not exactly sure if it's okay to be this affectionate or if Buck will panic at that too, but it helps reassure the angry monster inside him. Buck hasn't given any sort of indication it's not okay. If anything, he seems to lean into it a little more every time. Even so… "Is this… Is it okay? To hold you like this? Because I- I never want you to feel like you can't come here or that I- that it's too much."</p>
<p>Buck hiccups, his grip tightening around Eddie's hand like he senses Eddie's moments away from tearing them apart with his own insecurities. "I- I thought you- A-After last time, maybe you w-wouldn't-"</p>
<p>"Hey, no." He shakes his head, tucks as close as he possibly can until the only thing truly separating them are some thin layers of fabric. He can feel every curve of muscle and ridge of bone against him and he will protect every inch of Buck if he must. He's killed before, he can do it again. "Kissing you was completely on me, but this is different. This <em>has </em>to be different. You'll always have a place here, Buck. You'll always be welcome and this is always a safe place. But I- I don't want you to be uncomfortable, alright?"</p>
<p>Buck starts shaking again with barely-repressed sobs. "That's not- I- That's not the- the time that I m-meant…"</p>
<p>"Oh sweetheart…" It's only obvious when Buck spells it out for him – <em>he'd walked away last time Buck had wanted something from him</em>. He could've walked away this time. He could've shut the door in Buck's face and told him to leave. He could've sent him away. There's no way in <em>hell </em>he would have done that but Buck was obviously so frightened by the possibility that it fractures something else inside Eddie's chest. "<em>Never</em>. Never again am I walking away from you, okay? You've got me, whatever you need. I fucked up, I know that, and I will apologise to you ten times a day until you know it." He squeezes Buck's hand tightly, wishes he could crush him in the tightest possible cuddle but he knows that will hurt too much. "Right now, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You came here to be held and I won't let you go."</p>
<p>Buck's trembling turns into proper sobs and Eddie lets him cry, occasionally offering hushed reassurances of safety and care and warmth and protection and love and anything else he can think of until Buck's thoroughly depleted and sagging into Eddie's grip.</p>
<p>"Rest, cariño," he encourages, rubbing his thumb over Buck's knuckles. "Rest, and in the morning, you can cuddle Chris until his light helps banish some of your clouds."</p>
<p>Buck's tension gradually lessens and Eddie knows when he's finally asleep. He waits a while longer, doesn't want to move and disturb Buck in such a way that he wakes again, but he eventually successfully manages to release his grip just enough to send a quick text to Athena and flick off the light. Buck's breathing is slow and regular, though a little crackly through his raw throat and blocked nose, but Eddie's thankful he's finally getting some sleep and can only hope it's not riddled with terrifying sights.</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure he wants to sleep, not sure he trusts himself to close his eyes and find out Buck's left while he dozes, but he's so tired that his eyes lapse closed anyway. His thoughts meander towards a silent thank you to whoever continues watching over Buck, whoever continues to keep him alive, and feels a tear pool against the bridge of his nose when he thinks about how Buck trusted <em>him </em>after the night he's had.</p>
<p>He'll never doubt the bond he must have had with Buck ever again.</p>
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    <em> <strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The fic didn't show up in the tags last week so...here's to hoping it shows up this week??</p>
<p>And uh....so fun fact about this chapter as a distraction from the pain? I kinda randomly wrote the scene of Buck showing up as a one-off thing that didn't fit into anything because I had some images floating around in my head. I was in the middle of first drafts for this and realised that with some chopping and tweaking and adjusting, I could probably make it fit as a bit of a turning point. So then in the rewriting stages I adjusted some of Cameron's mannerisms to make him more unsettling in the lead-up to this chapter. Writing is such a strange process!</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,374<br/>
<strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
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</div><p>Eddie and Chris are in the middle of breakfast when there's a knock at the door. His leg protests how quickly he moves to answer it but he's been fidgeting all morning, probably driving Chris nuts as he frets about Buck getting out of bed and deciding to leave before Athena can intercede. He hasn't known how to explain to Chris that Buck is asleep just down the hall, because he knows Chris will want to see him. He doesn't know how to explain Buck's hurt, because then Chris will worry about Buck too.</p><p>So when there's finally a knock and he hastens to the door to swing it open, he thinks his tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth when he sees Athena <em>and</em> Bobby.</p><p>He leads them back to the kitchen table, unable to meet either of their eyes or drum up some sort of small talk to break the ice. He wants to tap his fingers on the table with nerves. Athena's staring at him. It's awkward. He hadn't expected them <em>both</em> to show up.</p><p>It probably doesn't help that Athena is in her full uniform, so maybe she's officially on duty or maybe she will be when she leaves. She looks pissed enough to kill Eddie, and he hasn't even done anything. Nor has she seen Buck yet. Or knows exactly why she's there.</p><p>"Hey, buddy? Can you, uh- Can you play in your room for a little while? I need to talk with Athena and Bobby." Eddie strokes a hand against the back of Chris' head, watching his kid pout at the thought of missing out on important adult information. "I promise I'll come get you and tell you what's going on, okay? But this is important and I- I need to talk with Athena and Bobby first."</p><p>Chris looks between all three of them, his gaze narrow and assessing, before he sighs and the scrutinising expression morphs into a smile. "Okay, Dad. I love you."</p><p>Eddie smiles at him, squeezing the back of his neck lightly as he wiggles off the chair. "Love you too, mijo."</p><p>He tracks the sound of Chris' crutches through the hall and can tell when he's reached his room because the clicking stops when he hits the carpet. Eddie's eyes swing from paying attention to that to meeting Athena's furious glare and Bobby's concerned expressions.</p><p>"'<em>Buck's in trouble, visit in the morning</em>'?" Athena places her hands on top of the table, leaning forward slightly and making Eddie feel like he should be wilting like a sick flower. "Start talking."</p><p>He hesitates, eyes flicking towards the bedroom as he debates how much to say before Buck emerges. Maybe it's because he's spent so much time around Bobby lately that recognition dawns in his eyes first.</p><p>"He's here, isn't he?" Bobby observes and Athena's brow wrinkles for a second as she looks between Bobby and Eddie, and then it clears with understanding.</p><p>Eddie nods, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth as he debates how much he should or shouldn't say. He hasn't slept well, kept awake by the anxiety that Buck might leave in the middle of the night and wondering what to say when he saw Athena. Now that she's here, and Bobby too, he's still no closer to having any words to explain what he knows without taking the opportunity from Buck to tell his story.</p><p>"He's…hurt," he allows, and Bobby's eyebrows draw together and Athena's lips purse. "He showed up last night and I- I got him to calm down eventually. He- He's still sleeping, I guess, because it took a lot out of him but, um… He showed me a lot of...of bruising and it...scared me."</p><p>"Bruising?" Athena echoes at the same time as Bobby asks, "From the blood thinners?"</p><p>He's not sure what Bobby means but maybe that explained Buck's claim that he simply bruised easier. Still, the harsh blossom of colour around his throat wouldn't just <em>appear</em> without some sort of pressure behind them. They'd been vivid enough last night. He hated to think how awful Buck would look in the stark light of morning.</p><p>He shrugs at Bobby and then looks towards Athena. Whenever Buck emerged, he probably wouldn't talk about what had happened. He doubted he'd talk about who was to blame. "He… He said it was Cameron."</p><p>Athena's eyes narrow. "Are we talking about assault?"</p><p>Eddie instinctively knows Buck would <em>hate</em> that word but given the stain of hands at his throat? His eyes drop, his head tilts slightly to the side in acknowledgement, and Eddie can hear Bobby's breath of surprise or shock across the table.</p><p>"Eddie."</p><p>He lifts his gaze back to Athena and she looks every bit the experienced cop as well as a protective tigress. If he thought he'd been furious enough to tear Cameron apart with his bare hands last night, it was nothing compared to drawing Athena's ire.</p><p>"I… I think that's safe to assume." He's nervous to talk too much in case he'd made the wrong assumptions from Buck's faltering words. "He- There's bruising around his neck."</p><p>"His <em>neck</em>?" Bobby exclaims.</p><p>Eddie twists his hands together in his lap and looks towards the bedroom door, afraid of overstepping. "I- Do you mind if I check on him? I thought he would've been up by now and he could- He could decide what to tell you..."</p><p>Athena looks like she wants more answers, and he knows she has more questions, but she nods and he escapes their stares. He inches the door open, spies Buck still huddled under the blankets facing away from the door, and for a moment he thinks Buck must've been exhausted if he's still sleeping.</p><p>"I'm awake," Buck rasps and Eddie closes his eyes, breathes in as calmly as he can to steady himself, and steps into the room. He moves around the bed to settle on the edge of the mattress in front of Buck.</p><p>There's a blossom of colour beneath his chin that wasn't there the night before, but the rest of the blankets are pulled so high that Eddie can't examine just how bad he looks. His blue eyes still look tired, rimmed with red, and his cheeks are blotchy, like he's been crying again.</p><p>"Hey." He extends a hand slowly to settle it on the bed in front of Buck, giving him the chance to decide whether he holds or rejects it. "How're you feeling?"</p><p>Buck grimaces. "Sore." It's clear from the croak in his voice that maybe Eddie should be worried about additional damage to his throat beyond the bruises. He shifts a little and a tentative set of fingers wrap around Eddie's, just enough to bridge the gap between them.</p><p>He hates having to tell Buck that he contacted Athena, that she's sitting at the kitchen table waiting for answers, but there's no way to avoid it. "I- I need you to not hate me."</p><p>Buck frowns, eyes tracing over Eddie's face.</p><p>"I, um… Athena's here." Buck's eyes flash with betrayal, his fingers drawing away from Eddie so quickly that he didn't even have a chance to hold on. "Buck-"</p><p>"No." Buck shakes his head, shuts his eyes to break their eye contact, expression slowly turning into a terrifying blankness the longer Eddie stares at him and hopes he'll say or do something.</p><p>"Buck, <em>please-</em>"</p><p>"I'm not talking to her," Buck insists, and it's clear the words hurt when he winces and lifts a hand to his neck.</p><p>"Fine. I'll talk to her." He knows his words aren't fair, the way his tone is laced with a challenge or a threat, but it has the desired effect. Buck opens his eyes again to stare at him with a mixture of fury and fear. "I'll tell her you're hurt. I'll tell her it was Cameron. I'll tell her I'm scared for you and I want to know how to keep you safe and-"</p><p>"You wouldn't."</p><p>He can't bear to tell Buck he already has, so he decides to try something else, some other way to get through to Buck. "You matter to me, Evan." The blue eyes turn shimmery with tears. "Your <em>safety</em> matters to me and if you think I'm not going to protect you in every way I can, you don't know me as well as I thought."</p><p>Buck sniffles, a small tear sliding across the curve of his nose. "I don't deserve you," he whispers and Eddie has many questions related to that comment but he'll wait until later, maybe <em>much</em> later, before he asks any of them.</p><p>"And yet, here I am. For as long as you'll need me," Eddie promises.</p><p>Buck stares at him. "I've always needed you, Eddie," he says, and his voice is the prettiest husk that Eddie's ever heard.</p><p>Buck wriggles a little to give Eddie more room on the mattress and Eddie settles a tentative hand somewhere against Buck's middle. He suspects it's too sore to touch his bruised waist but he meets Buck's wary eyes steadily.</p><p>"I want to help you, Ev." He watches Buck's eyes drop, determined to find ways to burrow into his forgiveness, determined to learn why Sophia and Marcus joked there was more between them. "Athena wants to help you too. You helped save Maddie from Doug, and I can guarantee everyone who has helped me these past few months will be there for you too. Please, sweetheart. Please let us help you?"</p><p>He can feel Buck trembling beneath the blankets and he'll wait a thousand years if that's what it takes for Buck to heal from all this. As long as Buck never goes near Cameron again, Eddie will handle whatever bits of friendship he can mend between him and Buck.</p><p>Buck shifts and Eddie fears he's going to hide under the blankets again, or maybe roll away to avoid eye contact, but he sits up and the blankets slip and he reaches for Eddie like Chris often does after a nightmare. Eddie scoots closer, loosely wrapping his arms around Buck while shaking arms curl around his shoulders.</p><p>"I've got you, cariño." He repeats the words from last night, pressing a butterfly-soft kiss to Buck's cheek as the other man snuggles into him. Although Buck's shaking, he also releases a sigh that might almost be relief as he leans his weight against Eddie. And Eddie… He knows he has a lot of questions but he also knows a lot of things with absolute certainty. "I know I- I don't remember everything but I know that plenty of people love you, and plenty of people have been worried about you, and plenty of people will be here as fast as they can if they know what's going on, Buck." He rubs a gentle hand down Buck's spine, catching the quiver when he grazes bruised locations. "I know you don't believe me but it doesn't matter if you think you deserve it or not. They will all be here just as I am now, because they love you."</p><p>"I've hardly spoken to anyone all year," Buck mumbles but Eddie knows that doesn't matter. He's been so inundated by support from people who he can only recall in disjointed fragments. Someone like Buck would have Hen and Chim and Karen and Michael here in a heartbeat, and he already knows Maddie will hold him for hours with a fierce glare on her face.</p><p>"Then maybe it's time to start, querido?"</p><p>Buck lifts one shoulder in a shrug and Eddie presses another kiss to the smudge of pink above his eyebrow and the top of his head. He remembers his nerves from last night, or this morning, about being too affectionate, about pushing Buck too far or too fast, but something felt…normal about holding Buck, about letting him breathe and settle.</p><p>After several minutes, Buck loosens his grip enough to tip his head back, one eye blurrily meeting Eddie's. "Eds, I… Will… W-Will you kiss me?"</p><p>Eddie raises an eyebrow, all too vividly capable of remembering how last time went. Not to mention the reason why Buck's here in the first place, his skin littered with the evidence of someone furious that they'd kissed. But… But he doesn't want to reject Buck's request again. It'll give entirely the wrong idea to Buck and then… He didn't need amnesia to know there'd be no hope for repairing them if it happened again.</p><p>Even so, he's tentative in cradling Buck's jaw, in tilting his head and rubbing his thumb in a circle over Buck's cheek. "You sure? Because I- Being here for you is a- I'm not attaching strings to it, Buck. I just need you to be safe."</p><p>Buck visibly swallows, anxieties flashing through his eyes. "I know, Eddie. But it- Kissing you again is- is all I've thought about for <em>weeks</em> and I-"</p><p>Eddie stops hesitating and brushes their lips together, stilling whatever words might have been about to stutter free. He feels the way Buck inhales sharply, the tension that invades his muscles, and maybe Eddie shouldn't have moved so quickly when he's still hurting and afraid, but then Buck increases the pressure and Eddie stays somewhat still, following Buck's lead to determine what's too much rather than guiding his head. One of Buck's hands splays through his hair, nails catching against his scalp at about the same time as Eddie's teeth graze Buck's lower lip, and he feels the shiver travel all the way down Buck's spine.</p><p>"<em>Eddie</em>," Buck whimpers, and it's a plea rather than a warning, but Eddie keeps the kiss slow and gentle. He can feel the shaking that goes all the way to Buck's bones. He refuses to push Buck so far that he shatters, not when he already feels so fragile.</p><p>He eases back gradually, dragging the tip of his nose along the slope of Buck's, tracing the lines of Buck's face with his fingertips, dragging his thumb against Buck's lower lip. He watches the blue eyes open and marvels at how they're a shade darker, some of the fear missing and replaced by something which sparkles. Eddie's not sure what it all means but it seems like a very good thing and it's the sort of look he'd like to keep.</p><p>"I already lost you once, Evan." He kisses the tip of Buck's nose, the gap between his brows, his forehead. "I'm not stupid enough to lose you again."</p><p>Buck frowns at him, thumb massaging circles against the nape of Eddie's neck which is alarmingly soothing. "How much do you even remember?"</p><p>He shrugs. "Enough." Because he does remember enough. He knows about Buck's broken leg being a result of the truck overturning, but he's guessing it must've been a work thing given their line of work. He knows about the tsunami and how Buck saved Chris' life. He knows how Buck went to save Maddie after she was kidnapped. He knows Buck is important to everyone around them, and he knows that everyone seems to look to him to explain details about Buck. Their lives had been entwined in ways he doesn't remember but knows were important. He'd gleaned as much from Abuela, and Sophia, and Marcus, and Bobby, and Maddie.</p><p>More than anything, he knows Buck had loved him.</p><p>Buck stares at him with so much vulnerability, so many insecurities, exposed in his expression that it almost breaks his heart. He drags his knuckles down Buck's cheek, desperate to remove the anxieties clouding his eyes.</p><p>"Please, Ev." He cradles Buck's face while his other hand tugs at the t-shirt Buck had borrowed. "Will you let us help you?"</p><p>"I know you, Eds," Buck mutters, rolling his eyes when Eddie raises his eyebrow. "That's not as much of a question as you want it to sound."</p><p>He grins because he can't help it, pressing a small, chaste kiss to the corner of Buck's lips because he wants to and…he thinks he can. He thinks that's a thing he's allowed to do. Buck still looks guarded but he doesn't look disgruntled.</p><p>"You have options here, Ev. You <em>always</em> have options." He circles his thumb around the outline of Buck's lips, watching the way his breathing hitches. "This is about your health and wellbeing, though. And I <em>really</em> don't want you dealing with this alone."</p><p>"I have you though."</p><p>Eddie scrunches his nose and corrects himself. "I don't want <em>us</em> dealing with this alone."</p><p>"<em>Us</em>?" Buck practically squeaks and Eddie starts to wonder if he shouldn't just hide under the blankets.</p><p>"You know what I mean, you brat," he huffs and it's Buck's turn to wear a faint grin, even though it's clear he's still uncomfortable about leaving the room to face Athena. Eddie knows he'll do it though, because Buck trusted Eddie in the middle of the night to take care of him, and Buck had to know Eddie would either kill Cameron or call for backup. "Will you join me?"</p><p>He holds Buck's gaze, hands light against him, until the other man's eyes slide away and he concedes a small nod. Eddie kisses his forehead and finally allows a look to the bruising over Buck's neck and throat. There are spots so dark they almost look black and Eddie knows Athena's right: this is clearly assault, regardless of whatever medications Buck might be on.</p><p>"Can I- Can I check you over again?"</p><p>Buck shrugs, eyes flickering towards him briefly. "I promise it- it looks worse than what happened…"</p><p>Eddie doesn't believe him, might never believe him when he downplays it, but Buck's not as shaken and scared as last night and he complies easier to let Eddie's hands shift over him. His fingers start at Buck's throat, gritting his teeth against the stains, and then tugs at the collar of the shirt to examine the bruises along his shoulders. They're also darker than before Buck slept, and he wonders if he shouldn't have suggested a whole lot of ice before encouraging Buck to sleep.</p><p>He examines the bruises on Buck's arms next, which have lost the distinct finger-shape and now blur into angry purple patches that mar the ivory of his skin. Buck tenses when Eddie's fingers move towards the hem of his shirt, one of his hands curling into the blankets, and Eddie immediately freezes.</p><p>"I can stop." He pulls his hands back. "I'll-"</p><p>"No, it's okay." Buck releases an unsteady breath, eyes meeting Eddie's briefly. "I know Athena will- She'll want to see too so you…you may as well know."</p><p>"I don't have to. I-"</p><p>"Eddie." Buck's calm as he shifts in the bed, dragging the blanket further down. "I'm not going to break."</p><p>Eddie has doubts, even knowing what he does that Buck's been through hell the last couple of years, but Buck simply sighs and peels the shirt up and Eddie swallows whatever irritation he might have had to focus on the blur of colour at his waist which creeps towards his bellybutton. If Buck's on blood thinners, it might explain <em>some</em> of the excessive bruising but there was no way this hadn't been violent and terrifying.</p><p>He brushes his palm against Buck's chest, fingers as light as he can make them to check for any obvious deformities to sore ribs. Buck's eyes squeeze shut, the muscles in his abs tensing, but he otherwise doesn't betray how he feels about it. "How's your back?"</p><p>Buck shrugs, chewing at his bottom lip. "I think I- I think I remember him shoving me against a wall? So it's probably just as bad but I-"</p><p>"Show me," Eddie pleads, encouraging Buck from the bed. Buck faces the wall, hiking the shirt higher, and Eddie discovers fresh outlines of fingers that had curled against his waist, patches of colour on his lower back that are too close to his spine. He lifts himself to his feet to press the shirt higher and finds more mottling decorating shoulder blades. No wonder Buck had twitched when Eddie had kissed his shoulders. There wasn't much of his torso that didn't have some evidence of what was clearly a horrific assault.</p><p>He maintains his composure better than last night and Buck doesn't dissolve into fresh tears either. He snakes his fingers down Buck's forearms to fold among his fingers, squeezing tightly as he places the softest of kisses against the back of Buck's neck.</p><p>"I know I said it this morning but I'm <em>so glad</em> you felt like you could come here to be safe," he whispers and Buck wraps their joined hands across his stomach, tugging Eddie into hugging him from behind. Now that he's more aware of all the bruises across Buck's back as well as his front he's more afraid of hurting him by pressing against a sore spot, but Buck doesn't seem to care.</p><p>"You broke my heart but you've never given me a reason to feel unsafe," Buck says, equally as quietly.</p><p>"Buck, I'm-"</p><p>"I know." Buck squeezes his hand and twists in his grip, meeting Eddie's eyes even though he's not exactly sure what his face is doing after hearing that. "I <em>know</em>, Eddie. And I still don't understand it and I- With your injury, maybe I never will but I- That's a conversation for another day and another time, okay?"</p><p>He almost wants to cry when the familiar feeling of being undeserving of Buck and his comfort affection returns ten-fold. He nods, because he's not going to argue with Buck, not now, not about this, and feels slightly dazed by the peck Buck gives him. There's a small degree of reassurance in the small, but loaded, gesture. It <em>almost</em> tastes like a promise, but he won't think that far ahead.</p><p>He's still disappointed when they untangle and he uses Buck's arm for support because he'd left both crutches by the table. He tries to avoid the accusatory glare when Buck spies Bobby waiting at the table and instead continues the slow shuffle to return to his chair. He knows the attention of Bobby and Athena is solely on Buck and he knows the t-shirt fails to hide the bruising up his throat or around his arms. When he looks at them, he can tell they're inventorying everything they can see and, like Eddie last night, wondering about what they can't see.</p><p>Buck sits beside Eddie and reaches for his hand, and Eddie wouldn't deny him a thing. He matches Buck's grip and suspects it's the only thing stopping him from bolting as Athena and Bobby hold a very long silence while staring at him.</p><p>"Do you want to press charges?" Athena says and Buck's fingers curl tighter around Eddie's. It's abrupt, maybe a little harsh, but when she's dressed in her uniform Eddie can imagine she's seen this many times before and so she knows exactly what she's dealing with.</p><p>"It's just 'cos of the blood thinners," Buck mumbles, his gaze fixed on the table in front of him like it's the most fascinating thing he's seen in days.</p><p>"So the blood thinners give you magic handprints on your throat, Buckley?" Athena retorts and Buck flinches at the venom in her tone, eyes darting to meet her very fixed, very calm expression. Even if Buck <em>doesn't</em> want to press charges, Eddie's pretty sure Cameron's going to end up with a very irate police sergeant on his doorstep. And possibly her husband. And her husband's colleagues. And a former military staff sergeant. Bobby's eyes sparkle with promises of blood and fury for Cameron and Eddie wouldn't mind participating.</p><p>"It was- He- He was just…angry," Buck says, quiet and guilt-ridden. "He didn't mean to-"</p><p>"How many times do you think Maddie said the same thing?" Athena interrupts and Buck pauses, staring at her with frightened eyes.</p><p>"Athena…" Bobby warns but she doesn't break her staring contest with Buck.</p><p>"You know as well as I do that he could've killed her. Judging by this," she waves at Buck's throat and gentles her voice, "he could've killed you too. I don't need to know where the other bruises are when I can see <em>that</em> one, baby."</p><p>Eddie's attention switches from her to Buck and he watches the way Buck struggles with everything he must be feeling. A tear finally rolls down his cheek when he lowers his head and releases a shuddering breath, and it's all Eddie can do to squeeze his hand and rub his thumb over some of the knuckles.</p><p>There's a clatter of crutches in the hallway and Buck stiffens, clinging to Eddie's hand even as Eddie thinks he should race to intercept his son. Bobby moves instead, his low voice saying something to Chris that makes him laugh and then Eddie can hear the retreating footsteps again as they evidently return to Christopher's room.</p><p>The tension in Buck's posture barely reduces.</p><p>"Will pressing charges even <em>do</em> anything?" Buck asks and Eddie looks to Athena, at the way some of the furious press of her lips reduces as she realises Buck's defiance is withering.</p><p>"It means there's something on his record if he ever does it to someone again. It means he knows how strong and courageous you are." Athena's hands fold together on top of the table. "It means we can protect you and remind you how much everyone in your life loves and adores you, Buckaroo."</p><p>Eddie can hear the way Buck's breath catches and he gives another small squeeze to Buck's hand, like a gentle reminder that he'd been telling the truth before.</p><p>"What happens if he finds me?" Buck whispers, another tear sliding down his cheek. "Doug found Maddie. He- He could find me and-"</p><p>"Baby, we know who he is. <em>We</em> can find <em>him</em>. Doug lied to Chim to get close to Maddie. We're not going to make the same mistakes again, are we?" she says and Buck hesitates, blue eyes meeting Eddie's, before he shakes his head at Athena. She smiles, reaches across the table with her palm up, and Buck's spare, trembling hand looks huge when it folds into hers. She flashes a hopeful smile at Eddie and then fixes her shrewd attention on Buck. "Can you tell me what happened?"</p>
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<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>FireFam #LoveOnBuck Time: <em>Engage</em>!</p><p>For reals though, Athena is fierce and amazing and I love her.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,187<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
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<p>Buck vanishes into the bathroom after Athena has used Eddie's room to take photos of the bruising. She looks as devastated as Eddie feels, rubbing her fingers into her temples as she returns to sit at the table where he's been restlessly shifting for the last fifteen minutes. "How is he?"</p>
<p>She looks as lost as he'd felt last night, which is at least somewhat reassuring to his frazzled nerves. "Considering he's barely been in touch with anyone all year?" She shrugs and shakes her head with regret painted across her face. "Thank you for texting me, Eddie. Thank you for having a place for him."</p>
<p>"Always." There's no hesitation. He doesn't need to stop and think about it. Keeping Buck safe meant more than anything in the world. "Did you- Did you get enough photos? Of everything?"</p>
<p>She nods and that helps him relax into his seat. Hopefully that means enough evidence has been gathered. Hopefully that means Cameron might face some sort of consequence, even if it's just getting arrested and a terrifying speech from Athena. Maybe he's being incredibly naïve but he has to hope for the best otherwise he's not sure how to hold it together around Buck.</p>
<p>"What was he like last night?" The tone in her voice shifts and it's clear she's flipped back to Police Mode, digging for more information to add to whatever report she'll write and file. He swallows and looks at his hands, sorting through the myriad of words to focus on the parts he'd deemed were most important.</p>
<p>"Terrified." He's not sure he'll ever forget the frightened eyes peering at him in the car, or the vacant look when he'd tried to determine what Buck needed. "There was- There was so much crying and trying to get him to slow his breathing? I was- I didn't know what to do."</p>
<p>"You seem to have done rather well," she points out but he shakes his head because it hadn't felt like that at the time.</p>
<p>"He, uh… I suggested he stay over and I could find him some clothes. I didn't even know he had all the bruises until after he'd showered because he'd had a hoodie."</p>
<p>Something sparks in Athena's eyes that he doesn't like. "He showered last night?"</p>
<p>He nods, the doubts from early this morning creeping in again. "Should I not have-"</p>
<p>"You didn't know what was going on." The narrowed look in her eyes gentles and she reaches across the table to grasp his hand. "He's clearly been through something traumatic and if you'd tried to stop him or deny him, there's no telling what would have happened. You have to allow him the space and opportunity to be independent, okay?"</p>
<p>He's not sure exactly what she means but he nods again anyway. "We, uh… He let me check him over once he got out of the shower and it took him a while before he started telling me what had happened. He was- I think he was afraid I'd judge him or tell him to leave."</p>
<p>Athena purses her lips but says nothing, so he forges on.</p>
<p>"Once I managed to get him to sleep, I texted you. It was- I know it was early but I- I can't deal with this alone." He rubs a hand at his head by way of explanation. "I don't know <em>how</em> to deal with this alone."</p>
<p>She squeezes his hand lightly. "You did the right thing, Eddie. He might be irritated about it later though, so you need to be prepared for that."</p>
<p>"I know." It's all he's thought about for hours. How Buck will be <em>after</em> Athena and Bobby leave. "I- Um… Can I go check on Chris? He's probably getting frustrated being kept out of the loop."</p>
<p>"Of course, honey. It's your house." She lets his hand go and gestures towards the corridor, so he grabs one of his crutches and uses it to steady him as he moves to Chris' room. Bobby is sprawled on the floor playing with some of Chris' action figures while Chris tells a story and points at the figures in Bobby's hands when they need to do something. He leans in the doorway with a fond smile on his face, forever in awe of how blessed he is to have such a wonderful son and supportive friend.</p>
<p>Chris' eyes catch on him, words cutting off mid-sentence as his lips spread in a grin. "Dad! You gonna join in? Bobby's making Iron Man and Flash have a battle for who's the best superhero."</p>
<p>Bobby glances at him, looking less than thrilled by what he's been roped into, but plaintively going along with it anyway. "Not today, champ." He tries to paste a smile on his face and bury the tension he can hear in his voice, and Chris must hear it too because his smile falters. "We, uh- We've got someone staying with us for a little while who might, though."</p>
<p>He steps around Bobby and sits on Chris' bed, extending his hand to his son to join him. Bobby helps Chris to his feet and Chris wobbles the few steps until he can sit on the bed, where Eddie wraps an arm around his shoulders and tugs Chris into his side. He looks between Bobby and his kid, doubting that he can truly shield Chris from much of this when he can imagine the first thing he'll do when he hears Buck is here is demand a hug. He can't afford for Chris to be too firm against the bruises, doesn't want Buck to end up more hurt and sore than he already is, but he also can't deny his son the opportunity to hug the person that he's apparently most grateful for this year</p>
<p>"Buck's here." He watches the way Chris' expression lights up as though he's just said Christmas has been moved forward several weeks to tomorrow and tightens his grip, drawing Chris' attention to the fact he needs to talk to him about something serious. "Buddy, we're going to be very gentle with him, okay? He, uh… He's a bit bruised right now so we don't want to hurt him. And if we want to hug him or sit near him, we're going to ask first, alright?"</p>
<p>Chris frowns. "Okay. Did he get hurt at work?"</p>
<p>Eddie looks at Bobby helplessly, knowing that Chris had to be smart enough to know that getting 'hurt at work' wouldn't lead to bruises up his neck.</p>
<p>"Hey Chris? Remember when Chim and Maddie were hurt?"</p>
<p>Some of Chris' excited wiggling lessens as his attention turns to Bobby. "Yeah?"</p>
<p>"And remember how we had to be gentle with Chim when we were hugging him?"</p>
<p>Chris nods. "His tummy was hurt. And Auntie Maddie was shaking all the time."</p>
<p>"Exactly." Bobby's eyes meet Eddie's for a brief second and he hopes his gratitude that Bobby handles this conversation better than he ever could is conveyed, even though he's rapidly putting pieces more together about what must have happened to Maddie when she was kidnapped. "So we're going to do the same with Buck until he feels better."</p>
<p>"Okay." Chris nods, and then his eyes swivel back to Eddie. "Is he gonna stay with us for a while?"</p>
<p>"I don't know, mijo. That's up to Buck to decide." He hopes Buck does stay, though. He's not sure where else Buck can feasibly go right now but he hopes he stays.</p>
<p>Chris leans into him and Eddie kisses some of his curls and rubs a hand down his back. "I'll be gentle. It'll be like after the tsunami. He was sore and bruised then too."</p>
<p>"He was?" Bobby sounds surprised and Chris looks at him, shrugging against Eddie's side.</p>
<p>"Of course he was."</p>
<p>There's something he doesn't understand in Chris' matter-of-fact tone and Bobby's confusion but for now, he lets it go. Maybe it's because he suspects Buck doesn't talk about how he feels all that often. Maybe Bobby hadn't known the extent of Buck's injuries after the disaster.</p>
<p>In desperate need to turn the conversation towards something else, he focuses his attention on his son. "Should we wait with Athena for Buck to finish having a shower, bud?"</p>
<p>Chris nods, the squirming back as he evidently starts to think about Buck being so close. Bobby passes Chris' red crutches over and Eddie lets him go, the clatter of them moving towards the kitchen giving him several minutes to simply inhale and exhale.</p>
<p>"How are you handling this?"</p>
<p>He shrugs at Bobby, running a haphazard hand through his hair. "I didn't expect it to…to go like this, if I'm being honest." He's not sure how he could've expected it to go but…seeing Buck hurt was not something he ever wanted to deal with. "Thank you for keeping Chris company, though. It was- I don't want Chris knowing everything."</p>
<p>"Any time." Bobby climbs to his feet and then extends a hand to Eddie. "You and Buck needed the time with Athena and this is definitely something that's too much for Chris. Did Buck tell her everything?"</p>
<p>"I think so?" Bobby breathes a sigh of relief and it's such a small action that conveys just how much Bobby loves and worries about Buck. He wishes Buck could see it, could see how his whole extended family would rally around him to infuse his soul with all the love that Cameron had stolen from him. "He, uh… Athena took a bunch of photos so that should help, right?"</p>
<p>Bobby squeezes his shoulder as they leave Chris' room, a comforting brush that settles some of the anxiety that getting in touch with Athena had been the wrong thing, that somehow Buck will flee because he'll feel like Eddie betrayed him. Chris is at the kitchen table, feet swinging as he tells her all about Thanksgiving at Abuela's and getting to play with cousins and hugging Sophia while they FaceTimed with Ana. Athena's smiling at him as she listens, her hand curling into Bobby's when he sits beside her, and Eddie lingers behind Chris' chair, combing fingers through the curls to help steady his nerves.</p>
<p>"And then Uncle Marcus told Auntie Laura that-"</p>
<p>There's a click of the bathroom doorway and Eddie darts out of the conversation to intercept Buck in the hallway. He's not surprised that Buck's pulled the hoodie on again because the fabric helps conceal the colour on his arms and some of the bruising at the base of his neck. His eyes have that horrible distance again though, still pink from possibly hiding tears in the shower.</p>
<p>"Hey…" He's not sure exactly how Buck's feeling and when Buck drops his eyes to fiddle with the cuffs of his sleeve, tugging them as low as he can, he inches forward to still the anxious movements and draw Buck's eyes towards him. "What's wrong, Ev?"</p>
<p>"It- It's just- I- I haven't checked my phone but I- He's probably called, right? Or texted? He'll feel awful and want to apologise and I-" Buck's voice wavers when Eddie inches closer to draw Buck into a loose hug, shaking his head because there's no way he's going to entertain the thought of Buck choosing to make contact with Cameron and exposing him to more danger. "I should l-listen to him, shouldn't I?"</p>
<p>Eddie wonders if Maddie went through the same thing when she was with Doug, and if Athena or Bobby will get in touch with her as soon as they leave. She might struggle with her memories and her guilt over what happened but he thinks she'll be the only one capable of listening to Buck's uncertainty and explaining to him why it's a terrible idea.</p>
<p>"You need to be safe," Eddie reminds him, brushing a kiss to his cheek. "You can't go back there."</p>
<p>"But he- he'll know it was wrong, right? He won't do it again. I won't let him-"</p>
<p>Eddie has to fight the urge to ball his hands. "There's no way I'm letting you go back there, querido. Athena and Bobby won't either."</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>He loosens his grip so that he can stare into Buck's eyes. "Sweetheart, if you keep protesting why someone who hurt you somehow <em>deserves</em> a second chance, then I'll make sure Maddie's here within an hour and she can tell you why going back is more dangerous."</p>
<p>Buck shudders but his expression seems to suggest he understands Eddie's words. "I'm sorry…"</p>
<p>"It's okay." He rubs the slope of his nose against Buck's and presses their foreheads together. "I told you I'd protect you and I <em>will</em>, okay?"</p>
<p>Buck relents with a small nod. It's not going to stop Eddie reaching out to her but at least it's stopped Buck suggesting he should get in touch with Cameron.</p>
<p>"C'mon," he murmurs, twining his hand with Buck's to lead him to the kitchen table.</p>
<p>Chris squeals as soon as they're within view and clambers off his chair, reaching up to Buck and wobbling a little on the spot. "Can I hug you, Buck?"</p>
<p>Buck's eyes sweep across the adults in the room, something almost guarded in his expression, before he lets go of Eddie's hand so he can drop to one knee. Chris wraps his arms around Buck's shoulder and there's a small sob that Buck tries to bury into Chris' shoulder.</p>
<p>"Gentle, bud," he prompts but Buck shakes his head.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Eds," Buck sniffs, his hands looking huge against Chris' back.</p>
<p>"I've missed you, kid."</p>
<p>There's something almost hysterical about the laugh that escapes Buck as he lessens the grip to cradle Chris' cheek and gaze into his eyes with some sort of wonder. "I've missed you too, Superman."</p>
<p>Chris stares at Buck, shifting slightly restlessly under the intensity in Buck's eyes before his head tilts towards the ground. "Do- D'you still love me, Buck?"</p>
<p>Eddie feels very much like he's intruding on the most private of moments as he watches his son with Buck. Fresh tears spill down Buck's cheeks as he presses a kiss to Chris' forehead, temple, tip of his nose, one of his cheeks.</p>
<p>"More than you will ever know, buddy." He folds Chris into his arms and lifts him, and Chris immediately wraps his legs around Buck's waist. There's a wince in Buck's eyes but he's already tucking his nose into Chris' shoulder and neck, his rough inhales clearly audible. "I love you <em>so</em> much, Christopher. Never, <em>ever</em> doubt that, okay?"</p>
<p>Eddie glances at Bobby and Athena, notes how Athena's got her eyes lowered and Bobby's watching with the sparkle of unshed tears in his eyes, and he's glad it's not just him that feels like a mess.</p>
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<p>They spend the day watching movies after Athena and Bobby leave. Chris has been curled into Buck's lap the entire time, snuggled against his chest with a head resting against Buck's shoulder and tiny fingers held within Buck's much larger hand. It's clear Chris has missed Buck with the adoring looks he keeps shooting upwards, and it's equally clear there's a deep bond between them because the anxiety and fear in Buck's expression has morphed into contentment. He thinks his son might just be magic. He doesn't try to interrupt either of them either, doesn't even attempt to pry them apart, just occasionally brushes a hand through Chris' curls or along the back of Buck's neck. By mid-afternoon, there's almost a comfortable silence among them.</p>
<p>So of course the calm has to be broken by the sharp ring of the doorbell.</p>
<p>Buck flinches and circles his arms around Chris tighter, the terror that invades his face obvious.</p>
<p>Eddie presses a light kiss to his hair. "I've got it. It'll be okay, cariño."</p>
<p>Maddie stands on the doorstep, eyes glittering with tears and her bottom lip bitten almost raw. "Can I see him?"</p>
<p>He hesitates, wondering how Buck will react when he's only just started to seem like he's catching up to reality again, but Eddie suspects there's nothing that would stop Maddie from barrelling into his house. If Sophia or Ana were hurt, all the locks in the world wouldn't keep him out. "Just be gentle."</p>
<p>She reaches for him, a hand light against his face. "Thank you for always being there for him, Eddie."</p>
<p>He nods at her and guides her through the house. Buck's face falls when his eyes catch up on her, half-hidden behind Eddie's shoulder, even as Chris exclaims his delight at seeing her and wriggles free of Buck's arms for a hug.</p>
<p>"Hey, little man." She hugs him tight, kisses the top of his hair. "You taking care of my brother?"</p>
<p>"The <em>best</em>. Buck's wanted to cuddle all day."</p>
<p>She laughs and rubs a hand over his back. "I'm glad to hear it." Her eyes meet Buck's but Buck's still looking at Eddie.</p>
<p>"I didn't call her." He raises his hands innocently but he's not surprised Bobby or Athena got in touch with her. "Hey, bud? How about we leave Maddie and Buck to talk and we'll go pick something up for dinner?"</p>
<p>Chris looks between the three of them and it's clear he knows something more significant is going on. Eddie can't tell him, he wants to give Buck that choice or dignity, and Bobby had provided a good explanation for why Chris needed to be gentle so all day Chris has been checking if Buck was in pain. He'd been so loving and sweet and Eddie doesn't want to tarnish Chris' trust in the world and the people in it.</p>
<p>"Can we get ice cream?"</p>
<p>Eddie smiles. "Maybe. Maybe we'll bring some back for Buck and Maddie."</p>
<p>Chris cheers and Maddie releases him so he can disappear into his room to fetch some shoes.</p>
<p>"I'll give you at least an hour," Eddie says as Maddie looks at him gratefully, sliding an arm around his waist. He drops a kiss to the top of her head and catches the way Buck's eyes narrow as he looks between them. "Take care of him for me, alright?"</p>
<p>"I'll be gentle," she teases, giving him a brief squeeze before letting go to sink into the couch beside her brother. Buck is still staring at him, and there's a renewed anxiety in his expression. Eddie doesn't want to leave him but he knows Buck will be safe with his sister. He knows Maddie might be the only one who can talk sense into him.</p>
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<p>Maddie stays until after Chris has been put to bed, and she's yawning almost constantly by the time Buck convinces her to leave. Eddie can tell Buck is frustrated or overwhelmed by her presence but he hasn't protested with Maddie and Eddie about checking his phone in a few hours. It's a good thing because Eddie had pinched it from Buck's car earlier, taken one glance at the screen filled with messages in capital letters, and switched it off and buried it in the glove compartment of his truck. As far as he's concerned, Buck doesn't need to be exposed to any of that right now.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Buck mumbles as he lingers in the bedroom door, hoodie discarded for the t-shirt. His fingers twist into the hem of the t-shirt, bottom lip caught between his teeth.</p>
<p>As much as Eddie likes seeing Buck in his clothes, he realises they need to go shopping. Visiting wherever Buck's been living with Cameron probably isn't an option right now.</p>
<p>He holds out a hand to Buck, hoping to entice him closer, but Buck looks ready to run so he lowers the hand and traces over Buck's hunched shoulders like they hold all the answers. "What are you sorry for?"</p>
<p>"I'm-" Buck hesitates, sighs, restlessly shifts his weight on his feet. "I know I'm imposing and I-"</p>
<p>"You aren't an imposition."</p>
<p>"-wish I could just get out of your hair and-"</p>
<p>"I don't mind you being here."</p>
<p>"-hate bothering you with all this," Buck continues like Eddie hasn't been trying to correct him, hasn't been staring at him in disbelief while he rambles with such defeat in his posture. Everything about Buck's words and actions in the past twenty-four hours makes Eddie suspect there's more to the relationship with Cameron than just some one-off bruises.</p>
<p>"C'mere, Ev." He encourages Buck to shuffle the handful of steps until he sits on the bed beside Eddie, fingers twisting into knots in his lap. "Look at me, cariño."</p>
<p>Buck's blue eyes shimmer when they meet Eddie's and he fights with his urge to reach out and touch Buck, to offer physical comfort when he also knows Buck has been too quiet since Eddie returned home with dinner and ice cream. He's not sure what Maddie and Buck talked about but he could tell from their pale faces and tired eyes that it hadn't been pretty, and he suspects Buck's been fragile all afternoon and evening.</p>
<p>"You can stay here as long as you need and as long as you want, Buck." He raises his finger to silence Buck's look of protest. "There's an exception to that: I'm not going to let you walk out of here to go back to Cameron. In the meantime, <em>stay</em>. You <em>deserve</em> to have someone take care of you and remind you how important and loved you are. You hear me?"</p>
<p>Buck gazes at him, clearly uncertain.</p>
<p>"I <em>want</em> you here, Ev." That seems to have a more desired effect because Buck's expression falters, so he forges on. "You always have a place to stay here, with me and with Chris. Okay?"</p>
<p>Buck's throat bobs, eyes falling away from Eddie's. "Okay," he whispers, fingers twitching in his lap. "Can… Can you hold me again tonight? It… It helped me sleep."</p>
<p>It blows his mind how much trust Buck continues to have in him and if he has to spend the rest of his days correcting every mistake, he will.</p>
<p>"Of course I can."</p>
<p>He gestures for Buck to get comfortable, flicking on the bedside light so he can turn off the main room lights. A warm glow covers the room as he crawls under the covers. Rather than facing away from him, Buck nervously meets his eyes when Eddie holds out his arms.</p>
<p>"You sure you don't mind?"</p>
<p>"Not in a million years," Eddie assures and Buck almost shyly folds himself into Eddie's embrace. He kisses Buck's forehead and when Buck tilts his head back to look up at him, he gauges all the flashes of emotions that linger in the blue eyes.</p>
<p>"Is this okay?"</p>
<p>Buck's eyes scan his, palm brushing over Eddie's chest. "It- It's a lot to...to get used to."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry I can-"</p>
<p>He starts loosening his hold but Buck whimpers, fingers coiling into his shirt. "Eddie-"</p>
<p>"I don't want to overwhelm you and-"</p>
<p>"Eddie. <em>Eddie</em>. Stop." Buck clings to him, voice cracking and making Eddie grow still. "It's a lot but I- It's just because I didn't...expect it."</p>
<p>And it hurts that Buck has all these expectations that Eddie will break his heart again, or that Eddie will turn him away. "Please tell me if it's too much, okay? I don't- What we were before-"</p>
<p>"I know, Eds." Buck's lips turn down. "We were different then, and it's okay. But I'm not glass. I'm not going to break."</p>
<p>He manages the faintest hint of a smile. "That's true. You're more valuable than just <em>glass</em>."</p>
<p>Buck rolls his eyes. "Will.. Will you kiss me again?"</p>
<p>Eddie complies if only because he'll never deny Buck anything, but it's brief and apparently that's not enough for Buck because his grip strengthens. Eddie slowly deepens the kiss, licking his way into Buck's mouth, tasting the minty toothpaste, feeling the shiver against him. Buck tentatively returns the kiss and it's not particularly heated, but there's a hazy smile that lingers on Buck's lips which entrances him. It fades too quickly when Eddie pulls back and he's almost tempted to kiss him again, and again and again, just to keep it there a little longer.</p>
<p>"I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow," Buck mutters, trailing his index finger along Eddie's side as he tucks his head against Eddie's shoulder.</p>
<p>"You could call in sick?" Eddie's eyes drift over the glimpses of Buck's bruised neck but Buck shakes his head slightly.</p>
<p>"I can't hide here forever and you need your space too."</p>
<p>"Buck-"</p>
<p>"I'll be okay," Buck promises, kissing his chest and sounding far more confident than Eddie feels. "Routines are good."</p>
<p>Eddie still feels dubious but he sets an alarm for the morning and switches off the light. Buck cuddles into his arms again, apparently more comfortable in the dark because his mouth finds Eddie's and there's more heat this time because Buck's hands wander over his chest.</p>
<p>"<em>Sleep</em>," Eddie reminds Buck, catching the puff of laughter between kisses even though he'd happily do this all night if that's what Buck wants.</p>
<p>"Stop being so kissable, then."</p>
<p>"Should I apologise for that?"</p>
<p>He can feel Buck's smile against his neck when the other man tucks his head there. "Never."</p>
<hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Christopher Diaz can break my heart and heal my heart every time.</p>
<p>All the cuddles with Bobby and Athena and Chris and Maddie - <em>I need them for my own soul</em>.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,096<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>''Why can't I find my phone?!"</p>
<p>Eddie hates lying to Buck but he's been keeping up the charade for fifteen minutes since Buck started tearing apart the house and he's not about to change now. He's even gone as far as to encourage Chris to look too.</p>
<p>"I'll call it," he volunteers in an effort to be helpful, holding his phone to his ear, listening to the ringing. Buck tilts his head to one side like a puppy trying to listen more acutely.</p>
<p>A beat then a sigh. "I can't hear it."</p>
<p>"Maybe the battery died?" Chris suggests.</p>
<p>"Shit. If the battery died, I'll <em>never</em> find it," Buck groans, rubbing a hand across his face and looking like he wants to search the couch a fifth time.</p>
<p>Chris giggles. "Buck said a bad word."</p>
<p>Buck pulls an apologetic face at Eddie.</p>
<p>"Look, you need to go to your shift," Eddie says, holding up an index finger to his lips to Chris while he ends the call. "We'll keep looking for it and once it's found, we can plug it in to charge and it'll be here, waiting for you after your shift. Okay?"</p>
<p>Buck looks unhappy but when he checks his watch and his eyes widen, Eddie knows he'll leave without it.</p>
<p>"Fine." Buck grabs his keys off the kitchen table with a jangle. "I'm just lucky I have another uniform in my locker but Cap's gonna be mad I'm late and I can't even call him."</p>
<p>"Then <em>go</em>," Eddie insists with a wave, and he's as surprised as anyone when Buck darts a kiss to his cheek and then Chris' as he leaves. He's still blinking stupidly after Buck for several seconds after the door closes until Chris' laugh breaks some of the trance.</p>
<p>"Buck kissed your cheek."</p>
<p>Eddie looks towards his kid, who's leaning against the wall with his crutches with a grin that's far too smug. "He did."</p>
<p>"He didn't used to do that."</p>
<p>Eddie realises that he could so easily find himself falling for Buck, slipping into a relationship even though Buck's barely untangled himself from a horrible one. He's not sure how to bring it up with Buck in a way that won't scare him off, but he also knows he'll need to slow it down so he's not some easy rebound for Buck. And none of that considers that some sort of relationship could be a problem for Chris.</p>
<p>He encourages Chris to sit on the couch, searching for the words as his son fidgets beside him. "Chris… I know you said you were grateful for Buck at Thanksgiving but… I don't remember Buck the same way that I remember you."</p>
<p>Chris frowns. "How do you remember Buck?"</p>
<p>He hesitates, looking at his hands instead of his son's trusting hazel eyes. "Buck and I were… We were friends, right? Good friends?"</p>
<p>There's another of Chris' giggles. "Dad, he was always here. You were <em>best</em> friends."</p>
<p>"Okay. Well." He clears his throat, wets his bottom lip with a swipe of his tongue. "We- We're trying- We're learning how to be best friends again."</p>
<p>"Because you don't remember him?"</p>
<p>He lifts his eyes to Chris and knows it could be so easy to just say <em>yes</em>, to blame it all on a brain injury that swept away his knowledge of Buck into an irretrievable vortex. But… "I think- I think I hurt Buck, bud," he says and Chris' eyes grow wide. "Earlier this year, I think- Maybe? I'm not sure but… It's why we have to be gentle with Buck, because I want him to stay. I want him to feel safe with us."</p>
<p>Chris' cheeks dimple around a smile. "Because we love him?"</p>
<p>Eddie opens and closes his mouth wordlessly several times. "Is that… Is it okay for me to…to care about Buck so much that he stays?"</p>
<p>Chris shrugs, still smiling widely. "Buck being around so much will be like it used to be, even if you kiss now."</p>
<p>Okay. Well that's…okay. He breathes a small sigh of relief and curls an arm around Chris' shoulders. "We don't have to kiss if it- if you don't want us to, bud."</p>
<p>"It's okay, Dad." Chris leans into his side, fingers bunching into his shirt. "Buck makes you happy."</p>
<p>And Eddie's not sure he would have exactly called himself <em>unhappy</em> before but he knows his son is ridiculously astute in his observations so he's not going to doubt it, even though the thought that Buck's presence can have such an influence on him that it's terrifying.</p>
<p>"He makes you happy too, right?"</p>
<p>Chris hums, tucking his knees towards his chest to become a ball under Eddie's arm. "The <em>happiest</em>."</p>
<p>He rubs his hand lightly against Chris' back as he turns on some cartoons, mulling over the words and checking for any signs that maybe Chris had doubts, that maybe he and Buck need to be more mindful of what they say or do in front of Chris. It distracts him from the guilt of hiding Buck's phone in his truck, which he'll retrieve soon enough and probably <em>does</em> need charging. He hates the thought of all the awful messages that will fill the screen and he wishes he could scrub the vile words before it ever gets into Buck's hands. He knows there are some things Buck is better off never reading.</p>
<p>He leaves Chris in front of the TV nearly an hour later, claiming he needs to get something from his truck. Chris doesn't bat an eye as Eddie leaves. He finds the phone in the glove box, pressing the power button as he ascends the handful of steps to the porch and leaving his keys on the table by the door. It's still starting up as he resumes his seat beside Chris.</p>
<p>"You found Buck's phone!" Chris exclaims and Eddie smiles slightly nervously. "Was it in your car?"</p>
<p>"Uh…" Eddie swallows, having a feeling that Chris will see straight through him. "I found it outside. Maybe Buck dropped it the other night when he stopped by."</p>
<p>Chris accepts the lie with a nod, his attention returning to the cartoons at the same time as Buck's phone finishes loading. It almost immediately starts pinging and chiming with messages and Eddie blinks at them all rolling through – the missed calls, the voicemail messages, texts that seem to become increasingly irate with more and more capital letters and profanity.</p>
<p>"Wow," Chris says when the phone finally stops making so much noise. "Someone <em>really</em> wanted to get in touch with Buck."</p>
<p>"Yeah." The phone is locked with a passcode and Eddie's doesn't stand a chance trying to guess it, so he thumbs across the notification where he can still read the messages. There are two that stand out, one from late last night – "<em>I KNOW U HV A SHIFT 2MORO. CANT HIDE 4EVER</em>" – and one from early this morning – "<em>CANT WAI AND REMIND U WHATS GOOD 4 U</em>".</p>
<p>It feels like someone's dumped ice water over his head and he's shifting off the couch to grab his phone from the kitchen table, swiping at the screen and dialling Athena's number with shaking hands even as Chris calls out in surprise after him. He walks through the hallway towards the front door as it rings, heart in his throat as he eases onto the porch so that Chris can be shielded from the conversation.</p>
<p>"I'm working, Eddie," Athena says in lieu of a greeting when the call finally connects.</p>
<p>"Good. Buck's in danger."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"Cameron texted Buck," he says, the words spilling out of his lips so fast he's not even sure how well she understands him. "Cameron knows he has a shift right now and he's sent threatening texts that he's going to show up at his workplace."</p>
<p>Athena curses and Eddie hears some screeching tyres in the background, the burst of sirens filling his ears. "How long ago did his shift start?"</p>
<p>"I don't know. Maybe half an hour or an hour? The traffic-"</p>
<p>"Alright. I'm on my way."</p>
<p>The call ends and Eddie's stomach twists inside out when he starts looking at some of the other texts. They range from apologetic and pleading to furious and demanding, laced with threats and manipulation. It's the angry ones that worry him, the ones which claim Cameron can ruin Buck's reputation, or the ones where Cameron insists <em>Buck </em>needs to apologise, or the ones claiming Buck is better off with Cameron. It's those which disturb Eddie the most, because they highlight that Cameron's unhinged, like he'd so easily seek some sort of sick revenge despite the fact it's <em>Cameron</em> who hurt Buck.</p>
<p>He struggles to concentrate on anything else after that, pacing through his house, cleaning breakfast dishes, fiddling with preparations for lunch. He keeps looking at both his phone and Buck's, keeps waiting for some sort of update or news, keeps hoping Athena will call and tell him he's freaking out over nothing and Buck's fine and doing his job perfectly.</p>
<p>As much as he keeps trying to convince himself, he knows that the longer it is without any sort of information, the more likely it is that something's gone wrong.</p>
<p>Chris is almost finished with lunch – Eddie hadn't been able to bring himself to eat anything – when Eddie's phone buzzes with a text. He swallows as he picks up the phone, feeling the weight of Chris staring at him as he reads:</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Bobby: <em>c arrested. I have b. coming to u. he's in rough shape</em></p>
</blockquote><p>He releases the steadiest breath he can and then meets Chris' gaze. "How do you feel about a sleepover at Abuela's?"</p>
<p>Chris fidgets with the sandwich finger he has left on his plate. "Something's wrong, isn't it?"</p>
<p>His kid is too smart and too observant to keep lying to him, but Eddie still can't give him the whole story. "Buck's…going through some stuff right now. That's why we need to be gentle and why we need him to feel safe here," he says cautiously, messaging his Abuela while he talks because he has a feeling that Buck will need space and Chris' sweet curiosity wouldn't allow him the opportunity to fall apart.</p>
<p>"So Buck will be safe with you while I'm at Abuela's?"</p>
<p>Eddie runs his hand over Chris' hair, dredging up his best attempt at a smile. "Yeah, buddy. He- He might not be feeling so good."</p>
<p>"That's okay. I can stay with Abuela." Chris says it with an unwilling sort of acceptance, perhaps because he knows how much Buck held onto him after talking with Athena. Still, together they work to pack a bag for him for the night and school the next day. They're in the middle of packing the second bag when Abuela texts that she's on her way and it draws Eddie's attention back to Bobby's text. He feels torn in so many different directions, flying blind without enough knowledge of Buck to what he's meant to do, or to say, or how to act. What did 'rough shape' mean? Had Cameron hurt him again? Why had he been arrested? Did it mean he'd stay away from Buck now?</p>
<p>There's a knock at the door not long after and Abuela hugs him, cradling his cheek and staring into his eyes. He wonders if how lost he feels is painted across his skin in technicolour.</p>
<p>"Are you taking care of yourself, Edmundo?" she murmurs and he nods at her, even though he feels like he's shredding himself apart with guilt and anxiety and concern about Buck because maybe if he hadn't walked away from Buck, none of this would be happening now. She smooths her thumb over his cheek, lips pursed as she surveys him. "Do not sacrifice your own recovery just because you care too deeply."</p>
<p>In any other circumstances, he knows she'd be right. Buck's different, though. What Buck's going through is different and he'll never turn Buck away when he's going through this. He knows Maddie would be there for him, and Athena and Bobby, and he assumes Chim, Hen, Karen and Michael would know by now, but Buck came <em>here</em> when he was in distress. Eddie's not going to turn him away now.</p>
<p>"I'm okay, Abuela." He kisses her palm as a promise and leads her through the house. Chris is still lingering in his room, his school bag over his shoulders but the other clearly too heavy or awkward to lift with his crutches.</p>
<p>"You'll keep Buck safe, right?" Chris' teeth pull at his lower lip, swaying with uncertainty while staring up at Eddie. The sweetness of his son, his kindness and love and light, makes Eddie's eyes prickle a little.</p>
<p>"Of course I'll protect him, mijo." He pulls Chris toward him for a gentle cuddle. "He loves you as much as I do."</p>
<p>Chris' face nuzzles into Eddie's stomach, his crutches bumping at Eddie's legs. "I love him a lot too. You'll tell him that?"</p>
<p>"I promise." He runs his fingers through the curls and Chris nods, evidently satisfied. Chris leaves for the front door and Abuela slings the extra bag over her shoulder, meeting her shrewd expression with an arched eyebrow. "What?"</p>
<p>"Maybe you are Evan's guardian angel," she says thoughtfully. The reference to her words in the hospital catches him so off-guard that all he can do is blink.</p>
<p>He follows her to the car and helps Chris into the backseat, showering his head and cheeks in kisses and tightly squeezing his hands. He hates sending his kid away but he's also afraid of the vague 'rough shape' of Buck and he doesn't want to scare Chris. He's lucky Abuela is so willing to swoop in and take Chris off his hands so that Buck can have whatever space he needs.</p>
<p>"Be safe." She pats his chest before she climbs into her car and leaves, Chris waving from the backseat with a beaming grin.</p>
<p>Eddie's hands are shoved in his pockets and he's still gazing after her when he sees Bobby's car approaching from the other end of the street, slowing as it approaches the driveway and then turns. He can see Buck in the front seat, eyes blank and cheeks pale just like the night he'd shown up in a panic, and his stomach twists with the knowledge that he made the right decision to shield Chris from this.</p>
<p>Bobby meets his eyes through the windscreen, giving a slight shake of his head when Eddie nods towards the passenger seat. Eddie stays where he is, watching Bobby turn the ignition off and his mouth move around words Eddie can't hear. There's no recognition in Buck's eyes, no change in his expression, and Eddie scales up his concern about what exactly 'rough shape' meant according to Bobby.</p>
<p>Bobby gets out of the car first, tracking around to the passenger side to open the door. Buck looks stiff as he gets out, his arms folded across his stomach and shoulders clearly shaking. He shuffles a few steps towards Eddie, who is desperately trying to stand still and not drag him into the tightest hug he can manage.</p>
<p>"Hey, Ev…" Blue eyes find his, but they hadn't looked so lifeless and colourless this morning when Buck had rushed out the door with a kiss to Eddie's cheek. There's a dull greyness to the blue he hadn't seen the other night and it's a chilling contrast to the spots of red splattered across his grey hoodie. "How- How about we get you inside, sweetheart?"</p>
<p>Buck walks towards the house like a robot, avoiding Eddie's outstretched hand, avoiding any sort of acknowledgement that he's even spoken. Eddie can't tell if there are more bruises circling his neck but his gaze still tracks over his body, trying to see if there are other changes to his face, his skin, that might've been different compared to this morning.</p>
<p>His attention turns to Bobby as soon as Buck's inched inside the house. "What the hell happened?"</p>
<p>Bobby winces apologetically. "I don't know. Athena called me to collect him once it was already over and statements had been collected."</p>
<p>"And what was <em>it</em>?" he insists, because if he's going to stand any sort of chance of helping Buck then he needs to know what has left him even <em>more</em> catatonic than a few nights ago.</p>
<p>"I gathered Cameron didn't actually lay a hand on him," Bobby says, which isn't as comforting to Eddie as Bobby might want it to sound. "Cameron entered the station and started shouting for Buck while Buck was talking to the Captain about his, uh…bruises. As soon as Buck heard the yelling, he told Pete to call 911 and darted out of his office."</p>
<p>Eddie closes his eyes, feeling nauseated at the thought that Buck could so willingly send himself into the firing line for danger. Cameron could've had a weapon. Cameron could've killed him.</p>
<p>"Pete only heard half of what was said because he was on the phone but I know there were mentions about Ali and Abby," Bobby pauses, looking at Eddie with a narrowed gaze, "and you."</p>
<p>He hopes his face doesn't react to <em>that</em>. He's had enough practise keeping neutral expressions in the face of superior offices.</p>
<p>Bobby sighs, his eyes lifting towards where Buck's disappeared inside the house. "Cameron made threats and when it looked like he was going to get physical, some of the other guys at the 83rd caught his arms and pinned him. Athena arrived soon after and arrested him. She's going to file a restraining order on behalf of Buck and try to keep Cameron on remand."</p>
<p>Eddie's lost for words, glancing over his shoulder even though Buck's gone. "You- Do you want to come in and be with him?"</p>
<p>Bobby clasps his shoulder, a knowing sort of smile on his face that makes Eddie's face feel warm. "I'd love to but he needs <em>you</em> right now. I'm only a call away if you need something though, alright? <em>Both</em> of you."</p>
<p>Eddie's not so sure he has any idea what he's meant to do but he lets Bobby go and ensures he locks the door behind him as he moves through the house. He eventually finds Buck curled on the floor of the living room, his back against the couch. He pauses for a moment, tries to figure out what he should do, and then gathers Chris' blanket. He approaches the bundle of Buck cautiously, aware that with his face buried against his knees he can't have seen Eddie approach and his breathing is loud enough to suggest he may not have heard him approach either.</p>
<p>"I'm here, sweetheart," he whispers, draping the blanket around Buck's shoulders, watching the way Buck trembles but also twists the tips of his fingers into the fabric and turns his face into it. He sits at the far end of the couch to provide distance, closing his eyes and telling himself that's all he can do right now. "I'm here so take as long as you need."</p>
<p>It's at least half an hour before some of the ragged breathing starts to lessen, at least half an hour of Eddie trying his absolute best to stay still and keep his breathing regular and looking at Buck every ten seconds for some sort of change. He couldn't say Buck's <em>relaxed</em> but he does seem to have exhausted himself. He assumes it was a panic attack because he hadn't heard any sobs, just a whole lot of hyperventilating and shaking, and he wonders if it's happened before.</p>
<p>"E-Eddie," Buck whimpers and Eddie sits up almost immediately, heart rocketing around his chest at the pitiful plea of his name.</p>
<p>"I'm here, cariño." He watches Buck shudder as he grips the blanket in his fingers. "What do you need?"</p>
<p>"I… Can… C-Can you s-sit behind m-me?"</p>
<p>He scoots along the couch without hesitation, shifting his leg around Buck who stays on the floor. His knees press close to Buck's shoulders, calves running alongside Buck's arms, and now he can feel just how badly Buck's shaking. He almost touches his hands to Buck's shoulders to offer a massage before remembering the splatter of bruises, so he starts combing through the tousled locks of hair. A sob finally breaks free of whatever dam they've been held in and Buck leans his temple against the inside of Eddie's leg without the brace.</p>
<p>"You're safe," he murmurs, trailing his hands through Buck's hair, around the shell of his ear, across his hairline, circling his temple. They're aimless touches and he's afraid of touching something that might hurt, but Buck presses into him like he's desperate for the contact so he keeps going, randomly dragging fingertips through Buck's hair and whatever skin he can find. It takes an enormously long time but gradually Eddie notes that the shaking lessens, although there are still hitched breaths escaping Buck's lungs from time to time.</p>
<p>"W-Where's C-Chris?" Buck sniffles, fingers curling at Eddie's ankle. The fact that he's talking, or has enough awareness to wonder about Chris, seems like a positive sign considering how hollow he'd seemed when Bobby had dropped him off.</p>
<p>"He left with Abuela just before you got here." Eddie ruffles his hands through some more hair on Buck's head. "The house is ours until I collect him from school tomorrow."</p>
<p>Buck releases a breath that almost sounds steady, fingers squeezing at Eddie's ankle. "O-Ours?"</p>
<p>He bites his lip at the faint trace of hopefulness in Buck's tone, thumb smoothing over the curve of his ear. "I can call Maddie or Bobby or someone else here if that's what you want. Or it can just be us."</p>
<p>Buck hiccups, looping his arm around Eddie's leg and pressing his nose against the inside of his knee. "J-Jus' want y-you, Eds."</p>
<p>"Okay." He wishes Buck wasn't so bruised because he just wants to offer so much more reassurance than he feels he's able to give. "You have me, querido."</p>
<p>Buck manages a jerky nod against him and Eddie drags his thumb down the back of Buck's neck, around the knob of his spine. He feels the way Buck shivers against him and does it again, and again, and again, until some of the tension seizing Buck's shoulders seems to melt away. He files it away for future reference because he manages to make Buck almost boneless against him the longer he keeps offering gentle touches. It's a relief to feel like he's breaking the curse that had wrecked Buck's awareness of his surroundings.</p>
<p>"I- I w-want a…a shower," Buck announces and Eddie wonders at the blood across his hoodie, whether there's other blood spattered across his skin beneath the fabric. He won't ask, not unless Buck feels like telling him, but it didn't seem to be Buck's blood.</p>
<p>"Okay. You want a hand up?"</p>
<p>Buck shifts a little, head tilting until his drained blue eyes look at Eddie. "W-Will you s-stay with m-me?"</p>
<p>"In the <em>shower</em>?" He blinks at how his pitch rises an octave or two. Buck nods at him, bottom lip caught between his teeth to show his uncertainty, and Eddie doesn't know how to say no to him. Not when he still seems so frightened. "I- If you're sure that- that's what you want."</p>
<p>"I'm… I don't… I don't wanna be a-alone, Eds…" Buck admits, his voice small, and Eddie touches light fingertips to his cheek.</p>
<p>"Just remember to tell me if it's too much, alright?"</p>
<p>Buck nods, standing first and retaining Chris' blanket around his shoulders like a cape. Eddie trails after him to the bathroom, feeling as though the space is barely big enough for two fully-grown men. Buck leans against the counter, letting Eddie peel the blanket from his shoulders. He stands back so Buck can pull the hoodie over his head, mindful of the way he cringes when he shifts patches of mottled skin, and it's almost a relief when Eddie can't see any spots on the blue t-shirt or his skin. When the t-shirt is removed, Eddie hates how the bruises are just as dark and hideous as yesterday and there's no fabric to hide any part of him anymore. Eddie lowers his eyes from Buck's to touch lightly before he can stop himself, to check if there's anything new he needs to be worried about.</p>
<p>"<em>Eddie</em>," Buck hisses, twitching when he presses maybe too firmly against the left side of his stomach where the outline of a tattoo is barely visible among the patchwork of colour.</p>
<p>"Sorry." He tries to make his fingertips like a feather, settling them beneath Buck's chin to tilt his head and examine his throat. "I never want to see you this bruised ever again."</p>
<p>"Makes two of u-us," Buck mumbles.</p>
<p>It's strange having Buck unbutton his flannel shirt, quivering hands pushing it off his shoulders and discarding it to the floor. There's an obvious hesitation in Buck's touch, nerves in his eyes, and it's clear this isn't about sex when he leaves his underwear on after pooling sweatpants by his feet and eyeing Eddie's jeans with trepidation.</p>
<p>"I can just sit here." He gestures towards the toilet seat but Buck shakes his head, pushing his sweatpants out of the way and shuffles toward the shower.</p>
<p>"Please join me?"</p>
<p>Eddie dispenses with the denim, and almost certainly some of his sanity, as he follows Buck under the spray. He folds the taller man into his arms, feeling the warm water trail over their skin. He can feel it quickly saturate his underwear which will leave little to the imagination, and he desperately tries not to focus on it even as he feels Buck's fingers drag along the curve of his spine.</p>
<p>"You okay with this?"</p>
<p>Buck nods, nosing at his jaw, lips light against his neck. He almost feels like he's participating in some slow, swaying dance beneath the water. He's terribly distracted by the way water sluices across Buck's muscles which might be why he gasps when Buck presses him against the tiles. Buck's kiss is slow but needy, cradling his head and licking into his mouth in ways that make Eddie's head spin. He responds because it's impossible not to, because there's something that aches to keep Buck against him. When Buck's hips roll against his, there's an embarrassing whine that escapes his lips because it's clear they're both half-hard with just a handful of lazy kisses and he can't, he <em>won't</em>, put Buck in that position right now.</p>
<p>He presses his hands against Buck's chest, firm enough to push him away just a little, gentle enough to not cause him too much pain. Buck's lips are red and swollen, so tempting to continue kissing, but his eyes are unfocused and dark and Eddie doesn't like it.</p>
<p>"Not like this." Eddie captures one of his hands and squeezes lightly. He's not an idiot. He's attracted to Buck, and he feels better when he's around. He wants to keep Buck close and safe, and his son seems to think Buck's the other half of the world. But Eddie's not going to have this turn into some messy post-trauma hook-up in the shower. He's not going to end up in a situation where one or both of them regrets this later. Buck's wellbeing is too important for.</p>
<p>Buck shuffles back, expression falling into something lost and perplexed. "Y-You don't…want me?"</p>
<p>"I want you to feel safe and I want you to be healed." Eddie's gaze skips over the bruises because even if there weren't enough reasons, then he wanted to be able to touch Buck without the fear of inflicting pain. "I like you, Ev, and I like kissing you. But I'm not going to jeopardise that, <em>and</em> whatever we're starting here, after the morning you've already had, alright?"</p>
<p>Buck hesitates, still looking afraid of the rejection, and Eddie's no longer sure if it's because of the way he's already responsible for breaking Buck's heart or the mess of a relationship with Cameron. Eddie snags slick fingers into the elastic of Buck's underwear, tugging him closer again and grazing his lips in the softest of kisses.</p>
<p>"We will," he promises, even though the thought fills him with nerves because it's been a hell of a long time since he was last with Shannon, and even longer since he was with a man, "but not today."</p>
<p>Buck seems at least mollified by that and Eddie kisses his cheek, runs fingers through the damp locks of hair plastered across his head.</p>
<p>"Today will include cuddling you while watching TV or movies, alright? Taking it easy. If you feel okay with kissing, then we can do that too but I'm drawing the line at anything more."</p>
<p>Buck concedes with a nod and a brief kiss to his lips. "Okay, I guess."</p>
<p>It's the best Eddie could've hoped for given the circumstances.</p>
<hr/>
<p>They're huddled on the floor, trading containers of takeaway Chinese food with a random TV show offering noise to fill the silence between them, when Buck tenses and a shaky breath escapes him.</p>
<p>"Um… Hi?" Buck's brow wrinkles in apparent confusion as he looks at the plate of food on the floor beside him and the container in his hand and the TV and the blanket across his lap.</p>
<p>He sets the container on the coffee table, gaze sweeping over Buck's expression and realising there's an edge of attention that the blue eyes have lacked all day. "Hey."</p>
<p>"I-" Buck puts the container down and it's clear his hand is shaking, his eyes brimming with tears. "I don't remember how I got here."</p>
<p>Eddie extends his hand towards Buck and trembling pale fingers fold into the gaps of his. "Bobby picked you up."</p>
<p>"He did?" Buck's brow furrows deeper, gripping Eddie's hand like he's afraid he'll disappear into dust. "I- Is Chris with your Abuela?"</p>
<p>Eddie nods, shifting Buck's plate to the coffee table and scooting slowly closer. He starts to realise just how broken Buck must've been all day to have no awareness of his surroundings and he's incredibly glad he resisted Buck's attempts to go further in the shower. "Yeah, sweetheart. We're picking him up after school tomorrow."</p>
<p>"O-Okay…" Buck curls under Eddie's arm and reaches for his plate. "We can just...stay here, right?"</p>
<p>Eddie presses a kiss to Buck's hair and steals a piece of chicken from the plate set in Buck's lap. "We'll do whatever you need," he assures and Buck cuddles into him with a grateful sigh.</p>
<hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <strong>~TBC~</strong>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You didn’t really expect Cameron to never be heard of again, did you..... 🤔😬</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,965<br/>
<strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/><p>Eddie succeeds in getting Buck out of the house the following day to go to the nearest mall, obtaining a couple of pairs of jeans and various shirts and a fresh couple of hoodies. Buck keeps fussing with the scarf around his neck, gnawing at his bottom lip and struggling to construct responses to most of the questions Eddie asks him while they wander from shop to shop. It had seemed like an easy way to pass the hours until Chris gets out of school but Buck's eyes keep darting around and it's clear he's on edge and uncomfortable with all the people. Eddie tries to keep his body a little in front of Buck to offer some sort of shield but he's not sure it really helps with the anxiety.</p><p>"I need to get my car at some point," Buck says thoughtfully as he lifts the bags into the back of Eddie's truck.</p><p>"Something wrong with being chauffeured around?" he teases and he's at least a little glad for the way Buck rolls his eyes.</p><p>"This coming from the guy that probably should've used his walking stick today?" Buck points out with a knowing tilt of his head towards Eddie's leg. Eddie's not going to pretend like he hasn't felt an ache deep in his leg that he'd been steadfastly ignoring for more than an hour.</p><p>"You needed clothes that weren't mine," he deflects, because that was the truth and he had the brace on. That should be enough. "You can't pretend you aren't happy to have things that fit you properly."</p><p>Buck glances at the jeans that stop short of his ankles and the hoodie pulled too tight across his shoulders and shrugs. "It's not the first time I've worn your clothes, Eds."</p><p>Eddie nearly misses the step to get into his truck and faceplants against the side. "Wait, what?"</p><p>Buck looks entirely too nonchalant as he slips into the passenger side next to Eddie, yet he still fiddles with the sleeve of the hoodie like there's anxiety thrumming through his veins. "Sometimes you'd lend me a sweater if it turned cold and I hadn't brought one with me. There was a time we were eating at your place and I spilled sauce all over me. Chris thought it was hilarious and you went to find a fresh shirt so that I could rinse mine before it stained."</p><p>Eddie can't remember if he has flickers of concrete memories at Buck's words or they simply plant images in his head that he can imagine to be true. He supposes that's why no one is meant to tell him too many facts. He'd noticed his spontaneous recollections seem to have slowed lately and he's afraid to call Gus to tell him. He's afraid he'll have to start adjusting to all the gaps and the blanks.</p><p>"There's still so much, isn't there?" Buck asks quietly and Eddie tilts his head towards Buck in confusion. "Your memory."</p><p>"Oh." He drags his bottom lip between his teeth and returns his gaze to the parking lot, wondering if there would ever be something that truly unlocked everything and he no longer felt like an intruder in his own life. Gus told him once that he needed to grieve for the memories he's lost so he can start to heal but he's not sure how to grieve for what he doesn't know. "Yeah, there…there is a lot."</p><p>Buck's hand brushes over his knee, squeezing lightly and drawing him away from the spiral before it can really begin. "I don't remember everything that's happened to me, Eds. Honestly? I wouldn't want to."</p><p>"This is different," Eddie protests, because Buck's words reminded him of Karen and all the things he might struggle with processing for months, years, <em>the rest of his life</em>. There's a flare of frustration beneath his skin because he's really not sure anyone understands what it's like to wake up and think you're in a time that was five years ago. And to objectively <em>know</em> that is very different from feeling or <em>understanding</em> it.</p><p>"Is it though?" Buck challenges before his nose wrinkles at something Eddie doesn't ask about, isn't even sure <em>how </em>to ask about.</p><p>"Yes." It might be incredibly clear that they've both gone through a lot of traumatic things that Buck wants to forget, and maybe there are a lot of things Eddie should be grateful he can't recall, but he's not grateful. He can't be grateful about this. "You're suggesting you want to forget very specific things. Maybe a specific event, a memory, a person." He wonders, if Buck had the chance to forget, if he'd choose to erase Eddie out of his life. He stares at the parking lot and knows he can't ask that either. "Forgetting <em>everything</em> from multiple years is…"</p><p>He shakes his head and starts the car, obtaining an out from the uncomfortable conversation before he snaps and loses his temper. It's not until he feels Buck go to move his hand off his leg that he remembers it's there and he panics, afraid of scaring Buck away. He covers the back of Buck's hand with his and wonders how much they'll need to say to Chris compared to how much Chris will automatically assume. His kid was already astute enough to question the kiss Buck had left on his cheek.</p><p>He hesitates and then lightly squeezes Buck's hand. "Have- Have I ever said how lucky I feel that you're in my life?"</p><p>From the edge of his vision, he can see Buck's expression turn stupefied. "No, you… I don't think you've ever said that."</p><p>"Chris said he was grateful for you at Thanksgiving," he says and he can hear the way Buck's breath catches over the rumble of his car. "He said it was because you saved my life."</p><p>"Eds-"</p><p>"I mean it for more than that." He bites his lip to pause and organise his thoughts after getting so irritated thinking about the loss of his memory. "You've done...so much for me. Not just since I was hurt, but before that. Helping me after Shannon, with Chris, and all the million times in between that I don't remember. And I- I just need you to know how much I appreciate you."</p><p>Buck's very still beside him but he separates his fingers and Eddie folds his into the gaps. He knows repairing Buck's trust will take time, and that healing the fractures in his confidence will take even longer. It'll be a team effort, but lucky for Buck, Eddie knows a team he can call on to help.</p><p>He inches out of the parking space and partway through the drive to Chris' school, Eddie has to let go of Buck's hand. Whatever he said seems to have helped though because Buck leaves his hand against Eddie's lower thigh and it's as welcome as it is distracting. It helps keep him settled, spreads warmth through his heart. Maybe this is what Sophia and Marcus had been talking about. Maybe he and Buck had been like this before. Even though he's tried to be careful with Buck all day, he's grateful Buck continues to listen to him and give him second chances.</p><p>When he parks the car outside Chris' school, he looks towards the entrance and then towards Buck. "You want to come in or wait here?"</p><p>Buck's gnawing at his bottom lip, eyes darting between the entrance and his lap. Eddie wishes he'd share the obvious thoughts and feelings running through his brain rather than holding them all inside his chest. At some point, he's sure it has to catch up and he'll explode and Eddie's not if he's equipped enough to pick up the pieces.</p><p>"He still loves you, you know." He gauges Buck's expression, notes the widening eyes and the way his teeth still against his lip. "He's worried about you, but he also adores you. I could see it when he hugged you after you spoke with Athena."</p><p>Buck's fingers twitch against Eddie's thigh in a sign of nerves or discomfort. "I- I've always been afraid I'll break him."</p><p>"Is that why things changed earlier this year between you two?"</p><p>Buck's exhale is shaky and Eddie covers his hand again, hoping to provide some sort of comfort or support considering how often Buck's been there for him. "It's- It was my fault, but Cameron- He didn't like that I kept seeing him."</p><p>There's more, Eddie knows there is and he wants to ask about it, but he thinks that it's a conversation for another time, when he's not outside his kid's school and Buck isn't still reeling from Cameron's latest menacing involvement in his life.</p><p>"You won't break Chris," he promises. If Eddie's amnesia hasn't ruined him, nothing would. "My kid is a survivor and a lot of that is because you got him through the worst disaster of his life."</p><p>"You-" Eddie can see the unshed tears pooling in Buck's eyes. "Your kid is a survivor because he-he's got more light than anyone else I've ever known."</p><p>"You have plenty of light too, Buck." Eddie lifts Buck's hand and gently kisses the knuckles, thumb smoothing over the callouses and some of the minor scars. "You're a survivor too."</p><p>An unsteady breath spills past Buck's lips and he smiles forlornly at Eddie, tears gathered in the corner of his eyes. "I don't think I've survived any of this yet."</p><p>"You're out of there." Eddie raises his hand to tentatively touch Buck's cheek, catching a couple of tears with his thumb. "Give it time and let us be there for you. <em>All</em> of us. Bobby, Athena, Maddie, Karen, Hen, Chim. You've got a network of people who love you and want the best for you, Ev."</p><p>Buck sniffs, his gaze shimmering when he meets Eddie's steady stare. "I ruined <em>everything</em> this year though. I ran away from everyone because I- I couldn't deal with my heart being broken and I let Cameron control who I could talk to and- and maybe they <em>won't</em> all want to be there and-"</p><p>"I promise you, they'll all be there in a heartbeat," Eddie insists, pieces of unspoken questions being answered by Buck's panicked ramblings. The impact of Cameron was more insidious than mere bruises and more than anything, he needs Buck to draw upon a support system beyond just him and Chris and maybe Maddie. He cups Buck's face, staying slow with his actions until the other man gradually leans into it like he's relaxing just enough to show his trust that Eddie won't hurt him. "They've all been so great being there for me since I woke up, and I don't even really remember them very clearly. You? <em>You</em> know them. You know exactly how deep the bonds are. If they'll help me when I call, then they'll absolutely give you all the time and love and support that you want if you call them." He smiles faintly. "Actually, they'll probably give you some more because it's what you actually <em>need</em>."</p><p>Buck swallows, his shifting eyes betraying his uncertainty, but he kisses Eddie's palm and it seems like an acceptance of sorts. For now, maybe it's all Eddie can ask of Buck when everything is so raw.</p><p>"Should we get Chris?" Eddie murmurs, his voice scratchy, and he clears it several times to dispel the emotions that Buck's gesture evoked.</p><p>"Sure," Buck whispers and though they separate to get out of the truck, Buck returns to Eddie's side as soon as they start walking along the path towards the school's entrance like he's a magnet. "I haven't picked Chris up in… Well, all year. I don't even know his teachers this year."</p><p>"He'll be with Miss Leona now," Eddie says, sliding his hand into Buck's when he notes the anxiety in his expression. He feels Buck's arm tense slightly against him before he returns the hold and seems to sigh a small breath that Eddie assumes is relief. Eddie hadn't even thought about if Buck would hate it, or who might see them, or if they'd get judged for it. To hell with that, though. They've both been hurt enough this year and he's not ashamed of Buck. "She's almost made Chris like Math."</p><p>Buck wrinkles his nose with such distaste that Eddie can't stop the laugh that escapes him, drawing the eyes of several parents and students as they approach the stairs that will take them to the second level.</p><p>"Not a fan of Math, I take it?"</p><p>"I mean, I <em>can</em> do it even though, historically, you've disagreed with me." Buck shrugs. Eddie's sure he can feel any remaining discomfort in Buck's grip start to relax. "I'd just prefer…not to, you know. Whenever and wherever possible."</p><p>He grins and tugs Buck closer to his side, trying to imagine a younger Buck at school. "So what <em>do</em> you prefer?"</p><p>"Science was fun." Buck's gaze drifts to some of the artwork that lines the walls as they approach Chris' classroom. "Chemistry or Biology. Understanding how or why things work in nature and our relationship with it. Some of the space stuff in Physics is cool too, as long as there's not too much Math. You probably don't remember the save we had last year but we got called to a house where a girl was struck by a meteorite? She was only the second person ever hit and-"</p><p>Eddie bites his lip to hide the fond smile as he listens to Buck explain everything about a woman in Alabama who had been hit by a meteorite in the 1950s. Buck's almost <em>skipping</em> as he recounts all the information and though Eddie doesn't remember helping a girl struck by a meteorite, which is a pretty cool story to have been involved in, he narrows his focus on what he'd guessed at Thanksgiving with Abuela. He isn't <em>just</em> a first responder: he must've been some sort of paramedic, working alongside Buck and Bobby. It wasn't unheard of to go into those sorts of careers after leaving the military, after all. There was a peculiar adrenaline rush when being deployed that was impossible to find in a day job. Being a paramedic would also explain how he's integrated into Athena's life when she's a police officer. He doesn't express all his musings to Buck while he shares but it does provide some further clues to his past.</p><p>They approach Chris' Math classroom and Buck's hand slips away from Eddie's as they enter, though Eddie's not really sure why. He spots his son sprawled on his stomach against the mat on the floor, giggling with a few other kids his age while the teacher drifts around the room packing up pencils and markers that have been left on the tables.</p><p>"Dad!"</p><p>He grins at Chris and lifts him to his feet, running fingers through the curls while he gives small waves to the other kids. Tommy, Bec and something that starts with a P that escapes him.</p><p>"Hey, buddy." Chris' arms wind around his waist to hold onto him and Eddie immediately glances around the room. He spots the crutches leaning against a cubby-hole with his bag and Buck must catch his look because footsteps move away from him. "I missed you, mijo."</p><p>"I missed you too." Chris peers up at him with his big, beautiful eyes and Eddie rubs his thumb over the swell of Chris' dimpled cheek. He's not sure if being so affectionate and tender with his kid was something he used to do before what happened, but sometimes it still blows his mind how big Chris has gotten. And he feels like he has a lot of comforting to make up for so that Chris grows into an incredible young man rather than a squalling teenager. "Is everything better with Buck now?"</p><p>Eddie's eyes sweep over the kids on the floor, who have already resumed their own conversations, and towards where Miss Leona is chatting with Buck. The backpack is slung over one broad shoulder, poles of Chris' crutches held in his hands. "How about we talk more about this when we get home, champ?"</p><p>Chris looks dissatisfied by that plan but when Eddie shifts him, his entire demeanour changes when he sees Buck. "Buck!" he squeals. Eddie tries not to feel like his kid loves Buck more than him. He knows it's not true, but Buck's ability to light Chris up like an ecstatic firework always surprises him. Chris holds onto Eddie's hand to slowly walk towards Buck, and the taller man turns from the conversation when Chris repeats his name to kneel. When Chris is close enough to fold his arms around Buck's shoulders, Buck grimaces slightly but lifts Chris onto his hip as he stands again.</p><p>"Hi, Buck," Chris says shyly, head resting on Buck's shoulders and twisting his fingers into the tendrils of the scarf at his neck.</p><p>"Hey, buddy." Buck brushes a kiss to Chris' forehead and the dopey smile on Chris' face as he snuggles into the embrace conveys how comfortable and trusting he feels to be there. Buck is important to Chris, no matter what distance has separated them all this year.</p><p>Miss Leona has a small smile on her face as she looks between them all. "It's lovely to finally have a face for the name that Chris has mentioned so often in class."</p><p>Buck's eyebrows rise, cheeks tinting pink, even as Eddie presses his lips together to hide the smile. "You talk about me in class?" he asks. Eddie doesn't think Chris picks up on how dumbfounded Buck sounds but Eddie certainly hears it. He wonders when Buck will realise just how much Chris cares for and unconditionally loves Buck.</p><p>"You saved my life," Chris says, peering up at Buck with wide eyes behind his glasses. "I'm never gonna forget that."</p><p>Buck continues to look astonished but he nuzzles another kiss to Chris' cheek, hugs him a little tighter even though Eddie suspects it had to pull at some of the bruises. "You saved mine too, bud."</p><p>Chris presses a palm against Buck's face, drawing blue eyes towards him and seemingly without a care in the world that his Math teacher or father are watching. "Yeah?"</p><p>"Yeah, champ." Buck adjusts Chris on his hip, kisses his forehead with a look towards Eddie that he nods at, and then weaves between desks and chairs while explaining why Chris is so important to him. He trusts Buck will know how to use the filtered version but it makes sense they had a strong bond that couldn't be so easily broken.</p><p>Eddie turns his attention to gathering the crutches Buck had placed on a table when Chris had approached with undisguised amusement sparkling in her green eyes. "Yes?" he prompts, reminded of the discomfort that occurs when people look at him with a knowing expression about something he doesn't understand or remember.</p><p>"It's just good to see you and Christopher with some light in your eyes, Eddie," she says simply. The use of his first name catches him off-guard but she returns to gathering papers and pens like she hadn't just made his head spin. "I know it hasn't always been easy for either of you since moving to LA but he seemed happy with Buck, didn't he?"</p><p>Eddie glances towards the door where he can see Buck lingering just outside, swaying on the spot while listening intently to whatever Chris is saying. "Yeah, he's pretty special."</p><p>There's another one of those mysteriously amused smiles again when he looks at her again but he has a feeling he recognises that one. His mother wore the same look when he fumbled through the early stages of his relationship with Shannon. And that's… He didn't think he had that sort of connection to Buck.</p><p>"Don't let the special ones go," she says and though she looks to be a similar sort of age to Eddie, there's a wisdom in her words that sounds like something Abuela would say. With Abuela, he'd detail all the reasons why she was wrong. With Abuela, he'd return six months later to begrudgingly concede she'd been right all along.</p><p>"Thank you," he says and she flashes a smile at him. "Uh… Have a good afternoon and evening."</p><p>She echoes the sentiment as he heads for the door. Buck shoots him a nervous smile and though Eddie's not sure why Buck looks so uncomfortable, he brushes a light hand against the small of Buck's back which seems to offer some reassurance because the tension in Buck's shoulders lessens.</p><p>"Dad?" Chris begins as they descend the stairs, Buck taking his time when he couldn't see each step, Eddie still with a noticeable limp because his knee still only bent so far. "Is Buck gonna come home with us?"</p><p>Eddie looks at Buck because he has no idea. He doesn't know where the barriers between them start and end and there are a myriad of topics they were yet to discuss. Where Buck continues to sleep each night is an important one that Eddie hasn't known how to raise.</p><p>"I- I was actually hoping I could <em>stay</em> with you two for a little while," Buck says hesitantly once they've reached the bottom of the stairs. He rubs his hand over Chris' back but his eyes are fixed on Eddie, a clear wariness in his gaze. "But that has to be okay with you and your Dad…"</p><p>Chris wiggles with obvious excitement, naive to the unspoken conversation taking place above his head. "<em>Stay</em> with us? Like, sleepovers for <em>ages</em>?"</p><p>"I… I guess? I mean- Just- Just for a little while," Buck says in response to Chris' wide, excited eyes. Eddie wonders just how temporary it will truly turn out to be. He doesn't mind Buck staying. He doesn't mind waking up to find he's still cuddling Buck. It's not like it's a hardship to have the other man stay a while until he's back on his feet.</p><p>"You can stay as long as you need, Buck," Eddie murmurs, wrapping a loose arm around Buck's back. Buck bumps against his shoulder but there's a flash of gratitude mixed in with the nerves in his eyes. "Right, mijo?"</p><p>"Yeah!" Chris cheers and snuggles his head against Buck's shoulder again with a contented tilt to his lips. Eddie almost pulls out his phone to snap a picture. "Buck can stay forever!"</p><p>Buck's wide eyes meet his and Eddie chokes on a surprised laugh. He might not have been making some sort of offer for Buck to essentially <em>move in </em>but he doesn't have any intention to kick Buck out either. Not when his life has been turned upside down enough lately.</p><p>"As long as you need," he repeats, a light brush of his hand against Buck's back bringing a faint smile to Buck's lips that Eddie <em>definitely</em> wishes he could capture in a photo.</p>
<hr/><p>He pokes his head in to check on Chris and Buck while he cooks dinner and he's not blind to the way Chris sits in Buck's lap, small hands brushing occasionally over the bruises on Buck's neck, as the two of them talk in the living room. Although he would've preferred to shield Chris from the violence that stains Buck's neck, his son is smart and curious and Buck can hardly walk around the house wearing a scarf all the time.</p><p>"-know I never stopped loving you, right?" Buck's saying when Eddie peeks in on one occasion, his gaze fixed on Chris curled in his arms, fingers light against his cheek and curls. "I was sad and hurting, but I never stopped caring about you."</p><p>Chris' fingers fiddle with the cord of Buck's hoodie. "You seemed…angrier, Buck. It wasn't fun anymore and I thought I'd done something wrong. I asked Dad if I had to keep going and he said if it made me unhappy, I could stop seeing you."</p><p>Eddie's eyes widen, realising that there was a <em>crucial</em> part of the mess between his son and Buck that he didn't know. He remembers how devastated Buck had sounded when he'd suggested Buck see Chris and now he realises that it hadn't been something <em>he</em> was necessarily responsible for, but something <em>Chris</em> had requested. It feels like a conversation he's not meant to overhear but it fills in a few extra pieces, maybe lessens a fraction of the guilt that hangs heavily in his heart. He inches backwards into the hallway, straining to catch the quiet words exchanged when there's a wall blocking a lot of the sound.</p><p>"I probably <em>was</em> angrier, bud," Buck admits and even with the reduced volume, the guilt and shame in his tone is clear. "But I was angry at the wrong things. I wasn't angry at <em>you</em> and that- I didn't realise that was hurting you."</p><p>"I just wanted you to be happy," Chris says with his sweet innocence. Eddie closes his eyes, head falling slightly with the realisation that maybe 'happy' is something Chris wants more than anything and it's something Eddie's not sure he can ever properly provide him. He's been afraid of letting Chris down for months and hearing his kid actually <em>say</em> he wanted Buck to be happy… He had to hope for the same for his father, right? "Did Cameron make you happy?"</p><p>"He- At first, he did." Buck labours over his words, clearly knowing a kid-friendly version is required. Eddie's caught between wanting to retreat and wanting to hear more, wanting to understand what had drawn Buck towards someone who had ultimately hurt him so badly. Maybe understanding it would help Eddie, and Maddie, and Bobby, and everyone else put him back together again. "He was very sweet and he said he loved me when I was feeling very sad, so I- I let myself love him."</p><p>There's a silence that stretches between them for several long breaths. Eddie's almost tempted to peer past the corner of the wall again just to determine if Chris is thinking or Buck is struggling for the words.</p><p>"Why didn't you talk to someone when you weren't happy anymore?" Chris says eventually and it's his turn to sound sad. "My Dad loves you, Buck. And Uncle Bobby and Chim and Michael, and Auntie Maddie and Athena and Hen and Karen. I know May and Harry and Denny love you too."</p><p>Although Eddie almost thinks his heart stops when he hears Chris identify his feelings for Buck in such simple terms, he's thankful his kid has the intelligence to think of the question and doesn't have the filter to stop himself from asking it. He can blame the amnesia for a lot when it comes to fumbling his way through conversations but the knowledge that he broke Buck's heart makes him afraid to push too much at the tender parts, aware that damaged threads of trust between them would take time to heal.</p><p>"I- I thought your Dad hated me," Buck says, something breaking in his voice that almost forces Eddie from his hiding spot to pull Buck into his arms and assure him he could <em>never</em> have been hated. "Cam made it- He made me feel very alone. He made me feel like I couldn't talk to anyone. And that- I need you to promise me that you'll talk to someone if you ever feel that way, okay? You talk to your Dad, or you can talk to me, or Mads, or Bobby, or Athena. Okay?"</p><p>"Okay, Buck. I promise." Chris' voice is small and there's a bit of shifting fabric, a small squeak of a couch spring, and then, "D'you still feel alone and like you can't talk to anyone, Buck?"</p><p>Eddie's breath hitches because it's just so <em>easy</em> for Chris to boil down all of the noise to such a simple question. He pinches the bridge of his nose to extinguish the tears as best as he can, swallowing around the lump that swells in his throat.</p><p>"I've got you in my lap, little man. I'm not alone when you and your Dad are around to remind me it's okay and I'm safe here."</p><p>"That's good, kid," Chris says before he dissolves into peals of giggles. When Eddie peeks, he smiles at how Buck's tickling Chris and his son is batting at the hands as best as he can.</p><p>He uses that as his excuse to retreat, returning to the kitchen to continue dinner. He doesn't say anything to Buck about what he overheard, but his gaze drifts between Buck's tentative smile and Chris' laughter every time they exchange a joke he doesn't understand. He's not upset to be left out, though. It's just great to see Buck smile, and great to see his kid grinning. When Chris eases off the chair to fetch some of his homework, Eddie uses that as an opportunity to reach across the table for Buck's hand.</p><p>"I'm glad you're here, Buck," he says firmly, watching as Buck's eyebrows rise and his expression flickers with uncertainty. "I don't want you to <em>ever</em> feel like your days here are numbered, okay? You stay as long as you want or need. No conditions. No requirements."</p><p>Buck bites his bottom lip, the edge of his eyes pinking, but he eventually offers a small nod. "Thank you," he whispers, squeezing Eddie's hand.</p><p>Eddie squeezes back, making a promise that he's going to work his absolute hardest to undo as much of the damage wrought by Cameron as he can. It'll take the help of everyone who knows and loves Buck, all those people he hasn't spoken to much this year, but Eddie knows they'll rally around him. They're genuinely good people like that.</p>
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<p></p><div class="center">
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      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SO MUCH CHRIS AND BUCK THAT MY HEART MIGHT JUST BURST FROM IT ALL. Christopher is my sweet bean and I will destroy anyone who harms a curl on top of his precious little head. </p><p>There are also a few more subtle jigsaw pieces, and I love Buck bouncing off to ramble about the meterorite girl. Rambly Buck is always a favourite too, but him with Chris snuggled into his arms gives me all the feels &lt;3</p><p>If you’re after something a bit lighter and fluffier, my Buddie Discord had a Trick or Treat exchange. I wrote some alternate Season 2 fluffiness <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27298741">here</a>.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 3,589<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Eddie returns from dropping Chris at school the next morning, Bobby's sitting with Buck at the kitchen table. There's a tension in Buck's shoulders, something fixed about his eyes, that he immediately doesn't like. It puts him on edge and he immediately tries to find a way to break the tension.</p>
<p>"Can I get you two something? Coffee? Tea? Juice?"</p>
<p>"I'm great, thanks Eddie," Bobby says with a slight shake of his head. He's dressed in a tan sweater and he seems reasonably at ease compared to Buck.</p>
<p>Buck doesn't respond, doesn't seem to have even heard him. Eddie gradually inches closer, sitting on the chair next to Buck and keeping his distance. He doesn't want to touch him and spook him. He knows the importance of providing Buck his space to process and respond.</p>
<p>"What did I miss?" he says when the silence drags on. Bobby looks uncomfortable and Eddie's no longer sure how worried he should be by their odd behaviour. "Is it about-"</p>
<p>"Bobby wants me to transfer back," Buck mumbles, interrupting Eddie's silent tennis match of looking between the two of them to focus on Buck staring at an empty mug on the table. "He thinks it'll be safer to be among people who know about Cameron to protect me. It also puts me within Athena's district so help can arrive faster. The shift company would be slightly different to the 83rd so it would take him a while to realise I've moved and then figure out my roster."</p>
<p>Eddie stares at Buck and wonders why he seems so downcast by the idea. It seems like a fantastic option to put some further distance between him and Cameron, and to surround Buck with people Eddie knows adore him and would spend time gradually increasing his confidence. When Buck seems to lack any further details, he looks to Bobby for answers.</p>
<p>"It means letting one of our floaters go," Bobby explains. He folds his hands in front of him on the table. Eddie's brow furrows, still failing to understand what's being left unsaid. "She came to us after you were…injured. Buck's not happy because he feels like he's squeezing her out of a job."</p>
<p>Eddie blinks. If this person, whoever she was, was a 'floater' then…wasn't that kind of the point? Wasn't it normal that someone else came in and she had to move on? "Am I… Is this me losing my job because Buck might go back there permanently?"</p>
<p>"No." Bobby shakes his head, his tone leaving no room for doubt. Buck touches his wrist, a light squeeze settling a few of the nerves that flutter to life. He's still not exactly sure how all the bills are getting paid but he's been too afraid to ask. "We- We lost two that day, Eddie. Your position will be open until a determination is made that you're fit to return." Which…Eddie doesn't have a lot of hope for, but now doesn't seem the time to point that out.</p>
<p>Eddie swallows. "And the other?"</p>
<p>Buck's fingers twitch against his skin and Bobby's eyes flick away. "We haven't been able to settle on anyone permanent."</p>
<p>Pieces of knowledge that he's gathered for months start to coalesce into an image that sharpens into focus. What Cameron said at the Halloween party now makes more sense. "Because of my partner?"</p>
<p>Buck's head snaps towards him. "You <em>know</em> about that?"</p>
<p>"No. Not- Not exactly." He chews some skin off his lip, wishing that he <em>could</em> remember and at the same time, maybe he doesn't want to and it's for the best. Cameron had said it was a 'pity', such a dismissive glint in his eyes, and Chris had said he was thankful for Buck saving his life… "But… But he died, right? In the accident?"</p>
<p>He can see the confirmation flash through Bobby's eyes and then the slow shift in his vision, the haunted look he's seen in Buck and Chris sometimes. It stabs at something in his chest, turns his stomach inside out. His partner had <em>died</em> and Eddie didn't even remember him. But maybe worse, maybe something he'd been afraid to pay too much attention to all these months while he'd mulled over the blank spaces, was how close <em>he</em> must have come to dying. He'd seen the scans and the x-rays. He'd been badly battered. His partner had died and Chris had come dangerously close to being an orphan.</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>It's <em>that</em> thought which finally makes his stomach rebel. He whispers a curse and flees from the chair in search of the toilet. Bobby calls his name but he ignores it, his meagre breakfast heaving out of his stomach until he's folded to the floor with a mouth that tastes like acid. It breaks his heart that there is simply <em>so much</em> that he doesn't know and so much that he doesn't remember. Maybe Gus, Karen, Buck were right. Maybe it was better. It's a bitter thought to start to accept.</p>
<p>When Eddie finally emerges from the bathroom, mouth washed and skin clammy, Buck's sitting with his back to the opposite wall. His phone is in his hands but he's evidently been waiting.</p>
<p>"Bobby left." Buck peers up at him. "Told me to take the rest of December off to recover from the bruises and weigh up what I want to do and get therapy which…" Buck wrinkles his nose, pocketing his phone as he climbs to his feet. "Anyway, he's gone. Do you want to talk?"</p>
<p>"Not really," he mutters, his mind racing over blank holes in his memory even as Buck loosely links their fingers and leads him in the direction of the living room. "Was it my fault?"</p>
<p>"Was what-" Buck stops and stares at him in such confusion, before his expression clears with understanding. "Was it your fault he died?"</p>
<p>Eddie shrugs then nods, afraid to voice all the fears that are rippling through him. Buck sighs, resuming the journey to the couch and forcing him to sit. His hands shake and he tangles them into a ball in his lap. One of Buck's settles over them but it doesn't calm his frayed nerves like it usually would.</p>
<p>"Twenty-two people died in that collapse, including three firefighters." Buck's voice is gentle but the words sear shock and dismay and horror through Eddie. <em>Twenty-two deaths? </em>What the hell had happened? "There were almost forty injured pulled out, including at least a dozen firefighters."</p>
<p>And that… It occurs to him that that must have been what he was. Once he suspected being a first responder, he'd assumed a paramedic. But paramedics wouldn't get sent into something structurally unsound and need rescuing. <em>Firefighters</em> on the other hand… Part of his reason for enlisting had been because 9/11 was burned across his memory. It makes sense he had moved sideways into firefighting.</p>
<p>"Eddie…" Buck squeezes his hands. "You aren't responsible for all those deaths and injuries. You got sent in with poor intel and you should've been evacuated. You're just- You're lucky you weren't one of the fatalities. If you'd stayed with John, you <em>would</em> have been killed."</p>
<p>Something about the name rings a bell and there's a vague outline of a face with an accompanying feeling of frustration because John wasn't Buck. John, who was probably a replacement after Buck had transferred, and hadn't been someone Eddie had liked. He immediately feels guilty for the realisation because John had been his partner and John had <em>died</em>.</p>
<p>He shoots Buck a quizzical look as other pieces fall into place. "You found me."</p>
<p>Buck stares at him. "You were- You were unconscious. Your PASS device was going haywire. How do you-"</p>
<p>But it's obvious now. All the hints, all the little mentions. "Abuela called you my guardian angel when I was in the hospital and asked about the man with the mark over his eye." Buck's lips upturn with a shy smile and he ducks his head. It's endearing. "Chris said you saved my life. Someone else said you'd helped dig me out. Just… I might not remember but enough people talk, you start figuring out the story."</p>
<p>Buck's quiet for several minutes and Eddie grants him the time to think. If twenty-two people had died, if three firefighters had died and Eddie almost had, then that had to leave some sort of scar on Buck too. His thumb swipes over Eddie's hands and Eddie realises how badly Buck's hand is shaking. He shifts his fingers apart, captures Buck's hand in his. Buck manages a weak sort of smile.</p>
<p>"We rolled up later than you. It had hit just hit a five-alarm. I saw the 118 trucks on our approach. Bobby was near the Chief." Buck's voice sounds distant, his eyes glazing. Eddie wonders if Buck's ever spoken to anyone about this. "He told me you were inside and then it- It was like the whole world fell apart around us."</p>
<p>Eddie presses his shoulder against Buck's, rests his cheek against the joint to look up at him. He can tell this is taking a strain on Buck and at the same time, he thinks it's a story that needs to be told. If Eddie was unconscious, then it's not like false memories can be generated from that, right?</p>
<p>"It became an all-hands situation in an instant. There was-" Buck's breath hitches. "There was so much <em>screaming</em>. It was like the tsunami all over again. Everyone seemed to come from everywhere to start moving rubble. It didn't matter if they were firefighters or EMTs or paramedics or walking wounded vics or just other people in the park." Park? That word sticks inside Eddie's brain but he'll come back to it later. "It was- It was panicked pandemonium like I'd never seen before and I knew you were inside and I- I've gone through a lot, Eddie, but I've never been so scared. I never- It's never been <em>you</em> in danger like that."</p>
<p>Eddie swallows and Buck nudges a kiss to his forehead. It helps with the uncertainty that sweeps through him, a little. "You still cared, even when we weren't talking?"</p>
<p>Buck exhales slowly, unsteadily. "You've saved my life before, Eddie."</p>
<p>Eddie frowns and immediately has a whole lot of questions, but he's still thinking about the <em>park</em> and the fact he may have come very close to being fatality twenty-three and Chris would've had no one. Chris, his beautiful and sweet son. Did Chris know how bad it could've been? Had anyone told him? Is that why Chris didn't talk to him about his feelings as desperately as Eddie wished he would? Because he was still so scared?</p>
<p>Buck's free hand lifts to his cheek, fingers toying with hair that's starting to curl at the ends. "Knowing you were inside that mess… <em>Nothing</em> else mattered to me right then except getting you out. I know you would have done the same for me. I owed it to you, and to Chris, and to everyone else at the 118, to not give up until I found you."</p>
<p>It makes his heart lurch inside his chest. Even when there must have been a gulf between them, even when Buck must have been well and truly committed to Cameron at that point, Buck had dived into danger without a second thought because he knew Eddie was caught in the carnage. He squeezes Buck's hand and Buck meets his eyes, a nervous tilt to his lips.</p>
<p>"<em>Thank</em> you," he says, infusing every bit of love and trust and affection and hope and everything else he feels for Buck into those two words. It doesn't feel like enough, not when Eddie's pretty sure that Buck's heart is trying to heal again with a mismatched series of jagged pieces, and Eddie's not so sure how his own heart is doing these days but…Chris and Abuela had been right. Buck had saved his life like some sort of guardian angel.</p>
<p>Buck smiles, although his eyes are still etched in sadness. He drops a kiss to Eddie's lips and temple and rubs their noses together. "I know you would've done the same for me if the circumstances were reversed, Eddie. We always had each other's backs."</p>
<p>And that… There's no doubt in Eddie's mind that that is absolutely true.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Maddie shows up at the house a few days later unannounced or, once he catches Buck's disgruntled expression, maybe not so unannounced.</p>
<p>"Hey. Sorry to just drop in like this on you." She holds a Tupperware container aloft which will solve Eddie's 'what to have for dinner tomorrow?' dilemma.</p>
<p>"You're always welcome, Maddie. You know that."</p>
<p>She flashes him a smile. "Do you mind if I talk with him for a while?"</p>
<p>Buck's been kind of…distant since talking about what happened. Eddie wasn't sure how much of it was memories of the accident, or Cameron, or Bobby's suggestion to transfer, or something else entirely.</p>
<p>"Go for it." He squeezes her shoulder and guides Chris to his room so they can work on some of his homework together. It's tough giving the siblings space when he's nosy, and he wants to know what's going on, but he trusts Maddie knows what she's doing with her own brother.</p>
<p>"Can we see Buck and Maddie now?" Chris says once he's finished the last pieces of his Math assignment.</p>
<p>He's not sure if Maddie and Buck are finished but he agrees, and Chris wanders back to the family room where he promptly snuggles into Buck's arms. There's something subdued in Buck's expression but Maddie looks more hopeful when Eddie joins them by sitting on the armchair. Not even half an hour later, Chris has fallen asleep in Buck's lap, probably because Buck's been stroking his hair the whole time.</p>
<p>"I should go," Maddie murmurs with a pointed look towards Chris. "You'll think about what I said though, right?"</p>
<p>Buck nods, a distant sort of look in his eyes. "Drive safe, Mads."</p>
<p>She kisses his cheek and then moves to squeeze Eddie's outstretched hand and she's gone. Buck takes the opportunity to lift a mumbling Chris into his arms and carries him to the bed, hushing him with low, unintelligible words. Eddie quietens the TV further, not particularly interested in whatever is showing and doubting Buck had been paying much attention to it either. He watches the shapes and colours on the screen though while he waits, listening to the shuffle of Buck's footsteps in the hall and then meeting Buck's wary eyes when he reappears in the doorway.</p>
<p>"You want to watch this some more or get some sleep?"</p>
<p>Buck's fingers tug at the hem of his shirt, clearly unsure about an answer that's obvious to anyone from Earth to the moon. "I- I think sleep."</p>
<p>Eddie shuts the television off without questioning the decision and shifts off the couch. "Sleep it is," he announces, as though he can't tell there's a storm behind Buck's eyes. He follows his regular pre-bed routine and Buck's already in his pyjamas and sitting restlessly on the bed when he enters the room. Buck leaves to brush his teeth so Eddie settles himself on what he's deemed is 'his side' of the bed. It's strange how Buck has been with them a little over a week and already he thinks of there being 'sides' to his bed. He's not sure what he'll do if Buck decides to leave.</p>
<p>Buck returns and flicks off the overhead light, leaving just the bedside lamp glowing as he crawls onto the bed. For at least a couple of very long, very silent minutes, Buck lies on his back and stares at the ceiling. Eddie stares at the ceiling in equal silence because he's starting to think Buck appreciates the opportunity to sort through what he wants to say rather than being prompted into answering a game of Twenty Questions.</p>
<p>"Will you…do something for me?" Buck eventually says, his gaze still fixed on the ceiling. "Or… Or maybe something <em>with</em> me?"</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure whether he should frown or let his eyebrows rise but he can feel his forehead sort of twitching around trying to settle on an expression. The first place his thoughts go for both questions isn't exactly PG and even after all the time that Buck spent determining what to say, Eddie's not sure he'd realised the suggestiveness in the words.</p>
<p>"I might need some more information here, Buck."</p>
<p>Buck sighs, fingers flitting over the T-shirt covering his chest and picking at the fabric. Eddie tilts his head to look at his profile, eyes sweeping over the bruising curling at his neck which looks to have lost some of the angry blackness. It's still stark against his pale skin, still clear what must have happened to him, and even if Buck's still taking blood thinners, Eddie's not convinced that <em>this</em> level of bruising occurred with some mild, one-off event.</p>
<p>"Maddie… Maddie's been texting me for days. She wants me to see Frank." There's something akin to jealousy that flares behind Eddie's sternum. Buck must identify the expression on his face when he flops his head to the side, because he rolls his eyes. "Frank's one of the department therapists, man. You saw him last year."</p>
<p>The context of who Frank is reduces the swell of jealousy almost as quickly as it had appeared. He almost laughs at his stupidity, but then feels awful because Frank's name, like John's, is vaguely familiar without any true substance behind it. He wonders why he saw Frank last year – after Shannon died? The fighting thing Bobby had mentioned?</p>
<p>"So you…want me to go with you when you see Frank?" he guesses. It seems like he's right when Buck bites his lip and his eyes dart away. "Buck, I don't mind sitting in the waiting room while you-"</p>
<p>"I- You don't think you could get something out of it too?"</p>
<p>The caution in Buck's interruption makes Eddie realise he's being taken to therapy. He's not sure whether he wants to go, or how he feels about it. He hasn't texted Gus amid most of Buck's whirlwind return into his life, but maybe this is some sort of elaborate ruse cooked up by someone so that he talks. And…he's not sure what he needs to talk about. Buck's the one with all the bruises and the fear in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Is Frank some sort of couples expert? Because I'm not sure-"</p>
<p>"It- It's not that." Buck's wobbly voice cuts him off. Eddie shifts onto his side to look closer at Buck, noting the drawn downturn to his lips, the pallor of his cheeks, the discomfort in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Buck?"</p>
<p>"Therapy and I- We haven't always seen eye to eye." Buck turns his stare back to the ceiling and it's an obvious ploy to avoid looking at Eddie. It almost annoys him but he has to remember that Buck deserves the chance to work through his feelings. "I trust Frank but I'm- I don't want to go alone. Not… Not at first."</p>
<p>There's something in what he says that sets off alarm bells in Eddie's head. There's something deeper behind Buck's words that he doesn't understand, but he suspects he knew in the past. It frustrates him that he can't remember, and it saddens him that Buck doesn't fill in that particular piece of the puzzle.</p>
<p>"You trust <em>me</em> enough to go with you?"</p>
<p>Buck shrugs. "I trusted you enough to come here, didn't I?"</p>
<p>Eddie doesn't doubt that Buck trusts him, not after what he's been through, but Buck's very simple question leads to a whole bunch of questions that Eddie's been sitting on for a week and been too unsure how to verbalise. He hasn't wanted to push for information and inadvertently push Buck away, or make him shut down.</p>
<p>Eddie listens to Buck breathe, gauging if it's okay to broach the topics that nag at him. "I never did understand that, you know…"</p>
<p>Buck audibly hesitates. "This is- Cam knows where Athena and Maddie live but he doesn't know this address," Buck mumbles and that… Eddie hadn't considered how Cameron knew the addresses of other people who were important in Buck's life, who could have protected him with their love. Eddie hadn't considered that Buck wasn't just <em>staying</em> with them, but rather that his house also functioned like a refuge, a place so far off the map that Cameron couldn't track Buck down. But it also occurs to him how Cameron poses a serious risk and that Buck being here could place Chris in danger too. "I've… I might've been hurt by you in the past but…but like I said when I got here, I've never felt unsafe with you. I knew you'd keep me safe."</p>
<p>Eddie reaches out a nervous hand, touching Buck's shoulder which draws blue eyes back to him. "I'll always look after you."</p>
<p>"I know, Eds," Buck says with a tentative smile, reaching to grasp at Eddie's hand. "That's why I trusted you and came here."</p>
<p>Eddie scoots closer and Buck curls into his arms, fingers twisting into the fabric of Eddie's shirt. "Thank you for trusting me, Ev. And I... I'll see Frank with you."</p>
<p>Buck nuzzles a kiss to his lips and Eddie can feel the tiny smile against his mouth. "You trusted me first," Buck whispers.</p>
<p>Eddie doesn't understand the reference but he presses another kiss to Buck's lips, erasing further misgivings with the nip and lick of teeth and tongue.</p>
<hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
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      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>LOOK I'M SORRY TO HIT YOU ALL WITH FEELINGS OF THIS NATURE ON THIS HISTORIC DAY BUT. Y'KNOW. POSTING SCHEDULES AND ALL.</p>
<p>But on the upside, we finally get the glimpse into the disaster - which quite a few of you have correctly called with comments over the past few months. Kudos to you :)</p>
<p>NOW GO BACK TO DANCING AND CELEBRATING.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,851<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>Eddie's eyes wander around the room curiously. He has a faint recollection of staring at the flower painting on the opposite wall and tracing a crack in the cornice. The rug beneath his feet is vaguely familiar and it contrasts with the pot plants in the corners of the room. And yet… He doesn't obtain any echoes of why he was here last year. It always unnerves him how he can't remember certain places or people with any sort of concrete information, and he's tired of the sense of déjà vu that sweeps over him without any meaningful memory to accompany it.</p><p>From across the room, Frank stares at them. He's familiar too, but also not really. The uncomfortable twisting in Eddie's chest makes him suspect he'd probably talked about stuff he didn't want to talk about, but then he doubted that would be exclusive to Frank. Eddie wasn't one for wanting to talk much if he could get out of it.</p><p></p><div class="center">
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</div><p>Beside him, Buck fidgets and shifts in his seat like he has ants crawling all over him. Eddie's almost tempted to reach out and grasp his hand so he sits still.</p><p><em>Almost</em>.</p><p>He thinks that will probably distract Frank from the more important things though, the real reason Buck has elected to come here.</p><p>"So, should I say 'welcome back'?" Frank begins after a long, awkward pause of a three-way game of chicken.</p><p>Eddie looks at Buck, at the way his trembling hands are knotted into his lap, and then back to Frank. While they might've been there for Buck, he didn't seem prepared to break the ice.</p><p>"I- I suffered a TBI in September," Eddie says, drawing Frank's eyes towards him. "It's left me with retrograde amnesia going back to around 2015. My neuro thinks there are parts I'm not going to get back."</p><p>Eddie's aware of Buck's head snapping towards him but Eddie's more focused on maintaining eye contact, eyebrows arched. "You were actively serving then, weren't you?"</p><p>"I was." Flickers of memory from the battles were more present, more real, more close-at-hand than the majority of his other memories that had returned to him in the ensuing months. It was a constant struggle to remember those events had taken place years ago, that there were details that had happened in the interim.</p><p>"How have you been handling the collision between the past with the present?" Frank continues, drawing his attention back to the room with the pot plants.</p><p>Eddie's first thought is <em>badly</em>. Every time he gets a memory, he usually feels knocked over and breathless. He doesn't feel like he's coped and more often than not, he feels like he's still doing a terrible job at being a father.</p><p>But if he stops long enough to consider all that he's learned since he woke up, he knows he must have been in a terrible place last year. He hadn't been talking to Buck for a period of time and his wife had died. His son had almost been swept away in a tsunami. And none of that considered the fighting ring that Bobby had mentioned. It's still tough to fathom he would have risked Christopher's wellbeing if he'd gotten badly hurt, but maybe he only <em>has</em> that sort of perspective because he got badly hurt.</p><p>So in comparison to <em>that </em>version of himself from a year ago, he's...probably been managing okay. Sure, there have been days where he struggled to get out of bed or eat, and there were other days he'd cried until he thought he had nothing left but…those were still probably healthier options than punching people, right?</p><p>"One day and a series of fragmented memories at a time," he admits ruefully, eyes wandering back to meet Frank's gaze. "It's not been easy."</p><p>"No, I imagine it isn't," Frank agrees. His hands steeple beneath his chin. "How is Christopher? Has he been talking to you about how he feels?"</p><p>There's something in Frank's words that makes it clear he's poking at something, something Frank knows that Eddie doesn't remember. He's not asking for the hell of it and Eddie's has spent enough time listening to people's vague words and then obsessively dissecting them to know there's something left unsaid. And Eddie wonders, had Chris stopped talking to him before? Is that why Eddie had stopped fighting or started seeing Frank? Had he figured out how to encourage Chris to talk?</p><p>More concerning, though, is the realisation that it might not be unusual for Chris to stop talking to him. And he needs to fix that. He needs to know how Chris feels about what happened, and no matter how much what Chris says might hurt, he needs to reassure Chris that he loves him. Eavesdropping on Chris talking to Buck or Maddie isn't enough to determine how Chris is truly handling everything. Chris smiles and laughs and all signs indicate that he <em>seems</em> to be okay but Eddie's not so sure he wants to simply accept that. And with how crazy everything has been because of Buck, maybe he hasn't been paying enough attention to his son and-</p><p>Buck's hand lightly touches his arm, shaking him out of his musings. Eddie startles and realises there are damp streaks on his cheeks. His face flushes with embarrassment and he coughs slightly to clear his throat and wipes his palm across his cheeks roughly.</p><p>"We're not here for me," he mutters, brows dipping into a frown. It's difficult not to simply fold his arms over his chest, closing himself off from the pair of stares. He squeezes his hands together, focusing his eyes on the patterned rug beneath his feet. It's childish, perhaps, but it seems like an effective way to avoid both Frank and Buck watching him.</p><p>There's another long, awkward silence. Eddie refuses to look up. He's said enough. They weren't even here for him anyway. It shouldn't be so easy to reduce him to tears. Although Buck's hand against his arm at least helps keep a fresh wave at bay while he searches through the scattered memories he has to determine how he should approach his son in case he's not alright.</p><p>"I've been in a relationship most of this year." Buck's voice is quiet and unexpected, and Eddie can hear the slight rustle of Frank's clothes as his head pivots. "Cameron was.. We met when I- I was emotionally vulnerable. He was kind and supportive and listened and that- I needed that. At the time, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on or how I felt."</p><p>"Do you want to talk about what was going on now?" Frank inquires, his words gentle. Eddie's eyes flick to where Buck's fingers twitch against his arms.</p><p>"I feel stupid now for not realising what was happening," Buck says instead and Eddie files away the deflection. He wonders if Frank does the same. If Frank knew Buck, if Frank knew Eddie, he was probably versed in how easily they tried to avoid conversations. "Is it because it's so obvious in hindsight? Should I have realised earlier how he was isolating me from my friends and my family? How he wore down my self-esteem until I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone at the 118 or Maddie? How I couldn't trust them anymore?"</p><p>There's a lot of pain in Buck's words but Eddie also thinks he can pick up on some bitterness and anger and he's not sure why. Does Buck feel <em>guilty</em> about falling in love with Cameron? If nothing else, Buck's series of questions confirm what Eddie's been suspecting – his relationship with Cameron had been more than just a one-off fight that Buck escaped with some bruises.</p><p>"What is it that you think you should have realised, Buck?" Frank manages to maintain such a patient tone that Eddie thinks he deserves a medal.</p><p>"I watched the same thing happened to Maddie, when I was a kid, didn't I?" There's an edge of hysteria in Buck's voice. "I watched her and Doug, and I watched myself lose her to him, and then Cameron- How could I not <em>see</em> it?"</p><p>Eddie covers Buck's hand, looping their fingers together. He can feel the way Buck is trembling and he's tempted to scoot their chairs closer together, but he doesn't think Frank needs to peel away more layers than he already is. Putting Buck back together is going to be a long process, at least as long as Eddie figuring out how to navigate his life with a brain injury. He needs time; they both do.</p><p>Frank allows a silence to blanket them so that Buck can calm down. Eddie rubs his thumb over Buck's knuckles and Buck lightly squeezes his hand.</p><p>"You mentioned how Cameron was working to separate you from your friends and family. Did he succeed?"</p><p>"Yes." The hysteria has been wiped away and replaced by something small and timid. "I- He made it seem like it was so clear that they didn't really care, that I needed a- a fresh start with new team. So I- I transferred from the 118."</p><p>"That must have been quite a change."</p><p>Buck shrugs and Eddie peers towards him out of the corner of his eye. "I realise now that it was another way to isolate me. No one at the 83rd knew me, so they didn't know anything was wrong. But I- I didn't feel like I belonged at the 118 anymore so leaving… It made sense." Buck's voice starts to wobble and Eddie aches at how lost Buck must've been. He knows he broke Buck's heart but maybe he should've reached out anyway, tried to apologise for what went wrong. Maybe he could have stopped all of this from happening.</p><p>He doesn't want to think about what would have happened if Buck <em>hadn't</em> left and still been his partner when the accident happened, though. That leaves an uncomfortable chill coiling in his stomach.</p><p>"Anyway, he- He managed to get inside my head and under my skin and it's- I don't even know when I started being afraid to say the wrong thing and he got angry. I should've- I should've seen the signs. I've talked to Maddie enough."</p><p>"Many people are aware of abusive relationships when they're on the outside, Buck. It's not always so easy to recognise the signs when you're in one, and even if you did… You said you'd become isolated from your family. Where would you have gone?"</p><p>Eddie catches the way Buck's eyes fall towards his lap, his breath hitching. "I don't know but- but if I'd realised, maybe he wouldn't have laid a hand on me."</p><p>There's something so matter-of-fact about the way Buck says it, something unfocused about the way he sounds. There have been so many emotional rollercoasters in Buck's words that it's like he's started compartmentalising his feelings. Eddie's attention flicks towards Frank and he can tell the man is calculating the pros and cons of continuing to ask questions versus whether he would break Buck completely. Eddie's not so sure he wants to have agreed to accompany Buck to therapy just to take him home in a catatonic state. The emotionless husk of Buck has already been scary enough to deal with.</p><p>"Is that something you'd like to talk about today?" Frank eventually asks carefully and Buck's hand trembles within Eddie's.</p><p>"It's something I <em>never</em> want to talk about," Buck whispers. Eddie increases his grip, hoping to remind Buck to stay grounded. "I've already filed a police report. Athena has photos. When he showed up at the 83rd last week, she arrested him for trespassing and attempted assault. He's in custody and awaiting a court date and I- I should feel safe now, right?"</p><p>Eddie's gaze shifts between Buck and Frank. Has Buck been holding onto all of that every day and every night since last week? Has Buck even <em>slept</em> in the last week? Clearly Eddie needs to start asking Chris <em>and</em> Buck to talk more often.</p><p>"You know safety isn't something that happens overnight when you've gone through something like this. How long did it take Maddie before she started to feel safe?" Frank points out and Buck wrinkles his nose, shakes his head.</p><p>"I'm not Maddie."</p><p>"No, but you <em>were</em> hurt, Buck," Frank insists. Eddie might need to see Frank more often just to figure out how to mimic his tone when having these sorts of conversations. He's fairly certain if he'd said something like that to Buck, they would've ended up in an argument. "You were hurt by someone you trusted, someone you <em>loved</em>. It will take time to rebuild your sense of trust and feelings of safety after that sort of violation."</p><p>Buck still looks unconvinced so Frank switches topics.</p><p>"You said he eroded your self-esteem and confidence, right? So how certain are you that you're making the right decisions now?"</p><p>Buck swallows, eyes darting towards Eddie. "I know who I can trust."</p><p>Frank doesn't challenge Buck and for that, at least, Eddie's grateful. He's not sure he could handle Frank planting some sort of seed of doubt in Buck's mind that Eddie's place is safe, that he's willing to protect Buck, after everything that's happened.</p><p>"He knew I had feelings for someone else when we met so he often got jealous," Buck continues, biting his bottom lip. The way Frank's eyes drop to their joined hands is probably enough to lay bare who those feelings had been for, although he wonders if a departmental therapist has to declare something like this to a higher-up? Does it mean they couldn't work together? Which was…a huge leap considering Eddie's increasingly certain he won't ever work alongside Buck again as a firefighter.</p><p>"The night that he- That night that I left- He- He was so angry and kept telling me that I didn't belong to anyone else but him." Buck's volume wavers and Eddie realises there are parts to this that he hasn't heard before. "And I started realising how much his words sounded like what Maddie's said about Doug kidnapping her, you know? All those things that I'd ignored started to smack me in the face. When I tried to tell him to calm down, he just got angrier, started telling me that he hadn't been in a relationship with me if he meant nothing."</p><p>Eddie continues rubbing his thumb against Buck's hand, adding these pieces to what he already knew about that fight.</p><p>"I- I don't know what happened but it occurred to me I was so alone and I- I didn't want to be with someone who got angry at me because of feelings I'd had the entire time he knew me. So I- I started yelling back."</p><p>Eddie's eyes shoot towards Buck in surprise. He wants to offer more support than just his hand and maybe Buck senses it because he squeezes Eddie's hand. Eddie doesn't hesitate to squeeze back.</p><p>"You said he laid a hand on you?"</p><p>Buck huffs. "You're not blind, Frank. I know you can still see the bruises."</p><p>There's a faintly amused smile at the edge of Frank's lips. "I can, but that doesn't tell me how you got them."</p><p>Any amusement Buck had shown wilts and the grip of his hand tightens against Eddie's.</p><p>"You know we don't have to talk about it, Buck. You're in control of what happens here, remember?"</p><p>Eddie might have a terrible memory for details but he's still able to pick up on intonations. The subtext in Frank's words aligns with something in Buck's desire to attend therapy together, and the way Buck's hand starts trembling against him confirms it. When he looks towards Buck, there's something distant about his eyes again and his chest is visibly rising too fast.</p><p>Frank is silent for a long minute and Eddie almost wants to yell at him to do something, say something, that will stop Buck from unravelling. Isn't it his <em>job</em> to stop this? Isn't it his <em>job</em> to- "What's happening, Buck?"</p><p>"I- I can't-" Buck's spare hand covers his face and Eddie ignores whatever Frank might think to move his chair closer to Buck, looping their arms together, squeezing at his hand. "I c-can't-"</p><p>"And that's okay, Buck. We won't talk about it," Frank reassures while Eddie's thumb starts drawing infinity signs between Buck's knuckles. "Can you look around the room and tell me five things you see?"</p><p>Buck's eyes dart around the room, catching on different objects before moving on. "The- The light a-and…y-you and…carpet…picture… E-Eddie…"</p><p>"Excellent. And what about four things you can feel?"</p><p>Buck hiccups. "E-Eddie's hand… F-Floor. Chair… Clothes?"</p><p>"That's great, Buck. You're doing really well. How about three things you can hear?"</p><p>Eddie watches as Buck closes his eyes to listen, some of the trembling gradually lessening. "T-Traffic outside. There's a c-clock in here somewhere. M-My heartbeat in my ears?"</p><p>By the time Frank finishes walking Buck through some sort of exercise that Eddie attentively memorises in case he ever needs to use it, Buck's breathing has evened out and there's a small smudge of colour in his cheeks again. He hopes like hell he doesn't have to use it but Buck could easily wake from a nightmare, or freak out at something at home. Even if Chris woke from a nightmare, the exercise could help remind him of his surroundings.</p><p>Frank turns the conversation after that to lighter topics, like plans for the next week and the rapidly-approaching Christmas and New Year period. Buck looks uncomfortable, perhaps embarrassed, but he responds politely to the gentle questions and occasionally Eddie offers an answer too. It starts to feel less like a therapy session of prodding at painful memories and more like a comfortable conversation between friends, like Frank's reverted to building rapport with them again. He suggests that Buck returns at the same time, same place next week and Buck lowers his eyes but concedes a nod, which seems huge. Eddie thinks they must be just about done when Frank asks Buck if he can have a moment alone with Eddie.</p><p>Buck hesitates and Eddie's eyes narrow, looking between Buck and Frank. There's a trace of betrayal in his throat when Buck reluctantly leaves.</p><p>"Stop looking at me like I'm some sort of lion that's going to attack you, Eddie," Frank jokes with a gesture towards his wheelchair. It doesn't really resolve any of the tension Eddie can feel growing inside his chest though. He hates feeling under the microscope. "Alright, alright. I just wanted you to stay for a moment because I didn't get a chance to follow up with you about your TBI. You said you didn't come here for you?"</p><p>Eddie shrugs, looking towards the closed door by way of explanation. "Bobby and Maddie suggested Buck come here. He asked me to come with him."</p><p>"Which is admirable, considering how much you hated coming here last time." There's a teasing twinkle in Frank's eyes but Eddie's not naïve enough to think there isn't a lot of rapid processing of thoughts occurring behind that shrewd smile. "Even if you're here for Buck, I wanted to remind you that coming here <em>is</em> about you too. Buck has gone through something traumatic but so have you. Have you been seeing anyone about the amnesia?"</p><p>Eddie's eyes fall towards his lap. Right. So this wasn't just a 'quick chat' he could hope to escape.</p><p>"I got set up with an occupational therapist in the hospital. He's dropped by the house, and I know I can text or call him if I need to," Eddie explains, picking at a thread on his jeans. "There's a physio who stopped by a few times after the cast was removed to show me all the exercises I needed to do. I'm due back at the hospital in mid-January for another follow-up."</p><p>"It's good to hear you've had trained professionals to help you."</p><p>Eddie wrinkles his noses. "I still don't like talking to any of them."</p><p>Frank laughs. "Well, at least <em>that</em> hasn't changed," he teases. It's strange to hear someone speak with such awareness of how he behaves, carving straight through all the bullshit to point out the obvious. "Listen, I'm glad you have them and I'm sure you have a team rallying around you too, but if you ever need someone, my door is open too. I know you see yourself as coming here to support Buck, but we can set up our own appointments to work through what you do or don't remember and the emotions those evoke."</p><p>It's a similar sort of set-up to what he has with Gus, with one crucial difference: Gus didn't know who he was before, and probably had as much insight as Eddie does. Still, Eddie dreads the thought of opening up all the messy parts of his brain that don't fit together anymore and trying to make sense of them.</p><p>"You said something last year, that Christopher was the one good thing in your life," Frank continues, as if he's not rooting among Eddie's feelings and a past he doesn't remember. That Chris was the only positive in his life a year ago hurts. How could he have ignored Buck? Bobby? The rest of his team? Maddie? Karen? Athena? "At the time, you talked about how you thought you should feel in response to certain events occurring in your life, but instead you weren't feeling it. Has that changed?"</p><p>Eddie opens his mouth to deny it, to say he has the emotional repertoire that he's meant to have, but then he starts picking over more of Frank's words. Had he been so lost in his grief over Shannon that he'd simply shut down? Was that why he'd been fighting? It would make sense. There had been strains throughout the parts of their marriage he could remember, plugging one leaking hole before another erupted. And now… Now, he's been so lost in trying to separate the further memories from the nearer ones, but probably failing to fully deal with any of it because he's been worried about Buck. Especially recently. And after Buck turned his life upside down a couple of weeks ago, Eddie hasn't paid nearly enough attention to his son.</p><p>He looks towards the ceiling, drags his bottom lip between his teeth, swallows some of the nerves in his throat. "I love my son."</p><p>"I never said you didn't, Eddie."</p><p>"No, I know, but… My son is… He's this kid I only faintly remember." Eddie rubs a hand across his face when he can feel tears pooling in his eyes, pressing his lips together as he forces the emotions back into their box. "Everyone around me knows who I am. It's like they keep wanting to <em>tell</em> me who I am, but I barely know them. It's- It's been a lot."</p><p>Frank nods, shifting his arms in his lap, hands linked beneath his chin again. "We can start all over, if you like. I can put aside everything we've talked about before if that would help. Trying to process everything that's happening, and everything that is yet to happen, requires a long-term approach, Eddie. Recovery means more than just your physical injuries."</p><p>Eddie's skin itches and crawls at the thought of talking, trusting <em>anyone</em> beyond his limited bubble of reaching out to Buck or Bobby, maybe Maddie, possibly Gus. He knew he had Abuela but he was endlessly afraid she'd gossip to Pepa, and one or both of them would mention something to his mother. And so, within his little bubble, he's felt alone a lot of the time. It's helped knowing Sophia and Ana were a call away, but they lived in different states and sometimes he needed someone closer. Chim, Hen, Karen, Athena and Carla had all volunteered but it still felt strange to consider picking up the phone to call them. He'd call anyone if something went wrong with <em>Buck</em>, but himself? Not so much.</p><p>"I'll think about it." He knows he's more likely to take Frank up on the offer than reject it, but he still wants some time to rattle the thought around in his head. "It's- Right now, I just have to help Evan."</p><p>Frank doesn't exactly look convinced or satisfied but he allows Eddie to leave. In the waiting area, Buck's pacing restlessly and fidgeting with his hands.</p><p>"What did he want to talk about?" Buck says as soon as his eyes alight on Eddie. "Was he trying to tell you that I should-"</p><p>"It was about <em>me</em>." He presses an index finger against Buck's lips, silencing whatever Buck's spun himself into in the minutes that Eddie spent with Frank. "Asking about my amnesia, what sort of therapy I've been getting during recovery, how I've been handling the bits of memories that return."</p><p>"Oh." Buck swallows, eyes flashing, and Eddie brushes a quick thumb over Buck's cheekbone before lowering his hand. "I- I'm sorry I keep doing that. Thinking everyone is talking about me behind my back. It's- Cam just made me so paranoid-"</p><p>Eddie reaches for Buck's hand, silencing some of the apologetic babbling. "You have so much going on, Ev," he reassures, squeezing the hand as they move towards the elevator. "I don't expect you to do everything right now. That's why we have an entire network of people to support us."</p><p>Buck looks almost as unconvinced as Frank but he lets it go, much to Eddie's relief. He pivots to suggesting places for lunch and then plans for dinner. Eddie welcomes the distraction but, deep down, he knows Frank has a point: he could never add to Buck's plate right now when he's already pushed to his emotional limits. Gus had listened to many of Eddie's frustrations but Eddie was yet to learn any useful ways to manage how annoyed he feels sometimes, or how much he just wants to distance himself from everyone. He still has those brief flashes of wanting to flee the state, and more than once he's considered hitting himself in the head as if that will somehow dislodge the block in his head. As much as he doesn't want to talk to Frank, maybe the guy can provide something more practical.</p><hr/><p>Eddie insists, maybe a little too forcefully, on putting Chris to bed. Buck's been a bit distant most of the evening so he lets Eddie and Chris go without protest. Once Eddie's ensured Chris has thoroughly brushed his teeth and dressed in his pyjamas, he sits on the edge of the bed and wonders what he's meant to say. It doesn't feel like the right time, raising questions about his son's coping right before bed. Not when Chris cuddles under his arm, eyes wandering over Eddie's face despite his abandoned glasses on the bedside table.</p><p>"How are you, mijo?" he murmurs, twirling curls around his fingers as Chris smiles sleepily at him.</p><p>"Tired."</p><p>"No, I mean…" He sighs, tipping Chris' head with an index finger beneath his chin and looking at him more determinedly. "The last few months have been crazy, bud. I got hurt, now Buck's staying with us. That's a lot. I feel like we haven't really talked about school in weeks."</p><p>"I'm <em>okay</em>, Dad," Chris huffs, his hand settling around Eddie's wrist. "You're home and I know you love me and Buck's here and I know- I know he was hurt but he's happier here, right? And <em>you're</em> happier with him here so that makes <em>me</em> happier."</p><p>Eddie doesn't deserve his kid, that much is obvious. He lifts his arm so that he can kiss the back of Chris' hand, but he's more conscious of the way Chris talks after seeing Frank today and analysing the way the therapist had redirected parts of the conversation. Even though Eddie had been focused on how Chris was, he's clearly made the conversation about other people. It's a more complicated deflection than Buck usually constructs and it raises some red flags behind his eyes.</p><p>"I love you so much, kiddo. I just worry about you too."</p><p>Chris hums, rubbing his fingers against Eddie's arm. "Mom died and we survived. Then the tsunami happened and we survived that too. You and Buck have both survived getting hurt. I don't think you need to worry, Dad. We're all superheroes."</p><p>He chuckles, but there's something about Chris' avoidance that still bugs him. He doesn't want to ask Buck to quiz Chris but…he's also seriously considering it. Maybe Chris will tell Buck that he's scared, or he's lonely, or he's sad.</p><p>He presses his lips to the top of Chris' hair, tucking him under the blankets. He hums various lullabies that he can recall Abuela singing to him in Spanish, fingers moving slow and steady through the curls on his head. Somewhere into the third song, Chris seems to fall asleep and Eddie gazes at the sweetly sleeping face of his son.</p><p>If Eddie were to ask Santa for anything this Christmas, it would be to keep everyone he loves safe.</p><hr/>
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    <em><strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It feels so strange to be updating this fic, and the other two are finished...</p><p>It was also a much-needed scene with Frank considering I never did the 'therapy' thing with the others. These boys need healing, and it's not going to happen alone &lt;3</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
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    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,890<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p><hr/><p>Buck insists on handling the car keys so Eddie fidgets in the passenger seat of his own truck, occasionally eyeing Chris in the back who is staring out the window with an excited grin on his face. He has a feeling Chris knows what they're doing and Eddie doesn't like being left in the dark because obtaining an answer would just be <em>so much simpler</em> than all the mystery that surrounds where they're going on a school night.</p><p>He frowns when he starts to realise they're heading towards the city. He glances at Buck multiple times but the other man stares resolutely at the road, his fingers tapping to some absent music while he engages Chris in easy conversation about his favourite subject and his best friend and his favourite pair of shoes and what he wants for Christmas. Chris is willing to answer every question Buck throws at him - except the Christmas gift. Eddie's no longer sure who is more frustrated by Chris' lack of answer.</p><p>He sinks into musing about his session with Frank. He'd managed to talk about his scattered memories of Shannon and his difficulty processing the grief of something that had occurred more than a year ago. Despite Frank's reassurance that it was natural to revisit grief and trauma, Eddie hadn't been able to properly explain how it felt like he was experiencing it for the first time all over again. He'd talked about his fears of not being able to return to work because he couldn't remember his job, and his concerns about Chris, and his anger and hurt at his parents for concealing the extent of his injuries after waking up. It had felt like a lot of emotional unloading without really gaining any perspective of how to manage his feelings. It had helped at the time, although he felt guilty for talking so much, but he'd been in an undeniable funk the last few days after dredging so much ugliness to the surface.</p><p>An appointment with Frank for Buck tomorrow wasn't really improving his mood, so maybe that's why they were on an evening road trip into the city.</p><p>Buck skirts the outer limits of the CBD, clearly knowing his way around, and Eddie wonders if he'd know which way to go if he had his memories. Had he been in LA long enough to know? He tries picking out signs or stores or buildings but after a while, everything blends into meaningless streets and light and people.</p><p>Buck reaches across to grasp his hand at one stage, squeezing gently, and Eddie manages a weak sort of smile and tries to pay more attention to his son and his…what? Friend? What <em>is</em> Buck to him at the moment? There are so many layers of conversation they're yet to have and he wonders if he should bring it up when they're at an appointment with Frank. At least if Buck starts to get anxious, Frank could do the sensory counting thing of last week to help Buck breathe again.</p><p>He realises where they are as soon as Buck turns to the parking lot and he looks around with a frown. Chris giggles in the backseat.</p><p>"Why are we here?"</p><p>Buck grins, eyes glittering, as he unbuckles his belt and taps his nose with a wink. "Tradition."</p><p><em>Tradition</em>?</p><p>He helps Chris from the car and his son essentially makes Buck carry his crutches in one hand so that Chris can walk with his hands held between Eddie on one side and Buck on the other. It's slow, and Chris stumbles a couple of times on the cobblestones, but Buck doesn't break stride as he lifts his arm and helps steady Chris on his feet.</p><p>The Grove is different at night compared to when he was here with Bobby and the others during the day. Fairy lights are strung around the trees and Christmas music is piped through speakers. Shoppers mill around, carrying handfuls of bags, and it occurs to him how much he needs to get rid of Buck for a few hours so he can complete some Christmas shopping.</p><p>Near the small pond with the dancing water fountain is a Santa set-up. The pieces he hadn't been able to completely recall before slot into place when he recalls Buck's simple explanation.</p><p>
  <em>Tradition.</em>
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</div><p>Chris makes grabby hands for his crutches and confidently approaches the waiting line. Buck bounds ahead to speak to an elf and pay for some photos and Eddie sinks to the edge of the fountain, water splashing behind him in sparkling arcs. He's blind and deaf to a lot of it as memories flicker behind his eyes. It's been a while since he had chunks of something truly concrete return to him, and he'd forgotten how easily it leaves him feeling winded and jittery.</p><p>"Eds?" Buck's hand brushes over his shoulder as the other man sits beside him. It draws him halfway to a present that feels unreal as he gazes upon two other versions of this location shimmering in front of him.</p><p>"Just- I n-need a minute," he whispers, his eyes finding Chris to make sure his son is safe and okay. Chris is chatting with an elf and a little girl with curly brown hair in a pink fairy dress. Chris is leaning against his crutches and grinning at the elf while listening to her talk.</p><p>Buck's hand slips from his shoulder down his arm, fingers draped loosely around the crook of his elbow. Buck gives him a minute, and then another minute, and Eddie breathes through all the errant thoughts and the confusion and feelings. He can remember talking about Shannon with Buck here, about the mess that was their marriage, and he can remember talking about hoping for a better Christmas for all of them even though they were going to be working on Christmas Day. The memories are real, and they're tangible, and he can't decide if he's glad he can remember something or frustrated that he continues to only get fragmented pieces rather than the entire narrative. Like, had they driven here together in previous years? Or had they been in separate cars? How long had he been reconnecting with Shannon to be talking to Buck about her? How well had Buck known Shannon?</p><p>He presses closer to Buck, head resting on his shoulder while searching for Chris in the line again. A few kids have moved through the line so he's closer to Santa. They still have time.</p><p>"You want to talk about it?" Buck murmurs, with a kiss to the top of Eddie's hair.</p><p>"Just remembering the tradition."</p><p>Buck's hand squeezes against this elbow. Eddie doesn't want to say much more, doesn't want to ruin the moment or make Chris look over at him and realise something might be wrong. He's acutely aware of how anyone looking at them tangled together would assume they're a couple but he doesn't care about that in the slightest. Right now, Buck's providing the lighthouse in a storm of emotions and Eddie didn't want to jeopardise the smile on Chris' face.</p><p>He manages to keep a straight face, manages to hold together his emotions while waving at Chris having his photo taken. He keeps himself focused on some shopping, lets Buck buy far too much candy for Chris, and listens to Chris chatter in the backseat while Buck drives home.</p><p>It's only when he's curled into Buck's arms much later that evening, after Chris is tucked into bed, that the tight control on his emotions starts to unravel and a silent tear finally makes its way down his cheek.</p><hr/><p>"I'd like to take the chance to talk about the two of you."</p><p>Eddie can sense the tension that invades Buck's shoulders at Frank's words. Most of the session, Eddie has focused on the patterns on the floor while Buck talked about how alone he'd felt all year. Even in the midst of a relationship with Cameron, he'd felt unfulfilled. Cameron had convinced him it was something wrong with Buck and Frank had spent a lot of time trying to determine why Buck felt that way.</p><p>"What about us?"</p><p>"I'm not trying to make you defensive, Buck," Frank says, looking between the two of them like he's trying to determine who will react ugliest.</p><p>"Then what-"</p><p>"He's worried you're rebounding, Ev." Eddie scratches at the threads of his jeans.</p><p>"Rebounding? With <em>you</em>?"</p><p>Buck sounds like he's surprised at the observation. When Frank doesn't make any sort of move to contradict Eddie, Buck sounds even more infuriated.</p><p>"I'm not- That's not what this is!"</p><p>"That's what I wanted to discuss. What <em>is</em> 'this'?"</p><p>Buck sinks into his chair, arms folded across his chest. Eddie would be lying if he hadn't hoped Buck would say something to provide some clarity. He's been thinking about it but he hasn't wanted to bring it up. Apparently Frank doesn't have the same qualms.</p><p>"Eddie?"</p><p>Eddie sighs, unsurprised the attention switched to him but wishing it hadn't. "I care about Buck."</p><p>"I never said you didn't."</p><p>"No, but it's-" Eddie bites his lip, glances towards Buck as he weighs his words. "I don't have all the memories but it's...different with Buck. I know it is. And I...I think it always has been."</p><p>Buck peers at him and Eddie can see the internal war between hope and fear in his expression. He hates that he's responsible for it, that he's lost an actual year of his life without Buck's light and love in it, and he's lost more years through the injury. He's not going to start making bold declarations, and certainly not in front of Frank, but he doesn't want to waste more time. He'll wait until Buck's ready, until they both are, but he's naively hopeful they can build something real.</p><p>Buck refuses to engage in any of Frank's prodding questions so Eddie's left to languish in his uncertainty as they leave. In fact, they're halfway home before the silence makes his skin crawl so badly he's about ready to pull his hands off the wheel and start flaying himself with his hands.</p><p>"I don't want to pressure you-"</p><p>"Then don't."</p><p>"Buck-"</p><p>"No."</p><p>He sighs and lapses into silence again, uncertainty leaving him cold. He thought he'd been doing something right with what he'd told Frank but clearly something is stuck in Buck's brain and he's either processing or furious. Eddie is leaning more towards the latter, but if he has to give Buck time for the former, he would.</p><p>He parks in his driveway and turns off the engine, expecting Buck to unclip his belt and flee. When he doesn't move at all, Eddie slowly leans into his seat and settles his hands in his lap. He's not sure if he should look towards Buck or not so, for now at least, he keeps looking ahead.</p><p>"If you think this is a rebound from Cam, then it feels like you're not taking how I feel seriously," Buck says. As quiet as he is with his words, he may as well be yelling in Eddie's ear with a megaphone. "I don't want to stay here if you think-"</p><p>His breath catches as he turns toward Buck in horror. "<em>Buck</em>-"</p><p>Buck holds up a hand, his gaze still ahead of him. He's too measured with his tone and it freaks Eddie out. But…he closes his mouth and tries to ignore the way his hands ball in his lap.</p><p>"I don't want to stay here if you think I'm rebounding from Cameron," Buck continues and Eddie gazes at the side of his face. It's clear and calm and Buck clearly has all his defences up. Eddie's not sure he's ever seen Buck so…closed off. At least not since he woke up and wasn't even sure who Buck was, lingering in the shadows of his hospital room. "You made it clear before that you didn't want me and I- I accepted that, or I tried to. Maybe I just buried it. But if you don't feel anything then-"</p><p>"Buck, <em>stop</em>," he pleads, reaching across the gap to touch a hand to Buck's elbow. He can feel the way Buck twitches but at least he doesn't flinch or recoil. "I don't want to move too fast with this. <em>Not</em> because I think this is a rebound."</p><p>Buck finally looks at him and the doubt and exasperation in his expression is clear. At least it's <em>something</em> in his expression though.</p><p>"I mean it. Buck, you've had a hell of a year with him. So have I."</p><p>Something cracks in Buck's expression at that and he takes it as the only sort of positive sign that he can.</p><p>"All those- All those early relationship things? Friendship? Trust? We've skipped some of that. I <em>feel</em> it," he points at his chest, "but I don't know <em>why</em>." He points at his head. "I want you to heal from Cameron. I want all the bruises gone and I <em>want</em> you to <em>stay</em>."</p><p>Buck's eyes slide from his and Eddie gently squeezes at his elbow.</p><p>"We're figuring it out together, aren't we? We're seeing Frank. We're being honest. We just have to take it slow, because I'm still figuring myself out and you're still-"</p><p>"I'm still learning my triggers," Buck mumbles, and that's not really what Eddie had intended to say but yes, perhaps. The last thing he ever wants to do is say something or touch Buck in such a way that he closes himself off. "I- I'm sorry, Eddie. For getting…upset. I'm just so paranoid and-"</p><p>"Hey." He lifts his fingers from Buck's elbow to his chin, tipping up his head until the sparkly blue eyes meet his. "You don't need to apologise for your feelings with me. You talked, I listened. I talked, you listened. The important thing is do you still want to stay here?"</p><p>Buck nods without even taking a second to think about it and Eddie touches the fingertips to his cheek. "You're learning a lot from Frank about how to talk and listen, aren't you?"</p><p>It's such an unexpected observation that he laughs, and any lingering tension dissolves when he catches Buck's shy smile as they climb out of the truck.</p><hr/><p>Eddie feels a little guilty that he's picking up his kid from school to feed him ice cream in December so he can determine how Chris is beneath all the "I'm fine" layers. Eddie's all too aware that Chris has probably learned the trick from him, which only adds to the guilt. Buck had kissed his cheek before he'd left, reminded him to be gentle, and Eddie… Eddie could be gentle. Right?</p><p>"Dad!" Chris shouts, a beaming grin on his face as he taps his way towards Eddie.</p><p>Eddie's still not at the stage of being able to kneel or sweep him into a hug as often as Buck does, but he still holds out his arms and makes a mock "<em>ooof!</em>" noise like Chris has somehow knocked the air out of his body with the force of his hug. "Hey, kiddo. How was school?"</p><p>"It was great!"</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>Chris starts talking about an experiment that they did in Science and how he got to work on his sculpture in Art and Eddie wonders how often he did this before he was injured. He's sure he loved his son, he's sure he was there for him as much as he was able to be – he was able to do enough maths to work out he had to have been deployed for at least some sections of Chris life – but how often did he pick Chris up from school? How often had he listened to him talk about his day?</p><p>He lets Chris chat but it's after about three turns that his son looks around in confusion. "This isn't the way home."</p><p>"No." He swallows, hesitates on the words. "It's- I thought maybe we could get some ice cream?"</p><p>"Ice cream?" He can hear the surprise in Chris' voice before he giggles. "Best afternoon <em>ever</em>."</p><p>He huffs a laugh, reaches blindly to ruffle a hand through Chris' curls and finds the ice creamery not far from home. Chris squeals and Eddie knows he'll thank Buck for telling him about the place later after he'd sought suggestions over lunch of how to encourage Chris to open up.</p><p>"C'mon, bud."</p><p>He helps Chris out of the truck, trailing after him. It's cool but the weather hasn't yet turned awful and cold. Another couple of weeks, probably. At least, that's what Buck was predicting. Even so, the ice creamery is deserted of other people which is a good thing for Eddie's intended conversation.</p><p>"Can I get a sundae?" Chris says with pleading eyes that Eddie's still learning how to say no to.</p><p>"We're not spoiling your appetite for dinner." He touches a hand to the back of Chris' neck to soften the denial. "You can get two, and <em>only</em> two, toppings though."</p><p>Chris seems satisfied by the compromise and orders a scoop of cookies and cream with sprinkles and chocolate fudge. Eddie asks for the mint chocolate chip and then carries both cups to a small table towards a corner of the shop. It doesn't take long before Chris has fudge smeared around his mouth and across his cheeks (and somehow a smear near his temple) and he has such an enormous smile on his face, his legs swinging beneath the chair, that Eddie almost chickens out so he doesn't spoil it. Almost.</p><p>"Chris."</p><p>Almost immediately, Chris' smile sobers and Eddie hates that he can do that so easily.</p><p>"You're not in trouble."</p><p>"Uh oh…"</p><p>He frowns. "Uh oh?"</p><p>"You always say that and then I <em>am</em> in trouble. Or something's wrong. Is someone dying? Are we leaving LA?"</p><p>"Whoa." His frown deepens and he touches a hand to Chris' shoulder. "Bud, what are you-"</p><p>Chris stabs at his ice cream but makes less of an attempt to scrape any onto his spoon. "I heard you talking to Auntie Maddie."</p><p>"You-" He blinks rapidly as he recalls the conversation he'd had with Maddie, when she'd shown up at the house because he'd hung up on her. "Chris, that was <em>months</em> ago!"</p><p>Chris shrugs and okay, no, stop. He scoots his chair closer, grabs a napkin from the middle of the table and wipes some of the mess off Chris' face so that he doesn't accidentally get fudge and ice cream all over his shirt.</p><p>"Have you been holding onto that this whole time? That you were going to leave?"</p><p>Chris sighs, and it's a sigh filled with too much maturity for someone so young. "You don't remember anyone here except Abuela and me, right? Why would you wanna stay?"</p><p>Eddie stares at Chris and realises, again, that his son is too smart for his own good. And also that he'd been so foolish to think Chris wasn't struggling with all of this. He rubs the back of Chris' neck gently, but it doesn't seem to ease much of the miserable pout.</p><p>"You have friends here," he says slowly, and even as he's talking he realises he'll never be able to leave LA. Not without hurting Chris, and Chris has been through enough in his short life without being torn away from more things that matter. "<em>We</em> have friends here. We can't just leave them behind."</p><p>"We could take Buck with us."</p><p>Okay, well that's…not what he'd been thinking. It brings a small smile to his face though. "Buck's life is here too, Chris. With his sister. And Bobby. And everyone else that loves him, <em>and</em> us." He runs his fingers up through the curls and down again, tucking a few behind Chris' ears. "Chris, I need you to be honest with me, okay?"</p><p>Chris takes a while to turn his head, lift his eyes, and Eddie cradles his face. "Okay…"</p><p>The thought of everything Chris could say in response to the question is enough to make his heart ache. He's talked this over enough times with Frank, even gone as far to rehearse the conversation, but it still felt like inadequate preparation because he couldn't really predict what Chris was going to say any better than Frank could. "How do you <em>really</em> feel about me getting hurt, bud?"</p><p>Chris sighs again, his eyes lowering. "It sucks," he mumbles and even though he hates hearing it, Eddie's grateful for the honesty.</p><p>"Yeah?" He rubs his thumb over Chris' cheek. "What sucks about it?"</p><p>"You don't remember all my friends or my teachers," Chris says with a small shrug. "Or you forget stuff like- like the tsunami, and fighting with Buck or mom, and leaving Texas."</p><p>"Oh baby…" Eddie wraps his arm around Chris' shoulders and tugs him into his side. "I'm so sorry."</p><p>"It's not your fault." Chris pats his arm and leaves some splotches of fudge on his skin. Maybe that explains the smear that had been near Chris' hairline. "You forgot stuff. But you still know me and you love me, right?"</p><p>"More than anyone in the whole world," he says without the faintest trace of doubt, planting a noisy kiss to the top of Chris' hair.</p><p>"Then you'll be okay, kid," Chris says wisely and Eddie… He's not going to question it. He imagines he wants it as much, or almost as much, as his son does.</p><p>"Thank you for telling me how you feel," he says with a gentle squeeze of Chris against him. "I know these last few months have been rough on you but we're not leaving LA, alright? We're staying here and Buck's staying with us."</p><p>"He is?"</p><p>Eddie nods, not naïve enough to think Chris' face lighting up is a coincidence.</p><p>"How long's he staying?"</p><p>"I dunno, mijo. As long as he feels comfortable staying with us." It's vague, and Eddie hates vague, but he really doesn't know. And he doesn't want to ask Buck. They were still on awkward eggshells after the discussion about 'rebounding' a couple of days ago.</p><p>"Can he stay forever?"</p><p>Eddie plants a kiss to the top of Chris' head, if only to cover the small smile that his son's words bring to his face. He doesn't want to freak Buck out by suggesting something like that, and he's fairly certain Frank would have some choice words to say too, but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it.</p><p>"No more hiding how you feel, mijo. Okay?" He tips Chris' chin to meet his eyes. "We don't keep secrets like that from each other."</p><p>"Okay." Chris folds an arm around him, which is probably sticky with ice cream and fudge and sugar. Eddie can't even find it in him to care. "I love you."</p><p>He folds his arms tight around Chris and decorates his hair in noisy kisses while his kid shrieks and giggles. "Love you more."</p><hr/><p>He wakes to the sound of Chris' giggling and Buck's sleepy mumble of "Too early". He cracks open one eye to spy his kid by the side of the bed, his grin enormous as he sways on his crutches, and Eddie can't resist smiling back at him.</p><p>"Merry Christmas, mijo."</p><p>Chris squirms onto the bed beside him, cuddling into his chest. "Merry Christmas, Dad."</p><p>Behind Eddie's back, Buck grunts.</p><p>"And Buck," Chris giggles, which makes Buck hum, his arm slung around Eddie's waist tightening.</p><p>"How'd you sleep?" Eddie asks, cradling an arm around Chris and running fingers through his hair.</p><p>"I didn't hear Santa. D'you think he came?"</p><p>Buck twitches behind him, somewhere between a laugh and a cough. He pats Buck's hand over his stomach because he's not ruining his kid's belief in Santa this year.</p><p>He smiles at Chris, presses a kiss to his head. "How about we go check?"</p><p>Chris wiggles even as Buck grumbles about five more minutes. "C'mon, Buck! It's time for presents!"</p><p>Buck doesn't share Chris' enthusiasm but he's coaxed out of bed with a quick kiss to the cheek and a promise of strong coffee. Chris is almost bouncing as he eyes the tree in the corner of the living room and the cluster of carefully wrapped presents that were decidedly not there when he went to bed last night.</p><p>"Santa came!" he shrieks and Eddie ruffles his hair as he moves towards the kitchen.</p><p>"Guess you must've been good this year, bud."</p><p>The springs of the couch squeak as Buck slumps into the cushions and Eddie returns a few minutes later with fresh mugs of coffee. Chris looks like he's barely able to stop his wiggling fingers from reaching for wrapped presents.</p><p>"Alright." Eddie passes a mug to Buck and sits beside him. "Choose your first present."</p><p>Chris folds to the floor and reaches for the first gift with his name on it.</p><p>Eddie bumps his shoulder against Buck's lightly, noting his quiet distance. "What's wrong?"</p><p>Buck shakes his head and then, when he catches Eddie's arched brow, sighs. A fraction of the tension in his face seems to reduce. "Sorry, I've just- We've never done this before. Christmas morning."</p><p>Eddie hesitantly reaches out to slide his fingers into the gaps of Buck's spare hand where it rests against his thigh. He knows everything has felt off-kilter since their appointment with Frank and he's not been entirely sure how to restore it. They still haven't been clear about who they are, <em>what</em> they are, and he's tried to give Buck the space to make his decisions while also being close enough that he can be attentive and comforting and remind Buck how much he wants him here. It's been a difficult line to navigate but, at least so far, Buck's stayed.</p><p>There's a long breath and then Buck curls his fingers against Eddie's, head tilting to rest against his shoulder. Eddie presses a kiss to his hair and thinks maybe, <em>maybe</em>, they can be okay.</p><p>Eddie doesn't understand Chris' enthusiasm for the array of <em>Finding Nemo</em> gifts that he unwraps from Buck, but he does enjoy Chris' delight as he squeals about various figurines and then unveils a plush toy of Dory that turns out to be a hand puppet.</p><p>For the first time all morning, Buck has a shy smile shading his lips. "Can you feel the button inside?"</p><p>Chris scrunches his face in concentration and then evidently his fingers close around what he's after.</p><p>"<em>Ohhh Mr Grumpy Gills! Don't you know we just have to keep swimming?</em>"</p><p>"Oh my God!" Chris yells in delight at the same time as Eddie covers his face with his hands and mutters, "Oh my God."</p><p>"<em>Can you speak whale? I can speak whale! MwaaaaaaOOOOOOOrrrraaaaaeeeeeee!</em>"</p><p>"I'm going to put salt in your coffee next time," Eddie mutters, to which Buck barks a laugh.</p><p>"It wouldn't be the first time."</p><p>"Oh?"</p><p>"<em>Es-ca-pay! How funny! It's spelled just like escape!</em>"</p><p>Buck winks at him as Chris breaks into peals of laughter and even though Eddie suspects this Dory toy is going to go with Chris <em>everywhere</em> – and he's already expecting the calls from some of Chris' teachers to complain about the thing speaking <em>whale</em> in the middle of a class – he can't begrudge how happy it makes his son.</p><p>Once Chris is done, he digs out a gift that is wrapped with all the finesse of a nine-year-old's hands and bites his lip as he shyly shuffles towards Buck.</p><p>"For me?" Buck seems surprised when Chris holds it out with a nod, so Buck reaches to scoop Chris into his lap. "You didn't have to get me anything, bud."</p><p>"Of course I did," Chris says, gazing up at him with a smile. "You got me presents."</p><p>"Yeah, but…" Eddie nudges Buck's shoulder and he seals his lips shut, fingers picking at tape as he peels away the paper. Chris had been so secretive when Carla had brought him home from school during the week and, as he looks at what's in Buck's lap, he thinks he understands why.</p><p>It's a small book, of sorts. A series of coloured and quartered A4 pages stapled together with a cardboard cover. On the front is the title, <em>"FOR WHEN BUCK'S SAD</em>" in a childish scrawl above a big smiley face and fingerprints of glitter.</p><p>"Chris…"</p><p>"You've been so sad," Chris shrugs, wobbly fingers prodding at the wobbly smile on Buck's face.</p><p>Buck opens the cover and he and Eddie both read some of the coupons inside. A hug that can last as long as Buck wants ("I think my arms will be numb by then, bud"), and a movie night of snuggles, and a day of jokes ("But you gotta tell me in advance so I can prepare them all, okay?), and a drawing, and making Buck's favourite meal, and having breakfast in bed ("Mess up my sheets, Buckley, and breakfast in bed is a one-time deal").</p><p>Buck's cheeks are stained with tears by the time he's done looking through all the coupons. He wraps his arms tight around Chris, pressing kisses to whatever part of his face and hair he can reach while Chris giggles and tries weakly to push him away.</p><p>"There's a reason you're my favourite Diaz," Buck stage-whispers into Chris' hair, his eyes a shade lighter than Eddie's seen them in weeks.</p><p>"I really want to be offended right now but then that insults my kid." He pokes at Buck's cheek. "Well played."</p><p>Buck grins. "You want to get Dad's present, champ?"</p><p>Chris nods, wiggling free of Buck's loosened grip to collect the remote from the table. Both he and Buck share a mischievous grin that makes Eddie immediately suspicious as Buck lifts Chris back onto his lap.</p><p>"So it's not so much a present from us to you as like, <em>everyone</em> to you," Buck explains, turning on the TV while Chris nestles his head on Buck's shoulder, his eyes on Eddie.</p><p>"…okay?"</p><p>"It'll be worth it, Dad." Chris pats his hand and Eddie's gaze narrows at his kid, at the cheeky smile on his face.</p><p>Buck navigates to the DVD menu and hits play and the DVD machine clunks, then starts to whir quietly. He sits back on the couch, looping his arm through Eddie's, as the video starts to play.</p><p>"<em>Eddie Diaz… Cap introduced you as 8-pack and for a brief moment, I questioned my sexuality</em>." Hen's voiceover opens whatever this is and he snorts and Chris giggles, though whether it's his reaction or what Hen says, he's not sure.</p><p>But his amusement gradually fades into surprise, and then something bittersweet sticks behind his chest and leaves him feeling like he can't suck in a proper breath, and tears trickle down his cheeks without catching at them.</p><p>"<em>Buck</em>…" he whispers, as the series of images, and clips, and voiceovers, create a narrative that doesn't provide any sort of false memory but <em>does</em> give him so many small details.</p><p>Details like photos of Chris growing up, or recollections of his first day on the job, the craziest sorts of calls. There are clips of everyone from the team, and Chris, and Michael and Karen and Maddie, Denny and Henry, Sophia and Marcus and Ana ("<em>How?</em>"), and then Abuela ("Okay, now I guess I understand my sisters") and his parents. Clips of him flipping pancakes that are stuck to the pan while everyone laughs at him in the background, clips of him at a party celebrating the end of his probationary period, clips that include Shannon (and doesn't that just make him want to cry even harder) that are interspersed with an array of photos from barbecues, and parties, and all manner of places he doesn't recognise but still pull at his emotions.</p><p>He's completely overwhelmed by the end of it, his hands shaking, his lungs seizing around desperately contained sobs. Buck opens up his arms and he buries his face somewhere between Buck's chest and his son's shoulder, struggling to fathom how something can leave him feeling so overjoyed and absolutely crushing him in the same breath.</p><p>"Maybe it was a bad idea," Chris mumbles as Eddie tries to reign himself back in. He fumbles a shaking hand to catch Chris' arm, squeezing lightly.</p><p>"It's just a lot to take in, Superman," Buck says, fingers stroking through Eddie's hair and down the back of his neck, soothing slow circles across his shoulders and over his spine. "These are good tears. I promise."</p><p>When his sobs turn into a series of fractured hiccups, he sniffs and pulls his face back. Chris is clearly watching him and Buck wipes at his cheeks with quick thumbs.</p><p>"Thank you," he whispers, voice hoarse as he kisses Chris' forehead and then looks towards Buck. He hesitates for a moment, eyes dropping to Buck's lips because after Frank, he's not sure-</p><p>Buck catches the expression on his face and gives a small nod. Eddie presses a chaste kiss to the pink pout before he can second-guess himself. It's a dry press, without any real heat behind it because his kid is sitting in Buck's lap, and it doesn't last more than a few seconds. Even so, it erases some of the nerves and uncertainty that have coiled around his throat for almost a week.</p><p>"Thank you," he repeats, dragging the tip of his nose along the line of Buck's as Buck's arm around him increases its pressure.</p><p>When Eddie pulls away, Chris is staring at them both with bright, wide eyes. "You didn't kiss before," he points out and Eddie's eyes flick towards Buck's to give him the lead in this conversation.</p><p>"That's because your Dad and I were still figuring everything out," Buck explains, his hand settling across Chris' back. Eddie's not sure if they've really figured <em>anything</em> out but he's not going to contradict Buck. Not if he's willing to talk about it.</p><p>"If you're kissing, does that mean you're like…a couple now?"</p><p>"It means I care a lot about Buck, bud," Eddie says when Buck's shoulders visibly stiffen. "We both care a lot about him, right?"</p><p>"Yeah, but I'm not gonna start kissing him."</p><p>Buck laughs and plants a kiss on the top of Chris' head. "Is it okay if I kiss your Dad?"</p><p>Chris shrugs. "Are you gonna stay with us forever?"</p><p>Buck looks startled at the question, wide eyes catching Eddie's. "Buck's staying as long as he feels comfortable, mijo. You know that. And Buck knows that. He can stay as long as he wants."</p><p>"Okay…" Chris' brow furrows as he looks between the two of them. "Are you gonna go to Uncle Bobby and Auntie Athena's party tonight like a couple?"</p><p>It's not something they'd discussed but Eddie can see how it would be stupid to try to conceal there was something more going on. They were always reaching for each other, always looking towards the other. Eddie didn't want to create a series of lies, although he could understand Buck might have an entirely different perspective.</p><p>"Maybe not this time, champ," Buck said quietly, his eyes catching Eddie's and showing he still has uncertainty in the depths of those blue pools. "It's only new."</p><p>"You've loved each other for a while," Chris says, looking unconvinced and stunning the pair of them. "Can we have breakfast now?"</p><hr/>
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    <em><strong>~TBC~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It wasn't until I was going back through this chapter that I realised how much I had forgotten was in it - I think quite a few of the scenes in this were later additions to help connect moments that had been missing in the original draft. </p><p>Thanks be to Nicole for brainstorming ideas for the Christmas gifts. If you're after links to Chris' gifts, then you can find the 'figurines' <a href="https://www.entertainmentearth.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/1000x600_funko_findingdory.jpg">here</a> (they're a variety of Funko figures for Finding Dory) and an image of the Dory talking plush is <a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/710t-RMkU2L._AC_SY355_.jpg">here</a>. You'll also find videos on Youtube of the plush talking.</p><p>It still feels like there's so much story to tell in the remaining chapters, because I know what lies ahead, and yet....there's only a few chapters left. It's already felt like such a strange week without needing to update ATO or TL. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself when I don't have <em>anything</em> left to update so frequently......</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 4,344<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
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<p>The bells dangling on Chris' hat jingle every time he takes a step and the grin on his face is brighter than every light on Bobby and Athena's Christmas tree. Buck lingers close to him and Eddie doesn't miss the series of eyes that skip over them for a long pause before chatter resumes. Maddie pulls Buck into a hug and Bobby squeezes his shoulder and Hen kisses both their cheeks.</p>
<p>As soon as the initial greetings are over, Buck is stolen away by Maddie. Eddie suspects, from the stolen looks in his direction, that she's quizzing Buck about staying with Eddie and what's going on. Judging from Buck's tense shoulders, he's not sure how to respond to the questions about their fledgling relationship. Uncomfortable with the scrutiny, Eddie moves towards the kitchen, gathering drinks for the three of them and then locating Chris with Karen and Denny.</p>
<p>"Thank you," Chris says as his fingers grasp the cup of juice, head wiggling to make the bells jangle again. Karen smiles and Denny laughs.</p>
<p>"How are you, Ed?" Karen says and he drags his fingers through Chris' curls as his son talks with Denny.</p>
<p>"Surviving," he says, offering a small smile. "Still healing."</p>
<p>"Any improvements?"</p>
<p>"Some." He glances at Chris and wishes there were more improvements, that everything was back to normal and he could look forward to returning to something resembling work. He wishes he could soothe his kid's worries. "We've started seeing Frank."</p>
<p>Karen's eyebrows rise. She moves off the chair, hooks her arm through his to lock their elbows together, and leads him away from the boys. "Together?"</p>
<p>He shifts with slight discomfort. "I'm doubling up with individual appointments and also to support Buck? It's…" He sighs, eyes drifting from hers to catch on others around the room. "I'm not sure it's helping me remember anything but he's been through a lot the last month."</p>
<p>"He probably appreciates you being there too," she says thoughtfully.</p>
<p>Eddie looks at her and he can tell she knows more than she's letting on. It confirms that there <em>is</em> a reason for Buck's request to accompany him to see Frank, but...why?</p>
<p>"You've been through plenty, Ed." She touches his cheek, something warm and maternal in the gesture. He should call his mother and wish her a Merry Christmas after he thanks her for the involvement in the video. Maybe say he'll fly out to visit her and the family for a change of scenery, although he doesn't want to leave Buck or make Chris think they're moving permanently. "Make sure <em>you</em> are taking care of yourself."</p>
<p>She sounds like Abuela and she laughs when he tells her that.</p>
<p>"Your Abuela is badass, Diaz. I don't mind being compared to her."</p>
<p>It leaves him with a smile long after he's drifted away from her and been hugged by Athena, who asks how Buck is doing, and Maddie, who asks about Chris, and Chim, who asks if he knows when he'll return to work. The smile slips a bit at Chim's question and the man must realise how difficult it really is to consider returning to work when he doesn't truly remember what <em>work</em> is.</p>
<p>"Sorry, man. I thought-"</p>
<p>"It's okay, Chim. You still owe me an explanation for <em>Chimney</em> though."</p>
<p>Chim laughs and winks. Bobby calls out about dinner being ready and everyone starts to shuffle towards the outside. The assorted group gather around the table and he spots Buck guiding Chris to his seat. As much as his eyes linger on the fairy lights for a long breath, Eddie realises he's so lucky to have this group of people continue to love him and invite him to special events even though he struggles to remember them. It's clear they're more than just a team, but a <em>family</em>. A family he knows has concealed information or stories to avoid false recollections, but a family that has shown up time and time again.</p>
<p>"Hey…" He clears his throat and finds the tiled floor very interesting when he feels everyone's eyes on him. "Look, we, uh… We probably all know I'm not really a speech kind of guy." There's a smattering of amused laughs around the table and he bites his bottom lip, glancing up and trying not to squirm at voluntarily being in the spotlight. "I needed you all to know that I- I really appreciated the video you were undoubtedly all responsible for creating. It was- I don't think I can capture how much it meant to me with words."</p>
<p>And he knows he can't, because they'd given him footage of Chris growing up, precious details that he can't remember and might never remember, but now has in video format. When he'd asked Buck how the video had been made, Buck had simply smiled mysteriously and said he knew someone who owed him a favour. The gifts for Chris had been easier to explain - providing Athena his key to Cameron's place so that while he was in custody, she'd collected some of his essential belongings and the gifts while Eddie was at an appointment with Frank.</p>
<p>He lets his eyes drift to everyone at the table, not lingering on anyone in particular but hoping his appreciation is clear. "I know this isn't Thanksgiving but I really wanted you to know how grateful I am to all of you for being in my life, and Christopher's life. These past months have been difficult but I- It's been easier having so many of you looking out for both of us. So I just wanted to say thank you."</p>
<p>He's not sure whether to include Buck but he decides against it, mostly because he doesn't want to make Buck uncomfortable. It's not like they're avoiding each other but they've been making a somewhat concerted effort not to look <em>too</em> close which leads to too many uncomfortable questions.</p>
<p>"Cheers to that!" Hen announces and there are some cheers and a whole lot of glasses clinking. Eddie seizes the opportunity to scurry to his seat with Chris and Buck, aware that his cheeks feel too warm as he folds trembling fingers into his lap and tries to collect himself against the discomfort of being the centre of attention.</p>
<p>Buck's hand reaches behind Chris' head to brush against the back of his neck with a gentle squeeze. It helps settle his nerves more than any sort of grounding exercise, although he has a feeling a few eyes at the table catch the gesture.</p>
<p>Plates are passed and bowls of food exchanged, heaping serves of meats and salads and vegetables. As far as Eddie can tell, there's not only far too much food on the table but there's also too much food on his and Christopher's plates. Chatter resumes among partners or across the table and Eddie doesn't even realise that Buck's been painstakingly cutting Chris' items into bite-sized pieces until he stops searching the array of trays to determine if he has everything.</p>
<p>"Thank you."</p>
<p>"Thank you, Buck," Chris echoes and Buck shakes his head, a shy smile dimpling his cheeks.</p>
<p>"Least I could do."</p>
<p>They're halfway through the meal when a doorbell chimes through the rowdy noise. Eddie's eyes flick towards the house but catch on Bobby and Athena looking at each other in confusion. Bobby frowns and Athena's gaze sweeps across the table, but there aren't any free seats. Everyone is there.</p>
<p>Bobby rises to answer the door and Athena touches his hand. There's an odd tension in her brow that seeps into Eddie's shoulders, a look that he recognises from the military. It's a look he logically <em>knows</em> was years ago and yet emotionally still feels fresh from only a few months ago. It's the expression of trying to conceal concern from a group when you know something is wrong.</p>
<p>Instincts override logic as he moves from his seat, lifting Christopher into his arms before Bobby's reached the backdoor to the house. Even though adding his son's weight to his hip makes his leg protest, he launches into protective mode without needing to think twice about it.</p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p>"Eddie?"</p>
<p>"Athena-" He meets her eyes and he knows she knows. She's on her feet in an instant, calling out to Bobby in a tone that makes him stop. The doorbell chimes again and Eddie tries to believe it doesn't sound menacing. He catches Buck's hand, dragging him from the chair and disappearing into the shadows of the garden.</p>
<p>"Dad? What are we doing? Why are we here?"</p>
<p>"Hush, mijo," he murmurs, watching Athena past the frond of a plant as she enters the house, her words unclear but her gestures obvious in telling Bobby to stay where he is. The rest of the dinner guests have fallen silent, hands frozen around cutlery like some sort of demented pantomime.</p>
<p>"Eddie, what's wrong?"</p>
<p>"Trust me, will you?" he says quietly to Buck, cradling Chris' cheek against his shoulder and attempting to kiss the creases out of his son's forehead.</p>
<p>There's another chime and Athena reappears from her bedroom, moving up the stairs with a clear poise and purpose. She's changed into Sergeant mode, gun in her hands, the same way Eddie had slipped back to his military days, and needed to protect those nearest to him.</p>
<p>Buck inhales sharply when he notices her weapon. "No," he whispers, shaking his head when he obviously catches on to what's happening. "<em>No</em>, he- he wouldn't."</p>
<p>"Wouldn't he?" Eddie challenges, keeping his hand tight in Buck's, when Athena disappears from view at the top of the stairs.</p>
<p>He feels like he holds his breath - he's fairly certain Buck is - and then a commotion erupts inside the house. He shrinks further with Buck and Chris, concealing them in the darkness and thankful that he was right to get them to safety.</p>

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</div><p>He can hear Athena's piercing voice, clear as day, ordering Cameron to get on the ground with his hands on his head. He can hear her calling out to Bobby to call 911. There's the sound of clattering cutlery against plates when the others start to realise what's happening. Chim moves in front of Maddie, and Michael grabs Harry and May, and Hen grasps Denny's wrist. Chris whimpers, covering his ears with his hands, and Eddie realises how erratic Buck's breathing has become.</p>
<p>"He's here," Buck hiccups, inching further backwards into the shadows. "He's- O-Oh God…"</p>
<p>"I'm here too," Eddie reassures, forcing Chris into Buck's arms to hold before his wobbly leg gives out on him. Some light spilling across the yard catches in Buck's blue eyes and Eddie can see they look wildly confused. Buck holds Chris against his chest, hugging the boy into his arms and hooking his chin over Chris' shoulder. "Chris and I both are here with you, Ev. It's okay. Focus on me. Focus on <em>us</em>. Athena's got this."</p>
<p>Buck's fingers tangle into Eddie's sweater and Eddie steps closer, covering the hand with his own. In the distance, he can hear the wail of sirens and knows that back-up is on its way. He's not relieved yet, but he will be. They both will be.</p>
<p>He gazes into the sparkles that catch in Buck's eyes, squeezing his hand. "You want to tell me five things you can see?"</p>
<p>Buck manages a choked sort of laugh, those eyes turning towards him. "You trying to Frank me?"</p>
<p>He smiles, despite the awfulness of the situation. "Will it work?"</p>
<p>"Who's Frank?" It's Eddie's turn to snort and he brushes his spare hand over Chris' back.</p>
<p>"Can- Can you just hold us?" Buck whispers, and Eddie can tell how much trust that must take when Buck's obviously rattled. He folds his arms around Buck and his son, subtly – or not so subtly – turning Buck away from the house so that he can't see what's happening inside the house.</p>
<p>He can feel the way Buck trembles against him, and he can hear the impact of that trembling in the faint jingle of Chris' bells. He curves his hand behind Buck's neck, thumb rubbing slow circles around the knob of his spine. There are no gunshots, no more yelling. He suspects Athena's waiting on backup. Cameron's probably already in cuffs. They're as safe as they can be until the dickhead is in the back of a patrol car.</p>
<p>The sirens are louder and some of the others have separated themselves from the table, standing to the sides of the backyard rather than clustering in the middle. Karen is clutching Denny against her and Michael's still got a hand on Harry and May but Eddie just focuses on Chris and Buck, on gentle reminders to breathe and to identify what he can see, or hear, or feel, or smell, or taste, even when Buck weakly protests he doesn't need to use Frank's strategy.</p>
<p>"You're okay." He strokes his fingers up and through Buck's hair, holding him tighter when the sirens cut out, when there's clearly conversation inside, when there's indecipherable yelling from the house which is still distinctly Cameron's timbre.</p>
<p>Buck shudders when he hears it, pressing closer to Eddie's chest. Between them, Chris says quietly, "You're gonna be okay, kid. You have us."</p>
<p>Buck's breath hitches around a sob and he kisses Chris' hair, then nuzzles into Eddie's neck. "I love you, Christopher," Buck sniffles and Chris giggles.</p>
<p>"I love you too, Buck." He says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world and Eddie can feel the way a small fraction of Buck's tension loosens.</p>
<p>Eddie nudges a kiss to Buck's temple, cradles the back of his neck, and sways a little on the spot to stay calm. When he sees Athena return downstairs and fold her arms around Bobby, he starts to feel like he can relax.</p>
<p>"He's gone."</p>
<p>Buck hiccups. "Y-You sure?"</p>
<p>"Athena's hugging Bobby. He's gone."</p>
<p>Buck releases a sob and his knees bend beneath him. Chris gives a small cry of fright at the movement and Eddie does his best to steady them both, guiding Buck to the ground and holding both of them as best as he can in his lap. Buck dissolves into tears, a series of aborted breaths that have Chris squeezing him into a hug too.</p>
<p>"I've got you," Eddie repeats, over and over and over again. "I've got you, Ev. It's okay. You're okay. We're all safe."</p>
<p>He catches a glimpse of Athena exiting the house with her arm through Bobby's. It seems to break the anxious spell cast over everyone else that trapped them in a state of inertia. Within moments, Maddie has joined them, squashing into Buck's other side with her arm around Chris and a hand against Eddie's shoulder. Bobby joins them too, settling against Eddie's back. Listening to Buck cry just about breaks his heart and he can hear Maddie hushing her brother, humming a song Eddie doesn't recognise, murmuring how much she loves him and how everyone's okay.</p>
<p>The love and support steadily gathers when Hen sits with them, and then Chim, followed by Athena and Karen and Michael and the kids. It becomes a massive group cuddle and somewhere in the middle of it is his little family, which has also become his entire world.</p>
<p>He just about dissolves into tears himself.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Chris lays between them, his breathing slow and even, and Eddie watches some of the shadows shift across Buck's face. The streaks of dappled light thread gold through his hair and decorate his face in errant patterns. Judging from the smudge of lavender beneath Buck's eyes, his limited sleep is catching up with him. It would make the third night in a row that Buck hadn't slept much, only snatching a few hours in the morning hours when the sun started to chase away the demons in the darkness. Eddie's left the bedside lamp on, but even that hasn't helped. Last night, Chris had crawled into bed with them claiming he wanted extra cuddles. Maybe having Chris nearby, and safe, was the only reason Buck had allowed himself to close his eyes to rest now.</p>
<p>So Eddie watches, and he notes the moments where Chris' breathing shifts into stirring awake. His eyelashes flutter open, a scrunch of his nose and eyes as he yawns and picks at the blanket covering his chest, a furrow of uncertainty when he seems confused by where he is, and then he realises Eddie's awake and Buck's not.</p>
<p>"Hi," Chris whispers, wiggling a little closer to Eddie's arm.</p>
<p>"Hey, baby." Eddie brushes a kiss to Chris' forehead, tucking his son into his chest. "How'd you sleep?"</p>
<p>Chris stifles another yawn and hums. "I feel good. Didn't have any nightmares."</p>
<p>"Yeah?" He rubs a gentle hand against Chris' chest, feeling his stomach twist into knots that his kid had been having nightmares and not talking about them. "What have they been about?"</p>
<p>Chris shrugs, blinking up at him. "They change. Sometimes you or Buck can't save me because one of you is hurt. Or Buck's hurt and you're sad. Or you're hurt and he's sad. They're- They're mostly just sad, rather than scary."</p>
<p>Eddie frowns, skimming fingers through Chris' curls and cradling his face. "I still don't like that you're having nightmares again. Has it only been the last few nights?"</p>
<p>"They come and go," Chris says with another vague shrug that does nothing to soothe Eddie's concerns.</p>
<p>"Mijo…" He sighs, stroking his thumb against the swell of Chris' cheek and drawing those hazel eyes towards him again. "Tell me if they come back and they're scary, okay? I don't want you keeping this from me either. Buck and I might get hurt sometimes but we will always, <em>always</em>, save you from being hurt."</p>
<p>"You sure?"</p>
<p>"Almost as sure that I love you more than anyone else in the <em>world</em>," Eddie insists to a quietly giggling Chris.</p>
<p>They curl back together, both watching Buck sleep. Eddie wonders if they should be creeping out of the bed and leaving Buck alone, except Eddie's loath to abandon Buck in case he wakes with a fright. Letting him sleep peacefully seemed like the better option than needing to race in and try to comfort him.</p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p>"Hm?"</p>
<p>"Will Buck be okay?"</p>
<p>Eddie's eyes wander over the pallor of sleeplessness in Buck's face. He knows Buck's been more jumpy and irritable the last few days, which is understandable when he's rarely slept, but he's also been more reserved and guarded in talking about his feelings. At times, he's disappeared so far into himself that Eddie's worried he won't be able to pull him out. It's clear Cameron's presence had disrupted Buck's stability but he hasn't wanted to talk about it. Knowing that Frank is uncontactable because he's on 'holidays' until the second week of January hasn't helped.</p>
<p>"Remember how it took you a while to feel better after the tsunami?" he says, looking at Chris. His son blinks at him and nods. "I think… I think Buck will need time to feel better too. But he knows he has a lot of people who love him and that will help him feel better."</p>
<p>Chris' eyes flick towards Buck, his lips pursuing together in doubt. "He just seems so <em>sad.</em>"</p>
<p>Eddie presses a gentle kiss to Chris' shoulder. "Buck's the bravest man we know, remember?" Eddie insists with a small smile. "If we give him lots of time and patience and love, he'll be okay."</p>
<p>Chris nods, seemingly satisfied with that answer, and maybe it's because he's tucked into Eddie's arms that he ends up slipping into a doze. In any case, he doesn't react when Buck twitches awake half an hour later, confused blue eyes taking an extra moment to focus on Chris and then Eddie before understanding or awareness creeps in. His nose wrinkles and his eyes scrunch shut for a moment. It's clear Chris isn't the only one having nightmares.</p>
<p>He loosens his grasp on Chris to reach a hand across the mattress gap and Buck clasps it, the tremors in his fingers painfully obvious. Eddie rubs his thumb against some of the knuckles, keeping his gaze steady on Buck as some of the wildness in the deep blue pools gradually fades.</p>
<p>Buck shifts closer, drawing Eddie's hand to his lips to kiss the back of it, and there's a tentative edge of a smile when Eddie squeezes his hand.</p>
<p>"Thank you," Buck whispers, his eyes dropping to Chris before returning to Eddie again.</p>
<p>He's not sure what Buck's thanking him for but maybe the details don't matter. He squeezes again, tugging Buck closer until Chris is pressed between them and Eddie can drag his hand through Buck's hair and cup the back of his neck. He marvels at the way Buck's eyes soften, the way he nuzzles into the affection, the way he looks so content after waking up looking so startled.</p>
<p>"Any time," Eddie promises.</p>
<hr/>
<p>They're gathered around the table with a 1000-piece puzzle that Hen and Karen had bought for Chris. Eddie's sick of turning tiny pieces, sorting by colour while Chris and Buck work on separating edge pieces and trying to develop the outline of the image on the box. It's some sort of watercolour impression of a European-looking castle, and the image is spectacular, but Eddie doesn't have the patience for it. He's only sticking with it because Chris is excited to work on something together and the concentration furrowing Buck's brow is better than seeing him drift into his miserable distance.</p>
<p>The doorbell chimes and Eddie seizes the opportunity to move away from a thousand pieces that are all starting to look the same. Chris squishes another piece into the edge frame and Buck high-fives him and Eddie can't begrudge the opportunity to sit quietly and puzzle and bond.</p>
<p>He opens the door with a slight smile on his face, which freezes into confusion.</p>
<p>"Abuela? ¿A qué le debo el honor?"</p>
<p>"Seeing you and little Christopher is not enough of an honour?" she teases and he rolls his eyes, sinking into her tight hug while she kisses both his cheeks.</p>
<p>She follows him through the house and Chris squeals, scurrying from his seat to wrap his arms around her. "Abuela! ¿Cómo estás?"</p>
<p>She strokes her hand through his hair, a smile on her face as she looks from him to Buck. "I am well, pollito. I see you are completing a puzzle with Evan?"</p>
<p>"Yeah! I got it for Christmas!" Chris grabs at Abuela's hand and tugs her toward the table. She briefly touches the back of Buck's neck and he smiles at her, catching her fingers as she sits next to Chris.</p>
<p>
  <em>Abuela called and said I need to be here.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And you don't argue with Abuela.</em>
</p>
<p>His gaze narrows as he surveys Buck and his grandmother. He'd never questioned Abuela about it, nor had he ever really asked Buck to elaborate. At the time, he'd been in too many pieces over Shannon to think about how close Buck and Abuela must have been.</p>
<p>"How are you, Evan?" she says, reaching to sift through puzzle pieces to add to their various accumulated piles.</p>
<p>Buck glances from her, to Chris, to Eddie, and back to her. "Managing," he answers vaguely, picking through other pieces.</p>
<p>Eddie joins them at the table again, his knee brushing against Buck's and feeling it bouncing slightly beneath the table. Buck flashes a small smile at him and his knee leans further into Eddie's in response.</p>
<p>"How did you two meet?" Eddie eventually asks when he's spent a while noting how Buck and Abuela move around each other, comfortably searching for pieces. He's not sorted much, more interested in how their conversation drifts from topic to topic with ease.</p>
<p>Abuela and Buck look at each other, and then at him.</p>
<p>"The hospital."</p>
<p>Eddie arches a brow at Buck. "What did you <em>do</em>?"</p>
<p>"<em>Me</em>?" Buck squawks in disbelief. "I didn't do anything! It's your Abuela who broke her hip!"</p>
<p>Eddie's eyes swivel to his grandmother. "You <em>what</em>?"</p>
<p>She rolls her eyes at him. "Nieto, it was years ago."</p>
<p>"And that's meant to make me feel better?"</p>
<p>Abuela's hand covers the back of his, patting gently. "We do not need to discuss my past health issues."</p>
<p>Eddie glowers at her but her attention has already returned to Buck.</p>
<p>"You wish to tell him about my hip? Should I mention when you moved my couch while still on crutches?"</p>
<p>It's Eddie's turn to look at Buck in outrage. "You <em>what</em>?"</p>
<p>Chris laughs. "I fit another piece!"</p>
<p>"Well done, champ! You're killing this," Buck says with a grin that rivals Chris'. The sudden break in conversation effectively derails his intention to admonish Buck for potentially injuring himself, or wanting to find out why Abuela hadn't called him to help her move the couch last year. Or why she hadn't told him about her broken hip. Or when that was. And whether she had healed now.</p>
<p>He sighs, feeling exasperated by these two people he cares about deeply, who have somehow been there for each other without his knowledge. Yet there's something more relaxed in Buck's shoulders as he continues sorting puzzle pieces, trading high-fives with Chris and asking Abuela to look for a specific coloured or shaped pieces. Of all the people he could have thought about inviting over to distract Buck, his grandmother wouldn't have made the list. She pokes Buck's shoulder and mutters something in a mixture of English and Spanish that makes Buck laugh.</p>
<p>Some of Eddie's frustration at the puzzle pieces fades as the four of them sit and work together. There's a calm ease between them and Eddie wonders how he ever could have turned Buck down. Buck's presence is stamped across so many of Eddie's memories, and he's clearly entrenched within Eddie's family. Abuela calls about him, or simply calls Buck for help, and Sophia and Marcus tease him and...it should've been obvious to Eddie how much Buck meant to him but there are still times he's surprised.</p>

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      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So fun fact: the jigsaw puzzle picture was posted by Luke Mitchell (Aussie actor) on Twitter while I was writing this, and at some point trying to figure out a family thing to do that was calm, and it felt like fate. So. I stole the pretty picture and stowed it away for posting up within the fic. </p>
<p>Two chapters to gooooooo.... Cameron continues to be a nightmare but he is, mostly, gone for good now. And about damn time too!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 3,293<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
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</div><p>"I'm going to transfer back," Buck announces on the day before New Year's Eve. Chris is playing with various clusters of Lego on the coffee table and Eddie's sipping coffee and flicking through news snippets on his phone, but they both look up at him. He's showered and dressed in actual clothes. His eyes look clearer than they have in almost a week, although they're still shadowed by his interrupted sleep.</p>
<p>Eddie shuts off his phone to watch Buck lean against the wall with his arms loosely folded over his chest. There's something more settled and calm about his appearance, something Eddie's not sure he's seen in the months since he woke up and forgot too much. He's not going to question Buck– he's not interested in stoking the doubts he knows Buck has about any decisions lately – but he thinks it's good to see Buck stand a little straighter.</p>
<p>"I hate that someone will have to leave the 118 but it's- I don't know if I can go back to the 83rd," Buck adds, fiddling with his sleeves as his eyes drop towards his hands. "They weren't- It didn't have the same sense of…of <em>family</em>. I know Bobby will be more vigilant about keeping me safe and that I'll be closer to Athena's precinct and I- I need that security if- if something goes wrong again."</p>
<p>"That makes sense," Eddie nods, and Buck seems relieved by the confirmation. Eddie's glad Buck feels like he can return to his old team, he just wishes he could get his memory back so he could go too. Then he could also be vigilant for any presence of Cameron to ensure Buck stayed safe and calm.</p>
<p>Apparently satisfied that his decision is the right one and had Eddie's endorsement, Buck gives a small twitch of his head and disappears into the kitchen. Eddie gazes at his coffee mug and then looks towards where Chris is still sticking coloured bricks together into some shape that resembles nothing in particular. He's still not sure how to feel about his own realisation that he'll probably never return to work with Buck. He's still not sure how to feel about his own realisation that he needs to start figuring out what he's going to do with his life instead.</p>
<hr/>
<p>For all Buck's light when declaring his intention to return to the 118 in January, he turns quiet and distant again when he emerges for New Year's Eve the next day. Chris seems more reserved too, though Eddie suspects that's got more to do with Buck's downcast disposition.</p>
<p>Eddie nudges him while Buck fiddles with his coffee mug. "What's wrong?"</p>
<p>Buck looks at him with some sort of tiredness, a sadness swirling within the blue eyes, and he realises it's another thing he's forgotten.</p>
<p>The 118 are working so in the absence of a proper party, probably at Athena's house, they have a quiet night in. It's probably a good thing, because Buck's still resisted talking about the impact of Cameron at the Christmas party and not for the first time, Eddie wishes Frank was available. Instead, Maddie shows up for dinner and keeps her hand wrapped around Buck's arm the entire time while Eddie tries not to look at them too closely to decode their silent conversation.</p>
<p>He's almost grateful when the phone rings.</p>
<p>"Abuela, you're on speaker."</p>
<p>"¡Feliz año nuevo, nieto. And to little Christopher and Evan too," Abuela coos over the phone.</p>
<p>"Happy New Year, Abuelita!'</p>
<p>"Happy New Year, Isabel," Buck echoes, curling his hand into Maddie's on top of the table.</p>
<p>"We hope 2021 will be a better year for everyone," Pepa says, to which Abuela makes an approving noise in the background.</p>
<p>"Hopefully they didn't just jinx it," Buck mutters to Maddie and she clearly flashes him a smile.</p>
<p>Sophia calls when it would be 10:30 for her in Chicago, declaring she's had enough of waiting and is going to bed early.</p>
<p>"You're getting old, hermana," he teases and she clucks her tongue at him.</p>
<p>"I'll remind you of that in a few years when you catch up to me."</p>
<p>When they turn towards watching movies, Maddie announces it's time for her to head home before it gets too late to drive safely.</p>
<p>"Be safe," she says to Buck, cradling one side of his face and leaning to kiss the other. "Don't make any stupid decisions tonight."</p>
<p>Eddie frowns at her words but accepts her hug regardless, giving them a small wave as she departs.</p>
<p>They end up on the couch and Chris alternates whose lap he snuggles into every twenty minutes or so, wiling away the hours until 9 p.m. through watching another animated movie. It's calm, and it's relaxed, but beneath it all there's a thrum of tension in Buck's body language that Eddie can't quite put his finger on.</p>
<p>"Any goals for the new year?" Buck asks Chris, whose feet are propped in Eddie's lap even as he rests his head in the crook of Buck's elbow. Eddie rubs his thumbs over the arches of the small feet, helping his kid relax in the hopes he sleeps through all the chaotic noise of midnight that Eddie's already dreading.</p>
<p>"I want Dad's memory back."</p>
<p>Eddie's inhale sticks in his throat and his eyes flicker between Buck and Chris, the sweet innocence scraping gouges into his lungs and making it hard to breathe.</p>
<p>Buck trails his fingers through Chris' curls and nuzzles a kiss to his forehead. "I want that too, buddy. But...you know how sometimes it's difficult for you to walk long distances without your crutches?"</p>
<p>Chris nods, staring up at Buck with wide, trusting eyes behind his glasses. It makes Eddie's breath catch again but for different reasons.</p>
<p>"That's because sometimes it's easier when you start something, but it's hard to keep going. And then it starts to feel overwhelming, right? Like it's too impossible to walk and you just want your crutches?"</p>
<p>Chris nods again.</p>
<p>"That's kind of what it's like for your dad," Buck explains, swirling fingertips over his face. "He's got some of his memories back but trying to get all of them back might be really difficult, maybe impossible, and it feels kind of overwhelming."</p>
<p>Buck's eyes slant towards Eddie and Eddie realises his fingers have stilled against Chris, like he'd stopped breathing or moving so his son forgets he's there and starts talking more. It's fascinating hearing Buck take something familiar to Chris and turn the amnesia into an analogy he can understand. It also highlights how well Buck understands him even when he hasn't always been open about how he feels.</p>
<p>"But that's why we have to keep reminding him it's okay if he doesn't remember, that we can help him make new memories, and that we love him anyway," Buck continues, holding Chris' entire attention.</p>
<p>Eddie stares, watching as some of the uncertainty in Chris' face and eyes flickers and fades. Chris finally looks at him, as if he's never forgotten Eddie was there, and then his face brightens into a grin.</p>
<p>"I love you," he says and Eddie's heart swells. It's impossible not to smile back.</p>
<p>"I love you too, Chris." He circles his thumbs around Chris' ankle again and Chris tips his head to peer up at Buck.</p>
<p>"Love you too, Buck."</p>
<p>"And I love you," Buck promises, planting a row of kisses across Chris' forehead that makes him giggle.</p>
<p>"Do you love Dad?"</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure who grows more still, him or Buck. They look at each other and there's definitely something guarded in Buck's expression. Chris pushes his foot into Eddie's hand.</p>
<p>"Do you love Buck?"</p>
<p>Eddie feels like his throat is drier than the sand in the Sahara. He's definitely not sure how to swallow and make his words work.</p>
<p>"I'm really glad Buck is here with us this year," Eddie says, afraid he'll say the wrong thing and Buck will close off. "I hope he knows that."</p>
<p>Buck managed a wobbly sort of smile and a tiny nod of his head, which he'll take as a win. Their attention returns to the TV but Eddie keeps stealing glances at Buck, trying to check he's okay. By the time 9 o'clock hits, Chris is snoring quietly and Buck ensures the midnight celebrations in New York City are recorded for Chris to watch in the morning.</p>
<p>"You want to stay up til midnight?" Buck whispers when the fluttering confetti stops filling the screen.</p>
<p>"Not really but I- I don't really want to sleep either."</p>
<p>Buck nods, scooping his arm beneath Chris' legs. "Let me get this little one into bed and we'll figure something out."</p>
<p>Eddie watches Buck carry Chris with ease towards his bedroom and tugs a cushion into his lap. Although Buck had reassured Chris about his memory, the pain of forgetting still sits heavily upon his shoulders constantly and tightens his chest every time he tries to get oxygen into his lungs. Chris' pointed questions about love only add to the hurt and fear he feels. He hugs the cushion, stifling the urge to cry, and tries to think about all that he <em>has</em> remembered as Gus and Frank have encouraged. He can almost start to believe it's better that there are swathes he doesn't remember. Maybe he's a better version of himself since the incident happened.</p>
<p>He's still clutching the pillow when Buck returns from Chris' room, still trying to contain his feelings.</p>
<p>"Thank you for...for what you said to Chris. About my memory," Eddie says, biting his lower lip when Buck looks towards him.</p>
<p>"I hope I didn't overstep…"</p>
<p>"No, you… You managed to explain it in a way he could understand. It's… He told me it sucks but I think he's still hiding it. I think he's trying to protect me?" He swallows, picking at the pillow. "My son is in pain and he- It feels like he can't tell me. I'm worried about him, Ev."</p>
<p>"Hey." Buck scoots closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and closing a hand around Eddie's restless fingers. "Chris talks to you, Eds. You just haven't realised what you're hearing."</p>
<p>He frowns, torn between leaning into Buck to ask him to elaborate and pulling away to insist he's a terrible father. Perhaps Buck senses the indecision because he wriggles his fingers until they settle into the gaps of Eddie's, anchoring him to the spot on the couch. He wants to ask about Chris' other questions but he's afraid of Buck's response.</p>
<p>"When Chris cuddles into your lap, it usually means he's okay and he knows that you'll feel better holding him," Buck explains, shifting the arm around Eddie's shoulders so he can skim his fingers through some of the hair on the back of Eddie's head, circling the nape down to the knob of his spine. "When he's playing with his Legos, he's comfortable doing his own thing and being independent."</p>
<p>"But that's still not <em>talking</em> to me," Eddie mumbles, wondering if he sounds as petulant as he feels.</p>
<p>"When Chris isn't okay, he knows he can talk to you. Or he knows he can talk to me. Or to Bobby. Or Hen. Or Maddie. Or Abuela." Buck squeezes his hand, a small smile at the edge of his lips. "It takes a village, Eds. You haven't known when or how to call on us but I guarantee you that Chris talks to the people who can support him when he needs it."</p>
<p>It's another thing about the amnesia that Eddie wants to hate – his inability to know who to call when his son needs help adds to the guilt he feels about being a terrible father. His vision wavers with the tears that prickle his eyes and he tries to blink them away before Buck notices. The effort is futile, of course, because Buck tilts Eddie's head back to catch sight of the glimmer of the tears. His lips turn down and he cradles Eddie's jaw, lifting his eyes towards the sad blues in front of him.</p>
<p>"Your kid has been through so much and yet he loves you <em>so much</em>," Buck whispers, thumb drifting through a tear-trail when Eddie can't swallow away his fraught emotions. "You're a fantastic father, Eddie."</p>
<p>"How did you-?"</p>
<p>Buck smiles sadly. "I know you."</p>
<p>It's not the first time he's realised there's an imbalance between them but it hits a little differently when Buck's lips are pressed together and his eyes glitter with something rueful. For a change, it doesn't make him angry through frustration at himself, and his shitty memory, and the unfairness of an injury that is beyond his control. Maybe it's because he realises that Buck knows him so well, sees all the insecurities he tries to hide, and accepts him for the flaws anyway. It's almost…comforting, perhaps. A relief that someone understands him. A realisation that everything swirling within him is so much deeper than some of his feelings for Shannon.</p>
<p>He keeps his eyes on Buck even as he tilts his head to brush a kiss to the palm against him. There are so many feelings inside his chest that it's hard to separate them – gratitude mingled with despair, love mingled with misery, hope mingled with sorrow – but something thaws the sadness in Buck's eyes.</p>
<p>He moves slowly, with another kiss to Buck's palm, then the inside of his wrist. Buck still looks hesitant.</p>
<p>"What Chris said earlier-"</p>
<p>"Eds, it's okay, I-"</p>
<p>"It's not though. I know it's not."</p>
<p>Buck sighs, leaning in to kiss him briefly. It plasters over some of the cracks in his heart but he can feel the uncertainty in Buck's lips. It reminds him how tense Buck's been all evening and he bumps their noses, eyes flickering open to trace over the expression in front of him.</p>
<p>"What's bothering you?"</p>
<p>Buck's eyes shift away and Eddie tightens his hand around Buck's so the other man can't flee. But Buck seems…resigned, almost, and concedes a sigh and restores some distance between them. Removing his hand from Eddie's cheek leaves him feeling cold.</p>
<p>"Ev?"</p>
<p>"It's…" Buck fidgets, clearly wanting to remove his hand from Eddie's grasp but there's no way in hell he'll allow that to happen. "New Year's Eve is just…a lot."</p>
<p>Eddie nods although he has no idea what that truly means. He places his other hand beneath Buck's, ensuring he can't go anywhere fast. "Is it to do with Cameron? Or what Chris said?"</p>
<p>The look Buck gives him is filled with such an aching sort of sadness that he figures it out without being told.</p>
<p>"It was New Year's when you wanted to tell me you loved me?" he guesses, and recognises a muscle spasm in Buck's face that he's right. He closes his eyes, wishing he could beat his head into a wall. Not for the first time, he wonders if it'd dislodge some pieces. "Buck, I- I'm so sorry."</p>
<p>"I know." Buck pushes a kiss to his cheek and presses their foreheads together. "Eds, look at me."</p>
<p>He opens his eyes but Buck is a blur when he's so close. He searches the blue and recognises the confusion and the sadness, the disappointment and the desperation.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," he repeats but Buck shakes his head, the tip of his nose brushing Eddie's.</p>
<p>"We're not who we were a year ago. I thought- I misread what was going on and you- You weren't ready or you weren't…you weren't interested and I should never-"</p>
<p>There's something in the catch of Buck's voice that makes Eddie tilt away with a frown. "Is that what I said?"</p>
<p>The flicker of Buck's eyes is enough of a giveaway. He seriously considers letting Buck go so he can find a wall to smash his head into. Or a plate. Or a cinderblock.</p>
<p>"Don't hate yourself," Buck pleads but Eddie's not sure how he's meant to avoid it when the sickening realisation coils into his stomach.</p>
<p>"I said that, and you felt awful, and I'm gonna guess you met Cameron sometime after that?" Buck gazes at him for a long moment before nodding. "Fuck."</p>
<p>"Eddie-"</p>
<p>"No, I- I just wish I remembered." He rubs a hand over his face, trying to smooth away his frustration. "I wish I knew why I said that because it's- I guess Shannon hadn't been gone for long? Maybe I was struggling with the grief but that's- What I said to you? I don't know why I would've said that and I hate it. I <em>hate</em> that it hurt you. I hate that you ended up with Cameron and <em>he</em> hurt you. I hate-"</p>
<p>"Eddie." Buck squeezes his hand and peels the other away from his face. "It's- I'm not gonna pretend it doesn't still hurt sometimes but everything that's happened- It's not like that now, is it?"</p>
<p>He stares at Buck in confusion for a long moment until he realises that beneath the question is carefully veiled terror looking back at him. Christopher's question takes on a whole new dimension. "You're still worried I'm not interested?"</p>
<p>"I- No- Not-" Buck swallows, biting his bottom lip and confirming Eddie's suspicions. "I just- Everything in our lives has been upside down the past year and I- I don't want you to be a rebound thing for me after Cam. I- I don't want you to- to not know what you want or feel bad if you change your mind or-"</p>
<p>And Eddie's no longer sure who has more guilt, or fear, or self-hatred, or anxiety about everything between them. It's probably a good thing they're seeing Frank, together as well as Eddie individually, because there's a lot they needed to figure out about themselves as well as this developing relationship.</p>
<p>"I like you," he says simply, interrupting Buck's rambling and leaving him blinking. "I know what Chris asked and I know what I said, and I don't want to say more and freak you out. We can talk to Frank about healthy boundaries and what we both need if that's going to help you, and me, and <em>us</em>. It doesn't have to be a rebound from Cameron, especially if he was a rebound for…for me."</p>
<p>Buck's eyes widen. "Eddie, you weren't-"</p>
<p>"I'm not in a rush, Buck," he continues calmly, because if nothing else he can be certain about this. "And even if someday I get more of my memories back, it won't change what we've built in the interim." He squeezes Buck's hand between his, lifting it to his lips to kiss over the knuckles. "Tú eres importante para mí. You're important to me, Evan."</p>
<p>Buck's fingers flex to catch against his jaw and somewhere between the two of them they kiss again. Eddie can feel himself being sucked into the spell Buck casts over him, the spell that leaves him feeling fuzzy around the edges when he can still taste Buck against his lips and tongue. Buck looks almost shy, eyes partially lowered, and Eddie tugs him closer with the decision that the best – and only – way to ring in the New Year is to spend the next few hours kissing Buck senseless. He's not making up for what <em>should</em> have happened a year ago, but he's definitely making up for what should have happened throughout the year.</p>
<p>And if somewhere along the line the television is turned off so they can stumble from the couch to the bedroom, and Eddie has to hush Buck's pleas and whimpers with kisses so that Chris doesn't wake, and Buck is left a panting, trembling wreck while Eddie learns to navigate patches of skin in the dark… That seems to be a good way to ring in the New Year too.</p>
<hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>~TBC~</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>One more to gooooo...... Predictions? Hopes? Dreams? Realisations?</p>
<p>I have a Very Important Day tomorrow so send good vibes??? We have big panic over here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Word Count:</strong> 5,832<br/><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I am in no way associated with <em>911</em>, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I'm sorry, Eddie."</p>
<p>He stares at his trembling hands but he manages a resigned sort of nod. It's what he'd expected, what he's tried to prepare himself to hear for months, but…that doesn't make it any easier to hear that the doctor doubts he'll ever return to being a firefighter again.</p>
<p>"If you suffer another head injury on the job, I can't guarantee you'll survive it," Dr Teo continues and that's what it boils down to, isn't it? His brain is one knock away from blowing the fuse that holds him together. "Your amnesia could worsen, you could have a stroke, you could have significant personality changes. This is serious, Eddie."</p>
<p>"I know it is." It's nothing he hasn't already thought of, either. But the confirmation… It stings.</p>
<p>"I can sign off on a medical discharge from the service. You were injured in the line of duty. It will allow you to receive a full pension."</p>
<p>But that's…not what he wants. Not really. He'd been to Afghanistan. He'd cheated death on so many occasions over there, and once he'd returned home. And now…this? This is what takes him out? This is what ruins his chances at a normal life? How is he meant to tell Buck? Or Chris?</p>
<p>"Eddie."</p>
<p>His eyes lift towards the other doctor.</p>
<p>"Don't forget – you survived."</p>
<p>It deflates some of his frustration but it doesn't reduce his misery. He thinks that might take longer to figure out.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Just because it seems unlikely he'll return to work doesn't mean he's stopped getting memories, but they're more like tiny slivers and fragments now rather than life-altering chunks. Frank seemed to think that's a good thing, that maybe he's recalled all the important details that have shaped him into who he is. Eddie had disagreed – he believes it's all the tiny details that provide a better understanding of what it is that ties him with Chris, or Buck, or Bobby, or anyone else in the team.</p>
<p>The hardest part of his conversations with Dr Teo and Frank has been concealing the information from Buck and everyone else. Buck had, of course, asked him how the check-up had gone.</p>
<p>"As well as could be expected," he'd said vaguely, using the excuse of chopping vegetables as a reason for why he didn't lift his eyes.</p>
<p>When Buck has his next overnight shift a few days later, he texts Sophia and waits until he's put Chris to bed before he brings her name up on FaceTime.</p>
<p>She answers quickly, a bright smile across her lips and a sparkle in her eyes despite the time difference. "Chiquito! How are you, Eddie?"</p>
<p>His smile doesn't reach his eyes and he watches as her expression slips. "I… I need to talk. Is that okay?"</p>
<p>"Or course, hermanito. I'm all ears."</p>
<p>Eddie's explanation of the doctor's words is halting, mostly because he's still processing this new version of reality where he's never going to be who he was. He talks to her about his anxieties of returning to work, and the knowledge that he's not going to be able to in the way that he wants. His uncertainty about what he'll do next.</p>
<p>"And then there's Buck to consider and-"</p>
<p>"Buck?" Sophia interrupts and it's the first time she's said anything during his monologue. "Buck's back?"</p>
<p>He's glad that the camera or the FaceTime pixelation is poor enough that she can't see the way his cheeks tint. "Yes?" He supposes it's been such a whirlwind month that he hasn't told her.</p>
<p>"Since when?"</p>
<p>"Soph-"</p>
<p>"No, you don't get to brush past this." She points her finger at the screen. "Fill me in. What have I missed about <em>him</em>?"</p>
<p>He's not sure if Sophia's met Buck but in the interests of protecting Buck, because Buck very clearly knows Abuela, he provides a filtered version of what happened after Thanksgiving. That Buck had been hurt, seeking somewhere safe, and he's been staying with Eddie ever since.</p>
<p>"Staying with you where?" Sophia asks with an amused grin on her face.</p>
<p>"It's not like that, hermana."</p>
<p>She arches an eyebrow. "Isn't it?"</p>
<p>He's not sure how to mount a protest when he's well aware he's kissed Buck, when he'd pressed Buck into the mattress until he was coming apart against him because neither of them had been able to practise any restraint that night. Maybe it's his silence or maybe it's evident in his face, but Sophia giggles.</p>
<p>"So it <em>is</em>," she crows and Eddie sighs, rolls his eyes at the screen. She laughs, props her head in her hands. "I need more gossip, chiquito."</p>
<p>He huffs and shakes his head. "I didn't call to talk to you about <em>Buck</em>."</p>
<p>"It wouldn't be the first time you called about one thing and then got distracted talking about him," she says airily, a teasing smile dimpling her cheeks as her brown eyes sparkle over the phone.</p>
<p>She says it so innocently, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, that it makes him pause and frown. "I…did?"</p>
<p>"Eddie." Sophia rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue at him. "Don't get distracted. I want gossip."</p>
<p>He does his best attempt at glowering at the phone, and she laughs. "I called because I need <em>help</em>, Soph."</p>
<p>Her expression sobers at his words and a sigh crackles through the phone. "Well, what is it you want to do?"</p>
<p>Eddie's gaze drops towards his lap, fiddling with the cord of his sweatpants. "I still want to help people," he says, because that's all it's ever been about. Enlisting in the army to try to get enough money to support Shannon and Chris; joining the LAFD because he missed the adrenaline rush of crazy situations where people needed help. He's spent so long chasing all the highs that he's not sure what to do now that he has to take it easy and avoid any serious head injuries for…pretty much the rest of his life, he guesses.</p>
<p>"Buck was a fire marshal for a while when he was recovering," Sophia says and Eddie arches an eyebrow at her, filing away the information he didn't know about Buck because he always picked up pieces in the strangest of places. "If you want to stay in the LAFD, you could try that."</p>
<p>He nods at her words even as he feels like being a marshal doesn't provide that same rush which he knows he misses. He no longer wants the thrill of danger – the thought of another injury leaves him sick – but he does want the thrill of <em>something</em> to motivate him.</p>
<p>"I could increase my credentials to become a paramedic," he suggests and she nods thoughtfully. "Or- Or I could go to school. Get more training and work in the ER because rotating traumas are similar to Afghanistan."</p>
<p>"<em>You</em> go to <em>college</em>?" she teases and he flips her off. Her laugh rings through the phone but Eddie's not really annoyed. He's fairly certain every extended family member is aware of how absolutely <em>furious</em> his parents and sisters were when he ignored the pressure to go to college and then enlisted in the army instead.</p>
<p>"There are only so many things I can do if I'm trying to protect my head, Soph," he points out and she gradually settles, nods, purses her lips thoughtfully.</p>
<p>"Start with the paramedic credentials because at least that's sort of in line with what you've already been doing, right?"</p>
<p>He nods and she releases a sigh.</p>
<p>"Figure out if you love or hate that, then make decisions about community college classes or actual college. It's a lot of money and time to invest in something you're not sure about."</p>
<p>It makes sense. It's the logical sort of answer. A cautious 'wait and see' approach that Eddie's never been particularly good at because he tends to prefer charging into making decisions about his life without thinking through all the consequences. In a battleground, he thought through everything. In his life, he was more careless.</p>
<p>It's probably why he'd lost Buck for so much of last year.</p>
<p>They exchange some idle conversation and then Sophia yawns and points out the time difference, so he lets her go and then spends a restless night mentally rehearsing various conversations to outline what's happening and what he thinks are his next steps to Buck.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It takes Buck a couple of sessions with Frank to pull apart the tangled feelings of terror and panic that had strangled him at the Christmas party. Eddie had kept his hand folded into Buck's while listening to the painful recount, hoping to provide an anchor to avoid Buck getting swept away by his emotions again. Frank had masterfully kept Buck focused on processing his emotions rather than letting him dismiss them, but that doesn't mean it's any easier for Eddie to hear about how Buck feared for his life, for the lives of everyone he cared about, when he realised Cameron had shown up to Bobby and Athena's.</p>
<p>"He's remanded in jail now," Buck says quietly as he stares at his lap, spare hand picking at his sweater. "He broke the restraining order, and Athena kept insisting that he'd laid a hand on her so that he'd get charged with assaulting an officer too. He couldn't make bail so he's staying there, and the prosecutors think he'll go away for at least a couple of years if he pleads guilty."</p>
<p>It had been a messy January for both of them, with Eddie coming to terms with his prognosis and future steps while Buck juggled shifts and police statements. Sometimes, it felt like the only place either of them really had the chance to stop and <em>talk</em> was Frank's office. And listening to Buck struggle though the impact Cameron continued to have on his confidence, how so many parts of January were unexpected triggers – dates of first meeting, or the first real date, or first kiss – had placed a strain between the two of them that Eddie hadn't expected when thinking about the rush of a new year.</p>
<p>"Do you feel relieved that he'll go away?"</p>
<p>Eddie's attention drifts to dinner plans, and mental shopping lists, and calling Abuela, and Sophia, and figuring out a plan for Valentine's Day, and-</p>
<p>"Eddie?"</p>
<p>His eyes snap back into focus to look between Buck and Frank. Their expectant stares make it clear he'd missed something. "Sorry?"</p>
<p>"This is what I'm talking about," Buck says with a small huff, a yank on his hand like Buck wants to pull it away to cross over his chest so that it matches the pout on his bottom lip.</p>
<p>Eddie still feels lost. "What are we talking about?"</p>
<p>"Buck feels as though you're not listening to him or talking to him," Frank says, eyebrow arching at the heated flush Eddie knows spreads across his face and down his neck. "Do you have something you need to tell Buck?"</p>
<p><em>Bastard</em>.</p>
<p>He tries very hard to stay still rather than squirm all over the place. He's fought in wars, for heaven's sake. Frank knows <em>exactly</em> what he's poking at and <em>exactly</em> why Eddie hasn't told Buck about what Dr Teo had said a couple of weeks ago. Eddie hadn't seen the need to rush to a decision, just as Sophia had encouraged, and Buck still clearly had too much going on. It had seemed easier to avoid talking about it. He'd confided in Frank though, and now Frank clearly expected him to unveil his thoughts and feelings.</p>
<p>"I'm glad he's here," Eddie insists, a similar answer to what he's given before and bites his lip at Buck's frustrated grumble beside him.</p>
<p>"Have you two discussed your relationship?" Frank prompts, an innocent tilt to his head, which simply makes Eddie glare at him.</p>
<p>"We're taking it slow," Buck offers, drawing Frank's amused eyes towards him. "I- I heard you about the rebound thing. And I- I don't think it is but…I know I'm… I'm vulnerable, I guess."</p>
<p>Frank nods, scrawls something on the paper in front of him. "Why do you think you're vulnerable?"</p>
<p>Buck shrugs, his eyes flicking towards Eddie and something apologetic in his smile. "Eddie's already hurt me once before with something like this. I know he doesn't remember but I- I do and…and after Cameron…" Buck sighs, his grip around Eddie's hand tightening even though Eddie suspects he'd rather pull away. "After Cameron, I know I'd be willing to attach to anyone that was sweet and supportive. And that…could be dangerous."</p>
<p>Eddie frowns. "You think I'm dangerous?"</p>
<p>"<em>No</em>," Buck insists, squeezing Eddie's hand and meeting his stare directly. "But falling for you too fast? Another heartbreak on top of everything with Cam? I- Eddie, I'm not sure how I'd cope with it."</p>
<p>Eddie's not sure how that conversation meandered to putting him under the microscope and now he's left feeling like he needs to fold himself into a ball. He still finds talking with Frank about what's going on in his head about as much fun as a root canal while balancing on a rhino horn.</p>
<p>"I'm not going to do anything that breaks your heart," he says but the words sound more petulant than reassuring and Buck wrinkles his nose and looks back to Frank. Frank, who is still looking at Eddie like he just needs to open up and talk about what's been bugging him the last couple of weeks, is absolutely no help. Eddie's always thought Frank likes Buck better. "Ev." He tries to squeeze Buck's hand across the gap in their chairs. "I'm here."</p>
<p>It's clear Buck is still on edge at the end of the session with Frank and once they're out of the room, Buck drops his hand like he's been burned and wanting to let go for a while. Eddie knows it's not as simple as just grabbing Buck's hand back – how easily that could turn into a serious incident if Buck perceived it as anything like Cameron – but it hurts. It stings even though he feels chilled.</p>
<p>He's also not sure why they so often leave therapy with Frank in a worse situation than when they arrive. Wasn't therapy meant to build bridges between them?</p>
<p>Buck's subdued most of the afternoon and, once his homework is done, Eddie watches as Chris crawls into Buck's lap and asks him if he wants to use a coupon. Buck manages a wobbly smile, wrapping his arms around Chris in a tight cuddle and burrowing his nose into Chris' hair.</p>
<p>"I love you, buddy."</p>
<p>Chris hums from somewhere against Buck's chest. "I love you too."</p>
<p>Eddie doesn't think <em>he's</em> getting the silent treatment, he just doesn't think he could've done that without getting told no. Chris, on the other hand, has no such qualms at just dumping his presence in Buck's lap. Eddie's not jealous, but he can wish he was his kid, right?</p>
<p>He spends most of the afternoon and evening trying to work up the courage and figure out the words to say what's on his mind. It's not like he hasn't thought through this so many times since his call with Sophia a couple of weeks ago, but he's been able to keep putting it off because there's always been something else going on, something else to deal with. Buck being worn out from another police interview; Chris with a complicated piece of homework or an assignment; Eddie being tired and irritable.</p>
<p>"I've been…thinking a lot lately," he begins, arms folded beneath his head as he lies on his stomach and stares at the burst of dim light behind Buck's profile. It doesn't matter that it's been almost two months and Cameron's in custody and going away; Buck still can't sleep in darkness. It's a fear Eddie understands from too many nights huddled in the darkness taking enemy fire, so it's a fear he'll let Buck work through in his own time even though it affects his sleep.</p>
<p>Buck rolls onto his side, propping a hand beneath his head as he gazes at Eddie. "Yeah?" he prompts, like he's nervous Eddie will shutter himself away again.</p>
<p>Eddie sighs, biting at his bottom lip because he'd <em>like</em> to hide himself away again but now that he's trying to open the can of worms he's not so certain he can get the lid back on it. "I don't… I don't know if I can return to active duty as a firefighter," he admits, scrunching his eyes shut because he's a coward that doesn't want to see the emotions that fall over Buck's face at the confession.</p>
<p>A tentative hand settles on his back, fingertips tracing along the curve of his spine in the hushed darkness of the late hours. Loops, whorls and arches drag over old scars and the faded definition of muscle that he once had. He draws on the point of contact for the comfort that it offers, even though he doesn't feel like he has any strength left for this conversation.</p>
<p>"I know there's been the…the floater filling my position but… I think… I think I or you or we need to tell Bobby to find someone more permanent," he says quietly, a small stab of pain in his chest making his eyes prickle.</p>
<p>The shift of the bed makes it clear Buck scoots closer. "Are you…going to quit?"</p>
<p>Eddie opens his eyes to look at Buck, at the confusion and fear swirling within their depths. He tries to steel himself against the reaction that worries him so much, the reaction he'd talked about with Frank even though the therapist said Buck would be okay. They'd picked over every aspect of this conversation last week and Eddie still felt like he was going to make a mess of it.</p>
<p>"The… My doc… The check-up wasn't… It wasn't really okay," he says and the expression in Buck's face falls. "Teo's not sure I'll see much further improvement and he…" Eddie swallows around the tight lump in his throat. "He warned me that another brain injury could contribute to further amnesia, and more significant cognitive deficits. I wouldn't survive more brain bleeds and I'd be at risk of stroking out."</p>
<p>Buck nods slowly, something broken in his eyes but awash with understanding just as Frank had predicted and Eddie had doubted.</p>
<p>"Even… Even a mild concussion, Buck. That could be enough. I could end up losing everything, losing my anterograde abilities to <em>record</em> memories. Forgetting everything, <em>everyone</em>." A sob spills from his lips before he can stop it, the anxiety he'd been holding onto for almost two weeks, the concealment of just how bad the news had been starting to break him apart. "I can't- I can't risk being injured again. I can't lose Chris, or you. I- I'd end up in a care home because I wouldn't be able to look after myself and I-"</p>
<p>"Okay, okay, shhh…" Buck folds the arm around his back and tugs Eddie into his chest as the tears start to break free. The hand smooths up and down his back in an attempt to be comforting, fingers curling around the back of his neck, through his hair, and then tiptoeing down the ladder of his spine over and over. "C'mon, Eds… That's the worst case scenario and we're never going to let that happen…"</p>
<p>He tucks his face into the broad expanse of Buck's chest, arm settling in the curve of his waist. He's never been so conscious of just how strong Buck feels, just how muscular he is, until Buck had returned to work and using gym equipment and Eddie continued to struggle through rehabbing his leg and hobbling around the house or the grocery store.</p>
<p>He gradually calms with Buck's palms against his back, a gentle kiss to the crown of his head filling him with affectionate warmth.</p>
<p>"You've obviously thought through all your options," Buck murmurs, and Eddie swirls his fingers in an abstract shape against the small of Buck's back.</p>
<p>"I… Yeah… I called Sophia when you were on an overnight," he says timidly but Buck doesn't give any indication that that information annoys him. His hand continues to drag over Eddie's skin to provide comfort. "She… She mentioned you were a marshal for a while?"</p>
<p>Buck snorts. "A desk job? Nah. Worst few weeks of my <em>life</em>. You'd hate it, Eds."</p>
<p>Eddie nods, because that's what he'd started to think too. It's good to have it confirmed. He suspects he and Buck have a lot in common in that regard. "I also thought about figuring out some of my prior training and where it takes me with what I remember, and what I have to recertify or learn again."</p>
<p>He bites his lip, attempting to gauge Buck's reaction from his hand faltering or his breathing changing. When he seems to remain still and calm against him, allowing him the time and space to think and breathe and speak, he forges ahead despite his uncertainties.</p>
<p>"So maybe I work more towards being a paramedic than a firefighter, or I work in an ER. I don't- I'm not sure I want to be a doctor? That's committing to a <em>lot</em> of training." Sophia had certainly reminded him how unappealing college had always been to him. The more he'd dwelled on her words, the clearer it appeared that he had no interest in pursuing that particular path. "I've spent...most of my adult life leaping into dangerous situations to try to save lives, Buck. And if I… If I can't be on the front lines with you because I have to protect myself then I…I still need to find something to do with my life that continues to give it meaning."</p>
<p>Buck curls fingers beneath his chin and tilts his head up. There's a soft, lingering press of lips to his forehead that helps soothe some of the tension that has infected his lungs and made him agonise for weeks about how to discuss the news and add to Buck's many burdens.</p>
<p>"I know you haven't been happy, Eds," Buck murmurs, his thumb brushing over Eddie's cheek. It's comforting and familiar and relaxes the nerves fluttering in his belly. "And I know adjusting to what you remember hasn't been easy. If you somehow think I won't support you putting your health and wellbeing first in your quest to find something that is fulfilling and less risky, then you're a fool."</p>
<p>A wry smile tugs at his lips. He trails his fingers over the curves of muscle and ridges of bone in Buck's shoulder blade. "I was afraid you'd be disappointed that I'm not sure I can go back."</p>
<p>Buck hums against him, another kiss to his forehead. "It's been almost six months, Eddie. We both know you've made progress, but it'd be irresponsible of me, maybe even cruel, to pressure you into something that could cause you serious harm."</p>
<p>He presses a kiss to Buck's chest and Buck nuzzles at his hair. He gradually relaxes, and he won't tell Frank that he was right because he'll never hear the end of it but Frank <em>had</em> insisted it would be okay, that he'd already learned to cope without Eddie after transferring last year and then returning to the 118. Frank had said the rest of the 118 would have his back no matter what he decided too. It was daunting to not know what he was doing or where he was going but no matter how many times he'd talked it over with Frank, he couldn't fathom the thought of putting himself in harm's way again. He couldn't fathom how he could risk his life like that when he had Chris to consider.</p>
<p>"Thank you for understanding," he whispers. "It's been… I haven't been ignoring you. I just didn't want to add to everything you already had going on with this."</p>
<p>"Eddie, I'm always worrying about you." Buck runs his fingers through Eddie's hair, thumb circling the knob of his spine at the nose of his neck. "I know you hate talking about how you feel but whatever you need, whatever you think, whatever is going on? I don't care if my world is ending, I want to hear it. Okay?"</p>
<p>Eddie peers up at him, catching the sparkle of his eyes in the low light. He can't deny he still feels unsure because he's never truly talked about a whole lot of his thoughts or feelings, but he knows it's important to Buck. He knows how much Buck values trust and being trusted after Cameron, why Buck needs him to be honest even though it makes him uncomfortable.</p>
<p>"Okay," he promises, smiling almost shyly when Buck kisses him and it feels like a kiss of gratitude, or happiness, or maybe even love.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Breaking the news to Bobby, Hen and Chim is harder than he'd expected. Buck's hand rests against his arm, their thighs pressed together beneath the table, and Eddie's noticed the three pairs of eyes shift between them a few times. It's clear they want to ask but at least they have enough tact to have held back.</p>
<p>"You have to make the call that's right for you, Eddie," Bobby says while Hen and Chim nod. "You would need to recertify to return to work, but you could swap to the ambo with Hen."</p>
<p>Eddie glances at Buck, because they'd been right in their predictions that Bobby would suggest that. It made the most logical sense in attempting to keep the team together.</p>
<p>"I think I have to enrol into the academy again," he says, placing his spare hand lightly over Buck's. "I remember…very little of the previous training. It's more than just recertifying, it feels like I have to start all over. And that's… I know that's a competitive process. I know there aren't any guarantees." He sighs, rubs his thumb against few of Buck's knuckles to settle him. "I can't leave you in limbo with a floater while I try to figure all that out."</p>
<p>Bobby's lips press into a rueful sort of smile and he tilts his head in acknowledgement of the truth.</p>
<p>"Of all the people to end up with a career-ending injury, I didn't think it'd be you, Diaz," Chim says, his grin faltering when Hen elbows him sharply in the ribs.</p>
<p>"You can take your shots at me later, Rebar Boy," Buck grumbles and Eddie squeezes his hand.</p>
<p>"Like you can talk! You've survived so many disasters, you <em>are</em> a disaster," Chim retorts.</p>
<p>"Okay, enough." Eddie shakes his head, looking between Chim and Buck. "You two can squabble like idiots later or take it outside and stand in the cold February air. This is-" He pauses, looks at Buck sternly. "You know this is a big deal for me, so don't get off-topic, okay?"</p>
<p>Buck's fingers squeeze against his arm, his eyes dropping in contrition. "I know, I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Eddie folds his fingers into the gaps of Buck's and feels at least a little better when some of Buck's tension fades. He doesn't want this conversation getting derailed but he also doesn't want Buck retreating like he's done something wrong that he needs to punish himself for. Eddie's not Cameron and he never will be.</p>
<p>"Is it off-topic to talk about <em>this</em>?" Hen finally says, gesturing at their laced hands, and Eddie's not sure whether it's him or Buck who flushes darker. "Ah, so there <em>is</em> a this."</p>
<p>Chim and Bobby both shift somewhat with discomfort but Hen simply grins.</p>
<p>Eddie hopes Sophia and Hen never meet. He'll never be able to escape their teasing.</p>
<hr/>
<p>With Teo's paperwork and Bobby's experience, the process begins for Eddie to obtain a disability pension through the LAFD. He knows it will limit his future options in reapplying to the academy, a mark against his name that he might not be able to cut it, but he needs the money. Buck mutters something about suing the department but when Eddie asks him what he means, Buck just shakes his head and continues dicing vegetables.</p>
<p>Maddie manages to secure him a part-time position at the dispatch centre. It's not as exciting as actually <em>responding</em> to some of the calls he answers but it fills in some of his time when Chris is at school or Buck has his rotating shifts. It gives him some sort of purpose, and Maddie is so encouraging that he's doing great. Even if his awareness of his firefighting years is limited, he still has experience he <em>does</em> remember of being in stressful situations in Afghanistan and being able to stay calm and talk someone through a crisis. He can't see himself working dispatch forever, but it's something. It's a start.</p>
<p>In his other moments of time, he takes classes in health, and education, and whatever piques his interest at the local community centre. It provides an avenue to volunteering at Chris' school and he shares stories about fire safety and first aid with various classes of kids. Sometimes Buck joins him, and Buck has a way of telling the stories that enthral the kids, with strange details and bursts of humour that surpasses Eddie's skills.</p>
<p>By April, Eddie's mostly made some sort of peace with his injuries and the gaps in his memories. The orthopaedic surgeon seems satisfied that his leg regains about 97% functionality. His knee doesn't bend as far as his other without some significant pain but there's a lot less hobbling and a lot less aching after long walks with Buck and Chris through the park.</p>
<p>"I hope I never have to see you again," the doctor says and Eddie smiles and agrees because there were certainly some people you hope never to see again.</p>
<p>Eddie knows he has Gus to thank for helping him with the challenges of handling his brain injury and Frank to thank for navigating the uncertain development of his relationship with Buck. Eddie drops the individual sessions with Frank when his schedule starts to get more crowded but Buck still goes weekly, and Eddie attends with him every fortnight because the alternate week he has a shift at the dispatch centre. Buck had seemed incredibly anxious about going alone the first time and Eddie's still not sure why it seems like something so monumental, but he can tell by the glimmer in Maddie's eyes when they have a coffee break that it's huge.</p>
<p>He thinks part of the reason for the change in Buck occurs after Athena confirms that Cameron pled guilty and has been sent upstate for a minimum of three years. It seems to soothe some of Buck's anxiety of being found, or feeling unsafe. Being at the 118 seems to have helped too, an additional layer of protection and security for when Eddie can't be with him. He knows there are still insecurities, times when Buck gets so lost in his fears that Eddie will reject him over something, but Buck's also a whole lot less jumpy as the weeks wear on. He smiles more, he stutters less, and his confidence seems to return when he's able to reveal bare skin while changing into or out of clothes in front of Eddie. Frank keeps saying that healing will take time and though Buck sometimes expresses his frustration that he feels like he's not healing fast enough, Eddie is reassured knowing that time <em>is</em> something that can and will heal Buck.</p>
<p>He lays with his arms around Buck as he catches his breath on a random day in May. It had been one of those fortuitous times when Chris was at school and neither Buck nor Eddie had a shift or an appointment or anywhere else to be. Buck, clearly, wasn't going to turn down the opportunity of taking advantage of the empty house and Eddie, also clearly, wasn't going to turn him down.</p>
<p>So as he lays there with his fingers lazily scratching the hair at the nape of Buck's neck, tracing circles around the knob of his spine, he smiles towards the ceiling when he feels Buck gradually relaxing into him. He can tell Buck's not sleeping, but Eddie's still soothed by the weight sprawled over him.</p>
<p>"We're dating, right?" he asks and Buck giggles, props his chin against Eddie's chest.</p>
<p>"You think I spend every other night in someone else's bed and let them touch me like that?" Buck teases and Eddie practically growls, cinching his arms tighter while Buck laughs into his skin.</p>
<p>He doesn't understand why or how he could have rejected Buck's advance on that New Year's Eve, but he'll never take for granted how Buck leapt in to rescue him, or visited the hospital in the dead of night, or when he was going to pieces with memories he couldn't understand. He'll never take for granted that Buck trusted <em>him</em> when Cameron lost his temper.</p>
<p>He tilts his head, managing to catch the tip of some of Buck's fingers drawing circles against his shoulders with a soft kiss.</p>
<p>"So is it okay if I tell you I love you?" he says, quiet and slightly hesitant and feeling like his skin is several sizes too small. He knows what the buzz in his veins means, and the heat that blossoms in his chest when Buck gets home from a shift. He knows the longing he feels while Buck's working, and he knows how his first and last thought every day is about the man laying against him. He's not ignorant or stupid to how much he craves keeping Buck near him, always. Though he's spent a lot of time trying to determine if Buck feels the same.</p>
<p>Buck hums, nuzzling against his neck and curling his fingers against Eddie's skin a little firmer. "Yes. Because I love you too, Eds."</p>
<p>It's not like the world shatters apart at the seams and sucks them into some sort of swirling vortex, but he knows a goofy smile spreads across his lips as he secures his arms around Buck. He's not sure what he did to deserve this sort of happiness after he wrecked Buck's heart a year ago. After everything they've been through, everything he's forgotten, being given the keys to love Evan Buckley feels like something he's not meant to have.</p>
<p>He adjusts the blankets slightly, aware that they probably should head for the shower but maybe when he thinks at least one of them could walk there. And right now, he's too content to think about moving.</p>
<p>He loves Buck and Buck loves him. It seems so ridiculously impossible to believe. He vows to repeat the words when they're both more alert of what's going on, and over meals, and while taking Chris to the park, and when brushing their teeth together before bed.</p>
<p>He vows to repeat the words to Buck for as long as he has breath in his lungs.</p>
<p>It's the least he can do after Buck saved his life when the world was ending, after all.</p>

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    <em><strong>~FIN~</strong> </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have held off tagging this fic with 'angst with happy ending' because I've never known whether this can be classified as a <em>happy</em> ending. Happy, under the circumstances, but...terribly bittersweet as well. I have always said this was the more painful of the two Bang fics, and worse than <em>Tread Lightly</em> because it resolves a lot of things, and offers hope, but leaves questions and threads. While I'm sure I'll return to the worlds of <em>Tread Lightly</em> and <em>Against the Odds</em>, I'm less certain about returning to this one. Perhaps if the inspiration strikes, or someone prompts or suggests something down the track, but this one always had a stronger finish in my mind - whether it's satisfactory to you as a reader, who has followed it for months, or not. If you were hoping for the miraculous memory recovery to happen in this then...I'm sorry. Somewhere along the line it became more interesting to me to write the story without the return of everything, to build a new Eddie, and a new Buck, and a new Buddie, and so...I avoided it.</p>
<p>As always, I need to give another huge shout out to Nicole, my beta, and Maddie, my artist. This fic would never have been half as good (and literally half as long) without both of your support. I think I still have the first draft somewhere that was 62k, and then it grew into something enormous. I can't believe I began writing this in January for the Bang and had 40k done by the February check-in. Craziness. And I can't believe it's come full circle and we're finishing it up now. Thank you to both of you, for more than I know how to say.</p>
<p>And, also as always, thank you to all those of you who have been reading each week and leaving comments and questions. I mentioned last week needing good vibes - unfortunately there was some bad juju in the air and things went poorly - but this year has been awful for so many reasons and receiving so much positivity with the comments each week (and three times a week, at one stage!) has really buoyed me along. I know I have many comments to reply to across various stories, which I will be aiming to do soon. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support. Writing really isn't the same when no one is reading your stuff.</p>
<p>I am approaching the holidays with hope for diving into writing a whole lot of things which will see the light of day next year - some Buddie, some Tarlos, and some crossover - and I'm hoping the new season provides lots of other inspirations. I also have some other short things floating around that I haven't published this year, so keep an eye out for some of those. At the moment though, I don't have any other long stuff ready to go (so you can all breathe a sigh of relief at getting a break).</p>
<p>Be safe, be well, and be kind to yourself as 2020 draws to a close &lt;3</p>
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